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Happy Birthday Schlock!

By / June 12, 2008 / 2 Comments

Eight years ago today Howard posted the first Schlock Mercenary strip. At that moment we began a ride that has taken us some very unexpected places. I did not expect my husband to transform into a professional cartoonist. I did not expect to transform into a business manager. I did not expect to be this happy or this busy. I did not expect to be self-publishing books or shipping them. I did not expect us both to be working from home. I could go on and on listing the small and large effects which that first act of creation put into motion.

Happy Birthday Schlock! It’s been a good trip and it ain’t over yet.

Consequences

By / June 11, 2008 / 6 Comments

This morning Gleek and I had to discuss consequences. Gleek wanted a definition of the word. I found a way to describe it that I really like and will probably use again. It went like this:

Me: If you hold a rubber ball in your hand and you drop it, what happens?

Gleek: It bounces.

Me: Right. The fall and the bounce are the consequences. Once you choose to let go, you also get the fall and the bounce. Now what if you hold something fragile and glass in your hand and then you drop it?

Gleek: It smashes.

Me: Right. That is also a consequence. Sometimes consequences are things we want, like the ball bouncing. Sometimes consequences are things that we don’t want, like the broken glass. So we need to think ahead when we choose to make sure the the consequences are something that we want to live with.

Scene at the pool

By / June 11, 2008 / 5 Comments

Gleek loves swim lessons. She loves them so much that she practices and practices her skills. She has amassed a whole repertoire of water tricks, most of which she tries to display while her teacher is trying to explain something else. I have great sympathy for Gleek’s swim teacher. “Stay put and listen” is not something Gleek does well even in less enthralling circumstances than a noisy pool full of kids and splashing. By the end of 30 minutes the teacher is very ready to hand Gleek back to me. Unfortunately the hardest part of swim lessons is getting Gleek out of the water. She has an endless stream of “one more things.” Each one delays the moment of pool exit. I get to stand on the edge of the pool, fully dressed, coaxing and warning of consequences. The problem is that all the swim lessons are scheduled back to back. The teacher needs Gleek out of the pool quickly, so that the next class can be welcomed. Today Teacher solved this problem by lifting Gleek out of the pool and handing her directly to me. This tactic did not go over well with Gleek.

It is not fun to stand at the side of a pool, holding the arm of a sopping wet, screaming child, who is desperately trying to jump back into the water. This especially not fun with a full audience of other parents and children. One of the things that I’ve had to learn while parenting Gleek is that to manage her appropriately I have to ignore the fact that I have an audience. If I go softer on her in public because people are watching, then I am just guaranteeing a future public showdown because she will push limits until the showdown is necessary. This is not because she is deliberately trying to defy me, she is just so full of energy that any limits feel confining to her. But the limits are necessary to keep her safe and to make sure that her behaviors do not impinge on the safety or enjoyment of others. We all have to accept limits.

I scooped the dripping, screaming Gleek into my arms and began to carry her from the pool. She was screaming that she wanted to show her teacher just one more thing, please just let her show one more thing. Truth be told, if I’d let her back into the water, Gleek would have done the one more thing and gotten back out happy. Probably. She might have asked for another one more thing. And another. But the teacher was gone and the next classes were already in the water. The time for showing things to teacher was over. Gleek wiggled free and ran toward the water. I called to her that if she got back into the water I was going to have to cancel the rest of her swim lessons because she couldn’t obey the pool rules. She stopped. She could tell that I really meant it. She did not get back into the water, but she did not stop screaming either.

A big tantrum has momentum. Even if Gleek can see that the original point is lost, she is still filled with emotion and it has to go somewhere. It takes real skill for a person to head off such a huge emotional head of steam. Gleek is working on developing those skills. Sometimes she amazes me with the control she has over herself. Even today in the midst of shrieking tantrum, she exhibited control. She did not jump in the pool. She did hit me, but she totally pulled her punches. Gleek is small for a seven-year-old, but she’s all muscle. She could really wallop if she wanted to. But even though she was mad enough to really do some damage, she didn’t. I could barely feel the “hits.” When I carried her out, she struggled, but she did not go into a full-out panicked thrash. If she did that, I would not be able to carry her at all, she is too big and strong these days.

There may have been parents at the pool who were totally shocked at my child’s behavior. They may have seen her as completely out of control and me in dire need of a parenting coach. They’re wrong. Yes we had a huge scene at the pool today, but Gleek was not out of control. She and I were both working very hard to reign in some out-of-control emotions that she was feeling. She was already winding down as we left the building. Once in the car, she started crying for her blankies. That’s a sure sign that the storm is over. I assured her that we were going to them as soon as we could. She started to wind back up crying for her blankies RIGHT NOW. I pulled the car over to the side of the road. I told her I was stopping to give her blankies, but I didn’t have them in the car with me. I’d like to drive to go get them, but I couldn’t drive with screaming in the car. Then there was silence punctuated by some sniffles and a little bit of foot kicking to vent the last of the feelings.

At home we snuggled with the blankies and talked about the event. We talked about why it happened and how to make sure that it does not happen again. We also discussed what consequences should be applied today to make sure that we don’t have a scene at the pool again. Gleek suggested she have to run a mile. Instead I said that she can’t play with friends today. This makes the rest of the day unpleasant for us all, but this one unpleasant day will insure that Gleek is a perfect angel at swim lessons for the rest of the summer. One of Gleek’s strong points is that she remembers. Once we have had a big scene to define a limit, she will remember where that limit is and stay well inside it. Gleek does not like the tantrums either.

We finished with a bath for her and dry clothes for me. That gave us a fresh start on the rest of the day. It seems to have worked, because the day is going smoothly.

The Hold Horses pre-order

By / June 10, 2008 / 19 Comments

Yesterday morning Howard blogged about Hold on to Your Horses. This was it. This was the big moment when people would either plunk down money, or they wouldn’t. The first order came in and I almost cried. Someone who I’ve never met or even heard of before liked the book enough to spend money on it. It was a small piece of proof that I’d helped create something that people could love even if they didn’t know or love me. Over the course of the day lots more comments and orders came in. There were many emails, some from friends, some from strangers. Each one brought me joy. I am so grateful for each and every one of these messages.

I need them all very much because not as many orders came in as I’d hoped for on that first day. A couple of days ago I talked about feeling like a sky diver who had already jumped from the plane and not yet pulled the parachute cord. I talked about hoping for a solid parachute. Deep inside I was actually wondering if I’d pull that cord and have a jet plane pop out. That’s what happens for Howard’s books. His pay for themselves in less than 24 hours. But he has spent 8 years carefully building a fan base. Not all of those people are going to be interested in my project just because I’m married to Howard. They’re his fans, not mine. (Except for a few of you. Hi! Thank you!) Hold on to Your Horses still has a long way to go before it pays for itself. It has an even longer way to go before I could feel good about investing time and energy into another self-published project, which I’d dearly love to do. I guess what I really want is a hang glider rather than a parachute. I want this project to have wings. I think it can, but I’m going to have to put even more work into it. I’m going to have to get that free PDF out there. I’m going to need to arrange blog book tours. I’ve got other ideas as well. Mostly I need to feel good about where we’re at, instead of whining “Are we there yet?” before the car even gets out of the driveway.

So here is the request for help. If you read this blog and you have thoughts or ideas about how I can further market my book online, please comment. I can’t do any physical appearances until after I have books in hand. Right now I just want to get the pdf out there to as many people as I can so that they can fall in love with the book and come buy it.

Edited to add: If you have friends who would be interested in Hold Horses, I’d love for you to tell them about it, but PLEASE do not perpetrate spam on my behalf. Thanks!

Addendum: My sister reminds me (and she is right) that what I need to be shooting for is “sleeper hit” status, not “blockbuster” status. This lets me see that things are going really well. We’ve already had more than 3000 downloads of the free pdf.

Two last things. I hope that no one feels obligated to buy my book, particularly if finances are tight. Bills before books. I hope that no one feels obligated to blog or email people about my book. If you don’t want to for any reason, no excuses are necessary. Thanks again.

Parenting other people’s children

By / June 8, 2008 / 1 Comment

My nephew stayed with us all last week. Nephew is just six months older than Link, so they were buddies all week long. You’d think that adding a child to my four wouldn’t cause that big an impact, but it does. He was like a pebble thrown into the pond, causing ripples in the patterns of our lives. Some of the ripples made my life far easier. He is a very easy going child and was willing to play with anyone who was around. So while Link was in Summer school, Nephew was marvelous at keeping Gleek and Patch entertained. Other ripples made my life more difficult. Nephew slept on an air mattress on the floor of the boy’s room. I did not want the mattress popped, so I had to deflate it each morning, then re-inflate it at bedtime. I also had to negotiate who could sleep on the the queen sized mattress with Nephew, because sleeping on an air mattress is way cooler than sleeping in a bed. Both Link and Patch took turns sharing with Nephew. Gleek did not because Nephew was uncomfortable sharing the mattress with a girl. But she did get to sleep on the floor in the same room for a couple of sleepover nights.

Now Nephew is gone and those new ripples have dispersed leaving calm. The normal patterns of interactions have returned. I thought about it on the long drive to return Nephew to his parents. I played “what if” pondering how one would go about adding children to an established familial pattern. What if Nephew and his siblings somehow became my responsibility permanently. I would take them all if it were necessary, even though it would give me a household with nine children in it. We’d need a bigger house. That would be a totally different experience than a visit for a week. Instead of enduring a short-term disturbance I would instead be working to create entirely new permanent patterns. I would have to find ways to parent children who have never had me in that role before. I thought about Nephew and all the little things that I could let slide because I’m not his mother. As his aunt I don’t have to care if he leaves his clothes on the floor or if he doesn’t ever want to read. If I were his parent those would be battlegrounds I would have to face.

I know people who have to face this sort of challenge every day. They have agreed to love and parent children who are not biologically theirs. My brother and his wife are foster parents. Some friends of ours have adopted a dozen children of various ages and national origin. Other friends have married a spouse who already had kids. This last category is possibly the toughest because the patterns must allow for the biological parent to still be involved and cause ripples. I admire all these people. They undertake daily a task I have never had to do. The day may come when I take on the task of parenting a child who is not biologically mine, but until that day I’ll just watch these people with awe.

Broken internet

By / June 7, 2008 / 6 Comments

My internet is broken.

I have been a regular reader for the blog www.wouldashoulda.com for over two years now. About four days ago it stopped loading claiming “The server at wouldashoulda is taking too long to respond.” I tried repeatedly over the next couple of days and found several other sites that seemed gone as well. But then I discovered that other people are able to see them just fine. Nothing is broken on my end. Nothing is broken on wouldashoulda. Somewhere in the middle is a blockage. I’ve no idea why or how to fix it. My best hope is to call my ISP on Monday, but I don’t hold out much hope of them being particularly helpful.

Sigh. I miss my blog reading.

Defensiveness

By / June 6, 2008

All this past year I drove in a carpool to take Patch and three of his friends to preschool. It was nice having to only make the trip once per week. It was less nice that one of the kids regularly informed me that I should clean out my van. I felt mad every single time. I found myself wanting to argue, to explain, to scold. I did not because the child is five. Tact is not something kids understand at that age. I’ve thought about this since the event and I realized something. I was reacting defensively. I wanted to either explain why my car was such a mess or explain why he should not make comments like that. But the big realization was why I was reacting defensively. I reacted defensively because a part of me believed that he was right, that I should take more time to clean out the van. If I had not agreed with him, then his comments would not have bothered me at all. I started observing other instances of defensiveness and this seemed to hold true in all of them. People get defensive when part of them agrees with the person they are defending against.

This is a very useful insight into defensiveness. People who feel defensive will either entrench to defend or go on the attack to distract. A frontal assault may force a concession, but the price is often too high. If I instead meet defensiveness with a retreat on my part that includes sympathy, the defenses may be abandoned and what was potentially a war becomes a conversation. It is even more useful for me looking inward. When I feel defensive, I can now look inside to figure out what part of what they said I agree with. I can then figure out where I’m not living up to my own standards and decide whether to address the issue or let it go.

In the case of the dirty van, I chose to let it go. The inside of my van is a big mess because I am choosing to spend my energy on other things. If it bothers me what other people think about the inside of my vehicle, then I need to move cleaning up on the priority list so that it gets done. Either way there is no need to be angry at a little boy who was merely making an observation with no intention to offend.

Advance Copies

By / June 5, 2008 / 7 Comments

My name is on the cover of a book. It is right there under “written by.” The book is real. It arrived today via Fed Ex. In fact 10 identical books arrived. They are my advance copies of Hold on to Your Horses. The first one out of the package was given to Gleek. She is the reason that the book exists at all. The next two copies were shipped off to Angela Call whose name can be found under “Illustrated by.” This leaves seven copies remaining. These are my promotional copies. Each of these will go to carefully selected homes in the hopes that they will find many friends who will come and pre-order one of the other 2000 copies of the book which will arrive in my driveway Mid-July.

The seven books in a row currently sit in my office. I can see all the spines lined up with the title and my name and Angela’s name reiterated all down the row. All the stress and tears and despair have come to this. I wrote a story and now it is a book.

I’m scared.

It is strange to feel scared at this point. The work is all done. The book is beautiful. All the stress we put into making sure the colors would print correctly, worked. The colors are beautiful. The book is beautiful. …but I can’t tell if I think it is beautiful because it is mine or if there is true goodness and beauty in it. I don’t know if more than 700 people will be willing to put down money to buy my book.

I imagine my feelings today are similar to those of a skydiver who has already jumped out of the plane, but has yet to pull on the parachute cord. In theory when I open ordering on the book, people will show up with money in hand, but I can’t know for sure until I pull the cord. I have just a few more pieces to put into place, then the ordering can begin. Soon…

Tonight’s blog

By / June 4, 2008

Still working on the schedule. Not going as crazy as I was on Monday, but I still haven’t figured out how to fit everything in. Blogging has apparently not fit in well during the last couple of days.

Also this week has been very shiny with merchandise prototypes. I love it when new things get brought to my door. Tomorrow I’m expecting even more. Whee.