Uncategorized

Last week was moody, hard to get anything done moody. About all I managed to accomplish were the bare minimum parenting and house tasks. Oh, and I started going to the gym again. Then on Friday, things felt better, as if a cloud had passed over the sun and moved on. Saturday brought a professional event when Howard and I accompanied Brandon and Emily Sanderson to the League of Utah Writers Round Up in Park City. I’ll admit that I felt apprehension about going. Some wisps of worry clung from the week prior making me think that my departure would result in some unspecified disaster at home. The feeling also came as a foreshadowing of the larger worries I have about leaving my family for a week. Yet I put on my professional clothes and went anyway.

Everything was fine. Even the hard bits were fine. Gleek and Patch had a major argument and resolved it for themselves. When I arrived home all was happy. Of course the next two hours involved conflict piled on conflict featuring Gleek, who picked that evening to push on the limits and then repent of all wrong doing she has ever committed. Yet despite how exhausting those two hours were, they cleared up some significant emotional turf for Gleek. Hard does not always mean bad. So I am both reassured and I continue to be concerned.

The sun continues to shine today. I feel normal. This is evidence that last weeks moods were primarily driven by thyroid imbalance. I hope to spend this week in calm preparation for my upcoming absence.

The LUW Round Up probably ought to get its own entry. It is a smaller event and more literary focused than most of the events we attend. I liked being at an event where genre fiction was not the primary focus. They had classes on Creative Non Fiction and Poetry. I was able to attend portions of those classes. But my favorite part was getting to present. It reminded me (again) how much I love teaching and presenting. I need to be doing more of it.

I carry a sonic mood alteration device in my pocket and I forget to use it. The device is my phone and it is fully capable of playing music. Or it is now that I’ve actually taken the trouble to put music onto it. I’ve always been very passive about music. I listened to the radio, or the mix tapes my friends made, or whatever was played by the DJ at the dance. I had definite preferences for what I liked, but I’ve never sought out music and claimed it for mine. Definitely not the way that Howard does. Last fall I spent time seeking visual things. This fall it looks like I’ll be curating my music collection. Because there is real power in music and I want my phone to be full of songs where I hear the first few notes and think “Oh I love this song!”

Also, the gym trips are much nicer when I get to pick the music. Today is much better than the last four days. I just need to keep moving.

I swear wasps are going to give me nightmares. I stepped on one. In my house. While I was putting kids to bed. I’ve no idea why the thing did not sting me. It should have. The good news is that while Gleek and Patch heard me shriek, neither of them knows it was a wasp. I told them a flying bug scared me. They’re still recovering from major stinging insect paranoia. I am very ready for night temperatures to freeze and send these things into hibernation. Gah.

The entrance to the nest was dug under a railroad tie. I could see the hornets going in and out pretty regularly. My first attempt was to wait until dark and then spray the entrance with one of those wasp killers that shoot 20 feet. I tried to spray right down the hole. Unfortunately the next day proved that the nest was not dead. There were fewer hornets, but they were still coming in and out. Tonight it rained, which I hoped would be additionally calming to the stinging bugs. I scraped everything away from the entrance. Then I used a foaming wasp killer which is supposed to coat a nest. I’d spray the entrance until it was buried in foam, then use a shovel to dig it out a bit. The force of the spray was sufficient to loosen up the dirt quite a bit. I repeated as often as I dared, which was until I’d almost emptied the can. I definitely dug into a hollow space underneath the wood, but I’m still not sure I got a clear shot at the nest. This is particularly true if the nest us up into the wood rather than even or below the entrance. I didn’t see any bugs, which I’d expect if I killed the heart of it. I’ll see if there is activity tomorrow. If there is, I’ll repeat this process. The location of the activity will help me know where to focus the next spray and dig attack.

The whole thing was pretty nerve wracking. I do not like to dig where I think there might be a hundred angry stinging insects. On the other hand, they would have had to wade through poisonous foam to get to me, so I was pretty safe. I will exterminate this nest. It just may take a few days.

We were given family passes to the local water park as a Christmas gift. These passes also include other area attractions, so we’ve been putting them to good use. However the existence of the passes meant that I had to find the energy and mental fortitude to brave the crowds at the local water park. We did and had a good time. After the first trip the kids spent the trip home full of plans for the next time. Today was our next time. We went again and had fun again, but several interesting things happened. The kids did not feel intense about getting to do every single new thing. They were much more willing to settle down with a preferred activity. As a result we didn’t have to do as much negotiating. Also, when it was time to leave, the kids didn’t argue. They remembered last time, how crowded and hot things got as the afternoon progressed. Going home was just the end of this outing, not the last view of the water park forever.

It got me thinking about scarcity and expense. When a trip to the water park is a rare event, there is pressure to make the most of it. This is particularly true if the expense is high relative to the budget. A once-per-year special trip is more likely to be filled with stress, crankiness, and sunburns as everyone stays longer than optimal for enjoyment. As I walked out of the park, I could see it in the faces of the other park visitors. Some of them were determined others relaxed. I’m becoming quite enamored of multiple relaxed trips instead of once-in-a-lifetime special trips. On the way home the kids joked and laughed about food. They were not full of plans for next time. In fact, a couple of the kids said that they actually prefer regular swimming pools. This was music to my ears, because I do too. This is why in all the years previous to this one, we’ve not gone to the water park. Now the kids know that this is not something to lament. A couple of water park trips are enough for a good long while.

The other thing I learned is that I don’t like to go down slides backwards. I much prefer to see where I’m going so that I can anticipate all the dips turns and drops. This should not surprise me as I spend so much of my life trying to anticipate what comes next.

Grief is stored in small, odd places. I bid my sister and her family farewell this afternoon. We hugged and I cheerfully waved as they loaded into the car. It was an hour later that I wandered into my kitchen to clean up and found the plastic cups with their names written on them in sharpie. (It cuts down on the “all the glasses are dirty” problem if everyone has an assigned cup.) As I threw the cups into the trash it hit me that they are gone far away and it will be a long time before I see them again. I miss them already, even while being glad to have my office back. I can cheerfully wave goodbye to the people, but throwing old cups in the trash makes me cry. Go figure.

I bought a cat carrier today. I have no plans to take my cat anywhere. I’m pretty sure she would not like the carrier at all. However last month when people all over Utah were being evacuated from their homes due to fires, I realized that in an emergency the only way we’d have to evacuate our cat would be in a cardboard box. Also, at some point we are likely to need to transport her to a vet. So now we have a carrier that will stay folded up next to our 72 hour emergency kits. Sometime in the next ten years I’ll either be really grateful to have it, or will finally know that I could have used that money for something else.

My house is really quiet. The kids have all retreated into electronic games and books. We all need some introvert time. Next week Gleek ventures out to an away from home camp and Patch has a half-day lego camp all week. My house will feel empty. I will probably spend that emptiness shipping t-shirts as they are due to arrive next Tuesday. For now, I’m trying to re-configure my house and my brain to focus on convention prep and school prep instead of extended family bonding.

Disrupted sleep. Easily stressed. Restless when awake. More than usual hair loss. Increased anxiety. Feeling like I’m neurotic/crazy.

It is time to get my thyroid tested.
Again.
Then it is time to talk to my doctor and see if he believes in the spontaneous healing of a thyroid gland a decade after it was damaged. I’m half convinced that the gland is still failing, it is just headed for hyperthyroid territory after dwelling in hypothyroid land for a decade. If it is, I’ll deal. We’ll treat the thing and I’ll be back on thyroid meds in higher doses. I’d just like to stabilize for more than four months in a row.

In happier thoughts, a conversation I just had with Howard:

Me: Our anniversary is on Sunday. This year you won’t be away at GenCon. That’s kind of nice.
Howard: It is. What do you want to do for it?
Me: Be married.
Howard: Again? We’ve done that for the last ninteen years.
Me: Yeah, I know. But I like it. It makes me happy.
Howard: Okay. We’ll do that.

My mother used to say that the way to handle four kids easily was to have seven kids and have three of them be somewhere else. Since she did have seven kids, I guess she knew whereof she spoke. This evening feels like that. My sister’s family has been staying with me for over a week and at times the house has felt crowded. Adding five people to a household can do that. I also carried some internal tension because I feel responsible to take care of guests. Sometimes those two things combined with fatigue in unpleasant ways. Then my other sister came to stay overnight with her four kids. There were thirty-six hours of togetherness and activities. I felt on-duty as hostess pretty much all the time even though no one else expected me to assume that role. At four my second sister and her kids left. Those of the rest of us scattered into various pursuits and quiet games. Suddenly instead of being hosts and guests, we just relaxed. I wonder if this is a stage of an extended stay. I suspect it must be. At some point all the people in the household adapt and just begin to live around each other. Whatever it is, it is lovely. I can feel myself unwinding. Strange how a house with ten people in it can feel spacious and restful.

My sister and her family are staying in my office, which has been transformed into a guest space. This is not preventing me from getting my work done. They’re quite understanding that sometimes I need to sit at my desk. They’re also self-employed with an internet-based business, so they understand. We all cooperate and everything gets done.

What I am not doing is puttering around and relaxing by being on the internet. I’m fine with intruding on them to work, but it feels selfish to intrude so I can read random internet things. I still do some puttering using my laptop, Calcifer, but my usual patterns are disrupted. I’m discovering that a desire to clean and organize is flowing in to fill the time vacancy. Since de-cluttering and cleaning are good things, I’m just rolling with it. By this time next week I’ll have hauled piles of things off to thrift stores and my house will feel more spacious. It’ll be a good way to enter the home stretch between now and the beginning of the school year.

Today began with half the neighborhood showing up in my back garden expecting breakfast. Fortunately our bishopric was handy to sling pancakes and supply paper plates. Thus we had our ward pioneer day breakfast. My sole responsibility to the event was to supply a location, which I was happy to do. It gave me impetus to complete a bunch of gardening projects which make me happier every time I step outside my back door. It is lovely out there. Of course the required moment of panic was supplied by the fact that the sprinklers ran and drenched the lawn just before the event was due to begin. However things went well anyway. I got to sit and visit with friends whom I see at church every Sunday, but somehow never get to really talk with. Picnic conversations are different than church hallway conversations. I wonder why that is.

The remainder of my day was mostly spent on house things. For some reason my brain decided that cleaning house and organizing was a necessity. I did quite a lot of that. I have even more that I still want to do. I keep finding clutter that I want to discard. A trip to the thrift store is pending. But first I must have a sabbath. I like those.