Sandra Tayler

Wise men say, only fools rush in,
But I can’t help falling in love with you.

The song was made famous by Elvis Presly in 1961. It was an innocent love song.

Shall I stay? Would it be a sin?
if I can’t help falling in love with you.

Okay. Not completely innocent, but still about true love. But the Elvis version is not the one I heard first. I first heard the song as sung by UB40. They had a very different take on the words. Their music video is full of surveillance cameras, and footage of a woman filmed while unaware. These are scenes from the movie Sliver, which is a thriller based in some very unhealthy relationships.

Take my hand take my whole life too
for I can’t help falling in love with you.

The song takes on an ominous tone when placed in such a setting. At the time I felt that the song was a bit obsessive and that the relationship described was unhealthy. Yet the song appealed to me anyway. A couple of years later I figured out why because I had my first child. She entered my life and I was helpless.

Like a river flows to the sea
so it goes, some things are meant to be

As naturally as breathing I handed over my love and life to the tiny little person who needed me. I would bundle her close and dance around my living room singing.

Take my hand take my whole life too
for I can’t help falling in love with you.

Years passed. The baby grew up, but I still loved her with my whole heart. One by one, three more babies entered my life. And I gave each of them my whole heart as well. It is one of the amazing gifts of parenthood that you can give your whole heart four times over and still have some to spare. In 2002 a new version of the song emerged as my favorite. It was sung by the A Teens for the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch. I love it because it is so cheerful and energetic. The movie is all about family, which is perfect because to me this song is all about family and loving forever no matter what. I still sing it to my kids, only now they dance with me and sing right back.

For I can’t help falling in love with you.

Today is the official day for Kindergarten registration. This is when all the kindergarteners-to-be get to meet the teachers and tour the classrooms while the parents fill out paperwork and stand in line. In prior years kindergarten registration was the big event for the week that contained it. This week it is just one event among many. Sometimes I think longingly of that less busy schedule, but then I remember that I like having a life full of new and interesting things rather than looking forward to registration as the highlight of my week.

Alas, Patches will not be attending the registration with me. He has a nasty cold and is currently in bed asleep. The news that he couldn’t go, had him in tears. But he’ll really be better off not trying to deal with new things while sick. I can take him to see the Kindergarten rooms and teachers on a different day. I’m still going to go. He needs to be registered and the sooner I do it, the more likely it is that Patches will end up with the teacher that I want for him. After Gleek’s less-than-ideal kindergarten experience, I feel strongly that Patches needs a more stable teacher.

The next get-ready-for-kindergarten task will be to get Patches’ last round of immunizations. That will not make him happy at all. It doesn’t make me happy either. I hate having to get my kids immunized. I hate it so much that I’d completely suppressed the knowledge that I was not yet done dealing with this stuff. The good news is that this is the last big round of immunizations for me. After this I only have 12 year old booster shots to deal with and those are easy.

Today is a big picture day. Today I am contemplating the vast sweep of the rest of this year and wondering what we were thinking when we scheduled so much stuff. And yet it all feels important. I was going to list it all out, but then I realized that having it laid out might stress Howard and me more. All the stuff is on the calendar. I can deal with it when I get there. For now I just need to keep doing what I have been doing since January 1st, which is take things one week at a time.

If you were to graph the busy-ness of my weeks, there would be a huge bulge each Monday that tapers off toward the end of the week. This happens because I try to get as much done as fast as I can. I’m trying to get ahead. I hope that I’ll actually be able to do some of next week’s stuff this week, thus removing some of the stress from next week. I want to get stuff done, because stuff that is done no longer clutters up my calendar or my to do list. Instead what usually happens is that I wear out by Thursday afternoon. Then Friday frequently ends up as an avoidance day where I don’t do the things on the list. Weekends have a different rhythm because the kids don’t have school. Then I’m back to Monday, determined to get things done.

This week I have merchandise shipping, Teraport Wars layout, and two birthdays to plan.

Howard and I have been watching the new Doctor Who. I loved season one. Now we’re part way into season two and I am having a hard time enjoying it. All the elements are enjoyable, but they aren’t telling the story I want to see. Season one heavily featured a character arc based on the growing closeness and relationship between the two primary characters. I want to see that continue to grow and develop in the same direction because it made me happy. But the production team is choosing other aspects and stories to tell instead. These other aspects and stories are interesting and worthy, but they aren’t what I hoped for. (Please no spoilers in the comments. We’re only about 4 episodes in to season two.)

I think this is often a problem that interferes with the enjoyment of fiction, although usually not as blatantly as my frustration with Doctor Who. We all have stories that we want to hear. I have a strong desire for people I like to be happy. I like the characters in Doctor Who. I identify strongly with them and so I want them to get to be happy for awhile even if I know it can’t last. But as long as I am holding on to the story I want to see, I can’t see what is actually there.

I suspect this is not just a problem with fiction, but also in life. We sometimes misjudge a person or situation because we’re holding so tightly to what we want to be true that we can’t see what is actually there. I have moments like this with my kids all the time. Moments when I suddenly notice that my child stopped being the baby or toddler that I was still picturing them as being. This is a small example. A larger one would be a mother who continues to argue that her son is a good kid even though he’s doing drugs and committing felonies to support that habit. The mother’s story is a possibility instead of a reality. Her possibility is much more satisfying to her than the reality, and so she wants to cling to it. That’s an extreme example and perhaps not a good choice for comparison. A better comparison would be one where reality is beautiful and good, just in different ways than expected.

Tonight we’ll watch another episode and I’m going to try to put aside the story I wish for so that I can enjoy the story that is there.

My life is overflowing with possible blog topics this evening.

I could write a poignant vignette about the wonderful lunch I had today with my friend Julie of Mental Tesserae.

I could write a rant about how much I dislike being sick, particularly when it steals my voice and saps my energy thus rendering me unable to properly manage my children.

I could write a long winded tale about the emotional crisis feedback loops that become possible when a mother and a teenage daughter, neither of whom feel well, begin to argue about homework. That one could either be a tragedy or a comedy depending upon the spin I give the tale.

I could write a joyful announcement that my work will be featured in Darwin’s Evolutions inaugural issue due out in May. Evolutions looks to be a very respectable online market and they’re currently seeking solid stories for the first issue.

I could muse upon the weight of responsibility that accumulates when people build dreams for their own futures based upon things I have begun but not finished yet.

I could entertain with an anecdote about my children, who surely did something charming today. Patches talking about Abraham Lincoln for instance. (Patches was very excited that Mr. Lincoln freed all the people with brown skin because this means his friend Wally from preschool is not a slave.)

I could ponder further upon experiences that I had at LTUE. There were people I enjoyed talking to that I failed to mention. There were conversations I’d like to have recorded. There were thoughts I’d like to write down so that I do not lose them.

I could review the movies I’ve watched lately while I was trying to make my brain stop thinking about everything else. (Auntie Mame, Mean Girls, Firefly, the new Doctor Who, etc.)

In the end it looks like I chose to list all of these things in the hope that on another day when my brain is not so tired, I can come back and explore some of these topics more fully.

Note to self: When you write a Very Important Email in the morning be sure you actually send it before spending the rest of the day neurotically checking to see if there is a reply.

Yeah. It’s been one of those days. The kind of day where the weight of the stressful things rob the good things of their joy. I am tired.

Tomorrow will be better.

Every Monday night we have a scheduled time when we are all together as a family. This is called Family Home Evening and it is something that our church advocates. Prior to this year, we have had one once every other year or so. Starting the first week of January we have done it every single Monday. It has been a good thing for our family. We made up a chart so that the burden of planning for this event is spread out. Each child has a job to do in preparation. The jobs are opening prayer, song, lesson, closing prayer, chart keeper, and activity. Giving them each assignments helps them look forward to the event. They’re also more respectful during it, because they know the work that is involved.

All is not sunshine and roses though. I hardly expect that from an activity that puts all of us into close proximity for any period of time. Sometimes the event is more about Mom and Dad modeling good conflict management than about the topic or activity of the day. This evening for example. Gleek had an upset just prior to start time and declared that she would not come at all. I told her it was family time and that she had to come. Then she declared that she would just put her fingers in her ears the whole time. She didn’t, of course. She was far too interested in hearing what was going on. Kiki did a marvelous job with the lesson and kept everyone’s interest really well. The chaos began with Link’s activity.

Link decided to create a variant of “Doggie Doggie where’s your bone.” This version had a bone carefully constructed out of duplo blocks. The “doggie” then broke the bone into pieces and hid them. The other players then had to walk around in the dark, find all the pieces, re-construct the bone, and then give it to the doggie. Then the players would try to steal the bone back and the doggie had to guess who stole it. We did the “find pieces in the dark” thing exactly once and then I declared that we had to play a more traditional version of the game. All was well for the first couple of rounds, but then the little ones began to take the game far too seriously. Being guessed when you had the bone was cause for tears. Not getting to be the doggie was cause for tears. Not getting to be the bone-stealer was cause for tears. Each bout of tears required the game pause while ruffled feelings were soothed. The biggest catastrophe of all was when Howard played a joke by calling out to the doggie before the stealing was done. That had three kids crying simultaneously because “Daddy ruined the whole game!”

So tonight the family event ended grumpily. Know what? That’s just fine. Family isn’t always about being happy together. Family is about sometimes hurting each other’s feelings and still loving each other. Family is about saying sorry a lot. Family is about being irritated by a person that you would move the whole world to help if it becomes necessary. That kind of love and loyalty is built slowly through lots of shared experiences both good and bad. When I talk with my siblings we reminisce as fondly about the old squabbles as we do about the happy games. I like to think of my grown-up kids looking back at this grumpy evening and laughing with joy that it existed. I’ll pay the price of some grumpy family times to get a future like that.

My brain is too full. This has been a chronic problem for several months now. I spend most of my days moving from task to task without pause. When I do have down time, I want to escape and so I read or watch something. This does let me stop thinking about my things-to-do, but it also crams additional material into my head. I really need a recreational activity that lets me sort my thoughts rather than giving me new thoughts to sort. I hope it warms up soon so that I can get outside and garden. I miss flowers and wet earth.