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A couple of weeks ago I sent off the files for Hold on to Your Horses to the printer. The printer contacted me and told me that the files were all RGB and they needed to be CMYK. Then there was this whole huge muddle where I asked my artist to do a pile of extra work which turned out not to be the right solution at all. In the end Howard rescued the project and has provided a solution and I’ve finally managed to admit that I don’t have a clue about image editing. I can pull things into photoshop and push things around to see if I can get an effect that works, but that isn’t true expertise. I don’t even really understand the difference between RGB and CMYK except that I need one for computer screens and the other for print. I am smart enough to learn this stuff, which is what I was trying to do. But I couldn’t learn it fast enough and so I was failing miserably until my resident photoshop expert took the project from me.

The solution is to have Howard do the scanning of originals and the image preparation. With this goal in mind, the originals were mailed to us this morning. I am once again stunned at their beauty. I thought the electronic images were pretty, but in the originals the colors seem to jump right into your eyes and make you happy. I am in awe that such beautiful work was done in support of my words. I can hardly wait to share it and I wish that the electronic or print versions were able to reproduce the glory of the originals. Unfortunately reproductions always lose something. Flat ink on paper can not possibly recreate the luminescence of layer after layer of colored pencil refracting in the light.

The whole muddle figuring out how to get the images done correctly for print was really awful. But I will forever be grateful that I got the chance to see all of the originals even if I don’t get to keep them. I’ll have to be content with the single one that I get to keep and frame.

Note to self: You can not do it all. There is a difference between self sufficiency and a stubborn refusal to ask for help. Even if you are capable of learning something, it often makes more sense to ask for help from someone who already knows how.

This note courtesy of Howard taking over the image editing for Hold on to Your Horses and doing a far better job in two hours than I’d been able to accomplish in two weeks of tweaking. From now on all the image editing needs to stay in the hands of the expert. I’ll stick to layout and design.

The note is also courtesy of Eric Stone who flawlessly implemented my website plan in less than a day. There are still things to tweak, but going solo it would have taken me several frustrating weeks to reach the tweaking stage. Again I should stick with layout. I’m good at organizing things that are already there.

I am a camel laden with bales of straw. The straw is heavy and I have a long walk ahead of me. I could put some of it down, but I’ve agreed to carry it and deliver it to the proper locations. If I lose straws or abandon them early, I will disappoint others and myself. So I carry the straw. I work hard to complete tasks so that I can unload some of the straw. Sometimes the task is only a single straw. Other times the task is a whole bale. Each time I unload some of my burden I feel lighter, like I could dance. But the walk goes on and I am met on the road by an endless stream of people who have more straw for me to carry. Some days I’m quite willing to add to my load. Other days I watch them approach and wonder if this will be the proverbial last straw, the one under which I break completely, the one after which my ability to carry straw at all will be permanently impaired.

The hardest times of all, are when some task I thought I’d completed is unexpectedly handed back to me. Particularly if it a bale of straw task rather than a handful of straw task. This happened to me last night. A bale I’ve unloaded twice, came back to me a second time. But before I could collapse, Howard grabbed the bale and added it to his load rather than to mine. I may be a camel over loaded with straw, but I am a fortunate one, because I have a caravan to walk with. I have others around me who notice when my knees are wobbling and help me carry the load.

Now I need to just walk around to the other side of Howard and see if I can pick up whatever gets knocked off because he picked up my bale. And I need to try to walk faster so I can unload some of this straw. And I need to be very careful about agreeing to carry anything else.

I told Howard about my camel and straw metaphor. He told me I’ve got the wrong one. He says I should instead be the camel with it’s nose in the tent because in that one, the camel wins.

I love Howard. He makes me laugh even when I feel nigh broken.

I finally figured out why Kiki spends so much time scolding and picking at Gleek. I knew that Kiki loves Gleek and so the constant stream of negativity was incredibly frustrating. Kiki was observing Gleek’s current behaviors and extrapolating them unchanged into the future. Kiki could just visualize the disasters ahead for Gleek in that scenario and so felt compelled to hound Gleek into making changes. Gleek, whose behaviors are typical of a seven year old, naturally rebelled at the efforts to make her react as if she were 13.

Today I found a quiet moment to talk to Kiki about what she is doing. I explained that she is right, that if the behaviors continue forever Gleek has a rocky road ahead. Then I also explained that these behaviors will not remain unchanged because Gleek will grow and learn. The example we used was cleaning up a bedroom. This was today’s task and Kiki was picking at Gleek for not working hard enough. I told Kiki stories about herself at that same age and explained a little about the brain development that is necessary to handle such a complex task solo. We then talked about the futility of trying to get a seven year old to behave and react as if she were twice her age.

As we talked I could see an inner tension uncoiling inside Kiki. I’d put my finger right on the trouble. Kiki loves Gleek and wants to save her from disaster. Kiki is very relieved to learn that she does not have to be quite so vigilant. I am hopeful of less squabbling.

Patches turned five yesterday. It always amazes me how my kids can be so big and so little at the same time. I look at him and he is so much smarter and more capable than he was only months ago. He’s grown taller, lankier. The last vestiges of toddlerhood have disappeared. And yet he still curls up so small in my lap when he is sad. Among his birthday gifts were items representing both his future and a connection with the baby he once was.

Patches got a lego set with all the pieces to create an articulated spider. Patches opened the box and set up on the kitchen table. With the booklet in front of him, he carefully sorted through pieces and put them together. Lego instructions are all visual and he was fully capable of using them. It took him 90 minutes, but he put that 193 piece spider together all by himself. When he was done, he came to me with a smile on his face. The spider was in his hands. He showed me how the legs moved. He told me that it was a nice spider and had the spider give my arm a hug to demonstrate. Best of all was the confidence in Patches eyes as he looked at he complicated thing he had done all by himself.

Patches also got a great big stuffed puppy. The thing is three quarters as big as he is. I bought him the stuffed animal because he is continually begging for someone to cuddle him in bed at night. Hopefully the giant puppy (already names Ruffy) will qualify as “someone.” It is also possible that I’ve doomed myself to having a giant stuffed dog in bed with me along with my not-so-grown-up-at-night 5 year old boy.

This morning I turned my calendar over to March and realized that I have arrived in the first month of this year which contains two conventions. The first is a fairly normal event. I help Howard get ready, then he goes. The second is quite different. The second is Ad Astra and I get to go too. I’m excited to go. I’m going to have fun. I am also realizing that there are piles of things I need to do to prepare for leaving the kids behind. My parents are going to come stay with the kids. I want it to be a good experience for everyone, so I’m going to lighten the burden as much as possible. I’ll pre-plan meals and prep them so that preparation is simple. I’ll create a schedule book that my parents can reference. I’ll collect a pile of activities and crafts to smooth over those inevitable sad or bored moments. My brain has begun to run on the things that could go wrong and possible preventions or solutions. This is all normal, but I need to not work myself into a state of stress over it. The truth is that all the preparation is for my own comfort. My parents are fully competent and the kids would survive just fine. Mostly I’m thinking about all of this today because I have the time. Tomorrow I’ll be back working on business stuff and my brain will be too occupied to fret.

This coming week is a shipping week. On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I’ll be organizing the invoices and printing labels to simplify the packaging process. Thursday and Friday will be the actual packing and mailing. We’ve got about 400 packages to do. And of course there is the ever-looming layout work for Teraport Wars. Not to mention the correction work on Hold Horses. It is going to be a busy week.

I watched the final episode of Doctor Who Season 2. Please do not post comments that will spoil future seasons.
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Musings upon a parting of fictional peopleRead More »

Several months ago Howard and I had a conversation with a friend about the things that teenage girls do. During the course of the conversation, I fessed up to having kept a list of the things I wanted in a future husband. This immediately led to the question of whether Howard matched my list. I was pleased to report that he hit every item on the list. I know because I checked while we were engaged. (embarrassing, but true.) He had everything from “fun to be with” to “loves children” to “taller by 1 to 4 inches, but not taller by 5 or more” to “always listens to what I have to say, but does not always agree.” Yeah. Some of those things were pretty specific, others were so vague as to be nigh useless as a point of measurement.

I think that keeping the list was beneficial to me. It helped me define who I was looking for, and know when I found him. But despite what they believe, teenagers are not omniscient. There are things that Howard has which have been incredibly valuable to me, but weren’t on the list. They weren’t on the list because I was too young to even see that I wanted/needed them. Since today is Howard’s birthday, and therefore a really good day to say nice things about him, I’ve decided to make a new list. It is the list of things that I didn’t know I wanted, but got anyway.

Loyalty. Being married is wonderful, but it is also hard. Spouses will argue, disagreements will be had, there will be stress. During those not-so-good times, it has been invaluable to me to know that no matter what happens, no matter how angry or frustrated Howard may be, he is not going anywhere. Because I can depend on him to be there, I am able to structure my life in ways that would not otherwise be possible. Time and again Howard has dropped all of his things to answer my need.

Ambition. Howard is driven by a need to achieve. This is not always a comfortable attribute. It has as much potential to destroy as to create. But Howard’s ambition has been a godsend for us. Because of his drive, we are now living a life that most people only dream of. Howard’s ambition has awakened some in me as well. We are not done going places.

Creative. I mean this as “creates things.” Howard constantly makes unexpected connections between dissimilar ideas. He does this constantly at both conscious and subconscious levels. This is how the ideas for Schlock Mercenary are born and percolate. Howard is not content to just have the ideas, he must also realize them, make them real. This drive has been a joy in our lives.

Hard worker. All the ambition and creativity in the world will go no where if there is a lack of willingness to do work. Howard works harder and cuts himself less slack than anyone else I have ever met. He can arrive at the end of a day where he got 100 things done and be discouraged because he wanted to accomplish 101 things. (or 110, or 200) Howard knows how to sit down and accomplish the things that need to be done, whether or not he wants to do them. We could not be where we are without this trait.

Need for cleanliness and order. Howard sees the messes that my brain filters out. He prods me and the kids to clean up, and does a fair share of cleaning up himself. This trait of Howard’s has frequently caused friction between us, but I am very grateful he has it. His need for order has forced me to learn how to keep house in ways that I would not otherwise have done. Our house is a much better, cleaner, place because of Howard.

Assertive. When things go awry, Howard knows how to lean on other people to get them fixed. He knows how to make telemarketers go away. He knows how to cut through red tape. He knows how to negotiate favorable deals. I’m not sure this is a part of himself that he likes very much, but it is incredibly valuable. When I met Howard, I didn’t know how to do any of this. I hid from conflicts. I still don’t like conflict, but because of Howard I learned how to handle it.

Silly. When I wrote “fun to be with” on my teenage list, I was picturing sitting and laughing over an interesting conversation. Or perhaps playing games together. I did not know how wonderful it could be to have someone who is unafraid of being silly and who encourages silliness in return. When Howard and I are alone or just with the kids, we do some pretty silly stuff. We do it for the laughs and the joy of being safe in a place where no one will make fun of the silly. Love should have laughing in it. Not just polite laughter, but roll on the floor unable to breathe laughter, and joyful laughter, and appalled laughter because the joke was awful and yet still funny, and giggling, and guffawing, and snickers. Love should play. I’m so lucky that mine does.

Humble. Howard is a very confident person. He has no fear of standing up in front of hundreds of people and talking about almost any subject you care to name. And yet the minute you ask him how he got to be where he is, Howard will start talking about all the gifts and people who made it all possible. Perhaps this attribute should be labeled “grateful” because Howard is completely willing to thank and acknowledge all the people who have helped him become who he is. Howard is also not afraid to step back and apologize when he sees he is in the wrong. These traits have allowed me and hundreds of other people to have a part in the success that is Schlock Mercenary.

Desire to help others. Howard knows that we are all connected. One of his biggest drives to succeed is so that he will be in a position to help others. In all his dealings he tries to set things up so that everybody wins.

This list is very different from the one I penned almost 20 years ago. At fifteen I could not picture wanting any of the above, and perhaps for some people the traits above would not be a good match. For me they are perfect and I’m lucky Howard has them all. I’m particularly lucky that he has them in addition to the “returned missionary,” “handsome,” “kind,” “willing to spend time on me,” things that were on the teenage list.

I married a truly amazing man. He keeps getting more amazing as the years go by. Happy Birthday honey! I love you!