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Howard and I have been watching the new Doctor Who. I loved season one. Now we’re part way into season two and I am having a hard time enjoying it. All the elements are enjoyable, but they aren’t telling the story I want to see. Season one heavily featured a character arc based on the growing closeness and relationship between the two primary characters. I want to see that continue to grow and develop in the same direction because it made me happy. But the production team is choosing other aspects and stories to tell instead. These other aspects and stories are interesting and worthy, but they aren’t what I hoped for. (Please no spoilers in the comments. We’re only about 4 episodes in to season two.)

I think this is often a problem that interferes with the enjoyment of fiction, although usually not as blatantly as my frustration with Doctor Who. We all have stories that we want to hear. I have a strong desire for people I like to be happy. I like the characters in Doctor Who. I identify strongly with them and so I want them to get to be happy for awhile even if I know it can’t last. But as long as I am holding on to the story I want to see, I can’t see what is actually there.

I suspect this is not just a problem with fiction, but also in life. We sometimes misjudge a person or situation because we’re holding so tightly to what we want to be true that we can’t see what is actually there. I have moments like this with my kids all the time. Moments when I suddenly notice that my child stopped being the baby or toddler that I was still picturing them as being. This is a small example. A larger one would be a mother who continues to argue that her son is a good kid even though he’s doing drugs and committing felonies to support that habit. The mother’s story is a possibility instead of a reality. Her possibility is much more satisfying to her than the reality, and so she wants to cling to it. That’s an extreme example and perhaps not a good choice for comparison. A better comparison would be one where reality is beautiful and good, just in different ways than expected.

Tonight we’ll watch another episode and I’m going to try to put aside the story I wish for so that I can enjoy the story that is there.

My life is overflowing with possible blog topics this evening.

I could write a poignant vignette about the wonderful lunch I had today with my friend Julie of Mental Tesserae.

I could write a rant about how much I dislike being sick, particularly when it steals my voice and saps my energy thus rendering me unable to properly manage my children.

I could write a long winded tale about the emotional crisis feedback loops that become possible when a mother and a teenage daughter, neither of whom feel well, begin to argue about homework. That one could either be a tragedy or a comedy depending upon the spin I give the tale.

I could write a joyful announcement that my work will be featured in Darwin’s Evolutions inaugural issue due out in May. Evolutions looks to be a very respectable online market and they’re currently seeking solid stories for the first issue.

I could muse upon the weight of responsibility that accumulates when people build dreams for their own futures based upon things I have begun but not finished yet.

I could entertain with an anecdote about my children, who surely did something charming today. Patches talking about Abraham Lincoln for instance. (Patches was very excited that Mr. Lincoln freed all the people with brown skin because this means his friend Wally from preschool is not a slave.)

I could ponder further upon experiences that I had at LTUE. There were people I enjoyed talking to that I failed to mention. There were conversations I’d like to have recorded. There were thoughts I’d like to write down so that I do not lose them.

I could review the movies I’ve watched lately while I was trying to make my brain stop thinking about everything else. (Auntie Mame, Mean Girls, Firefly, the new Doctor Who, etc.)

In the end it looks like I chose to list all of these things in the hope that on another day when my brain is not so tired, I can come back and explore some of these topics more fully.

Note to self: When you write a Very Important Email in the morning be sure you actually send it before spending the rest of the day neurotically checking to see if there is a reply.

Yeah. It’s been one of those days. The kind of day where the weight of the stressful things rob the good things of their joy. I am tired.

Tomorrow will be better.

Every Monday night we have a scheduled time when we are all together as a family. This is called Family Home Evening and it is something that our church advocates. Prior to this year, we have had one once every other year or so. Starting the first week of January we have done it every single Monday. It has been a good thing for our family. We made up a chart so that the burden of planning for this event is spread out. Each child has a job to do in preparation. The jobs are opening prayer, song, lesson, closing prayer, chart keeper, and activity. Giving them each assignments helps them look forward to the event. They’re also more respectful during it, because they know the work that is involved.

All is not sunshine and roses though. I hardly expect that from an activity that puts all of us into close proximity for any period of time. Sometimes the event is more about Mom and Dad modeling good conflict management than about the topic or activity of the day. This evening for example. Gleek had an upset just prior to start time and declared that she would not come at all. I told her it was family time and that she had to come. Then she declared that she would just put her fingers in her ears the whole time. She didn’t, of course. She was far too interested in hearing what was going on. Kiki did a marvelous job with the lesson and kept everyone’s interest really well. The chaos began with Link’s activity.

Link decided to create a variant of “Doggie Doggie where’s your bone.” This version had a bone carefully constructed out of duplo blocks. The “doggie” then broke the bone into pieces and hid them. The other players then had to walk around in the dark, find all the pieces, re-construct the bone, and then give it to the doggie. Then the players would try to steal the bone back and the doggie had to guess who stole it. We did the “find pieces in the dark” thing exactly once and then I declared that we had to play a more traditional version of the game. All was well for the first couple of rounds, but then the little ones began to take the game far too seriously. Being guessed when you had the bone was cause for tears. Not getting to be the doggie was cause for tears. Not getting to be the bone-stealer was cause for tears. Each bout of tears required the game pause while ruffled feelings were soothed. The biggest catastrophe of all was when Howard played a joke by calling out to the doggie before the stealing was done. That had three kids crying simultaneously because “Daddy ruined the whole game!”

So tonight the family event ended grumpily. Know what? That’s just fine. Family isn’t always about being happy together. Family is about sometimes hurting each other’s feelings and still loving each other. Family is about saying sorry a lot. Family is about being irritated by a person that you would move the whole world to help if it becomes necessary. That kind of love and loyalty is built slowly through lots of shared experiences both good and bad. When I talk with my siblings we reminisce as fondly about the old squabbles as we do about the happy games. I like to think of my grown-up kids looking back at this grumpy evening and laughing with joy that it existed. I’ll pay the price of some grumpy family times to get a future like that.

My brain is too full. This has been a chronic problem for several months now. I spend most of my days moving from task to task without pause. When I do have down time, I want to escape and so I read or watch something. This does let me stop thinking about my things-to-do, but it also crams additional material into my head. I really need a recreational activity that lets me sort my thoughts rather than giving me new thoughts to sort. I hope it warms up soon so that I can get outside and garden. I miss flowers and wet earth.

I was getting ready to go. Kiki had already been briefed about all the resources at her disposal while she babysat the other kids. She’d been told the hours during which I needed the kids not to call because I’d be on panels. All that was left to do was say goodbye to the other kids and remind them to be good for Kiki.

Gleek was sprawled stomach down on the floor with the remains of her valentine’s day haul strewn around her. She had dumped out two little boxes of nerds candy and was sorting them by colors so that there was a pile of white balls and a pile of pink balls. She seemed to pay no attention to my admonitions, but as soon as I turned to go, she cried “Wait Mom!”

I turned back and waited. Gleek continued to sort balls. I shifted on my feet. If I did not leave soon, I would be late. Gleek popped to her feet and held out two tiny handfuls of nerds, one pink and one white.

“These are good lucks.” She said as she tipped the balls into my waiting hand. “There are five white ones and five pink ones. I counted. They will help you with your panels.” Gleek hugged me tight. “You’re my best mom!” Then she let me go.

I walked up stairs, cupping the little handful of candy. I’m not a candy person. Too much sugar gives me headaches. But what I held in my hand was more than just candy. It was also a little handful of love, an expression of support from my little girl. I could not throw it away as if it were mere sugar. I popped them in my mouth and savored the sweetness as I walked out the door.

I think they worked too, because the panels went well.

My mind is buzzing and I’m too worn out to sort through all the thoughts tonight. All the thoughts are floating around and bumping into each other. I have thoughts about conversations I had today; conversations I meant to have, but didn’t; things I said on panels; things I thought up later that I wished I’d said; things other people said on panels; neat ideas for further marketing books; and a general sense of satisfaction with the whole event. I’ll be headed back tomorrow for the afternoon and evening. Perhaps tomorrow morning will provide some time for more coherent bloggishness.