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I haven’t been writing in here for the past few days. I’m not sure exactly why. I keep mentally composing entries, but none of them feel finished. All these partially composed entries sit in my brain cluttering up my thinking space and making it hard for me to concentrate on any of them. I’ve decided to solve this problem by throwing them all into one entry in a sort of mental clearing out.

Shall We Dance? is a movie I saw several weeks back. I’ve been meaning to write about how much I enjoyed it. There are lots of movies about “coming together” and lots of movies about “falling apart” but not very many about “staying together while growing as individuals.” I liked it alot.

Friday night I played hooky. I put the kids into bed (well, half of them) then left them in Howard’s care while I jumped into the car and drove to see X-men 3. I enjoyed the movie, but it felt too big. I think the reason it did was because none of the characters with the most screen time really had a character arc. The result was a movie full of static characters, big explosions, and too many subplots. I don’t connect with a movie unless there is a character who grows and changes. I wish they’d spent more time on the characters who did have arcs. When the movie was over I realized that it was midnight on a dark, stormy night and I needed to walk solo to my car. Provo is pretty safe and I’d deliberately parked in a well lit area, so I wasn’t scared, not really. But I still made sure that I paced a crowd of people leaving the theater and I was very aware of my surroundings as I walked to the van. The perils of being a small female were very apparent to me during that walk. Were I to be attacked my only real safety would be in summoning help.

I had to process a big batch of lost-in-the-mail and damaged books this weekend. I don’t like to have to do those because it means that something somewhere went wrong. Unfortunately odds are good that at least some of the errors were on our end. I did lots of manual manipulation of address lists and that creates lots of places for human error to creep in. Hopefully this will be the last batch and everyone who ordered a book will have recieved their schlocky goodness.

Now that the rush of pre-orders is over and regular ordering has settled down, I finally took the time to do a detailed financial analysis. We have enough money in hand to get us into October. By that time we need to be ready to take pre-orders on book 2. It makes me nervous not to have more pad than that. I’d like us to have money to take us through December so that if there are production delays we don’t have to panic or borrow money to live. So I’ll be redoubling my efforts to help our family live lean. I’m also going to start doing ebay auctions again. Auctions won’t make up all the difference, but every little bit helps.

Church today wasn’t very pleasant. Howard and I have been lax in appropriate behavior enforcement lately and the result is cranky and frustrating. The most frustrating part is that I want my kids to be able to love church the way that I love it. I know that sometimes the meetings are long and boring, but we all put up with those because equally as often the meetings are uplifting and inspiring. Being at church is a thing that we are supposed to be doing and I believe strongly that we are blessed as a family for going as a family. Mostly the kids don’t mind going, but today several of them wanted to be doing other things. I need to figure out ways to share my love of church with the kids so that they can build their own love of church and of the gospel and their own faith. It is possible that one or more of my kids will not love church the way that I do, that they’ll stop going once they’re old enough to be free of my dictates. That would hurt alot because I would fear that they were missing a great strength in their lives. If that ever does happen I don’t want it to be because I failed to try to share the wonder and joy that I feel because of my faith and church attendance.

Life was crazy in May. Life was supposed to settle down in June. I forgot that the first few days of June were the last few days of school. I also forgot that the Tayler family reunion was happening during the first week of June. And I neglected to think that during the Tayler family reunion, I’d be caring for three of my brother’s children thus upping my child count to 7 rather than 4. Oh and during all of this I’ve been inventing the methodology for shipping schlock books on a daily basis.

I’m pretty sure that “calm” and “routine” are out there somewhere, but I haven’t gotten anywhere near them yet.

I didn’t really put it all together until this afternoon when I found myself sitting on my front steps in the heat of the afternoon. I’d reached the point where I didn’t want to be near any of the children. I had to be close enough to hear screaming catastrophe, but I wanted to be able to ignore minor squabbling for awhile. I love family. I love my kids. I love my brother’s kids. But there has been a huge shortage of solitude over the past week.

The Tayler clan has dispersed. Tomorrow my brother retrieves his children. Part of me hopes that then I’ll have a chance to establish a stable routine where I can do all the good mommy things I’ve only been intending to do thus far this summer. Maybe then I’ll have a chance to get the laundry and the house back under control. But most of me really expects that something else will come up. Three weeks makes a habit and I’ve been moving from major event to major event for nigh 6 weeks now. The emptiness of next week’s calendar must surely be some sort of mirage.

I spent this evening at the park practicing counting to 7. One, Two, Three, Four, (my kids) Five, Six, Seven (my brother’s kids whom I’m watching for the next 3 days.) The counting was made additionally interesting by the fact that the seven kids in my care were mixed in with 14 children from Howard’s extended family who also happen to be in town for a visit. The little playground was full of children and I knew most of them by name. That didn’t change the fact that I had to keep counting to make sure that one hadn’t gone missing. Sometimes I varied the counting by clustering One, Two, Three large boys, Kiki, and One, Two, Three little ones. Seven again. No matter how I broke up the counting Seven is still a lot of kids to keep track of and feed and put to bed.

Having that many kids in the house forces some changes in how I run our household. Since food must be pre-planned and mass produced I don’t have a whole lot of patience with special orders or finicky eating. I handed out plastic cups, wrote names on them, and informed the kids that they were to re-use their cups so that I wasn’t washing every glass in the house hourly. They out number me greatly and so I have to make them work or we’ll spend all of every day knee deep in stuff. With that many bodies running around, the living spaces have to be clear.

Most of these changes are just amplifications of things I already try to do. I actually like the fact that the kids have to co-operate and work to make family a good place to be. Large families can’t afford prima donnas for very long. Everyone has to pull together or the family crashes and burns. When a large family crashes and burns the shrapnel goes everywhere. I’ve witnessed that before and it was truly painful to watch. Small families have to pull together too, but the internal dynamic is different.

So this week I get to pretend I have a truly large family. Next week I’ll be really glad to go back to just my own medium largish family.

The summer schedule seems to be working so far, although the day has seemed really long and the accounting took forever to get done. The success of potty training has been less measurable. Patches sat on the potty 3 times and peed his pants twice. Ive decided to take this slowly. I’m less focused and less patient in the afternoons, so we’ve put him back in pull-ups with the understanding that we’ll try underpants again tomorrow. Mostly Patches needs to build his sensory awareness. He pays no attention to his body’s elimination signals. Hopefully we’ll gradually build that awareness because he’s got most of the other skills he needs. Patches was relieved to put the pull-ups back on. I don’t think I’ll have to battle to put underpants back on tomorrow. I hope not. I don’t want potty training to become a battleground.

I walked downstairs to find the source of the giggling. Since I was in a house with 12 children under 12 it wasn’t too hard to guess that some sort of romp was going on. In this case the romp was centered around a foam-filled bean bag chair. Patches and his cousin had discovered that if they sat on one side and Howard flopped on the other side, then two little boys would fly into the air giggling. Just as I arrived downstairs the game changed shape. There were a four little girls ages 3-5 who didn’t want to be left out of the fun. Unfortunately this population increase left no room on the bean bag for Howard to flop without squashing a small someone. When Uncle Howard failed to flop, one little girl decided to make him. She began shoving his legs. Howard responded by grabbing her and tossing her onto the bean bag. Instantly Howard was mobbed by a swarm of 6 munchkins all grabbing his legs and awaiting their turn to be thrown. I wish I’d had a camera because it really was like something out of Gulliver’s Travels. Howard was trapped, because for every child he tossed at least two more were hanging onto his legs. Howard continued to throw lilliputians for a good ten minutes before he got too tired. I then waded in to help throw them twice as fast thus opening a pathway to escape. Howard collapsed into a chair and before the horde could descend upon him I distracted them by crying out “Hey look! There’s a sandbox outside!” They all stampeded for the door and left the tired grown ups in peace for awhile.

Today was a day for varied small realizations:

I’ve been attributing the personal renaissance that I’ve experienced during the last two years to beginning this livejournal. The livejournal has definitely played a role, but it suddenly seems blindingly obvious that having Howard at home plays a much bigger part. Howard finally has time and brainspace to relax into the role of “daddy” and I finally have time and brainspace to be something besides “mommy.” It makes me so glad.

My gladness leads directly to my next realization. Howard and I and our whole family are incredibly blessed. We’re getting to live a dream that remains out of reach for so many people. When life and God give me so much, I need to be doing more to give back. I need to be doing more to make sure that this world is a better place for my having passed through.

The “life as a road” metphor leads me to my third stop on this train of thought. I’ve been reading Life is a Road the Soul is a Motorcycle by Daniel Meyer. I’m not a motorcycle rider, I’ve never even been on one. Prior to reading this book my thoughts on motorcycles were pretty much confined to the average life expectancy of a teen on a rocket bike or pondering the seeming stupidity of riding at 60 mph on a freeway while wearing shorts and no helmet. Meyer has given me a whole different view. I can now see that for him riding a bike connects him with the universe and with himself. I find that same connection while gardening or hiking or writing. That drive to live rather than just exist is powerful and Meyer expresses it well if differently than I do. The book is well written and entertaining, probably even more so to someone who already is a rider. Check it out on his website: http://www.lifeisaroad.com/

These realizations are brought to you courtesy of us having lots of family in town. I don’t know what it is about family, but conversations with them are so comfortable that they shake loose tightly held preconceptions. Also there is something delightful about having a dozen kids running around playing when they all share resemblances. Cousins are a wonderful thing. I’m glad my kids have lots of them. At one point the daughter of Howard’s brother climbed into my lap and started a conversation with me. I looked down into her big blue eyes and realized that although have zero blood relation to this child, she is MY neice. Considering that I have 6 siblings and Howard has 3 and all of us are Mormon and therefore believers in large families, I should have known that becoming an aunt was inevitable. In fact, I’ve been an aunt for longer than I’ve been a mother. Strange that aunthood didn’t feel real until today with that small little person who plonked into my lap without warning. She and I hadn’t really exchanged any words before, but there she was smiling and talking and snuggling, trusting me to be kind and good. I have the chance to be an aunt, to be a good influence in her life. The relationship I build with her matters because although she is barely 4, she is already forming ideas about how extended family works. I want her to know that no matter what happens she has a larger saftey net she can fall back on. I’ve always known that my uncles and aunts would jump to help me if I ever needed it. Now it is my turn to be the safety net for the next generation. How strange and unexpected this “growing up” thing turns out to be.

Monday brings the beginning of our summer schedule. Monday brings the first day of swim lessons. Monday also brings the beginning of potty-training-in-earnest. I’ve been inching Patches toward trained, but now is the time to nudge. I’m not sure whether this nudge will end with him back in pull-ups or not, but either way it is an important step to take so that he can learn skills. I’m not really looking forward to puddles on carpet, but they are an inevitable part of the process. I’m also not sure how Patches will respond to this nudge. Several weeks ago he requested to wear underpants, but after 3 puddles he didn’t complain when I put the pull-ups back on. I’ve already talked to him today about wearing underpants on Monday. He seems to like the idea. Hopefully it will be a positive experience for everyone.

In other news, I’ve abandoned my search for a cheap used bunkbed. I found a new one on ebay. With cost and shipping and buying an additional mattress I’m going to be out $250, but with the sales from Howard’s book going so well I’m not panicked about spending money. The one I ordered is a dark cherry color which matches none of the furniture in the boy’s room, but I declined to pay an additional $50 for the same frame in a lighter color. I’m guessing that they’re trying to clear out the darker color because it isn’t as fashionable.

I showed Link and Patches the picture of the bunkbed. Patches’ eyes lit up. He really likes the idea of having a big bed. Link wasn’t so enthusiastic. He informed me that he’d much prefer a bunkbed with an attached slide. When I informed him that we have a perfectly good slide outdoors and that beds are for sleeping, he conceded that this bunkbed would be just fine.

It makes me a little sad that Patches will soon be out of diapers and out of his toddler bed. He’s growing up. I just don’t have a baby anymore. It makes me wistful sometimes, but right now I’m very glad not to be burdened with the 24/7 care of an infant. There are so many other things for me to be doing.

Our new neighbors moved in today. They have two little boys exactly the ages of Gleek and Patches. For a long time I worried because we had no children the right ages close by, now they each have 2 or 3 to choose from. This is incredibly important for Gleek who wants companionship all the time. Now she can flit to the next friend when she’s worn one out.

…and I’ve run out of coherent thoughts. Time for bed.

Today’s space on the calendar was blank. After weeks of calendar days filled with tiny multicolored writing it was so refreshing to have the full stretch of an empty day. I used the day to stay at home, take some naps, wash some laundry, and clear away clutter. The pace was so relaxed it felt luxurious.

Today was also the first day of regular ordering for the Schlock book. I had my first chance to create a system for fulfilling orders. I think I’ve got it pretty much squared away. I’ve even set up a special mailing station in the storage room with all my supplies close to hand. For now it looks like the mailing might take a couple of hours each day. I expect that will taper off to an hour or less as the first rush is over and as I perfect my mailing system. Right now the biggest delay is the annoying strapping tape dispenser. What I really want is essentially a desktop scotch tape dispenser only for strapping tape. Our local Staples doesn’t have it. I’ll have to do some online searching.

It feels really good to not be so stressed.