Uncategorized

An hour with Gleek

By / January 12, 2008 / 2 Comments

Today I scooped Gleek into my lap for a snuggle and she stayed in my lap. Usually these random snuggles are met by squirms to get free and run back to what she was doing. Sometimes I get a few minutes of snuggle time before she is off and running again. Today she stayed in my lap for an hour. I’m glad I had the quiet afternoon hour to spend. We talked some about her nightmare last night. She’s been having frequent nightmares lately. I always treat nightmares as red flags. They usually mean that something is unsettling or worrying the child during the day time hours. Sometimes the connection is easy to see, like a nightmare about skeletons after watching Pirates of the Carribean. Other times the imagery of the dream is not diagnostic and I just have to listen to the shape of the dream to see if I can make connections. I love it when I can find the source of the frightening emotions and dispell it.

Today it was not so simple. It took a lot of questions to pull the content of the dream out of Gleek. She had trouble putting it into words. But the fact that she stayed in my lap and continued to remain focused on the conversation demonstrates the level of import these dreams carry for her. In the end I think her dreams are about safety and security. She had to defend herself in the dreams because no one would help her. In classic nightmare form, her efforts to defend herself were insufficient. I think that the answer is more security and affirmation from her family. I need to spend more time snuggling her, talking to her, being there for her. I also need to figure out ways to encourage Kiki to be kinder to Gleek. Kiki constantly treats Gleek like an annoyance which is barely tolerated. I know this is typical behavior for an older sibling to a younger one, but it breaks my heart to see it. Gleek is hurt and Kiki is full of negative emotions and their relationship could be so much better than that. Perhaps I need to make Kiki write lists of nice things about Gleek. That worked before when they were younger.

After the talk about dreams, Gleek wanted to talk about mummies. So we pulled out a book on mummies and read through it. Gleek is like a little sponge soaking up knowledge. I need to read more non-fiction books to her. The talking is good for us both. Even after the book was done, Gleek lingered in my lap. She’d had an hour of mommy all to herself and was loath to have it end. But it could not last forever. Patches and Kiki both arrived simultaneously with requests. The hour was done. Somehow I do not think it a coincidence that Gleek was not fearful at bedtime tonight. I don’t know if I can give her a solo hour out of every day, but I can certainly give her more than I have been doing. She needs the snuggles and attention even if she doesn’t always want to sit still for them.

The Press of Inspiration

By / January 11, 2008 / 10 Comments

I believe in personal revelation, that we can be directed to the best path for our life if we are open to receiving messages. At several major turning points I feel like Howard and I have received instructions about what we should do. The biggest of these was our decision for Howard to leave a product management position at Novell to be a cartoonist. I feel like I receive direction and help with myriad small things as well. The story idea for Gleek, ideas for how to run homework time, and the soft answer in the face of wrath, are all examples.

At times this belief in inspiration is frustrating or even frightening. There are times I feel inspired to do things that I do not want to do, or that I’m afraid to do. We would not have the house we live in if we had listened to our desires to not move instead of the inspiration that we should. I have had almost 10 years to be grateful that we listened to that inspiration. I find this is usually the case, that the results of following inspiration are far better than I could have pictured.

All this is in my mind because I was pressed with inspiration at the turning of the year. It loomed insistently, pressed me to shift the family schedule, pushed me to stop going to writer’s group, and one evening it made me stop blogging in the middle of a sentence and go do something else. I felt hounded and bewildered. All the messages seemed to tell me to stop writing, to put it down. Yet in the past I’ve received strong affirmations about the value of the writing I do. And I did not want to give it up. I had plans. I had dreams. I was going to write things that would make people amazed. I was going to earn respect as a writer. I was going to have things I could hold up as accomplishments.

But the messages came fast and strong. “No success can compensate for failure in the home.” “Your kids need you here.” “Put it down.” “Trust me.” And so piece by piece I did. I stopped attending writers’ group. I stopped pushing to draft a novel. I stopped posting in forums to make sure that people knew my name and face. I cried and wept and gnashed my teeth until I reached a mental place where I could honestly say “Thy will be done.”

And then the storm was over. Now I can see clearly what I could not before. It is not the writing that was the problem, it was the pride and ambition. I wanted measurable success as a writer. I wanted recognition from others. My desire for those things was distorting my writing and my life. For almost a year I’ve planned to write a book for Link, but it has been held up because I wanted to write something that was also good enough for publication. I see now that as I built plans and dreams, the book stopped being for Link and started being something that I wanted. Other projects and plans were similarly pulled off course. It is not the projects themselves that were a problem, but the motivations that were driving them too hard and too fast in the wrong direction.

My situation is different than other writers I know. I already live a lifestyle that allows both Howard and I to be at home. We already pay our bills with creative efforts. Someone who is seeking such a lifestyle needs recognition. They need to be business oriented and focused. They need to be promoting themselves and putting themselves forward. We do many of these things for Howard and Schlock Mercenary. We need these things to bring in money to pay the bills. But now I know that is not my personal path. I am already living a dream that many people long for. It would be foolish of me to jeopardize it because I want more attention for myself. I will still write, but I need to write as inspiration leads me. More importantly, I need to let writing lay idle while I tend to other things.

If I want my life to be truly joyful, then my life can not be about me. A thread that skips over the surface of a weave is very visible, but the threads that give strength to the fabric are the ones that are rarely seen because so many other threads weave around them. My life needs to be about building bonds, and helping others, and being helped, and learning together, and growing together. I want to be pleased with a whole fabric that I helped build, rather than only having my own little thread that I worked hard to make showy and shiny.

Automatic Updates broke my system

By / January 10, 2008 / 17 Comments

I have been using Quickbooks for more than 10 years to track our small business accounting. I’ve never minded upgrading. I’ve been completely happy with the company and the program. But sometime in the past year one of the automatic updates removed my ability to print W-2 forms without subscribing to their payroll service. Last year I could print them. This year I can’t. The payroll service costs over $200 per year. This is reasonable for a company with many employees. It is ridiculously high for our little business with only one employee. Now I am suddenly aware that those automatic updates can break my accounting systems. I can’t figure out how to turn them off. And there is no way to back track and undo the update that removed this vital capability.

So I guess tomorrow will begin with an unpleasant phone call to Quickbooks to complain.

Edit 1/20/08: In the end I just subscribed to the payroll service. I could have messed with doing W-2 forms by hand, but it would have cost me hours. I saved 3 hours on the W-2 forms alone. I’ll also save an hour or two each quarter working with the quarterly reports. I’ll also save 30 minutes each month on paychecks. Add it all up thats 15 hours per year I’ll save. Since my time is worth at least $15 per hour, the payroll service is worth the expense. I’ve also realized the reasons why they require subscriptions. If they included the forms in the software, then people would be using those exact forms for the next 10 years even though tax forms change from year to year.

Why bedtime takes forever

By / January 9, 2008 / 6 Comments

My kids have 5 things to do to get ready for bed. It is a short list and seems like it should be simple to accomplish on a nightly basis. The reality is more complicated than it seems.

Put on Pajamas
Theory: All the kids run put on their pajamas when asked. (3 minutes)
Reality: Kids ignore me when I say “pajama time!” until I get right next to them at high volume. (3-5 minutes) I chase them all upstairs. (1 minute) Then we discover that none of them have pajamas in their drawers. All the clean laundry is it baskets in the laundry room. I tell them all to stay put and gallop down stairs to grab pajamas. (1-3 minutes) I rummage through three separate laundry baskets to find pajamas. (2 minutes) I come back upstairs to discover that the kids are making flying leaps on and off my bed instead of waiting politely in their rooms. I make them stop and hand them pajamas. (1 minute) Then I make them stop again and bodily steer them out of my bedroom one by one. (2 minutes) Then Gleek declares that she doesn’t want the pajamas I grabbed, she wants other ones. I can either go find the other ones (2 minutes) or I can argue with her (5 minutes) I then go make the boys pick up their pajamas from off their bedroom floor and put them on their bodies. (3 minutes) Total time for pajamas: 15- 22 minutes

Pick Up Toys:
Theory: All the kids run and pick up 30 toys each with no complaints. (5 minutes)
Reality: Sometimes I skip this step completely because I don’t want to deal with it. (0 minutes) If I do enforce this one, the kids all run through the house trying to avoid picking up. (2 minutes) When I finally corner them, they protest how it is far too much work and Not Fair. (2 minutes) Then they either pick up toys very slowly as if each limb weighed a hundred pounds (10 minutes) or they create an elaborate game which involves getting out more toys to pick up the toys already on the floor (10 minutes) or they get distracted by the toys and play until reminded that they are supposed to be cleaning up. (10-20 minutes) Another optional behavior is for one child to stop working because someone else isn’t working and that is Not Fair. (5 minutes) total time for toy pick up: 0-29 minutes

Eat Snack:
Theory: All the kids sit politely at the table eating while I read aloud. (15 minutes)
Reality: The kids all bounce around in the kitchen, doing tricks on chairs, talking to each other, and generally ignoring my request that they pick a snack. (2-5 minutes) I pry a preference out of them and fix the snack while they continue to demonstrate brownian motion all over the kitchen. (2 minutes) I put the snacks on the table and at least one child protests that the snack has been done wrong. This leads to either a short argument after which the child eats the snack anyway (2 minutes) or a major tantrum complete with screaming. (10 minutes) The children then eat while I read, but frequently interrupt with random comments or requests for drinks. (5-10 minutes) Total time for snack: 11-32 minutes

Brush Teeth
Theory: All the kids run to the bathroom and brush their teeth. (2 minutes)
Reality: The kids all run to the bathroom, but can find their toothbrushes. (1 minute) I go to the bathroom and find the toothbrushes sitting right on the counter where they belong. (1 minute) Kids squabble over the toothpaste (1 minute) Kids squabble over space around the sink. (1 minute) Kids accidentally spill water all over themselves and the sink and the floor while simultaneously managing to get toothpaste on the ceiling. (1 minute) Kids rub the toothbrushes over their teeth, except Patches who always asks for help. (.5 minute) Total time for brushing teeth: 5.5 minutes

Go To Sleep
Theory: The kids hop into their beds and lay quietly until they fall asleep. (5 minutes)
Reality: Gleek and Patches need me to find their blankets. (1-2 minutes) Patches needs a drink of water (1 minute) Gleek needs to tell me “one more thing” (1 minute) Link objects that he didn’t get enough play time during the day, I counter that he has to go to bed anyway. Link then pouts and refuses to fall asleep (2-4 minutes) Gleek needs to tell me “one more thing” (1 minute) Patches climbs out of bed because he’s still hungry. I send him back. (2 minutes) Gleek needs to tell me “one more thing” I tell her to save all her things for morning. (1 minute) Patches gets out of bed because he’s really really hungry and also he’s scared “I just want to be with you mom.” (1 minute) Link and Gleek both object that it isn’t fair that Patches gets snuggles and they don’t. I stop the objection by sending Patches back to bed. (2 minutes) The kids finally settle a little and roll around in their beds occasionally singing or making space ship noises until they finally fall asleep. (5-20 minutes) Total time for going to sleep: 17-35 minutes

Total theoretical time for all bedtime things: 30 minutes
Total real time for all bedtime things: 38-123 minutes (over two hours.)

On good days I anticipate the needs and the kids cooperate. Those are the days when bedtime takes 30 minutes. Those days are rare. Usually I’m tired from busy day and the kids are over excited and wound up from their busy days. The result is the two hour long bedtime. I always plan a two hour window for bedtime. On really bad days bedtime can stretch to three hours. Those are also rare. I’ve tried abbreviating the bedtime routine, but the kids really depend on the routine for stability in their days.

And now it is past time for me to start putting the kids to bed.

Gym and bedtime

By / January 8, 2008

As part of the new schedule, Howard and I decided to make exercise a priority. We’ve been intending to do that for years, but this time we studied the finances and decided to try joining a gym. It isn’t cheap, but if we get the results we want the money will be well spent. Howard and I have both belonged to gyms before. When Howard worked at Novell, he made regular use of the gym they had on site. I last bought a gym membership right after Patches was born. It was my sanity time to drop the kids into the childcare and have an hour when no one required anything of me. But then Howard quit Novell and money was incredibly tight, so I gave it up. A part of me has missed it ever since.

I walked in today and noticed all the changes the gym had made since I was there last. Some remodeling had been done and machines had been moved around. Things were different, and yet they weren’t. The place was still full of people focused on fitness. Some guys who seemed to drip testosterone. Some women who were toned and perfectly made up for their workouts. Some people who were obviously out of shape, but determined to change that. The gym does feel a little exposed. A couple of times I felt like guys were staring at me and I was suddenly aware that for young singles the gym is a place to meet prospective dates. It made me feel self conscious. Odds are they weren’t even looking at me anyway.

Always before the gym has been a solitary pursuit. It was a place I went to be alone. This time Howard and I are going together. That changes things. It is going to take us awhile to get comfortable with exercising together, but I think it will be good for both of us. We’ll be healthier and have more energy for the other things that we want to do.

I feel like the rest of the new schedule is beginning to settle in as well. It isn’t habit yet, but I’m liking the new patterns I can see beginning to form. Howard spent all day yesterday at home, then in the evening we had a scheduled hour where the focus was on doing something together as a family. It was really good for all of us. Bedtime is working much more smoothly. I’m still sitting in the hallway every night while kids fall asleep. I sit where both Patches and Gleek can see me as they fall asleep. This also positions me to guard against kids getting out of bed or playing in bed. I’m focusing the time on teaching the kids how to lie still long enough to fall asleep. So far so good. They have started falling asleep in their own beds and they’ve even started sleeping there all night long rather than climbing into bed with us. Even better, the nightmares that both Gleek and Patches were complaining about seem to have tapered off. A few more weeks of stability and I think they’ll be back to only happy dreams.

The more I look at the house and family stuff, the more I see that I was letting slide, and the more I am convinced that this shift in priorities/emphasis is the right thing for all of us.

Small Business Accounting

By / January 7, 2008 / 5 Comments

I’d forgotten that the beginning of the new year brings with it a heap of accounting chores. I do the book keeping for our family and two small businesses. Today I tackled the 1099 forms for Blank Label Comics. Tomorrow I’ll do w-2 forms for Tayler Corporation. I’ll also have to file the quarterly 941 form, two sales tax forms, a state withholding form, a federal worker’s comp form, and a state worker’s comp form. The short description of all of that has probably made some eyes glaze over or triggered a pre-tax season mini-panic. I see it all the time when someone comes to me and asks about accounting or health insurance for a small business. I start talking and before I’m done they’ve got piles of new information, only half of which they’ll remember, and a firm belief that it is all very complicated and scary.

It isn’t. Honest.

Have you ever tried to describe to someone, who has never done it before, exactly how to ride a bike? You get bogged down in detailed descriptions of how to pick a bike that is the correct size. How to pick which kind of bike is best for their needs. How to lift one leg over to get on the seat. How to push against the ground to get the bike moving. How to push down on one pedal and let the other foot get pushed up. How to make hundreds of tiny weight shifts to keep the bike in balance. How to rotate the handle bars with your hands to steer the bike. How to squeeze the brakes to make the bike stop Oh and it all works better if you go faster, really.

Like bike riding, small business account sounds complicated and scary when described, but if you just get started it all begins to make sense and in no time you’re on a roll.

Turkey for dinner

By / January 6, 2008 / 2 Comments

Every year as we approach Thanksgiving, Kiki demands to know if we’ll be having turkey this year. Apparently she was permanently emotionally scarred by that one year that we chose to have a ham instead of a turkey. The ham Thanksgiving was 7 years ago now, but still she announces to visitors that we almost never have turkey for Thanksgiving. In the minds of my kids turkey is this amazing food that we almost never get to have. We did have turkey last Thanksgiving, but according to the kids, that didn’t count because we didn’t cook it at our house.

So in an effort to appease my children, and to create space in my freezer, I cooked a turkey dinner today. Since I was going to take the trouble to roast a 12 pound bird, I decided to go all out and do a full Thanksgiving style dinner complete with stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and rolls. It was a lot of work, but the dinner was really yummy. This was my first effort at putting Sunday Dinner back on the schedule. It went well. It was nice to sit all of us down at the table with a table cloth and napkins. Next week we’ll see if we can get napkins onto laps and work on appropriate table conversation. Tonight’s dinner discussion included far too many bodily excretions to be considered polite.

Tomorrow I get to tackle Family Home Evening.

Testing the limits

By / January 5, 2008 / 2 Comments

Gleek was over-the-top today. Every slight frustration was met with an ear-splitting shriek. Every argument was ready to be an all-out fight. And she spent a considerable amount of time being deliberately provoking to various people. I finally had to put my foot down. Link and Patches were playing a whiteboard game. Gleek kept using a finger to erase sections of what they had done. I asked her to stop twice. Then I told her that if she touched the board again, she would have a time out. She took a finger and touched the board in a clear space. It was a very deliberate act of testing the limits. She had done exactly what I told her not to do, but she was finally not damaging her brothers’ game.

Every time Gleek pushes at the limits I set, I have to decide whether or not to push back. Sometimes bending the limit a little results in a compromise that satisfies us both. Other times Gleek justs steps into the space and pushes against the limit again. and again. and again. Today she’d done a lot of the latter. I realized it was time to apply consequences. It is not that this particular limit was important, but the lesson that limits are to be respected is a very important one.

I picked up Gleek and carried her (yelling and writhing) to the kitchen. I sat her on a stool and announced that she had a one minute time out. She instantly hopped off the stool, but did not flee the kitchen. She is expert at just barely defying me so that I might let her get away with it. I put her back on the stool. She hopped back off (still yelling and crying.) I told her I was counting down from 10* and if she wasn’t on the stool when I finished, she had two minutes instead of one. She began to almost hop up onto the stool repeatedly. It was as if she was suddenly incapable of climbing onto the stool by herself. I got all the way to zero. Gleek had earned herself a second minute. I started counting down again. She tried her best to make me believe that she couldn’t get onto the stool. She earned a third minute that way before she actually got onto the stool. Then she turned all soft and small wanting nothing more than hugs from mom. I told her that hugs had to wait until the time out was over. Whereupon she filled the kitchen with top volume wailing.

Once the time out was over, I picked up Gleek. She clung to me with all her might. I sat with her on the couch and snuggled her close. With Gleek more than any of my other kids, I see how much children need and want their parents to set limits. She depends upon me to curb her behaviors when her impulses carry her away. I struggle to find ways to help her learn how to curb them herself. That’s why I wrote a story for her last year. I pulled it out again tonight and read it to her. She snuggled close and listened with rapt attention as I read how Amy gets carried away by her ideas and then learns to control them.
“Amy is like me mom.” Gleek said quietly halfway through. “I’m always in trouble too.”
I hugged her tighter, glad that she now has this story as a doorway to let us talk about these things. I’m even gladder that this book will finally get printed in the next few months. It’ll be nice to have a book to read to her rather than just loose pages. Hopefully the story will help her as she tries to curb her impulses that run wild.

*I always count down instead of up. If I start at one, the kids may not be sure if I’m headed for three, five, or ten. If I start from 10 and go down, they know exactly how much time is left.

Here and Now

By / January 4, 2008 / 1 Comment

Earlier this evening I was sitting here at my computer writing a bog entry. It was a whiny entry lamenting my inability to fit every single thing I want to do into every single day. Mid-sentence I was stopped abruptly by a strong wash of feeling. I needed to stop blogging and go downstairs to be with my kids. I did. It was not a major event. No disaster was averted, but I spent an hour sharing in an activity that they enjoy. I was there for them, completely present in the moment. Usually my brain is miles or days away thinking about other things.

I need to do more of this. I need to be centering myself here and now. I need to look around me, at the blessings I have, rather than constantly fretting over future possibilities. Happiness does not lie in the future. If I can not find happiness in my current circumstances (whatever they may be) then true happiness may forever elude me.

My life is full of wonderful things. Most of them are the same things that I intended to whine about in the earlier blog post. I need to step away from my computer and really see them rather than trying to see past them to something else.

Schedule shifting

By / January 3, 2008 / 4 Comments

I’m on day 3 of a new year. There are things I’m trying to do different, better. Last year was full of business, and schlock books, and writing. It had very little household or financial management. We weren’t complete spendthrifts, but our financial situation this January is not as good as it was last January. I spent a lot of energy last year trying to help bring in more money. But that left no one paying attention to making the money we have last longer. We’re not in financial trouble, but next year I want to look back and see our debt measurably reduced. I want to look at our house and see repairs rather than damages. I want to look at the kids and know that I’ve really done right by them.

It is daunting how many things I must help my children learn. Piles of stuff is covered in school. But I undermine that if I’m too distracted or stressed to make the kids do their homework. And what of all the things that are not covered in school? Simple hygiene for instance. Somehow my kids have not managed to learn how to flush toilets with any regularity. When they do flush, they often clog the toilet with enormous wads of toilet paper. And then there other things like bathing regularly, brushing teeth, changing underwear, picking up toys, washing hands, clearing food from the table, wiping up what you spilled. My kids consider all of these things as optional. Someone has to explain to them why these things are important. Someone has to be paying enough attention to require them to come back and do it right. Someone has to sit with them at dinner and teach by example how to hold a polite dinner conversation. Someone has to fix regular meals and require them to eat so that they have a clue what healthy eating habits look like. Someone has to make them go to bed even though they don’t want to.

Howard and I both feel like we need to be more focused on these things. We also need to be more focused on taking care of our own health. We’ve done lots of pondering and talking to figure out how to restructure our days to make it work. Howard is shifting around his work schedule to make space for designated family times. I am too. We have a plan and we think it will work. Only time will tell.

Unfortunately in this schedule shifting I have to curtail my attendance at writer’s group. I might be able to make an occasional meeting, but I can’t go weekly anymore. This makes me very sad, but it doesn’t change my decision because I believe the decision is the right one. Fortunately the group seems willing to let me be an absentee member and give responses by email. This is in no way the same. I’ll miss out on all the laughter and off-topic conversations. I’ll miss out on the camaraderie. I’ll miss hearing the stories about how everyone’s lives are going. I’ll miss the way that one idea sparks a different one as part of a lively discussion. But at least I’ll still get to read the submissions and maybe come summertime I’ll be able to shift the schedule in a way that makes room for me to go more often. Maybe by then I’ll have all this other stuff under better control.

I’ve already gotten started on the new focus. I sat down yesterday and made a meal plan for the entire month. This increases the likelyhood of me cooking dinner by 90% or so. Without a plan I spend an hour staring at the cupboards hoping that inspiration will strike and then deciding that maybe cereal is an acceptable dinner food after all. The meal plan also lets me shop ahead for the groceries we’ll need. In theory this lets me buy when things are on sale so we spend less. It also means I’m buying more ingredients rather than convenience foods, which is also cheaper. Next month I’ll just use the same meal plan with only a few tweaks representing the success or failure of attempted meals. It’s a start anyway.