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Sometimes illness doesn’t seem like what it is. I was half a day into my head cold before I figured out I was legitimately sick instead of being lazy. The lethargy was strong, but I feel much better about it now that I can see it was convalescence. I only figured it out when I realized how often I was reaching for tissues. Judgement and decision making skills appear to be the first things taken offline when I don’t feel well. Today is better. The tissues-per-hour rate has dropped to a tolerable level and I got a few necessary tasks done. Hopefully my head will clear up tomorrow. I’ve got lots of convention prep work to do.

For those who might be wondering. My son came home from school the next day with all of his school work finished. Ditto for Thursday. Today he brought home some unfinished work. So the one hard day did not solve everything, but the pattern seems to indicate that this structure is right for helping my son face the things he needs to learn instead of avoiding via distraction.

Unfortunately spending so much energy on Tuesday afternoon meant I got nothing Done Wednesday. Add in a child diagnosed with strep throat, and my schedule was in pieces. I pulled it back together yesterday. Today was spent far away from my schedule as my parents were in town. Tomorrow is a house-focused day. Next week I have to put on my Graphic Designer hat a lot. Things need done. I’m hoping that I can get through next week without anyone staying home from school sick.

I dreaded today even before it began. “Dreaded” might be too strong a word, particularly since there was no concrete reason for me to go to bed unsure I wanted to deal with the day to follow. The day is mostly gone. Nothing horrible happened. I’m just swimming in a sea of things-to-do. I have orders to file until the calendars come back from the printer. There are other orders which need to be shipped right away. The calendar needs a last few flourishes before it is done with the design stage of its existence. Those are my job. I was a volunteer for a 5th grade art class where half the kids were finishing a project involving multi-colored paint. The other half were part way into a project including drawing with white on black construction paper. Unfortunately the white colored pencils were no where to be found, so I applied a last-minute substitute of chalk. Smeary, smeary chalk. I love teaching concepts with a clear lesson plan. This time I was insufficiently prepared and it all felt chaotic. Then there was a child with an emotional crisis, a conference with a teacher, and we’ve yet to even tackle homework time. The good news is that the teacher agrees with me that grades are a unit of measure and not a life goal.

I think this evening may require cookies. Not because things are bad. They aren’t. Nothing in front of me is impossible. There is just a lot of it and I’m sleep deprived. Cookies will help.

I like days where I am high energy and focused. I also like days that are drifty and somewhat formless. I’m not so fond of days like today, where I have a vague awareness that I really want to be getting lots of things done, but somehow the hours escape me without any sort of measurable progress. I did manage to arrange for the freezer to be moved from our downstairs pantry into the garage, but then instead of pursuing the project by setting up shelving for the food storage, I…sort of wandered off to click my way through the internet a couple more times. I did locate some ideas that I may want to apply when remodeling my office, none of which are immediately useful. I read a couple of articles with interesting science information. I have no current applications for this information. I felt some vague guilt that my kids seemed to have breathed in the same unambitious air. They had a mythbusters marathon. I sometimes felt like I ought make them do something active, but the weather was cold, windy, wet. Gleek felt under the weather. Link had just returned from an overnight fishing trip. Most of all I couldn’t seem to find the necessary focus to insist on something else.

I wanted to be energetic today. I wanted to get projects done and clean my house. I wanted to make everything ready for the week that is coming. Alternately it would have been nice to have a truly relaxed vacation day, something refreshing and rejuvenating. I didn’t really have either one. It wasn’t a bad day. Nothing in particular went wrong. I just felt like I squandered the potential of the day I was given and I’m not sure why. Hopefully I can be more energetic tomorrow.

I’ve scribbled notes for at least three good blog entries in the last two days. Unfortunately every time I found a space of time which could contain writing, I arrived there with my brain all used up. Oh well. At least the postcards are done, the week’s homework is under control, and all the pieces for opening orders on Monday are in place. Onward.

I’m sorting things and reorganizing today, not in any logical or focused fashion, but random things as I bump into them. So you get this blog post which is much like my organizational method today.

***

It was past noon when I first looked at my To Do list. I’d drifted my way through the morning, mostly sleeping, occasionally staring at nothing in particular as my mind turned over possible plans for the day. I opened the list in an attempt to find focus. I knew there were things to accomplish, some of them urgent, many of them order dependent, and I did not want to arrive at Monday morning to discover that my lackadaisical attitude on Saturday had gifted me with a crisis. The first thing I noticed about the list was that I had not checked off any tasks since the prior Monday. Five days where I barely even glanced at my list because I was completely occupied with a few large, urgent tasks. This cycle is normal to me. Sometimes my list is my constantly-checked lifeline. Other times I neglect it completely. I need it when I’m tracking lots of small tasks. I don’t when I’m working on a few large ones.

I re-ordered and updated the list so that it reflected a plan for next week instead of the abandoned plan for last week. The organization process is useful even when the list goes unused. Unfortunately the list did not clarify which of my possible paths for Saturday I should choose. There was the “get the car fixed” path which had me sitting in a waiting room having new tires put on the van. Then sitting in another waiting room to make sure that the van passes its safety inspection. These final two steps were the tail end of a path which began with getting the windshield replaced and turn signals fixed. I also contemplated the “get ahead on work” path which would have pinned me to my computer working layout and design. In the end I did a mix of “working on house projects,” “vacation day,” and “accomplishing odds and ends.” This was a nice shift from the driven pace of the week just passed. Most importantly, I could wander myself from task to task rather than trying to herd children into doing tasks which I was not allowed to do for them. Much nicer.

***

Last year I was burned out on Halloween by the second week of October. This was because I spent four intense days scrambling to make a costume for Kiki to wear to an anime convention. Kiki was grateful for my efforts, but dissatisfied with the costume. The other kids pulled their costumes together from stuff we had on hand, no effort from me, and they loved their costumes. So this year I declared a hands-off policy for me. I would render minor assistance with costumes, particularly for Patch, but beyond that they were on their own. They agreed with this plan. Kiki planned an elaborate armored costume which she intended to make out of cardboard and paper mache. Link planned to buy a Halo costume with his own money. Gleek and Patch made no particular plans. In the end Kiki found that her visions exceeded her skills. Link decided he’d rather buy a video game. Gleek created a Tiffany Aching costume which only required the purchase of a hat. Patch will be a Nac Mac Feegle, but the Halloween shopping fairy smiled upon me and let me find all the necessary props in a single store. Costuming has been remarkably stress free. Possibly because none of us had any spare stress to expend. The end of term exhausted us all.

***

The weather has turned brisk and my lawns are littered with leaves. It will soon be too cold to go outside and garden. The weeds in my flower beds may have to keep my flowers company this winter. Again. I did get outside long enough to shut off and drain the sprinkler system. We’re due to have two more mild days, I decided to leave my hammock swings up for those two days in the hopes that I’ll have the chance to lounge in them once more. When I bring them in, they’ll be headed to storage for months. I haven’t sat in them much this past month, but they were there. Ready. For the rest of the descent into winter, and for winter itself, I will have to find some other retreat.

***

Last week I came home from Antelope Island filled with the intention to get myself and my children outdoors. I scoured weather reports and thought that today would be warm enough to gather them all and go. It was warm enough, but the drive was worn out of me. I need to remember that this is not a failure. We need restful times with routine relaxation just as much as we need new and inspiring adventures. Sleep is needful. Drifting can be important. That said, I’m still watching the weather and wishing it would tell me of more warm days ahead. I shall have to find some indoor adventures I think.

Things which went wrong today:

Kiki was sick and stayed home from school.

FedEx came when no one was home.

A piece of Howard’s car came loose.

The dishwasher lost yet another screw.

Son’s book order was rejected because I put cash in the envelope instead of a check.

The color proofs for Blackness Between showed a color fix which needed to be made.

Construction on the road blocked the turn to my kids’ school.

Things which are now fixed:

Took Kiki to the doctor, we now have antibiotics for her bronchitis.

FedEx stopped by again because I called and asked them to.

Howard’s car is now in the shop.

My drill put the screws back in the dishwasher.

My daughter’s book order has the same books as my son’s. I’ve resubmitted with a check this time.

I sent the color fix to the printer and Blackness Between is back on track.

Defying the construction, I drove down the road and made a U-turn to retrieve my children.

Now if only I could ditch the unreasonable amount of crankiness that this small list of things-gone-wrong-but-now-fixed engendered. I guess some days are just grouchy.

I have spent most of the last two days shipping packages. This is good because it means people have been buying our merchandise. However it means that I’ve fallen behind on almost everything else. Perhaps tomorrow I can catch up.

It helps to have a personable dentist who is willing to explain alarming noises and devices.

That shot of Novocaine may also contain epinephrin. This can trigger an increased heart rate and tremors, which feel quite like the beginning stages of an anxiety/panic attack. That part was not useful or helpful when I was attempting to relax. The numbing was critical though.

The fact that they are miniature does not make me less nervous about the power tools in my mouth.

There is a special light which is used to make fillings set. It shone blue and sounded like a hair dryer.

They can make a piece to fit into a tooth in mere minutes. Then they fit it into the hole they carved out.

Expect to find bits left in the mouth after returning home.

Ibuprofen is my friend, but the post-dental-work ache is much better than the intermittent stabbing pain of decaying tooth.

Hopefully tomorrow my chewing will be back to normal.