Sandra Tayler

I’ve been feeling stir crazy all day today. I’ve been cooped up in the house with four kids all day long. I kept mulling over plans that would get me out of the house, but then I’d glance at the thermometer which read no higher than 15 degrees all day long. That isn’t just cold, that’s cold which MEANS it. (Yes I know many places in this world get much colder, but I’ve never lived in them.) Temperatures tonight are supposed to be -3. Brrr.

I probably should have gotten outside for a walk anyway. It would have been good for me. I can’t say exactly why I didn’t. Why do we do that? Let small things, like cold, keep us from doing things which will be good for us and which we would enjoy doing? Once I get moving I love going for walks outside. I particularly enjoy it if I can go by myself and thus not have to stop every fourth step to examine rocks, sticks, or pavement. Last year I walked to and from Link’s school pretty much every weekday. This year I’ve only done that a handful of times. I miss the walking. And yet somehow rather than just going out for a walk, I find myself waiting for a warmer day, or a less tired day, or after I eat something. Thus do windows of opportunity slide silently into the past.

I changed my desktop background. It now features a photo I took of pansies glowing in strong summer sunlight. It isn’t a great photo, but it has flowers in it and more importantly it has that sunlight glowing across the whole screen. I have other pictures of summer flowers and I find myself browsing them lately. It is as if I’m trying to fool my brain into believing that summer is here, or at least near. It works for a moment while I’m staring at the pictures. They make me glad. But I can only stare at flower pictures for so long before I get bored. Then I click away to some other spot on my computer. At least the bulbs which I planted in pots are beginning to sprout flowers. I may have blooms by next week.

My house faces south. On sunny days I get sunlight streaming in my front windows. I find myself sitting in the front room in the late afternoon. I’ll find reasons to be there from about 3:30 until about 5 when the sunlight gets weak. I don’t plan to do that, but I end up there anyway. It’s like I’m instinctively trying to store up light because I know the night will be long and dark. Not only is the night long and dark, but the next day may or may not feature sunshine. Utah winters tend to have lots of gray cloud cover. But despite my need for sunlight and flowers I find myself optimistic and cheerful. This year winter does not loom inside my head the way it has done in years gone by. I think all that writing and mental sorting I did last January really helped.

It also helps that I’m filling the winter months with small events to look forward to. Tomorrow I get to have some local friends over for Sunday dinner. Wednesday I get to host a church luncheon. Friday I get to have a long-known-but-little-seen friend over for lunch. Then I hope to escape town altogether on the weekend of the 27th. I really want to have hours to just chat with my sister-in-law. I’ve been saving up things to talk to her about. Phone calls aren’t the same. And I’m really looking forward to seeing submissions from artists for my children’s book, most of those will be coming in this week.

Small happy things are important during winter.

In a fit of electronic organization I was sorting through the My Documents folder on my computer. True to most organization projects I discovered lots of garbage that could be pitched. Also true to most organization projects I uncovered one completely forgotten treasure. I wrote it down two years ago during the April when Gleek was four years old:

Gleek: “Oh! Do you remember that time when Kiki was running in the family room and fell down and broke her head off?”

Me (confused): “What?”

Gleek: “Kiki was running around and fell and broke her head off and you had to take her to the hospital and they sewed it.” A pause for thought “Did you carry her head for her?”

At this point I realized that Gleek was retelling the story of Kiki’s Stitches as she remembered it. The real event was not nearly so exciting as Gleek’s version. Kiki had three little stitches on her forehead from which she has a small white scar.

It made me laugh out loud when I read it, so I wanted to share.

Snow.

I could probably stop there since the word “snow” is a fairly good descriptor of our current winter weather. But then I would be neglecting the word “cold” and we can’t leave such a serviceable word out in the…cold. Wait, maybe that would actually be a good idea since I’d prefer that the cold stay outside rather than in the house.

It’s funny how snow in November and December is greeted with cries of glee from the children. Today they all looked at the white falling from the sky and wished for spring. Link wants to be able to wear shorts again. Gleek is tired of being stuck indoors. Patches gets cold easily and has been living in sweatshirts and sweaters. Kiki is just afraid that there will be so much snow that it prevents her from going to school next week when her class has activities planned that she really wants to do. Kiki’s wish is the only one that is likely to be granted. I’ve had kids in school for 7 years now and I’ve yet to experience a snow day. I’m pretty sure the snow has to be measured in feet before they’ll close Utah schools.

So we’ve all been striving to entertain ourselves indoors. Twilight Princess has been a huge help with this. Anyone who claims that video games isolate children have not watched my kids. Kiki is the one who actually plays. She mans the controller and beats the challenges. The other three kids treat it as sort of an interactive movie. They watch the story unfold and shout suggestions. Sometimes they decide that rather than continuing the adventure they’ll spend some time with Link-as-wolf scaring all the townspeople. This is apparently the height of hilarity. They did the same sort of thing with Ocarina of Time, only the entertainment there was attacking chickens. I love sitting down here in my office and hearing all that joyful laughter.

The laughter won’t end today either. In my my mind’s eye I can see these kids grown to adults back together again for a reunion. They’ll laugh again over the frightened townspeople. We’re not hiding from the weather, we’re building memories.

Yesterday no one seemed interested in my children’s book project. This morning Howard blogged about it on the Schlock front page. Now I have a good half dozen or more artists who have asked about the project. Being part of the Schlock team has some perks. Hopefully one of these queries will result in a pleasant collaboration.

I also spent some time today exchanging messages with people who had suggestions for our trip to Seattle in March. So it was a big email day. It’s always nice to get email when it isn’t spam.

Today the outside temperature soared into the 50s. I herded myself and the children outdoors to get some sunshine. I have to grab January sunshine when I can because it won’t be around for long. Another storm is due tomorrow bringing more cold and snow. At least I got all the outdoor Christmas lights taken down.

…and that’s all I’ve got right now. Scattered thoughts for a scattered day I guess.

I’m still looking for an artist and I’m extending the submission deadline by 5 days. Details here.

For most of my life I’ve been a girl who hangs out with guys. This tendency started very early when I realized that the people playing the interesting games were all boys. Who wants to play hopscotch when you can be playing Clash of the Titans? Because I’ve hung around with guys a lot, I’ve been present for many rants, tirades, and laments about the foibles of the feminine half of the human race. I’d listen and resolve never to be as frustrating, demanding, or confusing as the female which featured in the story du jour. But finally at the age of 33 I am coming to terms with the fact that some of these female idiosyncrasies which drive men nuts are hardwired into the female brain. I am female, therefore they are part of me and I just have to learn to live with it.

As a logical, thinking being I can do much to temper my innate feminine reactions. I do not demand gifts of flowers as proof of affection. That has always been a point of pride for me. But I can not deny how much I light up with delight whenever flowers are given to me. Also I may not demand flowers, but I do emotionally require evidence of love and affection. If Howard has been really busy and distracted for an extended period of time (say a couple of weeks) there is a part of my brain which begins to wonder if he still loves me. It is ridiculous. I know it is ridiculous. He tells me that he loves me every day. He’s stayed with me through everything for 13 years. There is no reason I should doubt or feel unappreciated, but that need for regular affirmation is hardwired into my brain. Fortunately I’ve been able to train that little affirmation requiring demon to accept gifts in the form of dishes done, hugs given, jokes shared, etc. I’ve forced that demon to recognize the kinds of gestures which come more naturally to Howard. In this I am different from many women who try instead to train men to feed their demon correctly. I’m glad I’m that much different, but no matter how hard I may try, I can’t make the demon go away, just go quiescent.

And then there is the whole issue of hormonal surges. Some days everything makes me want to cry. Things which made me happy one day will be cause for tears the next. On such days I have to recognize that the crying demon is out for a romp and just looking for a cause to latch onto. The emotions can be so out of whack with reality that it is ridiculous. I remember one time, shortly after giving birth to Kiki, I sent Howard out on an errand. It was a critical errand that needed done, but while he was gone I was throw-objects-at-the-wall furious with him for being gone. Fortunately the emotion was so far out of line with logic that I was able to recognize it and not blast Howard with it when he returned. Emotions are like that all the time. I have to examine my emotions and try to figure out if they make sense. If they don’t then I still have to deal with the emotion, it doesn’t go away, but at least I know that I’ll probably feel differently tomorrow. If the emotions do make sense, that is a different issue entirely.

So there’s my rant on being female courtesy of today being a Mood day.

At the end of March Howard will be attending Emerald City Comic Con in Seattle. We are considering making it a family vacation trip as well. We’ll be stopping in Boise on the first night because it’s approximately half way and because my sister lives there so we can crash at her house. The road from our house to my sister’s house is a familiar one, so we intend to make that a straight shoot. The road from Boise to Seattle is not familiar and here is where I’m asking for help. What sights are there to see between Boise and Seattle? We don’t mind going a little off the path for something really cool and may even consider adding a stop with enough incentive.

The kids and I will stop by the con for awhile, but probably not all day. I’ll need other things to do with the kids on a Saturday in the Seattle area. Any suggestions would be appreciated. On Sunday I’ll be locating a local LDS congregation and going to church with the kids. Howard will probably be announcing this trip from his front page as we get closer to the event. There may even be a Schlocker meetup separate from the con, I know of lots of you who live in the area.

I would love to get together with Seattle area LJ friends as well. There’s lots of stuff that can be crammed into this vacation, I’m just trying to figure out what it all is so that I can start sorting things in my head.