Uncategorized

This morning I was oppressed to the point of tears. My list of things to do for today seemed impossible. Howard and I sat down with the list to do triage. I quickly discovered that the list itself was completely managable. The source of the stress was not the list. The source was the fact that both Howard and Patches have birthdays this weekend and I’d not done a thing to prepare.

A month ago Howard and I discussed his upcoming 40th birthday. Howard expressed an interest in doing something special to commemorate the event. I agreed and we discussed the possibility of having a big party along with other options. Then time passed and I had busy day after busy day. Suddenly that far off birthday was this week, and I hadn’t done a thing to prepare. This is unusual for me. I’m usually plotting and planning weeks ahead of time. Ditto on Patches birthday the day after Howard’s. Birthdays are important. It is important that the birthday person feels loved and appreciated on that day.

Once I realized that the birthdays were the source of most of my stress, I rearranged my task list. I could not relax until the birthday pre-planning was done. So I went shopping. I bought some birthday gifts. I ordered Patches a birthday cake. I made invitations for Patches’ party on Saturday. Patches and I then delivered those invitations. I spoke with Howard’s siblings and finalized the arrangements for all of us to go out to Sushi for Howard’s birthday dinner. I still need to buy party prizes for Patches’ party. I also need to pull together a coherent plan for the events of that party. But now I feel like I’ve actually paid some attention to the coming celebrations. Now I have the shape of them in my head and I’m looking forward to them rather than them just being items on my task list. This is good.

I sat on the warm step next to my neighbor as we watched our boys play together in the cul de sac. For the first time in several months the sun imparted real warmth. It was a joy to be outside. In the back of my mind all the many tasks assigned to this day jumped and clamored for attention. If I spread all those tasks out in an even line, there would not be enough day left to contain them all. I squeezed them all to the back of my brain, out of sight. Quiet, pleasant moments such as this one have been rare lately. I wanted to savor it, to spend a moment being rather than rushing.

I’ve not done much reading lately. I haven’t had time or space in my thoughts. But today I finally picked up the book that I ordered from Anthology Builder months ago. I’m so glad I did. I’m even more glad that I included “Sunday” by Alethea Kontis in the collection. The story was a delightful weave of fairy tales and real human beings. I recommend it to anyone who has the chance to pick it up. The story made me happy.

I watched my backyard neighbors two youngest children tonight. Her baby girl was not pleased to be left, but quieted down when I sat in a rocking chair and snuggled her into my lap. Sitting there with her made me realize that none of my children are truly lap sized anymore, even though I still snuggle them from time to time. I rocked and held her close. She needed me to sit still, to give her full attention and she is not old enough to understand “wait a minute.” I relaxed into the rocking and realized how glad I was to have a reason to just sit still.

Wise men say, only fools rush in,
But I can’t help falling in love with you.

The song was made famous by Elvis Presly in 1961. It was an innocent love song.

Shall I stay? Would it be a sin?
if I can’t help falling in love with you.

Okay. Not completely innocent, but still about true love. But the Elvis version is not the one I heard first. I first heard the song as sung by UB40. They had a very different take on the words. Their music video is full of surveillance cameras, and footage of a woman filmed while unaware. These are scenes from the movie Sliver, which is a thriller based in some very unhealthy relationships.

Take my hand take my whole life too
for I can’t help falling in love with you.

The song takes on an ominous tone when placed in such a setting. At the time I felt that the song was a bit obsessive and that the relationship described was unhealthy. Yet the song appealed to me anyway. A couple of years later I figured out why because I had my first child. She entered my life and I was helpless.

Like a river flows to the sea
so it goes, some things are meant to be

As naturally as breathing I handed over my love and life to the tiny little person who needed me. I would bundle her close and dance around my living room singing.

Take my hand take my whole life too
for I can’t help falling in love with you.

Years passed. The baby grew up, but I still loved her with my whole heart. One by one, three more babies entered my life. And I gave each of them my whole heart as well. It is one of the amazing gifts of parenthood that you can give your whole heart four times over and still have some to spare. In 2002 a new version of the song emerged as my favorite. It was sung by the A Teens for the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch. I love it because it is so cheerful and energetic. The movie is all about family, which is perfect because to me this song is all about family and loving forever no matter what. I still sing it to my kids, only now they dance with me and sing right back.

For I can’t help falling in love with you.

Today is the official day for Kindergarten registration. This is when all the kindergarteners-to-be get to meet the teachers and tour the classrooms while the parents fill out paperwork and stand in line. In prior years kindergarten registration was the big event for the week that contained it. This week it is just one event among many. Sometimes I think longingly of that less busy schedule, but then I remember that I like having a life full of new and interesting things rather than looking forward to registration as the highlight of my week.

Alas, Patches will not be attending the registration with me. He has a nasty cold and is currently in bed asleep. The news that he couldn’t go, had him in tears. But he’ll really be better off not trying to deal with new things while sick. I can take him to see the Kindergarten rooms and teachers on a different day. I’m still going to go. He needs to be registered and the sooner I do it, the more likely it is that Patches will end up with the teacher that I want for him. After Gleek’s less-than-ideal kindergarten experience, I feel strongly that Patches needs a more stable teacher.

The next get-ready-for-kindergarten task will be to get Patches’ last round of immunizations. That will not make him happy at all. It doesn’t make me happy either. I hate having to get my kids immunized. I hate it so much that I’d completely suppressed the knowledge that I was not yet done dealing with this stuff. The good news is that this is the last big round of immunizations for me. After this I only have 12 year old booster shots to deal with and those are easy.

Today is a big picture day. Today I am contemplating the vast sweep of the rest of this year and wondering what we were thinking when we scheduled so much stuff. And yet it all feels important. I was going to list it all out, but then I realized that having it laid out might stress Howard and me more. All the stuff is on the calendar. I can deal with it when I get there. For now I just need to keep doing what I have been doing since January 1st, which is take things one week at a time.

If you were to graph the busy-ness of my weeks, there would be a huge bulge each Monday that tapers off toward the end of the week. This happens because I try to get as much done as fast as I can. I’m trying to get ahead. I hope that I’ll actually be able to do some of next week’s stuff this week, thus removing some of the stress from next week. I want to get stuff done, because stuff that is done no longer clutters up my calendar or my to do list. Instead what usually happens is that I wear out by Thursday afternoon. Then Friday frequently ends up as an avoidance day where I don’t do the things on the list. Weekends have a different rhythm because the kids don’t have school. Then I’m back to Monday, determined to get things done.

This week I have merchandise shipping, Teraport Wars layout, and two birthdays to plan.

Howard and I have been watching the new Doctor Who. I loved season one. Now we’re part way into season two and I am having a hard time enjoying it. All the elements are enjoyable, but they aren’t telling the story I want to see. Season one heavily featured a character arc based on the growing closeness and relationship between the two primary characters. I want to see that continue to grow and develop in the same direction because it made me happy. But the production team is choosing other aspects and stories to tell instead. These other aspects and stories are interesting and worthy, but they aren’t what I hoped for. (Please no spoilers in the comments. We’re only about 4 episodes in to season two.)

I think this is often a problem that interferes with the enjoyment of fiction, although usually not as blatantly as my frustration with Doctor Who. We all have stories that we want to hear. I have a strong desire for people I like to be happy. I like the characters in Doctor Who. I identify strongly with them and so I want them to get to be happy for awhile even if I know it can’t last. But as long as I am holding on to the story I want to see, I can’t see what is actually there.

I suspect this is not just a problem with fiction, but also in life. We sometimes misjudge a person or situation because we’re holding so tightly to what we want to be true that we can’t see what is actually there. I have moments like this with my kids all the time. Moments when I suddenly notice that my child stopped being the baby or toddler that I was still picturing them as being. This is a small example. A larger one would be a mother who continues to argue that her son is a good kid even though he’s doing drugs and committing felonies to support that habit. The mother’s story is a possibility instead of a reality. Her possibility is much more satisfying to her than the reality, and so she wants to cling to it. That’s an extreme example and perhaps not a good choice for comparison. A better comparison would be one where reality is beautiful and good, just in different ways than expected.

Tonight we’ll watch another episode and I’m going to try to put aside the story I wish for so that I can enjoy the story that is there.

My life is overflowing with possible blog topics this evening.

I could write a poignant vignette about the wonderful lunch I had today with my friend Julie of Mental Tesserae.

I could write a rant about how much I dislike being sick, particularly when it steals my voice and saps my energy thus rendering me unable to properly manage my children.

I could write a long winded tale about the emotional crisis feedback loops that become possible when a mother and a teenage daughter, neither of whom feel well, begin to argue about homework. That one could either be a tragedy or a comedy depending upon the spin I give the tale.

I could write a joyful announcement that my work will be featured in Darwin’s Evolutions inaugural issue due out in May. Evolutions looks to be a very respectable online market and they’re currently seeking solid stories for the first issue.

I could muse upon the weight of responsibility that accumulates when people build dreams for their own futures based upon things I have begun but not finished yet.

I could entertain with an anecdote about my children, who surely did something charming today. Patches talking about Abraham Lincoln for instance. (Patches was very excited that Mr. Lincoln freed all the people with brown skin because this means his friend Wally from preschool is not a slave.)

I could ponder further upon experiences that I had at LTUE. There were people I enjoyed talking to that I failed to mention. There were conversations I’d like to have recorded. There were thoughts I’d like to write down so that I do not lose them.

I could review the movies I’ve watched lately while I was trying to make my brain stop thinking about everything else. (Auntie Mame, Mean Girls, Firefly, the new Doctor Who, etc.)

In the end it looks like I chose to list all of these things in the hope that on another day when my brain is not so tired, I can come back and explore some of these topics more fully.

Note to self: When you write a Very Important Email in the morning be sure you actually send it before spending the rest of the day neurotically checking to see if there is a reply.

Yeah. It’s been one of those days. The kind of day where the weight of the stressful things rob the good things of their joy. I am tired.

Tomorrow will be better.