I finally figured out why Kiki spends so much time scolding and picking at Gleek. I knew that Kiki loves Gleek and so the constant stream of negativity was incredibly frustrating. Kiki was observing Gleek’s current behaviors and extrapolating them unchanged into the future. Kiki could just visualize the disasters ahead for Gleek in that scenario and so felt compelled to hound Gleek into making changes. Gleek, whose behaviors are typical of a seven year old, naturally rebelled at the efforts to make her react as if she were 13.
Today I found a quiet moment to talk to Kiki about what she is doing. I explained that she is right, that if the behaviors continue forever Gleek has a rocky road ahead. Then I also explained that these behaviors will not remain unchanged because Gleek will grow and learn. The example we used was cleaning up a bedroom. This was today’s task and Kiki was picking at Gleek for not working hard enough. I told Kiki stories about herself at that same age and explained a little about the brain development that is necessary to handle such a complex task solo. We then talked about the futility of trying to get a seven year old to behave and react as if she were twice her age.
As we talked I could see an inner tension uncoiling inside Kiki. I’d put my finger right on the trouble. Kiki loves Gleek and wants to save her from disaster. Kiki is very relieved to learn that she does not have to be quite so vigilant. I am hopeful of less squabbling.
You didn’t point out the disaster that awaits Kiki if she persists in projecting doom from every misfortune? 😉
ooh. I’ll have to use that the next time I need to talk through this topic again. (There will be a next time. Habit patterns take effort to shift.)
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Really, I think that’s being unfair to Kiki. What you think is rational for a 13 year old is, I think, actually far more mature behavior. 🙂
Not your fault, really. Your kids have just messed up your baseline. 😉
It’s like I said a while back, Kiki is trying to be Gleek’s mom. This doesn’t work for a couple of reasons, most notable being that Gleek already has a super mom. Kiki also doesn’t yet have the experience that you do to judge that what Gleek is doing now she won’t continue to do in 3, 6, 10, etc. years’ time.
I’m glad that you’ve managed to sort this one. It’s hard being an eldest girl, you inevitably DO get to be “mom” in various ways [boys can end up being “dad” in a similar way], more so as you get older, and the parents rely on you to look out for the young ones. And yes, you will inevitably have the discussion again.
My advice, FWIW: Try for a codeword you can use, as a semi-joke, which you can use to de-fuse things with a single word and turn the angst to laughter. I don’t know what the word would be, that you haev to work out between you and Kiki – then if she’s being too critical of Gleek and you notice, you say “” and that’s verbal shorthand for “back off, you’re trying to do my job again” – but it’s essential that there’s an element of humour.
A personal example: I tend, in conversation, to be too dominant and to steamroller everyone else. A friend of mine, once, as a joke, cried out “fishslice”. I, of course, imemdiately got the reference, which is to a bit from Flanders and Swann’s recordings where Flanders comments about Swann wanting to get a word in edgeways, like “fishslice”. This stuck, and now gets used by several friends as verbal shorthand for “OK, you’ve had your say, now shut up and let someone else speak!” but it has essential humour, which avoids it being insulting.
I am reminded of recent troubles when my ten year old step son did not quite understand why his five year old new step sister did not want to watch every minute of a Naruto movie. A five year old little girl doesn’t have the attention span to watch Anime to the exclusion of all else in the room. One day she might, but right now she would rather play dress up with Teddy.
Ona