Anxiety Under Stress

The first day of Penguicon was fantastic. I spent the entire day having fascinating conversations with amazing people. Then I climbed into bed and my brain kept running for an hour, trying to sort everything. Just as I drifted off to sleep I snapped awake with an overload of mommy guilt. It only lasted for a few minutes, but during those minutes I was shaky and almost in tears. It was focused on being away from the kids, but it was really the result of too much input and not enough down time.

I was similarly shaky at the end of the convention. We were all packed and sitting at the restaurant, waiting for time to depart to the airport. A very perceptive friend asked if I was okay. I wasn’t really. I was holding on to calm and repressing the person in the back of my brain who wanted to curl into a ball and cry. Again it was the result of too much input and too little processing time. But I did not want to miss even a moment of visiting with friends whom I see far too seldom.

Last night I snapped awake at 1 am in a panic because I have not yet shipped things to GenCon. I have three months until GenCon. There is plenty of time to ship books there. But it took me several minutes to claw my way in to sufficient consciousness to remember that fact. The real problem is that I have an overload of things to do and most of them are both urgent and important. So instead of taking a couple of days to unpack and re-organize after Penguicon, I am trying to dive straight into all of the things to do. So far it is not working well. I’m getting things done, but it is all stressy and fragmented. If I can get myself focused I can dig out from under. But it is hard to become focused with so much looming.

The result is a latent anxiety waiting to pounce upon me. It is stress manifesting as fear. Fretting out all the details of what will happen if I fail is not nearly so useful as just getting stuff done so that I won’t fail. Also, the thinking in circles is made of unhelpful.

The good news is that my head is getting steadily clearer. I’m actually being able to blog some of the Penguicon stuff to get it out of my head. The luggage has been unpacked and stowed. I’m starting to wrap my head around the at home things. As I do, the anxiety subsides and I see that I really can do this.

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Finance for Freelancers

While at Penguicon I moderated a panel called “Finance for Freelancers” with co-panelists Tobias Buckell and Catherine Shaffer. I wasn’t intending to moderate, but I was foolish enough to be the first one to ask who would be the moderator. Having everyone introduce themselves and tell why they became freelancers gave me just enough time to scribble a few notes so I could direct the discussion.

I feel like the whole thing went very well, due in large part to the wealth of experience that Toby and Catherine were able to share. It is a joy to moderate a panel of competent people who know how to make their points concisely. I learned some things and I felt like we shared useful information with the audience. I wish I had a transcript to post, but I can remember a few highlights. What follows is loosely connected notes from the panel:

The insecurity of not having a paycheck: All three of us agreed that the idea of freelancing sounded really scary when we were at the beginning of it, but that after doing it for a few years we all feel more secure in our incomes than we did before. This security comes as the result of having many different sources for income. When one contract dries up, the others carry you until you can pick up another contract to fill the financial gap. Both Catherine and Toby talked about having the ability to stop working for people who are difficult and how that contributes to contentment.

Health insurance: Toby gets insurance through his wife. Catherine has been getting it through her husband, but is considering cutting free of that. Like freelancing, the idea of searching for health insurance is scary, but once you get into it the fear goes away and it is merely expensive. Toby made the point that the price of health care needs to be calculated on top of what you need to pay your bills. This is part of the calculation you make to figure out how much money you need to bring in as a freelancer to make ends meet.

Organization: I spoke a little about organizing time. I have an assigned accounting day once per week where I look at my accounts. During the early years there were some weeks when I merely glanced because there wasn’t anything else to do, but I still kept the accounting appointment. We all talked about how it is important to keep the business accounts separate from the personal accounts. There was some variance about when a freelancer should incorporate, but Catherine quoted a $40,000 per year figure after which it is really to your financial advantage to be incorporated. Catherine uses a free financial management program to track her money (I can’t remember the name.) I use Quicken/Quickbooks. Toby uses Excel. All of us stated the importance of being able to do reports based on the financial numbers so that the freelancer can see where money is coming from and make good predictions for the next few months or years.

An additional note on organization: I think this point was made in a different panel, but it fits here. Creative people often have a learned helplessness when it comes to business organization. They don’t like thinking about numbers and they tell themselves that they can’t do it. Business thinking and financial organization can be learned. I taught it to myself. Over years of practice I got pretty good at it. Organization can be learned. Good financial record keeping can be learned. These things can be just as much a habit as putting on pants in the morning.

I know there was other good information in the panel. I may add it as I think about it. I’ll reiterate what I said in the panel, if you’re considering being a freelancer, you should check out Toby’s blog. He talks about this stuff and does seriously useful number crunching.

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Post-Con Crash Day

Prior to Penguicon I wrote tasks on my to do list for today. This was foolish. Apparently pushing myself to the point of shaky fatigue at the con, followed by hours of plane travel, followed by a short night’s sleep, followed by six hours of driving split into two pieces, followed by a poor night’s sleep, all of it turns today into a crash day instead of a productive one. I know I’m in a crash day when I’m walking up the stairs and part of my brain tells me that we should just lay down on them instead.

I did have a brief spurt of energy for one hour. During that time I went through all my indexed notes and assembled a massive list of things to do. I’m reasonably certain I’ve now collected all of it into one place. This is important because many of those things have deadlines this week. All those things I did not have to worry about until May are now looming large.

I want to drift and relax and recover, but I’m not sure I’ll get to do any of that between now and July when we ship out books.

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Writing Excuses: Living with the Artist

Two weeks ago we gathered me, Dawn Wells, and Kenny Pike together to record a podcast where we talk about living with an artist/author. That podcast went live yesterday. You can listen to it here:

Writing Excuses 4.17: Living with the Artist

It was so much fun to record and I feel like we barely scratched the surface of the issues. Everyone should go listen and beg for more so I get to hang out with the Writing Excuses spouses again.

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Retrieve the kids day

Four hours of plane travel and three hours of solo driving was almost enough time for me to index all the thoughts and experiences I had at Penguicon. Throughout the convention my brain kept grabbing things and storing them for examination later. In my regular life this system works very well. But one of the few things the convention lacked was contemplative time. As a result my thought storage buffer was packed too tightly for me to see anything. I had to sit staring at nothing, listening to nothing, waiting for things to drift across the middle, then I’d scribble them down in my notebook. I call it stalking my brain. It is interesting for me to flip through the book and see how the early pages are all fragments, but the last pages are coherent thoughts with the beginnings of analysis. It is all indexed and noted. Over the next week I’ll be either putting things into use or long term storage.

The kids pile-hugged me as soon as they realized I had arrived. I can’t think of a happier place than the middle of that hug, no matter where that hug may takes place. The only thing it lacked was a Howard. He stayed home to sleep off the convention so he can get back to work tomorrow. I’ll be sleeping off convention slowly over the course of the week, while also trying to wrap my head around May’s list of things.

After the first hug, the kids went back to their movie while I visited with my sister-in-law. Occasionally they would come for more hugs. I watched them. They were glad to see me, glad to be going home, but there were no signs of stress. My trip away was actually beneficial rather than the reverse. The bonds between them are stronger and they have a little more confidence in their eyes. This was really good to see, because I received a couple of mid-convention phone calls from tired kids which had me concerned. They definitely had some child sized crises while I was gone, but they banded together and managed them without Howard or me there.

The trip home was uneventful. Howard had dinner waiting for us, which was another reason we left him home. Now I have a front room full of luggage to sort and put away. In a short while I will need to gather the children and attempt to restore a normal bedtime so that we can get back into the swing of school tomorrow.

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Home

Home home home home home home home.

It even smells right.

Although the decision to turn off the heat while we were gone appears to have been a mistake. It began blowing snow shortly after we departed. Things were a bit chilly on our return, but they’re warming up nicely.

Also.
Home.

Tomorrow is retrieve the kids day.

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The morning of the third day at Penguicon

I think it is a sign of a very good convention when I am so busy that I do not have time to blog. It means I am fully occupied with the present and not narrating it. But the absence of meta-examination in my life can only be a short term thing. It cuts me adrift from the things which center me. Just a moment ago I realized that today is Sunday and suddenly I longed to be at home attending church.

This convention has contained everything I hoped for and then some. I now have tucked away in my memory exactly the kinds of conversations that I used to covet when Howard would come home from conventions and describe them to me. They are mine and I shall treasure them because it will be a long time before I have a similar experience. The home conventions are like family reunions, comfortably and energizing. This one challenges me, makes me think, and lets me come to know people I’ve long admired.

I’m going to have a lot to unpack when I get home, and I’m not talking about luggage. I’m filling the edges of my brain without a chance to process anything. Time to get back to it, I have a panel soon.

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Penguicon arrival day

It turns out that last night’s chipper mood was not caffeine induced, because it continued into today. When Howard commented on it, I replied that I was just floating from the removal of crushing responsibility. That’s what vacations are for, right? The fact that this vacation is going to be exhausting does not change the fact that it still represents a large sideways step from my regular life.

It was blowing snow at the Salt Lake Airport. This delayed our flight by 45 minutes. We sat next to a guy who was headed to Detroit to be part of a film crew. He’d come from LA and was very nervous about taking off in the snow. Howard and I had a great conversation with him for about half the trip. I love it when we meet cool people by chance. He and Howard got to talk audio engineering. We all got to talk movies. It made the flight much more enjoyable.

So now I’m here at Penguicon. The convention does not open until tomorrow, but the first guests are here along with much of the convention staff. The first official event was a dinner. Howard and I deliberately sat at different tables. This was in part as an effort for the pair of us to visit with more people. It also forced me to speak up and make my own connections. And it was fun.

One of the things I like most about conventions is that I can sit beside someone for an hour and then suddenly it clicks and I realize exactly who they are. Cherie Priest of Boneshaker sat next to me at dinner, telling funny stories on an ex-boyfriend. Patrick Rothfuss sat across from me and told stories about funny interactions on the internet. The table was rounded out by Yanni Kuznia (head of the literary track), Aaron Thul (registration), Dave Kletcha (writer and fellow codexian) and me.

It is easy to feel insecure at conventions. I sat at the table listening to story after story, and I realized that I’d not said a word in at least thirty minutes. This is fairly normal for me. I’m a conversational lurker, but silence doesn’t help me build connections. New friends are one of the joys of conventions. Fortunately the conversations drifted into topics where I had some stories to tell, so I was able to contribute to the amusement of all.

I’m afraid my posts are going to be a little fragmented over the next few days. That happens with conventions.

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Road Trip Day

The last two Augusts I have gone with Howard to Worldcon, leaving the kids with relatives. Both times I felt very conflicted and stressed about leaving them. This internal turmoil found physical expression in a small pile of packages that I gave to them. They were to open the packages whenever they felt sad or lonely. The packages had dollar store items. What really happened was that the kids opened all the packages on the first day and then managed their emotions just fine on all the other days. They’re not much for delayed gratification. The truth was that the packages were as much for me as for them. I was harboring lots of guilt about the amount of emotional energy that I was spending on things other than them.

I just got back from dropping the kids off with relatives. This trip has been remarkably angst free. I did give them each one package to open. They each got a new book, but mostly because I think having a new book when mom and dad do conventions is a nice tradition. This time I’m not vainly attempting to compensate for anything because I’ve been giving lots of energy to the kids these past 8 months.

I left the kids in a house full of cousins. As a bonus, they managed to supply a litter of six week old kittens. The kittens are a little wild and so my kids will get to participate in gentling them. When I left Kiki had made a sort of a cave with her long sweater. All five kittens were curled up inside and peeking out at the other kids. They only gave me the most cursory of hugs. I only felt a vague awareness that I am going to miss them.

I love that I have relatives where I can just hand the kids over with no special instructions other than “Oh this one currently has pink-eye, here’s the bottle of eye drops.” My sister-in-law did not bat an eye. She just answered that one of hers had pink-eye too, so remembering the drops would be easy. I really wanted to stay and visit. It has been far too long, but I had a three hour drive ahead of me. I did not dare linger too long.

I was worried about driving three hours solo. But it turns out that caffeine perks me right up. Really up. Singing at the top of my voice kind of up. Of course I’ve been home for over an hour and I think the up may just barely be wearing off enough that I can sleep. This is good, because tomorrow I get on a plane to Penguicon where I’ll get to visit with old friends, meet online friends, and meet new people who will become friends. It will be good.

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Convention week

My day contained tulips, suitcases, new books, a house filled with small friends, and snuggles.

Tomorrow will have school, packing, and hours of driving.

Thursday I will spend on a plane.

I’ve been looking forward to this week and now I need to slow down and absorb it.

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