Author name: Sandra Tayler

Bright Holidays in the Dark Season

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It was dark when I came up the stairs at 5:30 pm. My office has no windows, so if I work in the afternoon, I don’t notice the fading daylight. I just emerge and discover the world to be already dark. It makes me understand why extra lights are such a feature of the holiday season. We’re trying to chase away the darkness with holiday cheer. Or maybe that is just me. This is the time of year when I light candles and watch the melting wax. Last year I even made some candles. We try not to break out the holiday music until after Thanksgiving, but that holiday is only five days from now. Somehow the march of days has carried me all the way to the end of November. We’ve entered the dark, housebound portion of the year. Part of me wants to jump forward to when there is more daylight. Part of me wants to slow down because time is slipping away quickly. Part of me wants to dash ahead to embrace the coming changes. Part of me wants to huddle right here where they haven’t happened yet.

I’ve begun to accumulate things which will be wrapped for Christmas. At this time of year I have to figure out how I’m going to manage (or not manage) the holiday. During the financially lean years of 2004-2006 I did all the planning and shopping. I carefully balanced everything and had it all done before Thanksgiving. Last year I was too stressed and busy to do much advance planning, and the holiday happened anyway. This year I appear to have some brain space to spare for holiday planning, but I think that perhaps I shouldn’t. Christmas needs to be a community project, not mine to arrange and manage. Also, the spaces I have in my schedule need to be filled with more writing, not more elaborate holiday preparations.

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Pondering Family and Systems

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Yesterday I was told a story about how military officers get eighty soldiers to take a shower in ten minutes using only six shower heads. It involved marching naked with bars of soap, jumping under the water, running to the end of the line and soaping while waiting for another turn under the water. I listened to this story and had the natural “glad I don’t have to do that” thought. Further stories included keeping one of the two available bathrooms unused and spotless for inspection, having a special set of never-word underwear, also for inspection. In hearing these stories I began to think about human nature, the psychology of creating a unit out of disparate people, and why individuals need to be stressed in order to forge that unit. There is the pure physical necessity. We’ve only got ten minutes and eighty people to get clean is a powerful incentive to shed the trappings of regular civilization. Necessity changes the rules. However there is also great cohesive power when a group of people experiences the same unpleasant thing, they begin to bond.

Howard and I are not military, nor are we ever likely to be, but we are definitely trying to forge a group of individuals into a unit which is capable of hanging together in a crisis. We are building a family and sometimes that requires a sacrifice of individuality for the good of the group. Unlike the military, families must sometimes sacrifice the good of the group for the growth of the individual. Yet there are things to be learned from the tactics of basic training. It is only by pushing people beyond their limits that they get new limits. There are times when the role of parent feels astonishingly similar to the role of drill sergeant.

The source of these military stories is a pair of friends who are staying with us. They are a couple who intend to have children in the future and have been quite honest in admitting that they’re watching to see how we run our household of four kids. So far they haven’t gotten to witness the melt-down stuff. We’ve been moving smoothly through our routines with the kids managing their responsibilities. Knowing that they’re observing, causes me to step back and observe too. It lets me see that currently our family runs like a well oiled machine. All the parts have roles and responsibilities. We all know our assignments and chores. Sometimes there is friction, but the system as a whole works well. This is not how it used to be. When the kids were young everything felt much more messy. Every chore was an argument. Every bedtime a battle. We built systems and they fell apart. We built new systems out of the pieces of old ones and they fell apart too. So much of the work during those early childhood years was spent trying to create family identity and patterns out of chaos. There were entire years when we went to church, not to be spiritually fed, but to teach the kids that church is what we do on Sunday. Some things came easy others felt like we would never get them right. Yet here we am with this functioning system and I can’t pinpoint when we stopped having to massively reconfigure it every three months. I’m also acutely aware that even though things are running now, there are additional reconfigurations in our future. The cool thing is that this system now has six mechanics instead of two.

I’m watching my friends too. I listen to their stories about military life and see how they work together to build a family despite the demands that military careers present. I ponder the unfairness inherent in the fact that if a heterosexual couple wants to have biological children, the woman is the only one who can give them birth, no matter how much logical or fiscal sense it might have to assign child bearing differently. I’m also thinking about the larger unfairness in family planning. There are people like Howard and I. We’ve had our babies and have moved onward to where the thought of having another baby is dismaying. Then there are other people who have yet to be able to parent despite longing for it.

I also see the ways in which larger communities also arrange themselves as needed for crowd control, people management, and (hopefully) personal growth. That last part sometimes gets forgotten in places where it should be paramount, like schools. Sometimes the systems need to be tweaked, other times they need to be completely reconfigured. Brilliant people can make a hodge podge system work beautifully, but it is best when the system is set up so that everyone does a little bit of maintenance and all runs smoothly. All of these thoughts swirl around each other and through each other, not coalescing into an particular insight or realization. Yet the patterns of flow are interesting. I shall have to think more on it.

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Lessons Learned from a Hard Day

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It is not the best of days when five out of six Taylers end up yelling, crying, or both. We weren’t even mad or sad at each other, rather family members carried it with them when the returned to the house, and then there was the odd pocket of grief tripped over at an unexpected moment. Stress from one of Kiki’s school classes required tears and sorting. Link needed to hear some sharp words about meeting the efforts of others half way instead of expecting people to spend effort trying to understand him where he is. Gleek was wound up with frantic emotions fed by insecurities and manifesting alternately in rowdiness or anger. Howard and I did not manage all of this without losing our patience. Yet for all the emotional turmoil that yesterday spilled everywhere, it was a good day. It was not a fun day. I don’t ever want to have it again. But at the end of it we all emerged in different emotional places. Those of us who weathered the emotional storms emerged with new insights into ourselves and each other. Hard can be good, even if it is no fun at all.

Lessons learned:
Sometimes struggling through a hard thing is what we need because the experience of struggling teaches things that we can not learn otherwise.

If we want understanding, we have to extend it.

When someone goes into a litany of how they are ugly, untalented, horrible, unfashionable, etc. no amount of argument will change their opinion. Sometimes the best thing to say is “I love you anyway.”

There are things we don’t realize we want until we are sad that the opportunity for them is passed.

Friends make the world better.

Today was something of an aftermath day. When emotions spill all over the place it takes time to pick up and move onward. Extra sleep, good food, friends, and laughter put things to rights again.

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Projects in the Tayler Household

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There are six people in our house. We are all people with goals and projects. As a family we have to adjust and support each other in succeeding at these projects, it often turns into a huge juggling act. As a demonstration I’m going to list the current projects in process.

Personal Growth: One of the primary purposes of our family is to create a safe space where the family members can learn how to be better and kinder human beings. All of us are going through developmental stages (stages do not stop in adulthood.) All of us have lessons to learn and we all have a responsibility to try to help and support family members who are struggling.

Schlock Mercenary: This is a project that has no completion date. In order to support Schlock we all have to make sure that Howard has time and space to script, pencil, and ink at least a week of comics during each week that passes. Sometimes this means that Howard gets excused from household chores and the rest of us have to pick up the slack.

Kiki’s College preparations: Kiki will graduate from high school in the spring. This is the year for her to decide what comes next. Thus far she has picked a college, been accepted to it, and gotten her first small scholarship. We still need to arrange for housing, start helping her accumulate the household and art items she’ll need, apply for lots more funding, and ride the emotional arcs of launching into adulthood.

Link’s Eagle Scout push: Link has been involved in scouting since he was eleven. Mostly he has been coasting along doing whatever his troop decided on. Then he slowed to a stand still, no longer content to just follow. Several weeks ago he pulled out his scouting binder and realized he was four merit badges away from being able to begin an Eagle Scout application. He’ll earn the last of those badges today. Up ahead: big service project and lots of paperwork.

Gleek’s Choirs: Gleek joined her school choir last September. Since then, she has developed a love for her choir teacher and for singing in general. To support her in this, there are extra trips to the school for her practices. We also attend her concerts. She was recently invited to join a holiday children’s choir. Again there is a time commitment for practices and performances.

Howard’s prose writing: Writing prose is something Howard has wanted to do for a long time. We’ve been trying to make space for it and this year we finally have. Howard wrote the story in Space Eldrich and is currently one third of the way through another project that is under contract. This writing eats up time that could be spent on Schlock work or family, but it helps Howard build the secondary career that he has been wanting. Also it makes him happy.

Body Politic: This is the next Schlock book. In order to get it ready for print I have to do the layout work. Howard needs to write and draw a bonus story, create margin art, and draw cover art.

Sandra’s novel: I’m working on a novel. It has a loose outline, some characters, some themes, and a beginning. In theory I’m working on it a little every day.

Kiki’s art: Kiki has an AP art class for which she creates an art piece every single week. On top of that she sketches to push her skills. She’s also nearly ready to begin taking paid commission work. Freelance artist is what she wants to be, and we’re trying to help her build the foundations of that business.

Household maintenance: Houses need tending. Some of it is routine clutter removal and surface cleaning. But our house is in need of some renewal and renovation. We all try to pitch in and get the work done.

Howard’s miniatures: Painting miniatures is Howard’s hobby, the thing he does just because he enjoys it. We make time and space for him to do this.

Strength of Wild Horses: This is my next picture book project. It is drafted. I’ve got commentary on it that I need to dig into and revise the text. After that I need to lay ground work to kickstart the project.

The family photo books: These are books full of photos, artwork, and stories which take place during each calendar year. The book for 2011 is nearly complete. Work on the 2012 book will follow immediately.

One Cobble at a Time: This blog definitely counts as an ongoing project. The time which I spend on blog entries could be spent on other things. There is the additional project each year when I take all the entries from the prior year and have them bound into book form. I also intend to create a second Cobblestones book out of essays I wrote in 2012.

Patch’s book report: He has one every month. They’re usually very specific and detailed in their requirements. This month he has to read non-fiction books about animals then create a booklet full of information on those animals.

Gleek’s book report and homework: The homework load for Gleek is significant, but she is just tracking it and getting it all done. The one item for which she needs help is creating a stuffed turkey. The book report information will be on his tail feathers.

Christmas and Thanksgiving: The creation of a holiday celebration is always a project. All the family members have to collaborate on decorating, cooking, selecting gifts, and celebrating. It requires patience and cooperation to pull off.

Holiday shipping: The pace of sales through our online store has already picked up. That will only increase in the next few weeks. Processing orders and filling packages takes time which could be spent on other things.

The 2013 calendar: Pre-orders are under way. Soon we’ll be swapping over into shipping mode. This is when the entire family room is reorganized into a shipping center. The kids help with the work and do not complain about the disruption in their usual routines.

I think that’s it. Certainly the list is already long enough to fracture the attention of anyone who needs to track it. Like me. Many of these projects will reach completion in December. Then January can bring new projects.

Edited November 14, 2012 (one day later): This morning Link said “So when are we going to get my driver’s learning permit?” So, add Teach Link to Drive to the family project list.

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Scattered Day

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I usually love it when my children ask a question which demonstrates a new level of adult comprehension. I enjoy the conversations which tend to follow. However the question “What do internet predators want kids for?” is never going to be fun to answer. Especially when the child asks astute follow up questions if my answers tend to the general. I believe if a child has enough emotional and social development to ask the question, that child ought to be given a truthful answer even if the answer is disturbing. Unfortunately some questions require definitions of terms and discussions of biological realities. So I am now trying to think happy thoughts.

In addition to the question above, today included a child with an ingrown toenail. Some significant crankiness which was well managed by those who felt it, but still spread out a bit. Extra trips out to run errands for two kids. A declaration that Mythbusters qualifies as a family activity. Cold and snow that is beginning to melt. Work on the family photo book. And… something else. Surely there must be something else to help me account for all the hours between now (9:40 pm) and 6:30 this morning.

Ah well. Hopefully tomorrow can feel more focused, less interrupted, and calmer.

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Weekend Reading

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Lois Bujold has a new book out this week, Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance. I’ve been busy reading. It is lovely to get to visit Barrayar again. The other thing that has been eating time this weekend has been squashing comment spam. However there was one side benefit. I had a random walk through my blog archive and thus re-read some old posts. I found this one particularly worthwhile. It talks about how I have trained myself to get things done by setting memory triggers and practicing them. It’s worth reading if you need more words from me today. As for me, I’m diving back into Bujold’s words.

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Today’s List of Failures (and a few Successes)

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It is 7:30 am and I am already a failure, or so my back brain tells me. It has, in fact, been telling me all about it since 1 am with a brief pause for a few hours of sleep. Some of the things I’m failing at are ridiculous. I can look at them with the eyes of logic and know that it is ridiculous, but I still feel like a failure. So I’m going to write out the list, hopefully when I am done writing it I’ll be to mock it and make the rest of the day much better.

I fail because:

I’ve been cranky at my kids this morning.

I burned Kiki’s breakfast quesadilla and had to make a second one.

I am unable to magically transport merchandise to customers without having to charge shipping costs.

I have not yet finished the cropping and layout for Body Politic, which I should have finished months ago.

My house is cluttery and dirty, I’ve known this for weeks and have yet to fix it.

There is mildew on the bathroom ceiling.

I haven’t exercised for two days.

Patch’s water cycle experiment did not work as advertised.

There are ice packs frozen solid in the door of my freezer and I haven’t yet figured out how to un-jam them from the space without leaving the freezer door open for several hours. (Edited to add: HA! Me and my hair dryer are victorious in the battle of the freezer door. Take that frozen gell packs.)

Laundry.

My average daily word count for this week is 473, not 1000.

I still have a box of pears waiting for me to turn them into canned food.

There is a box of walnuts waiting to be shelled and dried.

My office needs sweeping.

The front porch light has been broken for years and I’ve never used emotional energy and time to figure out why.

Howard and Kiki are both tired/stressed.

None of the things I write earn money in significant quantities.

It is now 9 am and I’ve still not finished nor posted this list.

I keep spending money on things.

I should be paying more attention to frugality, meal planning, chore schedules, shopping smart for the holidays.

Gleek and Patch have been squabbling an blaming each other for things almost incessantly during the past two days.

I have healthy food in my house, but I ate all the cookies instead.

I am being the best business manager I know how to be, but I am daily faced with evidence that this job could be done better.

…and because my brain is incapable of simply posting a blog without also arguing against itself for the other side, here are the list of things done right since Sunday:

Link successfully hosted a scout meeting and presented his ideas for their summer camp by handing out a flyer. This is Link’s success, I only played the role of spotter, but having this go right felt hugely important.

Gleek was invited to join a second choir, so now she has two choir practices each week until she has two holiday concerts.

We opened pre-orders on the calendar and thus launched our holiday shipping season. Also, the calendar is ready to go to print.

I answered a couple of letters.

Took the kids to see Wreck-It Ralph. (Which also cost money and I remembered how theater popcorn is made of delicious regret.)

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Some Days are a Wash

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This morning I had too many things to do and I wanted to do them all at once. I wanted to sleep, go to the gym, shower, crop images for The Body Politic, do the laundry, work on the 2011 family photo book, clean the bathroom, write fiction, write blog posts, mail packages, prep invoices for calendar shipping, and write an amazing tweet which would convince the whole world to order Schlock calendars. All of these things were fighting for priority in my head to the point where I could hardly discern what the separate items were. I ended up laying down with a notebook nearby so that I could make notes of the thoughts that surfaced from the mess. This segued right into the first item on the list: sleep. I don’t like sleeping while the kids are in school. It feels like a waste of uninterrupted time. But today I slept for over two hours. The only other thing on my list which I worked on was the cropping for Body Politic and prepping some invoices. I really hope that tomorrow is a much more effective day.

The only thing that feels like I did it right was taking the kids to go see Wreck-It Ralph. We all came home singing and happy. Then there was homework to do.

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Patterns and Shoes

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“Here Link. These are the shoes we got last time.” I pointed to the box with grey and blue tennis shoes. Link was in need of new ones and he’d told me he liked the last pair.
“No. Those are different.” Link said.
“They’re exactly the kind you had before.” I said, looking at the price tag.
“They have a different pattern on them.” Link said. Then he pointed to a pair four boxes over. “These ones are exactly like the ones I have.”
I glanced from one box to the other not seeing differences, then down at Link’s feet where the old pair were in use. It took me a moment to see the slight difference in decorative pattern.

When I examine the shoes, differences are obvious. But I have to be paying attention. Link turned in the store and started pointing.
“There’s a pair like my old ones. And that one. This is the new pattern, and that one and that one.” Often we were standing three to five feet away from the shoes he was pointing out. “Huh. That’s interesting. The old pattern is only in sizes eight to nine. The new pattern is everywhere.”
I looked at the wall of shoes and boxes on either side of the narrow aisle. In less than thirty seconds Link had identified a dozen pairs of shoes by their patterns and noticed a larger pattern in the distribution of the shoes.
I pointed this out to him and made a joke about his “Pattern recognizing brain.” Link smiled, pleased to have an newly discovered super power. We got him the shoes he needed in the new pattern.

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Busy Days

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Gleek was romping. She was giggling and playing with her brother and when I required him to do his homework, she attempted (unsuccessfully) to coax our cat into romping with her. The trouble was that I was burned out. I’d spent all afternoon running around, making extra trips for kids, fulfilling promises that I’d made to them and to myself. There was still a long list of promises still unfulfilled. These were things that I was disappointed with myself for not getting around to doing. As much as I did today, I felt scattered, like I’d not used the time well. I needed quiet and space to sort my thoughts, to turn over the accomplishments and non-accomplishments and make peace with the day’s choices. Instead there was romping. I’m afraid I was not particularly patient with it. Somewhere around the fifth or thirteenth command to Gleek that she find a book and read, my fatigue tipped over into grouchy.

Now it is quiet. The younger two had their snacks and are reading in bed. In a minute I’ll have to begin the lights out arguments. There will be new negotiations and possibly I will have to find the energy to listen while a child sorts feelings out loud. I hope not. Not today. I’m not sure I have the emotional energy to find my therapist hat, let alone wear it for the necessary length of time to listen. But I will if it is needed. That has been the theme of the past four days, doing the things that are needed.

Somewhere in the last week I switched over from a holding pattern into one which is full of projects. I can tell that we’ve hit November because sales have picked up in the store. They did so even before we opened pre-orders on the 2013 Schlock calendar. I also got working on layout for the 2011 family photo book and for The Body Politic. Both are progressing nicely. Further layout work awaits after those are done: the 2012 photo book, my 2012 One Cobble book, and Cobblestones 2012. And I’m trying to write every day. All of which is why I picked this week to begin requiring chores of the kids again, because the clutter is closing in on us and it is time to attack it.

Tomorrow will bring a scout troop meeting in my back yard around my fire pit. Link will be leading this meeting. At this point I think he is kind of looking forward to it. He’s prepped notes to read from. He has brochures of places to suggest as High Adventure camp destinations. He’s even put together a flyer of possible stops for the trip. On Sunday leading this meeting seemed completely impossible to him. Tomorrow he’s just going to do it and probably won’t even be particularly nervous about it. He’s grown by doing this. Yet supporting him and helping him has eaten up a significant portion of three afternoons for me, not because I did things for him, but because Link needed a spotter while he learned how to prepare these things for himself. I will be quite glad when the meeting is over and we can move onward to the next challenge. Which is probably helping Gleek design and sew a stuffed turkey for a book report.

Kiki came home from the convention yesterday and spent some time talking to me about all the excitement, fun, and hard things. She is quite tired today. I am extremely impressed that her fatigue has not turned her into a puddle of despair. I don’t know whether the increased emotional stamina is a result of additional maturity or the fact that she’s getting regular exercise. Whatever the reason, I’m glad of it. I’m glad for her sake and because listening while someone sorts thoughts is far more enjoyable than scraping up a puddle of human despair and making it better. She’s picked her college. She’s been accepted to it. Now we move forward with seeking scholarships and other forms of funding.

Gleek has done her homework in the afternoon for the last two days. She’s been quite delighted to be able to announce “All my homework is already done!” when I declare homework time: hence the romping. She’s also got to choirs which are performing holiday concerts, so music is a big theme lately. I think she may also be teaching herself how to recognize pitches by hearing them, because she’s been playing with a pitch pipe she found in our music cabinet. At her fall choir performance there was a girl her age who played the harp with a high level of competence. I listened to the beautiful music and felt glad that my children have been generalists in their childhood. They sample lots of things and only begin to focus as they hit their teens. Gleek might be one who continues to generalize through her teen years, not picking a single thing, but instead doing half a dozen things in rotation. If she does, then at twenty she will be discouraged when the kids who picked a single thing hit professional levels while she has not. But watch out for her at thirty when she is professional in all of her dozen things.

Patch is enjoying the space at the beginning of each month when the project deadlines are all far away. He’s managing all his homework without complaint, and planning ahead for things like book reports. I’m still doing lots of reminding with him, but I don’t have to argue to get the work done. This is what makes the current academic program possible, the fact that my kids are thriving on the work. They don’t always love the work, but it is not actually difficult for them to do. The one weak spot for both kids is fluency with reading aloud. The solution is for me to require them to read out loud to me, and somehow I’ve yet to figure out how to work that into the day.

And so we continue onward, each with our own sets of tasks and challenges. The quiet of bedtime reading has now slid into the quiet of kids asleep. I should go to bed too. Tomorrow will be another busy day.

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