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On Monday I wrote about how my life was slowing down just when most people are speeding up for the holidays. I was mistaken. I worked calmly and steadily through Monday and Tuesday. They were good days and I was able to feel happy about my life and the things that are in it. By Wednesday it became apparent that while “calm and steady” is a good emotional state, it was not keeping up with the deluge of tasks.

I gave last week to the Church Christmas party. This week was supposed to be about finding my balance and setting the house back in order. Instead the week was about hundreds of small things that had become urgent when I wasn’t looking. It was also about tripping over stuff and shoving it into odd corners so that I could pay attention to the task at hand. The result is all jumbled up. My office and work room are in such a state that I’m constantly having to move boxes (or papers, or packaging) in order to get to the books (or papers, or packaging) that I need. I need to do a thorough reorganization, but I’ve been too busy chasing urgent tasks.

Adding to the mix, my two daughters are each having a rough time this week. They each need my full attention to help them sort through and find solutions. And I have little energy or attention to spare.

We’ll sort it all out. I just wanted it to be sorted this week instead of next. I’m constantly hoping that a big effort today will allow me to relax in the future. I’m chasing a mirage, and I haven’t yet figured out how to stop. At least Howard met his achievement goals for the week. The buffer is healthy again.

Kiki’s teacher expects a lot more than Kiki thought on the major project of the year. There was panic.

When Kiki’s work on the major project is assembled, she has more than enough. Now she just has to fill in the gaps.

Having $1000 lay out and design tools is a major help for history projects.

Toasted London broil roast beef sandwiches dipped in broth are really yummy.

Our cat will pounce on dice if we roll them along the floor. Much giggling.

Gleek’s little fuzzy caterpillar on a string toy is a perfect cat toy.

Gleek loves her little fuzzy caterpillar on a string and has a really hard time sharing it with her brothers.

I need to stay focused on the kids before school rather than getting distracted by hauling boxes of books from the car.

I have reached the point in Church party preparations where nearly everything is done. What remains is food prep, and due to the perishable nature of food, most of that has to be done tomorrow. In the absence of things to prepare, my brain has resorted to exploring possible ways that things could go wrong. This means it is time for distraction. So here are some non-party (or at least only tangentially party-related) things for the last couple of days.

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At bedtime Patch likes to spend some time talking. First I listen to him tell about his day, then he will ask about mine. Yesterday my brain was so full of planning that I couldn’t even begin to form a coherent story about my day.
“I’m sorry kiddo. My head is too full of things and I need to not lose them.”
Patch nodded in complete understanding and lay with me in contented silence. He knows exactly what it is like to have a head full of important thoughts.

****

On Wednesday night I was triple booked with a junior high band concert, directing the young women’s group in decoration construction, and a writer’s group hosted at our house. I finished up the other things and finally was able to collapse in a chair for writer’s group. Then it was my turn to critique and I amused everyone greatly by having extremely fractured thoughts. The thoughts were good ones, once I could gather them together. But if anyone spoke while I was gathering my thoughts it was like a rock landing in the middle of a puddle. The thoughts fractured and scattered and I had to begin the process of collecting them anew. With much laughter I eventually was able to communicate.

****

Yesterday morning I realized that once I manage to drag the kids out of bed, they get themselves ready for school on schedule. This represents a huge improvement over the many years when I had to constantly nag at each step of the process. I’m not sure why that is working this year when it never did before, but I am grateful.

****

Link has been playing roller coaster tycoon. (or maybe Sim Coaster) His money making strategy is to lure lots of visitors into his park. Then he blocks the park exit with construction and removes all the bathrooms. When the park visitors are beginning to be a little frantic, he’ll construct a single bathroom. The visitors have to pay to use this bathroom. Also they can only get to it by first riding a very expensive roller coaster.

****

My dreams have been full of party preparations, which makes sense since my days have been as well. I had one dream which hit upon every possible failure point for the event. When I woke up, I used the dream as a tool for re-checking my preparations. 28 hours from now I will know what worked and what didn’t.

****

I’ve been watching Babylon 5 as a distraction. I haven’t seen it before. It definitely suffers from age a little, particularly in the first season. Everyone tells me that the first season is awful, but that it has useful information. I beg to differ. Any necessary information contained in the first season will be recapped later, save the pain and start at the beginning of season two. In season two I actually started caring about the characters and being interested in the story that the series is building. It definitely does some things which are not often done in an ongoing television series.
Two annoyances:
1. back story is handled badly, usually by having a character sit down and tell it to another character “I have a back story, let me tell you it.” This is getting better, hopefully I’ll stop rolling my eyes on this by Season three.
2. Anger is an over used emotion. No matter what happens, someone gets angry and shouts about it. I much prefer a more nuanced emotional landscape, particularly from people who are supposed to be diplomats.
We’ll see what the second half of season two and onward provide.

The week ahead of me is full. I have a couple dozen tasks and preparations to make for the church Christmas party on Saturday. Gleek has a big social studies report due by Thursday. Kiki has her regular round of homework plus a big term-end assignment to complete. Tuesday evening hosts a scout court of honor. On Wednesday I am triple booked for the same two hours. I still haven’t figured out the logistics of that one. I also expect the shipping and customer support to be heavy, which is good since the extra income will help cover the extra holiday expenses. Then I have the regular round of household stuff. It is the kind of week where we eat chicken nuggets, frozen burritos, and ramen since the kids can fix these for themselves.

To add to the excitement, I’m a little bit sick today. I’m sporting a light headache, mild head congestion, fatigue, and the occasional cough. I can’t tell if this is as bad as it will get, or if I’m perched on the precipice of true illness. I can’t afford to be sick this week. I have to keep track of too many things. So I’m staring down the illness, taking preventative measures, and making note of all my things to do so that if I have to hand them off, I can. One of the things which may not happen next week is blogging. I have to choose my expenditures of energy carefully.

Even with all of that, I am happier than I was this time last week. Having do-nothing-in-particular days has been incredibly helpful as a restorative for my inner balance. I look forward to the week after next when all of this week’s stuff will be done and I can find something approaching normal.

The grocery store tells me that Christmas time is here. The piped music over head sings cheerful carols while garlands and tinsel adorn the walls and corners. My eyes slide off the decorations and I try to tune out the carols. Christmastime comes with a myriad of To Dos, the largest of which is the church Christmas party that I have to run one week from today. This next week will be swallowed whole by the needs of arranging an event for 200+ people. I’m not ready to manage all that yet. I’ll have to start thinking about it tomorrow at Church, but today I still have a little pocket of Thanksgiving in which nothing is required of me but gratitude.

Christmas leaks in of course. The kids have already begun mentioning things that they would like to receive. We’ve also begun the necessary shopping. Thoughts of party plans drift their way through my brain. Hopefully I’ve had enough rest so that I can dive in to next week.

Another thing happened at the grocery store. I smiled at a friend in passing. A scruffy, bearded man happened to be pushing his cart past me as I did. “You’ve got a great smile.” he said. I thanked him as I passed. I am not in the habit of chatting in the grocery store. It is an introverted time for me rather than a social time. But my smile lingered because of what that man said. He repeated it when we passed each other again in frozen foods. The smile felt good on my face and I tried to keep it for the rest of the trip. Consciously smiling is something I should do more often.

Last week I declared that the Thanksgiving break was a time when I planned nothing. For the next five days I have no required To Do list. And so far this morning…I’ve done exactly what I would have done if I’d given myself a To Do list for the day. The only difference is in my approach. Instead of thinking “What do I have to do next?” I’ve been thinking “What do I want to do right now?” The answer is the same, but how I feel about it is entirely different.

We’ll also be doing some less ordinary stuff. This afternoon I’m taking all the kids to go see Tangled. We’re also embarking into the realms of pre-feast cookery. Life is good, which is something of a startling discovery after this past weekend. It is also one of those smack-myself-in-the-head-because-it-is-so-obvious discoveries.

Everyone around here is talking about the blizzard. It is due at my house in the next two hours according to local weather services. They tell us so with exclamation points. These same news sources provide lists of schools and businesses who closed early so that everyone could be home before the storm. Local facebook statuses indicate that my neighbors have gathered their flashlights and blankets just in case. I look out my window at a golden sunset and no wind. Off to the North the sky is a little bit gray, but here things are calm.

In the midst of a storm there is something to do, actions to take, weather to watch. Before the storm, when you know a storm is coming, it is hard to judge whether precautions are wise or unnecessary. I stand at the window and part of me hopes that the storm is really impressive. I don’t want anyone hurt, or even inconvenienced, I just want the weather to be interesting rather than just cold and gray. We’ve barely begun with winter and I’m already tired of cold and gray.

I broke down this weekend. I’ve been trying to think up an appropriate metaphor for the experience, but I haven’t yet figured out whether it was more akin to a catastrophic flat followed by limping along on a spare tire or if I am more like the blender whose motor suddenly ground to a halt while exuding smoke. It felt like the second in the middle of it, and yet I am still here and I have accomplished things since. On the other hand, I’m not entirely sure it is over. I thought I worked through it on Saturday. Then again on Sunday. Yesterday was fine. This morning was most decidedly not fine at all. I’m forced to come to the conclusion that my emotional weather detection is poorly calibrated.

I don’t actually expect much from this snow storm. The wind will blow. The snow will fall. But everyone is prepared. They all went home early and found their blankets. Even those who lose power will be fine because they’ve formed plans. The killer storms are the ones that surprise people. I suspect this is why the weather service wielded those exclamation points. They want this storm to be anticlimactic, particularly on a day when people would usually begin their holiday travel. They wanted everyone to be complaining about how all the warning was for nothing instead of complaining because they were not warned.

My emotional breakdown this weekend completely ambushed me. Hindsight gives me many signs which I failed to interpret as an impending emotional storm. Now I am picking through my thoughts rather like a survivor picking through detritus after a tornado has blown through. I’m trying to figure out where it came from, whether it will be back, and how to prevent it all in the future. All of this logic is based on the assumption that I actually have control over my mental state, my faith in that premise is somewhat shaky right now. If I do have control over the causes, then I must figure it all out and take steps to avert future storms. If I don’t, then I just need to sweep up and move on. I’m currently leaning toward the sweep up and move on school of thought. This is in part because I think a major cause of the break down was me trying to plan, orchestrate, and control too many things over an extended period of time. It is nice when both schools of thought lead to the same place.

The wind has picked up outside the house. I think we will have snow soon. This means it is probably time for me to stop staring at this screen trying to wrap words around my experiences. I need to stop trying to analyze my life and go live it for awhile.

In the space between falling asleep last night and waking up this morning, I took a vacation to Italy. It was warm, filled with fascinating architecture, and the food was amazing. I don’t know why my subconscious chose Italy as a vacation place. I’ve never been there. I don’t know why it chose last night to dream a full length made-up vacation. I woke up feeling glad to be back home after a good trip.

This afternoon my subconscious took me on quite a different trip. It decided to be anxious and to spill that feeling throughout my body and brain. My logic centers scrambled to try to explain it, because my logic centers are quite convinced that things which can be explained can also be managed. The thing is that yesterday went seriously awry the minute the kids got home from school. I was completely unable to pull it back on course. I just had to shutdown and restart on the hope that the troubles would be gone the next day. My kids were going to come home from school again, and rather than sensibly waiting to see how it went, my subconscious decided to be anxious in advance. I didn’t get a whole lot of work done which gave my subconscious even more fodder for anxiety.

The actual arrival of my kids and ensuing homework events were not entirely happy, but I’ll take today over yesterday without hesitation.

So I hope that my subconscious has a nice trip planned for tonight’s dream. I think it owes me.

It is the kind of day when I wear my fuzzy florescent yellow socks out in public because it is the only way I can bear to brave the blowing rain/hail to get my errands done.

It is the kind of day when I close my eyes while listening to a teacher describe an incident at school. Then I inhale a random crumb so that I sound like I am crying when I am not. My supply of answers runs dry long before the phone call ends. It is replaced by a new repository of questions.

It is the kind of day where my daughter and I quarrel, not because anything is wrong between us, but because we each have a head full of gloom and they are crashing in to each other. Unfortunately the needs of the homework require me to wear my Meanie hat for a time because I understand that the best path for her to get to a better place is by going through all the things that she does not want to have to deal with. (Huh. As I type that it occurs to me that I should probably take my own advice.)

It is the kind of day when my daughter sits at the counter with her tutor doing two hours of Algebra homework even though she does not want to. She works through the cloud of gloom and I stay nearby, ready to triage the potential emotional catastrophe inherent in Algebra combined with teenage girl.

It is the kind of day where I click through my bookmark list multiple times hoping to find new happy things. Frequency of clicking leads to apparent decrease in new happy things.

It is the kind of day where I consider ranting on the internet, but don’t because I’m just temporarily grouchy and the words would stick around far longer than the emotion.

It is the kind of day when I look at my to do list and realize that despite my emotional experience of the day, I got a significant quantity of things done so that tomorrow does not have to be insane.

I have made my big Thanksgiving plans: I plan nothing. This is not to say that I will actually do nothing. I may do many things. It may be a very busy few days, but it will only be busy if I decide, in the moment, to do many things. This Fall has been full of schedule, scrambling to meet deadlines, and updating the calendar. I need a vacation from that. So for the the holiday weekend I will not have a To Do list. Instead I will have a list of options from which I can select. Alternately I can ignore my list and do nothing.

The one caveat to this plan is Thanksgiving dinner with family. I will do some planning for that. But not today. My planning engine is burned out for today.