Clearing My Head of Shirts and Shows

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The last of the pre-ordered shirts went out this morning. Now I only have regular orders to fill. I’m glad to have the work. I’m also glad to be sending things out of my house. During the moments when I was too physically tired and brain dead for t-shirts I noodled around on Netflix and ended up watching a couple of episodes of Hoarders. I found the psychology involved fascinating, both the revealed motivations of the hoarders and my own psychology as I watched. I came away wanting to organize and de-clutter my whole house, which I suspect is a common reaction. Hoarders is fascinating in part because it is a magnification of things I do all the time. My house gets cluttered and messy. I don’t always clean it up quickly. I stack boxes in corners until I have time to deal with them. However I’m also aware that there is a fundamental difference. I am not a hoarder. I’m more likely to get rid of something and need it later than I am to keep something I’ll never use. My spaces get messy, particularly when I’m in the midst of a project, but then I clean it all up to make space for the next project.

In happier viewing, I watched Captain America: The first Avenger. I’ve seen it before, but this re-watch made me realize that I’ve crossed the line over into being a Captain America fan. I need to see Avengers again. I also watched Mirror Mirror for the first time. I really liked it. It was lovely, occasionally clever, and interesting. My feminist brain was not quite sure what to make of it, as the text of the film had messages of female empowerment, but Snow White herself was self-effacing and submissive through much of the film. I’ve decided to take the submissive aspects as a deliberate character choice rather than a social statement. Even a shy girl can learn to be strong and do it in a way that does not change her into someone else.

Having cleared my brain from shirts and shows, hopefully I’ll be ready next week to prep kids for school, ship the last of the merchandise to WorldCon, put Howard on a plane for GenCon, and (hopefully, maybe) open up my writing thoughts so that I have an answer for the question “What are you planning to write next?”

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A Visual on the Invasion of Shirts

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Pretty much every flat surface in my family room is covered in shirts.

And that is only counting the Scorch Marks shirt. Most of the Tagon’s Toughs shirts have been stowed elsewhere, except for a few which are destined to go into packages later this afternoon.

“Elsewhere” is currently located in my office until I get the storage space reconfigured to allow for shirts.

Those big white boxes are full of folded shirts. Next I get to begin the part of this shirt invasion that I really like, which is sending all these shirts to their new homes. Time to print some postage.

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Shirts take over my life

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My day has been all about t-shirts and making five dozen little judgement calls about what to ship, how to ship it, and when to ship it. The fried brain situation is not helped by the fact that I’m actually managing four different t shirt priority streams. There are the shirts which have been pre-ordered and need to go into the mail as soon as possible. Then there are the shirts which need to go to GenCon. Similar quantities of shirts need to ship to WorldCon. I also have to sort stock for my storage room so that we have ongoing inventory. This means that I need to reorganize my storage room so that I have room for the shirts, water bottles, and shopping bags. New shelving may be required, but I have to finish clearing out mess first. Each of these different priority streams vies for my attention and as a result I often feel a bit frozen. I keep having to walk away from all of it to clear my head. So I go eat, or read, or watch fifteen minutes of a show until my brain pops up with: Do This Next. Then I get up and do that thing. Hopefully it leads smoothly into the next thing and I can keep going. If not, I’m stopped again. I’m watching Captain America in very small pieces.

I think I’ve finally got all the shirts sorted and arranged. This is good, because tomorrow the next shipment of t-shirts arrives.

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Disengaging the Mommy Radar

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I do not want to be that mom, the one who hovers and is unable to let go. Yet my mommy radar is jangling in my head with pre-alarm signals. I dropped a child off this morning and I have not yet picked her up. She is off the grid and I can’t check to make sure that she is safe. I’d managed to disengage the radar, assigned Gleek to Safe at Camp status, but then she called home. She had a headache and a stomach ache. Both are likely the result of the fact that she did not sleep well last night and is suppressing nerves about camp. I now wish I’d taken time to sit with her last night, helped her get to sleep. Instead I just gave her reassurance over the phone and suggested that she get some rest. She sounded sad as she hung up the phone. They’ll call me again if there is any real cause for alarm. She is fine and well cared for, but now my mommy radar won’t shut up. I don’t want to be the mom who suffers because she is worried and can’t let go. I just wish there was a way to recalibrate the part of my brain which keeps getting alarmed because I can only count to three kids home safe instead of four.

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Prayer, Scriptures, Church, and Parenting

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For someone who believes in prayer, it is amazing how often I forget to use it. I believe that God listens to my prayers and answers them. I also believe that when I pray on someone else’s behalf that my prayers have an effect, even though my logic brain is stumped to explain the mechanics of exactly how it works. I know for sure that when I pray it changes me; my internal landscape alters, calms, shifts and I step away with a clearer view of what is and what needs to be next. Sometimes the changes to my internal landscape unlock floods and rivers of inspiration which wash through me. Other times I realize that God has been waiting very patiently for me to ask before helping me. I’ve seen all of this over and over in my life. Yet I’m usually fairly well established in my stress or crisis before I think to apply prayer to the problem. I need to be better about that.

There are other religious observances which I also neglect such as daily study of scriptures. Somehow it gets lost in the middle of everything else and I don’t even think to miss it until it has been absent for weeks or months. Every time I put it back, it fills my soul. I find greater reserves and strength for managing everything else in my life. It is exercise and good nutrition for my spirit, yet it fares about as well in my schedule as exercise does.

Fortunately I have weekly church attendance to nudge me and remind me of the importance of prayer and scripture study. It is like a regular appointment with my personal trainer, the day when I have to account for my choices during the prior week. Sometimes I slouch into the appointment resentfully, knowing that I’ve been lacking. Yet I’m not scolded there, just encouraged, reminded, nudged. And on days like today, when I’m feeling a bit cracked open and raw, I am healed. My spiritual practices bring me closer to my loving Father in Heaven who only wants me to grow and is sad that sometimes the growth process is painful. I can sympathize with that today as I look forward to this coming school year and know my kids have some difficult emotional terrain ahead. I keep forgetting that Howard and I do not have to do this alone. My Father in Heaven is also there for my kids and when I remember to apply prayer to our challenges, miracles happen.

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Things I am Stressed About

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I have decided that rather than letting all these thoughts swirl around in my head, I will pin them to a list. Once I make them hold still I have a better chance of figuring out which ones actually need my attention.

Gleek goes to camp next week. This will be her first away from home, away from family experience. I’m sure she’ll have a fantastic time and that all will go well, but it hasn’t gone well yet. My brain keeps worrying over Things Which Could Go Wrong much in the way that a dog will worry at a favorite chew toy.

Kiki has not yet finished her big summer commission. She is completely capable of doing it. It is her job. She is handling it responsibly and making steady progress. She is going to get this done on schedule. Yet my brain can’t stop tracking the progress and noting that it is not yet complete.

School is coming. I don’t know how the onset of school is going to unsettle everyone. I’m gathering my mental energy to try to launch us into the new school year, but it is not launch time yet. So that pent up energy keeps getting funneled into “preparing for school” which probably doesn’t need that much focused energy.

Money. The finances are actually fine. Before the end of the month we’ll have sales from two large conventions. However we’ll also have bills attached to those conventions. My brain keeps trying to reach out and do future math to balance estimated sales against probable bills. The truth is that my inner financial squirrel is never happy unless she has enough money stashed away to pay all of the incoming bills for the entire rest of the year.

Laundry.

Gardening. I thought I’d do a better job of getting outside regularly to keep my few flower beds under control. Instead they’re currently overgrown and weedy. This makes me alternately sad and grouchy.

Organization in various stages of completion. I’m still in process on a lot of organizational tasks. Unfortunately this means that I have boxes or objects stacked in odd corners around my house waiting for me to find the time to send them to their final destinations.

Cleaning. I did lots of cleaning in the past few weeks. Unfortunately the new cleanliness of some areas makes me see the mess in other areas. I keep seeing it and I keep not getting around to getting it done.

Writing. For the most part my writing brain is locked down so tight I can’t even see what is in there. I keep feeling like I ought to be opening it up. I ought to be airing out those thoughts and starting to mentally prepare for the writing retreat at the end of September. But digging into that tight knot feels difficult and scary. I’m afraid that it will be pandoras box, filled with all sorts of emotional stuff that I’ll have to dodge, manage, or internalize.

My brain continues to spin trying to convince me that I chose wrong in deciding to go to the retreat.

Link has turned another developmental corner. He and I spent over an hour last night talking about friends and friendship. Link is beginning to learn that the shape of his childhood friendships is no longer enough. He needs friends he can talk to about grown up things, but he is only just learning how to do that. I’m completely confident that he will work this out and find his people. He may even discover that many of his childhood friends are his people. But the process is going to be difficult and I can’t make it any easier. I just get to watch, throw out advice where he can grab it if he wants, and then wait for him to sort it out himself.

I need to go to the doctor for another thyroid check up. I don’t want to have to deal with it. I just want to find medical stability and hide there for awhile. I want a month where no one has illnesses or pain. I want a month without an excess of psychology to navigate. I want calm, order, and work done.

Food. Why can’t healthy food just materialize in front of me without me having to think it up and perform the work necessary to bring it into being?

Next week I’m expecting four hundred pounds of t shirts. I’m going to have to turn around and ship about half of those out to customers. So next week is a big shipping week. The GenCon shipments are all done, but World Con shipments also need to go out asap. I keep kicking myself for not getting the WorldCon shipping done last Monday when I meant to do it. All week long a piece of my brain has been berating me for not getting it done.

There is probably more, but I’ve got children hovering and asking what I’m going to make for dinner.

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Lessons Learned Because of a Water Park Pass

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We were given family passes to the local water park as a Christmas gift. These passes also include other area attractions, so we’ve been putting them to good use. However the existence of the passes meant that I had to find the energy and mental fortitude to brave the crowds at the local water park. We did and had a good time. After the first trip the kids spent the trip home full of plans for the next time. Today was our next time. We went again and had fun again, but several interesting things happened. The kids did not feel intense about getting to do every single new thing. They were much more willing to settle down with a preferred activity. As a result we didn’t have to do as much negotiating. Also, when it was time to leave, the kids didn’t argue. They remembered last time, how crowded and hot things got as the afternoon progressed. Going home was just the end of this outing, not the last view of the water park forever.

It got me thinking about scarcity and expense. When a trip to the water park is a rare event, there is pressure to make the most of it. This is particularly true if the expense is high relative to the budget. A once-per-year special trip is more likely to be filled with stress, crankiness, and sunburns as everyone stays longer than optimal for enjoyment. As I walked out of the park, I could see it in the faces of the other park visitors. Some of them were determined others relaxed. I’m becoming quite enamored of multiple relaxed trips instead of once-in-a-lifetime special trips. On the way home the kids joked and laughed about food. They were not full of plans for next time. In fact, a couple of the kids said that they actually prefer regular swimming pools. This was music to my ears, because I do too. This is why in all the years previous to this one, we’ve not gone to the water park. Now the kids know that this is not something to lament. A couple of water park trips are enough for a good long while.

The other thing I learned is that I don’t like to go down slides backwards. I much prefer to see where I’m going so that I can anticipate all the dips turns and drops. This should not surprise me as I spend so much of my life trying to anticipate what comes next.

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Bits and Pieces

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Grief is stored in small, odd places. I bid my sister and her family farewell this afternoon. We hugged and I cheerfully waved as they loaded into the car. It was an hour later that I wandered into my kitchen to clean up and found the plastic cups with their names written on them in sharpie. (It cuts down on the “all the glasses are dirty” problem if everyone has an assigned cup.) As I threw the cups into the trash it hit me that they are gone far away and it will be a long time before I see them again. I miss them already, even while being glad to have my office back. I can cheerfully wave goodbye to the people, but throwing old cups in the trash makes me cry. Go figure.

I bought a cat carrier today. I have no plans to take my cat anywhere. I’m pretty sure she would not like the carrier at all. However last month when people all over Utah were being evacuated from their homes due to fires, I realized that in an emergency the only way we’d have to evacuate our cat would be in a cardboard box. Also, at some point we are likely to need to transport her to a vet. So now we have a carrier that will stay folded up next to our 72 hour emergency kits. Sometime in the next ten years I’ll either be really grateful to have it, or will finally know that I could have used that money for something else.

My house is really quiet. The kids have all retreated into electronic games and books. We all need some introvert time. Next week Gleek ventures out to an away from home camp and Patch has a half-day lego camp all week. My house will feel empty. I will probably spend that emptiness shipping t-shirts as they are due to arrive next Tuesday. For now, I’m trying to re-configure my house and my brain to focus on convention prep and school prep instead of extended family bonding.

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Thyroid again and a Conversation with Howard

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Disrupted sleep. Easily stressed. Restless when awake. More than usual hair loss. Increased anxiety. Feeling like I’m neurotic/crazy.

It is time to get my thyroid tested.
Again.
Then it is time to talk to my doctor and see if he believes in the spontaneous healing of a thyroid gland a decade after it was damaged. I’m half convinced that the gland is still failing, it is just headed for hyperthyroid territory after dwelling in hypothyroid land for a decade. If it is, I’ll deal. We’ll treat the thing and I’ll be back on thyroid meds in higher doses. I’d just like to stabilize for more than four months in a row.

In happier thoughts, a conversation I just had with Howard:

Me: Our anniversary is on Sunday. This year you won’t be away at GenCon. That’s kind of nice.
Howard: It is. What do you want to do for it?
Me: Be married.
Howard: Again? We’ve done that for the last ninteen years.
Me: Yeah, I know. But I like it. It makes me happy.
Howard: Okay. We’ll do that.

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Parenting in View of Others

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Spending time with relatives is sociologically interesting. My siblings and I were all raised in the same house by the same parents, yet there are some significant differences in how we parent our own children. Some of this can be attributed to natural divergence. Because we are each different people, we experienced growing up in different ways and learned different lessons as a result. The influence of spouses is huge in determining how kids are raised. The most fascinating aspect for me is trying to figure out which differences in parenting spring from the children themselves. My children and their cousins are distinct individuals and thus have trained their parents in different ways.

I am not the only one who observes these differences in parenting method. Sometimes I feel self conscious about this when my kids are not displaying their best behavior. Gleek wields anger as a shield. Her first reaction to stress is to be angry and assertive. As a result I’ve developed a host of parenting strategies centered around preventing anticipating angry outbursts and preventing them, or for controlling them and managing them when they occur. For years I worried that I was handling this wrong, but lately Gleek has matured and is co-opting these tools as her own. She is managing herself instead of me having to do it for her. That is a huge parenting success in my book. Yet one of my relatives did not comprehend the dynamics of Gleeks anger. Her kids did not explode in that manner and in all seriousness she asked “Can’t you train that out of her?”

I’m afraid my mind jittered to a halt and I was grateful that the conversation turned elsewhere, because the question was shaped in a way that expressed a miscomprehension of what was going on with Gleek. Gleek is not an angry person by nature. She is a highly empathetic and sensitive person. Often she gets angry because she is afraid that she is a bad person and does not want anyone else to see it. Being angry hurts less than being sad. If the anger comes from insecurity, then punishing her for angry behavior will only increase the insecurity and the anger. Instead we have to let her use the tools that come naturally to her. We weather the anger while making sure that it is not expressed in ways that do harm. Then when the storm has passed I help Gleek look into her mind and heart to find the real source of the emotion. This methodology means that sometimes there are public scenes with private resolutions. It means that other people witness the hard bits without fully comprehending the extent of the follow-up. Are there better ways to parent Gleek? Maybe, but this is the best way I’ve found. We’re making it up together as we go along.

I have similar parenting loops for each of my kids, they need different things from me and I strive to give them what they need. Sometimes this means that I spend time in a public space looking like a horrible parent. I can live with that though I never enjoy it. I try to remember it when I observe the decisions of other parents. I see my siblings and the disciplines they give to their children and sometimes I think I would not use the tactic that they are using. Yet if I feel inclined to judge, I try to stop myself and remember I am not seeing the whole picture. The public part of parenting is the tip of the iceberg and there are many ways to get it right.

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