Author name: Sandra Tayler

Thoughts on Avengers — Spoiler Free Version

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“What was your favorite part?” Howard asked Patch.
“Do I have to pick just one?” Patch answered with a concerned look on his face.
No son, you do not.
We spent a good hour this afternoon just talking about all our favorite bits. I’m not a fan of the Avengers comic, nor was I particularly attached to any of the Avenger characters prior to seeing the recent spate of Marvel films. This movie made me fall a little bit in love with all of them. I’m looking forward to seeing it again so that I can hear those funny lines in the non-action-y scenes when Patch and Gleek wiggled, asked for more treats, or otherwise unfocused my attention. During the action-y bits we were all enthralled.

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Storymakers Day 2, the Whitney Awards, Retiring a Dress, and the Day After

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Howard is out of his element at the Storymakers conference. It is an event full of women, many of whom read and write stories that are essentially romantic. I’m not precisely in my element, but in many ways it is a better fit for me than the average Science Fiction convention. On the whole these are readers of Austen, not Niven, though there are definitely individual exceptions. Not that “fitting” matters because we always find wonderful people at these events. I guess the difference is that I’ve walked away from Storymakers with a long list of follow-up items–people to contact, things to do–where Howard is spending today switching gears. Tomorrow I’ll be following up and he’ll be moving on. Although that may have more to do with me being the business manager and him being the artist. Perhaps the whole perception is entirely imaginary, a result of me being very tired.

The extreme fatigue hit me right after I finished my last teaching hour. The cover design class went very well. We covered the important material and were able to give intelligent answers to all the questions. I’d love to co-teach with Crystal again anytime. I’d love to teach that class again. In fact I have a whole list of classes that I want to be able to teach. I’m going to blog that list (possibly tomorrow) so that I can reference it as necessary. Often I’m invited to participate in programming only to draw a complete memory blank when they ask what I’d like to teach. If I file the list intelligently, in an easy-to-find location, then perhaps it will someday be useful to someone who is considering inviting me to an event. If nothing else, making the list will convince the back part of my brain that we really are allowed to think about something else now. On the same theory, I’ve made a list of things-to-blog. In making that list, I realized that I still have thoughts left over from our trip to Moab. It has been an exceedingly brain-busy three weeks.

At the end of the Storymakers conference, I attended the Whitney Award banquet with my mom. Howard volunteered to go home and be with the kids so that we could stay. I wore my orange dress, the one I last wore to the Hugo award ceremony in August. I was a little worried about wearing the dress, the night of the Hugos was not my best night. I knew that wearing the dress might trigger somatic memory, particularly since I was wearing it to another award ceremony. I did not want another panic attack like the one at the Hugos, but I needed to wear the dress again. I needed to see if I could disconnect the panic from the dress. The Whitneys were a good practice event because they are much less emotionally fraught for me than the Hugos, we were not eligible for any of the awards. Also, I had a change of clothes in my car, so in the very worst case I could duck out and change. The trouble with the dress is that it fits tightly across my ribs. It does not actually constrict my breathing, I can fill my lungs completely, but it feels like it constricts. Constrictive clothing can magnify or trigger a panic attack. Additionally, the fabric of the dress does not breathe at all and so in a warm room I can easily feel over heated. Over heating can magnify or trigger a panic attack. It turns out that this lovely dress is at least partially at fault for my Hugo experience. I put on the dress and was fine. I walked down to dinner and felt completely relaxed. I sat down to dinner and I had to arrange my thoughts carefully and breathe cautiously for about 30 minutes while my body toyed with the first edges of a panic attack. I prevailed. I wore the dress all evening, had a lovely dinner conversation, hugged all my friends in the post-ceremony mingling, and went home feeling triumphant. However it is time for me to retire that dress. The things I love about it do not outweigh the drawbacks. Fortunately I have something much more comfortable that I can wear to the Nebula award dinner.

My mother reports that she thoroughly enjoyed the Storymakers conference. She has dozens of ideas about how to improve her book and an invitation to submit directly to one of the editors who also attended. I’m so glad that she was able to come. I get to have her for three more days before she returns home to care for my grandma, who will be released from the hospital soon. This is mom’s last vacation for awhile because grandma will need lots of loving attention as she continues to mend. Once again I wish I could be more help. I live so far away from them. But at the least I can give my mom this vacation she has earned.

Tomorrow, after I scramble to catch up on all my work, I’m headed to The Avengers with my kids. I’ve heard it is quite good. Howard has already seen it twice. Today I rest.

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Storymakers Conference Day 1

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Fragments of thoughts bounce around in my brain, but they are slippery – like fish. Just as I think I’ve got a grip on one that might be the beginning of a coherent blog post, my hands close on nothing and I’m left with a blankness which I’m sure was filled with brilliance only a minute ago. (Obviously my thought fish are brightly colored koi.) I shall stop trying to catch them and instead just follow where they swim.

I’ve spent the day at Storymakers Conference. I taught a class solo, using only my voice to convey information about managing finances. Only when the class was over did I realize that we’d been using powerpoint lighting instead of the bright light which was available. In hindsight I’m glad. The dimmer light was more soothing and perhaps made the contemplation of accounting feel less daunting. At some point accounting stopped daunting me. I wonder when that happened.

I was nervous before the presentation, but not during it. Once the words begin to flow, I’m solid and know exactly what to say. Sometimes it ends up being things that I didn’t put into my speaker notes. But the best moment of any presentation is when I say something and I see one of the faces in front of me change. In that moment I know that whatever my words were, they were exactly what they needed to be. A lecture on accounting is short on emotional bonding moments, but hopefully filled with usefulness.

As I walked the halls of the conference, I saw dozens of familiar faces. As I scanned badges I saw dozens of familiar names. This year I’m making an extra effort to attach the names and faces to each other. I’m trying to imprint them into my tired brain so that I’ll be able to recall them when I meet these people again in a context sans name badges. There are so many marvelous people. I want to sit down and talk with all of them for hours. I suppose this is why I spent a large portion of my day sitting in the green room. People filtered in and out and I got to have quick conversations with many of them.

The mass signing was a dismaying event at first, a room packed with tables and people. Gradually they sorted themselves into seated authors and standing attendees. Though often authors would jump up and stand in line to get their books signed. My spot in the room was unfortunately poorly suited for people watching, but I had excellent neighbors. One attendee sought me out with Cobble Stones in hand for me to sign. Another viewed Hold on to Your Horses with such awe, that it revived in me my own love of the book and made me want to finally finish writing the follow up book. More thoughts on that are necessary. I’ve also emerged from today’s conversations with three places to query and a reminder that a friend really would like me to write an article for the magazine where he works. I was also able to gift copies of Cobble Stones to a pair of book bloggers, and they lit up with delight at the gift. Being able to end the day with concrete evidence that my presence improved someone else’s day, that’s a good thing.

And all the thoughts have darted into hiding. Time to sleep now. Another conference day is ahead of me tomorrow.

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Cobble Stones, Storymakers Conference, and a Book Signing in Washington D.C.

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One of my March projects was pulling together a sampler book of blog entries. I’ve now got my advance copies and can be reasonably confident that what I’ve got is ready to sell.

If you want to pre-order your copy of Cobble Stones, just click through to our store. I’m taking pre-orders. The books will ship by May 30. I’ll also have the book available in electronic formats, hopefully in a week or two, but that is one of the tasks which fell by the wayside during my office remodel and surprise trip to see Grandma in the hospital.

My advance copies are slated to be on sale at LDS Storymakers this Friday and Saturday. You’ll find them in the conference store sitting right next to Hold on to Your Horses and a pile of Schlock Mercenary books. Even if you’re not registered for the conference, please feel free to drop by for the mass signing from 5-6:30 pm on Friday May 4, in the Provo Marriott hotel (101 West 100 North, Provo) I expect the signing to be chaotic, but it will be packed with interesting authors whose books are worth reading. Howard and I will both be there.

In two weeks Cobble Stones and I will go on the road. We’ll be attending the Nebula Weekend in Washington D.C. and participating in a mass signing there as well. Friday, May 18, 2012 from 5:30 p.m. until 7:30 p.m. at the Hyatt Regency Crystal City (located at 2799 Jefferson Davis Highway (Route 1), Arlington, Virginia). This signing will be full of authors such as Connie Willis and Joe Haldeman, well worth your time to stop by. I expect to spend most of my time people watching the fans standing in line for other people. Though I’ll have my sister Nancy Fulda for company. I will have copies of Cobble Stones and Hold on to Your Horses available for sale.

Make your plans and come say hello.

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A Prayer for the Coming Week

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May this week contain a full measure of mental calmness to go with the long to do list. May the lilacs keep blooming and scenting the air with loveliness. May my presentations be inspired enough to be useful to those who hear them. May my children have a week with no new emotional crises. May my house be cleaner and more orderly at the end of the week than the beginning. May I help someone else instead of always being tangled in my own head. May I pay attention to the blue sky, to the air I breathe, and the goodness of my life.


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I Keep My Brain in My Office

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I am very tired today and I have learned an important thing about myself; I store parts of my brain function in the organizational structure of my house. Once I got the correct desk installed in my office and set up my computer on it, much of my inability to prioritize vanished. This effect increased as I moved my books and projects into their new places in my office. I depend upon visual reminders to help me keep track of what I need to do during the day. I post school notes on the kitchen bulletin board and on my fridge. My old computer hutch was papered with post-it notes. A business card sitting at the foot of my monitor would remind me of an email to send. With all of that stuff packed away in boxes I carried a level of stress and internal confusion. My written to do list has all of those reminders as well, but apparently my back brain requires spacial orientation to the tasks. It is fascinating. I may get more analytical about why this works for me at some other time. For now I am very tired.

In the last two weeks I’ve been to IKEA four times (Howard once), Home Depot six times, Lowe’s twice, and I think there was a Walmart run in there as well. Each time I was making expensive purchasing decisions or returning the results of last trip’s bad decisions. I helped three kids keep track of their work so they could get it done. I kept in touch with my parents (Grandma is better, moved back into the physical rehabilitation facility). The prom dress was altered, not perfectly, but well enough. Kiki was sent off smiling to prom. Gleek is into the middle of her time swap. All of this week’s critical tasks are done all of it despite multiple nights of insomnia followed by mornings where I had to get up early. Next week has a new list of critical tasks, I am not going to think about them tonight. Instead I’m going to show you pictures of my remodeled office, because it is pretty. …

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Volunteer Auxiliary Brains

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My friend called me this morning. “Do you need help? Can I help you with stuff?” Such was my state of mind that I was able to identify that I could probably use help, but I needed to ask Howard what help I could most use. Howard told me to haul my friend with me to IKEA to return the wrong furniture and to help me figure out the right furniture. She trailed me through the store and functioned as an auxiliary brain. She gently detached me from my fixation on certain furniture layouts and offered alternatives. In fact she made sure that no alternative was left unexamined, even when I lay my head down on a desk and whined about how I am so tired of making decisions right now. Or perhaps I was whining about just being tired. Three hours of sleep will do that to a person. BUT I finally have the right desk. It is all assembled and ready for me to move my computer onto it. I don’t have the emotional fortitude to tackle it this evening, but tomorrow, surely.

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The Thoughts I Think at 3:30 A.M. When I am not Asleep

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It is 3:30 a.m. and I lie in bed worrying that I bought the wrong table at IKEA. It is an irrational worry. I know this, but in the drifting space between waking and sleeping logic is disconnected. I got a table to be my new work desk, but when I got it here I realized it was not the right shape. This is obviously the first minor collapse in my decision making skills which will make everything fall apart. Last night I had similar emotions about the light fixture I chose, which Howard assures me is fine. In this case the desk will have to be returned. It is a minor setback in a project that is mostly going well. Except that it delays the time when I’m settled back in my office instead of cramped up at an awkward desk in Howard’s office. Half awake it seems like I’ll never be able to get any focused work done again.

I wanted to start this next paragraph by saying “the real problem, of course is…” Only I can’t. The trouble is multitudinous. The construction work on my office is done, the moving in is yet to be accomplished. If I could get that done, it would greatly help to settle my mind. Only I’ve got orders waiting for me to ship. I should do those first. And the accounting. I haven’t sat down with the finances since before I took my office apart. Since that date I have spent thousands of dollars on remodeling costs, a trip to California to see my sick Grandma, and some new furniture for the new space. In theory I’ve budgeted and mental math says I’m still inside budget, but I don’t quite trust my mental math or decision making skills right now. So, I ought to do accounting and settle my mind. But Kiki got a last minute invitation to Prom. It is on Saturday. I have to make several minor alterations on her dress. It is a fairly small task except that my sewing things are in the big stack of things which used to be in my office. I’ll have to dig them out. The dress has to be done. I should do that first. Except tomorrow I have a meeting scheduled with Link’s teacher. It turns out that he has not been doing his homework or school work of late. There is a pile of things for him to catch up on. I need to conference with the teacher to figure out how best to help him accomplish this. We also need an ongoing plan because he shut down after feeling overwhelmed. Link has earned a spot center stage in the “focused parenting” category. It is nothing that can’t be handled. I can do it easily when I’m on top of my game. Which I’m not, as evidenced by my horrible poor decision making regarding the selection of an office table. Tomorrow also has to feature the construction of a milk carton catapult so that Patch can give a presentation on catapults to his class. I need to buy Marshmallows for that. Only the van is almost out of gas, so I need to buy gas before I drive anywhere. While I’m buying gas I need to get gas for the lawnmower. The lawn is nearly to the point where it can be measured in feet. So I should make the kids do their lawn mowing. I should also call my Mom, because the last update on Grandma was two days ago and she was weaker then. I should be doing more to support Mom and Dad. I should at least be keeping up with how things are going there. Except that I keep burying that thought, or getting distracted, because it hurts. So many things hurt and I’ve got no time to break down and cry until at least Saturday. Tomorrow Gleek begins a time swap activity in which she spends a week living as her Grandma did in 5th grade. This means altering our family patterns to accommodate the fact that she’ll not be using any electronic entertainment, we get bonus points if she makes it all week without using a microwave or driving faster that 50 miles per hour. I love the idea of this assignment. I want to do it right, make it a positive experience. But we’ve got to get it done early because next weekend I have a conference and the kids will be babysitting each other while Howard and I are presenting. This will work best if they can watch movies while we’re gone. So time swap has to start late tomorrow night. I still need to work on two presentations for the conference. I have notes. It shouldn’t be too hard, but it isn’t done yet. Perhaps I should get that done first thing tomorrow so that I don’t have to worry about it anymore. After the conference we’ve got company coming. At least I’ll have a sofa bed for them to sleep on. It’ll be delivered tomorrow evening and will be placed into my newly remodeled office. Hopefully it will be delivered before writer’s group, but likely in the middle of it. I need to do the reading for writer’s group. I should do that first thing tomorrow so that it is done. I really hope that the sofa is delivered and is exactly right. After the table debacle I’m afraid that I chose wrong for that too. Then there are the advance copies of Sharp End of the Stick that arrived today. I should be focused on setting up for pre-orders. I should be testing our fulfillment system and learning how it works with the new software I installed last week. But doing that work is really hard when I’m intruding in Howard’s space. He really needs me out of his office. He hasn’t been able to get his work done this week either, not the way he needs to. So I really should focus on getting my office arranged and set up. If only I had my office put back together, maybe I could prioritize everything else. Except, it really is the wrong table. I need to take it apart and return it to the store. I’ve spent so much money lately and I can’t stand the thought of spending more on a table I’ll regret for years. I just need to go get a different table…

Thus my thoughts circle themselves, sometimes drifting to sleep, sometimes snapping awake. There are too many things in my head. Time to eat food since I’m not sure if I really ate dinner. Then perhaps typing over a thousand words about all the dumb stuff in my head will help it clear so that I can sleep. If I fall asleep right now, I could sleep for two hours before I need to get up and start doing all my things.

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Tiny Pretty Things

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Because someone, possibly me, needs some tiny pretty things today. I give you a flower.

This tiny berry plant looks almost like strawberries. They were growing like weeds, taking over my parent’s back lawn.

This moth was quite happy to let me photograph while he napped.

This is not tiny, just pretty. My parent’s back patio. California is lovely and tropical.

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