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The morning after the first solid freeze is when trees dump all their leaves at once.

Yesterday all these leaves were still attached to branches. The tree didn’t even bother to change them to pretty colors first. Green or not, they got dumped. It’s as if the tree just decided to give up on leaves.

I can feel sympathy for that today. Sometimes the effort just seems like too much and I just want to let it all go while I hibernate for awhile.

One thing after another happened all day long. None of them were unexpected things, they were just all thinky, important, and urgent. So I did not get many spaces. Instead I:

Managed school departures and arrivals for four kids.

Put together and ordered our annual Schlock thank you postcard.

Began work on the 2013 Schlock calendar, because this year we want to customize the calendar pages rather than just dropping in some pre-made calendar pages.

Did the accounting.

Met with Kiki’s art teacher to talk about Kiki and what she can do to get some scholarships.

Helped Patch assemble a display for his science fair project.

Listened to Gleek’s newly-learned, short, repetitive song about manatees about a bajillion times.

Gave Kiki the tools and materials to matte her art for an art show.

Made dinner, while simultaneously running homework time and cooking a double batch of cookies all on a deadline because we needed to get out the door for cub scout pack meeting.

Attended pack meeting.

Came home to finish cooking the cookies and realized that all the cookies are ruined because in the chaos I did not add baking soda or salt. Threw away all the cookies.

Now I am tired and feel discouraged because I made that lovely list only two days ago about how I was going to make good use of my time, but right now all I want to do is shut off my brain and stop thinking about today.

The calendar square for today is empty–no appointments, activities, or places to be. So it would seem that I could have a quiet day of writing and working. That was what I’d planned for today when contemplating the day from a week’s distance. I knew last night that my plans for today were going to require revision. The day was filled to overflowing with the sorts of emotional events which do not get written on the calendar. Many of them slopped over into today as a result of yesterday’s deluge. None of it is tragic or long-term, just the various emotional dramas that attend the process of growing up. But now I’m looking at all the other blank days on my calendar and thinking how grateful I am that they are blank, because I’m certain they won’t actually be empty.

There are at least seven different places I could start to tell a story of today. A story, not the story. This day doesn’t have a single narrative, no big event which over rides all else and becomes the focus for all the events around it. Instead I’m left with pieces of stories: The science project in process sitting in mason jars on my counter. The lost homework paper which was the cause of much drama and stomping. The forgotten appointment that I hurried to arrive late for. The pounding of my feet on a treadmill while I listened to Disney’s ultimate swashbuckling album and pondered how pirate songs were not usual gym fare. The script I read for Howard before he headed out to draw on it. The plethora of emails both business and personal along with notifications from various colleges who are trying to make me believe that they’re enthralled with the wondrous capabilities of my daughter when they’re really hoping to get some of my money. The nap I didn’t take. The dinner which is sitting in a casserole dish on the stove “cooling” while I find the emotional energy to call everyone to the table. Then there are the fragments of stories yet ahead of me: homework time, dinner, bedtime.

I would dearly love to draw all of it together, make a coherent whole. I like it when stories have themes and deeper meanings than is implied by the basic scenes. Instead I must accept that today taken by itself does not carry a full story. All of these things are threads of much larger stories which will play out over the next months and years. Some days have stories, others just have pieces of stories. So it goes.

Reminders I needed today:

Running is better than crying (exercise is the mood balancer)

Shut up and write the words (on writerly kvetching courtesy of Shanna Germain.)

My job is to love people, not fix them.

Words have value even if they only change the one who writes them.

Reminders I didn’t necessarily need today, but which are good to remember and list here for a day when I do need them:

Patterns matter more than incidents.

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is deciding to act despite the fear.

Education is not a race with limited prizes at the end.

Fall down seven times. Stand up eight. (courtesy of Janci Patterson)

Your physical spaces should reflect your priorities.

Emotions are not a problem to be solved. They are a powerful indicator that there is a problem to be addressed.

Some goals can not be reached without a leap of faith.

Find the places that fill your soul and visit them often.

I do not like having a head cold. I do not like it Sam I Am. That statement would be a lot more clever if I’d made it rhyme. Of course rhyming verse construction appears to be one of the functions shut down by having a head cold. Also shut down: prioritization, energy, and will to go do things. I not even feeling all that miserable. I keep doing mental assessments of my physical state and thinking that I should just shake it off and get stuff done. I did accomplish the important meeting of the day, take Link to check for strep (negative), and pick up all the kids from school on schedule. But right now I’m staring down the barrel of dinner, homework time, and Family Home Evening. All I want to do is crawl into bed and watch movies until time to sleep.

Tomorrow will be better. I know this. I’m not even intending to complain really. I just suspect that it will be nice to have recorded that some days are full of sloth and fatigue rather than organization and competence.

Last week was moody, hard to get anything done moody. About all I managed to accomplish were the bare minimum parenting and house tasks. Oh, and I started going to the gym again. Then on Friday, things felt better, as if a cloud had passed over the sun and moved on. Saturday brought a professional event when Howard and I accompanied Brandon and Emily Sanderson to the League of Utah Writers Round Up in Park City. I’ll admit that I felt apprehension about going. Some wisps of worry clung from the week prior making me think that my departure would result in some unspecified disaster at home. The feeling also came as a foreshadowing of the larger worries I have about leaving my family for a week. Yet I put on my professional clothes and went anyway.

Everything was fine. Even the hard bits were fine. Gleek and Patch had a major argument and resolved it for themselves. When I arrived home all was happy. Of course the next two hours involved conflict piled on conflict featuring Gleek, who picked that evening to push on the limits and then repent of all wrong doing she has ever committed. Yet despite how exhausting those two hours were, they cleared up some significant emotional turf for Gleek. Hard does not always mean bad. So I am both reassured and I continue to be concerned.

The sun continues to shine today. I feel normal. This is evidence that last weeks moods were primarily driven by thyroid imbalance. I hope to spend this week in calm preparation for my upcoming absence.

The LUW Round Up probably ought to get its own entry. It is a smaller event and more literary focused than most of the events we attend. I liked being at an event where genre fiction was not the primary focus. They had classes on Creative Non Fiction and Poetry. I was able to attend portions of those classes. But my favorite part was getting to present. It reminded me (again) how much I love teaching and presenting. I need to be doing more of it.

I carry a sonic mood alteration device in my pocket and I forget to use it. The device is my phone and it is fully capable of playing music. Or it is now that I’ve actually taken the trouble to put music onto it. I’ve always been very passive about music. I listened to the radio, or the mix tapes my friends made, or whatever was played by the DJ at the dance. I had definite preferences for what I liked, but I’ve never sought out music and claimed it for mine. Definitely not the way that Howard does. Last fall I spent time seeking visual things. This fall it looks like I’ll be curating my music collection. Because there is real power in music and I want my phone to be full of songs where I hear the first few notes and think “Oh I love this song!”

Also, the gym trips are much nicer when I get to pick the music. Today is much better than the last four days. I just need to keep moving.

I swear wasps are going to give me nightmares. I stepped on one. In my house. While I was putting kids to bed. I’ve no idea why the thing did not sting me. It should have. The good news is that while Gleek and Patch heard me shriek, neither of them knows it was a wasp. I told them a flying bug scared me. They’re still recovering from major stinging insect paranoia. I am very ready for night temperatures to freeze and send these things into hibernation. Gah.