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When I was a child I had a hamster for a pet. It was a somewhat frustrating experience for both of us. You see I wanted the Hamster to play when it wanted to be asleep and vice versa. We usually had some overlap in the evenings though. That was when I would watch in fascination as the critter would scurry around the cage on hamsterly errands. I loved it when my hamster would run on the wheel. I never tired of watching those tiny legs move so fast that they were a blur. The hamster ran and ran, trying to climb up the side of a constantly rotating wheel, but the hamster never really went anywhere.

My thoughts have been like a hamster lately. Right around bedtime they start to run overtime. I find myself spinning scenarios and replaying events. Songs linger in my head repetitively. I re-hash the day just gone. I make plans for the next day’s activity. Mostly the thoughts just run and run and run without really going anywhere.

I’m not sorry for the brain hamster. It is happening this week because I am totally and happily absorbed in the Teraport Wars layout project. I’m very pleased at how quickly and smoothly the work is going. By the end of the day I am physically and mentally exhausted, but I can’t wait to get up and do some more. When I reach the point where I physically have to rest, then my enthusiasm turns into a brain hamster who runs and runs and runs.

Did I mention that sometimes my childhood pet kept me awake at night? Yeah, hamsters are like that. Brain hamsters too. My best defense is to find a nice no-stress train of thought and let the hamster run on that. So I’ve been planning an amazing costume that I’m going to sew. I’ve always wanted a beautiful costume dress, so now in my moments of down time I’m beginning to leisurely collect the supplies for it. I acquired a pattern today. In fact I acquired 7 patterns today because the fabric store was selling them for $.99 each. Since a single full-price pattern costs $15, I figure I came out ahead.

Lack of leisure was one of the things in my life that was broken. Leisure time is not the same as “down time.” For me down time implies that I have no energy to do anything. I want to zone out. Leisure time is when I use my energy on something simply because I want to do it. I’d stopped allowing that and now I’m giving it back to myself. Since last Thursday, every day has had some leisure time in it. I’ve surprised myself by discovering that many of my leisure choices are actually task list items, but they are things that I never get around to doing because the priority is low. Yesterday I mowed the lawn with my leisure time because I wanted it done and I felt like doing it. I’ve reclaimed writing as a leisure activity rather than an assignment. I’m glad to have writing back as a joy rather than a stress. Most importantly, leisure activities have no deadlines. I might finish this costume before Christmas, or it might be in two years. I might finish a story this month or maybe it will take three. Either way is fine because I’ll only work on it when I choose. It is more important to get it right than to get it done. (This is unlike other areas of my life where both “done” and “right” matter enormously.)

The brain hamster also often runs upon Christmas thoughts. Fortunately I now have plenty of budget for this. The auctions did well and then Howard’s sister contributed a large donation despite our protests. But I think I may declare Thanksgiving weekend a “no work” zone and sew some things for Christmas. Just because I want to. Or maybe I won’t. We’ll see.

The layout is going well. I have only four more Chapters to lay in. This is good because next comes all the bonus art which I have to select and photoshop and lay in. Then there are the copy edits and the bonus story that have to go in. Interspersed with that stuff is all of the mailing preparation that I need to do. But I have enough time. I just need to work steadily (4-6 hours each week day) and it will all be fine. And I will have some time to do things that I don’t need to do, but just want to do.

Now if my hamsters will just let me fall asleep quickly. Fortunately brain hamsters are amenable to rituals of appeasement such as taking a bath or reading a book.

Happiness is coming home from writer’s group after a fun conversation to discover that Howard got home first and did the dishes. The kids are all abed except Kiki, who had to stay up because she was babysitting. Now I have a fun hour to talk with Howard who is also cheerful because he had a productive day too.

I am fond of the phrase “Getting your ducks in a row.” It is something of a violent metaphor, because the implication is that you want the ducks lined up so that you can pull out a gun and shoot them all at once. It must reference shooting galleries, because no one who has been around real ducks would even try to make them line up for anything. I had two pet ducks during childhood, so I know this from sad experience. They were far more interested in quacking and eating bugs, than in participating as performers in a back yard circus.

The metaphor extols the virtues of advance preparation. There are some things in life for which advance preparation works really well. Shipping out Schlock books is one. I spend hours preparing so that we can mail 1500 books in two days. There are other times where “lining up the ducks” doesn’t work because the “ducks” keep moving. Putting kids to bed is like that. I can prepare snack and lay out pajamas and turn down the covers, but when I call the kids to come they have other ideas. While I tuck in one, another has wandered (or sneaked) out of bed to go play with toys, or for a drink, or to get a bandaid for an invisible wound.

The whole month of October was like trying to herd a pack of hyperactive ducks, some of which had the ability to teleport. I ran myself ragged trying to get those ducks to all stand in a line. It was futile. What I did not realize is that I should have been dispatching ducks as I caught them. A task that is completely done will not come unraveled while my back is turned for a moment. And some tasks, once done, change the shape of everything that comes after them. Rather like shooting the first duck in line and realizing that all the rest of the ducks were the wrong ones, so you must start over with the herding.

I was trying to impose organization. I wanted to see what all the next steps would be. I was going crazy trying to picture all the millions of possibilities down all the branching lines of the possibility tree. I need to not do that. I need to take care of the “duck” that is in front of me now and worry about catching the others later. I need to trust that I will be given the resources I need to manage each task as it comes to me. A little planning is wise. Obsessive fretting accomplishes nothing.

Fortunately November is not plagued by a hundred little ducks. It has only two giant ducks. It is still going to take a concerted effort to take these ducks down, but at least I’m not going to lose them.

My goal for today was to relax and enjoy my life. I put away my “To do” list and did whatever I felt like doing. I did do some of the things that were on the list, but only because I felt like it.

I raked leaves so the kids could jump in them. I went to a fabric store and looked at costume dress patterns. I took the kids to Walmart to buy new leaf rakes. (ours had attacked trees so often that they had no prongs left.) I watched a DVD. I answered some email. I shipped a couple of orders. I made pancakes for dinner. And now I am blogging. I am calmer, happier, and more relaxed today than I have been for a very long time.

Yesterday a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. A Fed Ex package arrived from China with the five advance copies of Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness. I held the book in my hand and for the first time I had tangible evidence that we were going to be able to meet our obligation to thousands of people who have given us money. The books are beautiful. I could finally see for sure that they layout help I provided did not manage to ruin the book. This increases my confidence that I’ll be able to correctly lay out the next book. The rest of the books are already on their way here. We’re supposed to have them in hand by the end of this month. I feel so much better.

There is a difference between failing at something and being a failure. Many times in my life I’ve set a goal and not quite achieved it or missed it completely. Those things don’t make me feel like a failure. It is the accumulation of little misses that make me feel like I am myself a failure. Individually each of these things are so small, but they combine to overwhelm my generally positive outlook on myself. No one else will deride me for not accomplishing these little things, but these things are so small, so easy, that I feel stupid for not getting them done. If I can’t do the simple things, I begin to question my ability to accomplish bigger things. It is a backward way of thinking. I know this. I also know that the reason the little things don’t get done is because I do the big things first. But still I am constantly running into little things that I haven’t gotten done. It is hard for me to fight against that barrage of small negative messages.

The stupid little things which combine to make me feel like a failure: (Note: I am fully aware that the logic in most of these things is faulty. I am hoping by listing them out I will be able to see the faulty logic and stop being tripped by it.)

Anytime a person in my family has to rummage in the laundry room for clean clothes, I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve either failed to put clothes away or I’ve failed to make the kids put their clothes away, or I’ve failed to properly teach the kids to put clothes away without me having to remind them to do it.

Any time I come upstairs in the afternoon and realize that breakfast dishes are still on the table, I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve either failed to clean up or failed to teach kids to clean up after themselves.

Any time there are dishes on the counters or in the sink, I’ve failed for the same reasons as breakfast still on the table.

Any time I notice the lawn unmowed. (four weeks and counting.)

Any time I notice the weeds in my yard, or the unraked leaves.

Any time I notice the dirt and grunge which accumulates on the walls and banisters.

Any time my kids rooms get messy, because I should have taught them to clean up after themselves.

Any time any room gets cluttered, ditto.

Any time I realize that I’ve had an email sitting in my inbox for more than 24 hours without answering it.

Any time I have to yell to get the kids to do stuff.

Any time I don’t require homework or reading time.

Any time the kids are late to school.

This is not the end of the list, but I think you get the idea. Some people are pre-disposed to deny their responsibility for things gone wrong. I’m pre-disposed to assume that it is all my fault. Fortunately I am (usually) able to set aside my feelings and behave rationally. Fortunately I’m (usually) able to look at all of these things as household problems which I can help correct, but am not solely responsible for. But on the days I am tired, or discouraged, all these things overwhelm me and I feel like I’m failing at everything.

That is when Howard comes and gives me a hug and reminds me that the truly important things are getting done. He makes me feel better and I just go on doing the best I can with the time and energy that I have available.