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This has not been a weekend for thinking.  It has been a weekend full of reality-avoidance in the form of television on DVD.  But I’ve put all of the boxed sets away now and I think I’m ready to pick up all my things so I can work effectively during the next week.  It is interesting to note that in three separate church related meetings, four separate speakers spoke about the value of our time and the importance of using it wisely.  Only once was this theme the focus of the lesson, the rest of the time it was just mentioned in passing.  While the mentions passed, they jumped out at me and something in my brain said “this is for you.”  Obviously this weekend is not a good example of me listening and learning, but I intend to do better next week.

I think the avoidance was in part fueled by a conversation I had with a good friend on Friday.  It was one of those fascinating conversations where I dig around in my brain and discover that I’ve got stuff that needs sorted through and assimilated.  None of it is earth shattering or likely to cause epiphany.  Most of it was discovering small things that which send out ripples of stress into other things.  Finding the source of the ripples gives me some power over them which is good.  Or, it will be good once I start taking care of it all instead of watching fictional people make emotional messes. It is kind of like watching a train wreck so that I can figure out how to never ride that particular train.  (Side note:  Lessons learned from television this weekend:  Keeping secrets from friends and family is asking for pain.  Thinking about someone besides oneself is a really good idea when making decisions.  The phrase “I had no choice” is almost always a lie, usually a rationalization lie.  The sentence “You wouldn’t understand” is like a shield to prevent others from understanding because if they do understand you, that would make you vulnerable.  Vulnerability is scary, but ultimately the only way to develop closeness to another person.  End side note.)

This next week has no major scheduled events.  A routine week would be a good thing.  We need lots of those in the next two months so we can turn <i>Resident Mad Scientist</i> into a real book.  Also it would be nice to finish cleaning and organizing the house, which is much more likely to happen when life is routine.

Howard was gone this weekend.  Before I took him to the airport, he pointed to his ipod which he left in the docking station.   He explained that he’d set it to play his bedtime playlist and his morning playlist automatically.  That way I’d hear the music, be reminded to stay in something resembling a sane schedule, and remember that he loves me.  My sleeping schedule is always thrown off when Howard is gone.  I smiled and nodded at his explanation.  Then I didn’t think any more of it.  Until 11 pm when the music started playing, and I remembered I should head to bed and that Howard loves me.  It made me happy.

Some days are a wreck waiting to happen.

Link is having his first experience with real homework. He has a 20 picture autobiography and a country report both due tomorrow. He has two regular homework assignments as well. He is feeling a bit buried and overwhelmed. It isn’t too much work, we just didn’t get enough of the big projects done earlier. An hour or two of solid work will get the assignments done. The tricky part is cajoling Link into putting in the work instead of staring at the pile in despair.

Kiki is struggling this year. She has a moderate to heavy homework load. She’s getting up earlier than she has been accustomed to doing. She continues to struggle with insomnia. She too has some large assignments looming over her. She is at the beginning end of the assignments, but she really needs to not procrastinate. So today needs to be a heavy homework day for her. Only she’s of an age where she pushes back when I lean on her to get her work done, or when I suggest that she needs to apply some time management techniques.

Gleek and Patch are having a normal day, but normal includes frequent requests that I need to respond to or help with.

Howard is tired because his sleep rhythms have been all over the map lately. He also needs help packing for a seminar and is stressed about getting the presentations right.

I spent all day assembling two pallets of books. This involved much heavy lifting and two trips to the storage unit. I also had to put together some box sets to fill out the order to the distributor. I am physically exhausted, in need of a shower, and longing to lock myself someplace quiet and just zone out. Instead I have to help with all of the above. I still need to wrap and strap the two pallets of books. Also there are dishes to hand wash before bed.

We have not yet had a major argument, but it is probably a matter of time.

I guess I must have needed the extra sleep, but having two and a half hours vanish into a nap made the day feel really short.  This is particularly true because I did not emerge feeling rested.  Instead I felt fatigued because I’d had to fight my way free of the clinging tentacles of anxious dreams.  I think those dreams cameoed just about every worrisome thought that has floated through my brain in the last week.  In technicolor and full-sensory surround.  But they weren’t true nightmares, just tangles.

Tomorrow I get to haul books from our storage unit and assemble them into a pallet.  On Friday this pallet will get hauled away by a freight shipper and delivered to our distributor.  XDM books and The Tub of Happiness will be hitting game stores in mid-October.

Beyond this entry, none of the posts have comments because I did not import the comments from the original Livejournal posts.  All of the posts here are mirrored on sandratayler.livejournal.com.

I began revising an essay about how our perspective on the things we must do is the difference between a happy life and a miserable one. Instead I found myself writing four pages about my experiences with anxiety disorder during the Fall of 2007. I’m usually much better about staying on topic. Then I started to think about it. Those anxiety experiences began two years ago this month. The intervening years have been extremely busy. Now I have arrived in September, where the weather is similar to the anxious time, and I have time to contemplateand write. Not only that, but I am writing in similar ways to 2007. Last year I’d put writing down. Adding to the parallel, we are currently in a financially narrow spot, tight finances were a major component of the anxiety stress. Anniversaries and parallels are psychologically important even if we don’t recognize them consciously.

No wonder my brain burst and over flowed to spill my experiences on the page. I’m finally in an emotional and physical space where I am ready to process and accept what I went through. At the time it was all muddling-about with very little clarity about the experience. Writing about it is still not easy. I keep finding unexpected emotional triggers. I guess this mental clean up fits right in with all the household organization and clean up I’ve been doing. It is time to clear out the corners and get rid of old baggage.

There is no more certain way for me to acquire a quiet afternoon than for me to stick a sign on the TV saying “Chores First.” Like magic, the kids will scatter to go play at their friends’ houses rather than be stuck here where Mom might enforce that sign. So I had a quiet afternoon today. Unfortunately it was not a relaxing one. Every minute of the day was scheduled and most of it was focused on clearing the way for an early bedtime. This morning was incredibly cranky because all the kids were short on sleep. I don’t want to do that again. But moving bedtime earlier means snack has to move earlier and so do Family Home Evening, homework, dinner, fixing dinner, washing dishes so I can fix dinner, etc. It feels like I started preparing for bedtime at around 3 pm. Add into the mix the fact that all the kids had heavier than usual homework loads, and I am now very tired. This year is going to be homework heavy. Fortunately all of my kids are currently focused on being responsible about homework, so it is not an uphill battle. The nice thing about early bedtime is that it is now 9 pm. All the kids are abed and my bedtime is an hour from now. Tomorrow will be better, because the second day of a new schedule always is. Also, the kids will be less cranky because they will have gotten enough sleep.

Struggle makes us stronger, but no one likes to struggle. We also do not like to see those we love struggle. This is true whether the struggle is physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. One of my hardest tasks as a parent is to stand aside while a child struggles with a problem that I could solve easily. But if I do the math assignment, the child will not learn Geometry. If I tie the shoes, then the child will not acquire necessary deftness in his fingers. If I buy the toy, the child will never have the chance to work hard and earn it. It is so hard, particularly when the child is in tears and truly miserable. The thing I have to remind myself is that if I remove the struggles, I also deprive my children of the opportunity for triumph. No prize is greater than the one you worked really hard to earn.

This same principle applies to conflict. To live is to have disagreements with other people. I don’t like that. I don’t much like conflict. Slowly though, I have learned that some conflicts are necessary. Shying away from the conflict does not create true peace. It just sends both participants around in circles until they come back to the same place. Sometimes the only way out is through. Often I discover that the passage through is far shorter and less miserable than I expected it to be. Of course the way you choose to navigate that passage through conflict can be the difference between a polite negotiation and all out warfare.

To put the two thoughts together: I spend a significant portion of time refereeing conflicts between my kids. The conflicts rarely come at convenient times and so I am greatly tempted to just end the conflict by decree. Often this is necessary because I have to end the conflict quickly to attend to other things. But sometimes I need to take time to guide my kids through a conflict resolution process. They don’t like it when I force them to explain themselves to each other, but they come away with a better understanding of conflict resolution. Hardest of all for me are the times when I need to step out completely and let the kids resolve conflict without interference. If I am present, I intervene. But there have been times when the older kids were babysitting the younger ones and conflict erupted. I come home to discover that the storm is over and that in the process of resolving the conflict without my help, the kids are closer than they were before.

Too much struggle can be destructive, but too little can stunt growth.

The hike to the top of Mount Timpanogos is 8.5 miles long. Then you have to hike back down. This is a non-trivial hiking distance, particularly when you remember that over the distance you gain around 5000 feet of elevation. The round trip averages 8 – 10 hours depending upon your rate of travel. Link’s scout troop intended to split the hike into two days. They planned to hike, camp, then hike the summit. I knew that the trip would be hard for Link. He has had some hiking experience, but day hikes only. We packed him as lightly as we could, but the pack still threatened to tip him over backwards. However, I trust his leaders. They are all good men and I knew they would take care of my boy. I was right. When the wind, rain, and thunder combined to push Link into a nearly panicked state, one of those leaders turned around with him and walked him back down the mountain. Then drove him back home.

Link was so glad to be home. He was glad to dump his huge pack and change out of his wet clothes. He was glad to be safe inside a house with the storm outside. But when I asked, he also admitted that he felt sad that the storm had driven him away from the hike. He felt bad about being the only boy in the troop who gave up. I knew that there were some people planning to make a day trip up the mountain. I asked Link if he wanted to try joining one of these groups. He said that he did. So I got on the phone. In the end, the same wonderful leader who had walked Link down the mountain volunteered to take him back up.

At 5:30 this morning we packed Link off again. This time he did not have to tote a sleeping bag or tent. He only carried water and food. I know he was nervous about going, but he wanted to succeed. The leader and Link did not reach the summit. They chose to turn around at Emerald Lake, which is 3 miles and 1000 feet shy of the summit. This is fine. I’d actually told Link that not reaching the summit is fine and that Emerald Lake might be a good goal. The important thing is that he put on his pack and hiked again after his fearful return. He picked a hard goal and then he reached it even though it was uncomfortable, hard, and occasionally scary.

He arrived home dirty, with aching feet, and triumphant. We let him have a bath and he watched movies for the rest of the afternoon. But my favorite part was when he sat down to tell me about the things he saw while hiking. He told me about the herds of mountain goats, rocks that twisted his ankles, the island in the middle of Emerald Lake, seeing the other groups of hikers as they went past, how one teenage boy carried his pack for awhile, the big grasshoppers which clicked as they flew, and that he was glad he went. I am glad he went too. He had an adventure and he will always remember it.

I really need to make cookies for Link’s scout leader. Reading between the lines of Link’s account, I’m sure the leader earned cookies. It is a start on paying off the debt of gratitude I feel. It takes a very good man to let a boy try again.

I am once again watching a storm roll over the mountain where my son is camping. Seems like we did this at the other end of the summer as well. Only this time we have the added excitement of lightning. They’ll be fine. It looks like the storm is going to blow through pretty quickly. It just seems that the surest way to summon weather is to plan a camping trip with my kids involved. Kiki’s girl’s camp was rained on too.

In the mean time, I spent an hour skating around the local rink. Gleek, Patch, and their young cousin all accompanied me. The rink was nicely empty, but we all wore out by the end of the hour.

…and Link just arrived back home. The big hike to the top of the mountain was already anxiety inducing, but then to be sleeted on, soaking wet, and out in the open with thunder booming all around was too much for him to handle. One of the leaders brought him home. There is a group leaving in the morning to try to catch up with those camping on the mountain. We plan to send Link along with that group. Hopefully he’ll still be able to get to the top of the mountain, only with a much smaller pack and in sunny weather instead of storms.