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When Howard and I were engaged we attended a devotional meeting led by one of the General Authorities of our church. I don’t remember which one he was, or the topic of the meeting, but I remember clearly that at one point he challenged the audience to look inside themselves to find what was truly most important to us. I remember searching inside myself and discovering that beyond the “givens” of living a good life as outlined by my religion, the most important thing was to be a mother, to pass on to children all the love and nurturing that I had received. After the meeting was over, Howard and I talked about it. He said that for him, the important thing was to create things and share them with other people and hopefully make a living doing so. We discussed how these two things would fit together and figured it would work very well.

That event was the beginning of our plan for our life together. Thereafter we measured all our wants and projects to see if they helped or hindered these core goals in our lives. We spent money on a house because it provided some stability for both central goals. We then began paying off the house as quickly as we could to further provide financial stability. Even when Howard’s Novell salary doubled, we did not spend much more than we already had. Instead we saved and plotted so that we could some day quit that job without jeopardizing the welfare of our growing brood of children. We made sure that we accumulated the skills we would need to succeed. The realization of the dreams has sometimes been different than expected, cartooning rather than music became the creation of choice, but the core goal was the same. Knowing what the goal was, let us steer our lives toward it.

All of this is fresh in my mind today because I read a rant by Robin Hobb in which she likens blogs to vampires that suck the creativity out of fiction writers, leaving them dry. I do not agree with all that she said, but it was an entertaining read and it made me think. Creative people are frequently filled to overflowing with ideas. They don’t just have one dream, they have a hundred. One of the hardest things for a creative person to do is to stay focused on a single shiny possibility, particularly when some of the others seem so much easier to reach. The tendency then is to chase one dream for awhile and then abandon it for the next. This frequently leaves the creative person about where they started with all the dreams still out of reach. This distraction is what Robin Hobb is lamenting. However what Ms. Hobb does not acknowledge is that for some people blogging is actually a help and inspiration for the writing rather than a hindrance. One person’s distraction can be another’s stepping stone. It all depends upon the situation and the core goals. My blog has been both depending on circumstances.

I frequently feel dazzled by all the shiny possibilities for my life, but I must reluctantly acknowledge that I can not achieve them all. I must choose. Not only must I choose, but I must make sure that the biggest, most important things get the largest slices of my attention. I’m still not finished with that motherhood project I began 13 years ago. I can’t abandon it. I must also continue to support Howard’s core goal of living creatively. In fact both of those goals long ago became “ours” rather than mine and his. That process began on the very first day we talked about it. I add and subtract other shiny possibilities from my life as time and energy allows. But even there I’m not picking possibilities at random, I have a few things I am deliberately chasing, such as writing fiction. And so I slowly, but surely, chart a course through life with which I can be pleased. Slowly, but surely, I am reaching some of those shiny possibilities and putting them into my pockets.

I made an interesting realization last week. Nearly everything I do has multiple purposes. If I pick up a sewing project it is because I enjoy sewing and because Gleek needs a new church dress. If I weed my yard it is because I enjoy gardening and because it makes the house look nice. The more purposes that an activity has attached, the more likely it is to actually get done. All my enjoyments also have agendas. I think there is nothing inherently wrong about mutlitasking this way. It is a good and useful skill. But lately all the needed aspects of my activities have had far more emphasis than the enjoyment aspects. I think I need to make just a little space for single purpose activities. I need to give a child my full attention just because they want to talk to me. I need to read a book just for fun. I need to give myself more micro vacations. I’ve done much better at this during the past week and I can feel the tension unwinding. It is good. Today I spent several hours on single purpose activities. It was harder than I expected. Part of my brain kept agitating, telling me we weren’t being productive enough. Obviously I need more practice at taking time off.

This morning Patches didn’t want to go to preschool. Instead he clung to me and informed me that he just wanted to stay home. I happen to know that Patches really loves preschool and has a great time there every day, so the slow development of a reluctance to go has puzzled me a little. This morning I was settled enough in my own brain to realize that what Patches was really saying was “I want more time and attention from you Mommy.”

I’ve been busy a lot lately. Patches is around me most of the time, but he usually only gets half attention at best. A lot of our interactions involve me trying to find something to occupy him so that I can go back to working. That adds up over time and creates a little boy who feels lonely. In January I was making sure that I carved out daily slices of time to give Patches full attention. That fell by the wayside for the past month or so. Not surprisingly, this is also when Patches started resisting preschool and bedtime.

Today I scooped Patches onto my lap and read with him for a full 40 minutes before preschool. That is a big chunk of time out of my perpetually busy days, but Patches needed it. When time came to leave for school he was content to go.

The second thing I remembered/realized today is that Patches is very verbal. He uses words to sort his experiences. Since he can’t write yet, he needs someone to listen to him and ask pertinent questions. I should totally understand this because it is exactly the way that I am. Words are how I process my experiences. But no one has been listening much to Patches lately. We’ve all been busy. Tonight at bedtime he expressed a fear of monsters and I realized that his head was so tangled up with thoughts that he felt unsettled. He was interpreting that unsettled feeling as fear. So tonight I had him lay down on my bed while I folded laundry. I asked him about preschool and a torrent of words flowed out of him. He gave me a play-by-play of the treasure hunt, recounted the story his teacher read about leprechauns, explained that he was sad twice because he didn’t get to find clues, described exactly where all the clues had been hidden, pondered on the differences between BBQers and grills, and a dozen other things. He talked nearly non-stop for over 30 minutes. He finally fell asleep when I had to leave the room for a few minutes.

I need to remember this. I need to make time for my Patches. More than any of the other kids, he needs to be able to read and write. I need to take time to teach him those things. I really need to take time to listen to him, particularly before bed.

Patches friend on the way to preschool: “My Mom called me awesome possum, but I’m not really a possum, but I am a awesome.”

Gleek singing the Star Spangled Banner “Jose can you see!”

Howard snuggling the blanket wrapped bundles of children after family prayer “You’re a snuggy huggy buggy ruggy!”

Sandra observing the giggling and tickling after Howard’s declaration “looks more like wiggle piggle tickle giggle to me.”

Gleek talking about her friend whose Grandpa just died “But it’s okay, she can just hug on my Grandpa.”

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Fractured funeral thoughtsRead More »

A good night’s sleep does much to settle emotional turmoil. This morning Kiki is completely on board with not giving up. She expressed complete understanding of why I’m requiring it. Apparently last night she was refusing to admit out loud I was right even though she could totally see that I was. There will probably still be moaning and groaning about German study, but I think the major battle is over.

Kiki has been struggling in her German class. Her solution to the struggle was to quit trying. That “F” grade hurts a whole lot less if she knows it came because she gave up. I honestly don’t care whether she ever learns German, but I feel it is critically important for her to learn to keep trying even if the going is rough. So many academic things come easily to Kiki that she doesn’t know how to struggle to learn. She shies away from the struggle and the pain because she has “already had enough pain in her life.” (Her pains include having stitches twice, suffering carpal tunnel in one arm for a few weeks, and being in the middle of two fights between friends.)

I spent an hour this evening talking, lecturing, conversing, storytelling. All of it was aimed at trying to make Kiki understand why giving up is not acceptable in this case. I don’t require her to succeed. I don’t require an “A” grade. She just needs to try as hard as she can and we’ll be happy with whatever grade is the result. Even if that grade is a failing one. At the end of the hour Kiki was still arguing with me, declaring that she just didn’t see any purpose for German in her life. At that point I realized that all the explaining in the world was not going to teach her the lesson she needs. I stopped explaining and simply required her to do 15 minutes of German study at the kitchen table where I could see it before she did anything else. She sulked, but she did it.

Once the study was done, I announced to Kiki that if she chooses to give up, to not try, then I will be forced to conclude that she has not yet learned the lesson that she needs from German and I will re-arrange her schedule for next year so that she has to take it again instead of the fun classes that she had picked out. If she really tries for the rest of the year, then she never has to take German again for all I care. Let me tell you this is not a consequence that I want to apply. I dread applying it. It would make me her enemy for an entire school year. But my dread of applying it is why I will probably never have to. I am now thoroughly motivated to make sure that she does her German study on a daily basis. I would much rather be the enemy for two months than for a full 14 until the end of next year. Hopefully the consequence will motivate her as well, and I won’t have to get in her face every single time to make sure the work gets done.

I don’t like getting strict with my kids. I don’t like having to say “you’ll do it because I said so.” I like reasoning with them and helping them see. But sometimes a child simply can not see and I have to lay down the law. I have to be strict and apply rules that seem stupid to the kids. Then I am the enemy and I don’t like it. But if I do not do it, then I am not doing my best for the welfare of my kids. I hope Kiki can like me again tomorrow.

I feel like I haven’t had a break since LTUE three weeks ago. I got sick for a week. Then the whole mess with the Hold Horses images threw me for an emotional tailspin that lasted for another week. Both of those things interfered with my ability to get anything else done. Then last week I spent all of my non-mommy moments sorting invoices, printing labels, printing postage, emailing customers, folding shirts, packing shirts, and mailing packages. It turns out that folding and shipping 500 t-shirts is not a one person job unless that person enjoys being too tired to see straight for three days in a row.

During the midst of the shirt shipping came the joyous news that my next door neighbor friend had her baby. The very next day we learned that an across the cul de sac neighbor friend died suddenly leaving behind his daughter and two grand daughters. I spent all day Sunday drifting, unable to settle, too tired to focus. I’ve only begun to sort through the emotional repercussions. Birth and death and sickness and stress, the sorting is still incomplete because this morning I had to put myself in gear and be super-effective.

The effectiveness worked. I plowed right through the huge pile of accumulated emails and tasks that always accumulate in the wake of a big shipping. I sorted through all the accumulated piles on my desk. Now my desk is clean. I pulled out the thick two-week’s accumulation of receipts and bills so that I could do the accounting. I finished the accounting all the way down to reconciling all the accounts. I got a lot done. Then I washed up upon the shores of late afternoon with nothing left in me. I decided I’d earned a break and so allowed myself a couple of hours doing whatever my whims dictated. Mostly my whims dictated wandering around aimlessly, but there were a couple conversations with neighbors as well. Emotionally it was what I needed, but it left me unprepared for dinner and family home evening. We muddled through, but I’ve arrived at my blogging hour exhausted. Again.

I am doing too much. If I continue at this pace I will run myself into the ground. Fortunately the pace of the last few weeks is not what is planned for the next few weeks. The slow down is already in process. I’ve still got projects to finish, but I’ve stopped accumulating new things. It will take a few weeks for me to work my way down to a pace I can maintain, but I can see it up ahead.

As for this week, I need to try to wind myself down. I need to create enough spaces that I can sort all the emotions that I’ve packed away into the corners of my brain so that I won’t trip on them while I’m getting stuff done. I have one more big task for this week, laying in the new Hold Horses images. I’ll do it tomorrow and then the rest of the week is little tasks. I’m going to get to go outside and garden. Gardening is perfect brain-sorting work.

When we ship books it is a huge production. I spend hours and hours preparing so that I can simplify things for volunteers. This is necessary if we want to get 1500 packages mailed in two days or less. So when I was faced with a mere 400 t-shirt packages I was quite a bit more lax about pre-planning. The back of my brain refused to believe that this was anything to worry about. Everything is still organized in such a way that I can get the job done, but it would take me forever to explain how it is organized and why I did it that way.

Since the first batch of shirts arrived just after noon, I have packaged up 70 orders. This would seem to bode ill for getting the job done quickly, except those were all the complicated, multi-item orders. Most of what is left are the single shirt orders and those go much more quickly. I still have a long day of work ahead of me tomorrow. I think I can get most of it done. The last little bit will have to wait until I get the final batch of shirts on Saturday.

Back to work with me.