Today’s Notes

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Facebook Status:
Dear Children, Monday is not the best day for you to get sick, as your mother is too busy working to be very sympathetic. I suggest you select Thursday next time.

Schedule note:
There is no such thing as a “quick errand” when snow is falling and the snow plows are awol.

Observation:
When movies and video games are forbidden, two semi-sick kids will find ways to occupy themselves quietly by reading and writing stories. There will be a period of squabbling, but then they will break out the legos and spend nearly two hours experimenting with making and spinning lego tops.

In the category of miraculous occurrences:
Kiki cheerfully scheduled her afternoon and managed her homework sans drama. Perhaps the two hour long battle last Wednesday was worth it.

Note to floral department at Albertsons:
If you want to sell flowers in winter, try stocking brightly colored ones. The last thing I want is white flowers, which make me think of the six inches of slow I had to slog through just to arrive at the store.

Parental Judo at it’s best:
For family activity have a lesson on teamwork while the entire family cooperates to mix up a brownie fudge cake. Then use the baking time to split the family into teams and assign them rooms to clean up. The lesson on teamwork and the promise of a treat can get two rooms clean in less than 30 minutes.

Addendum: Now figure out how to make them excited about cleaning the rest of the house.

Additional house cleaning addendum: They might do better about keeping things clean if you offered a better example. Have you looked at your office or bedroom lately?

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Only the Herdmans were missing

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At our church Christmas party the children were taken in groups to participate in a little nativity play. The casting was very simple. To one side of the room was a bin full of multiple costumes for each part. Kids declared which part they wanted to play and the costumes were distributed. Then the costumed children then stood while a man read out an abbreviated version of the biblical account of the birth of Christ.

When it was my kids’ turn to participate, Joseph stepped forward with three Marys. They shuffled their way over to the single manger and then faced the logistical dilemma of placing three dolls in it. The resulting compromise was to stack the Baby Jesuses like cord wood. Next came a small herd of be-dish-toweled shepherds. Each carried a small stuffed sheep. The stuffed sheep proved to be excellent missiles for knocking the tinsel halos off of the angels. Last to shuffle forward were the two wise men. Apparently turbans and boxes are not as exciting as dish towels and sheep.

All the actors huddled around the manger with their backs to the audience. There was much nudging and shuffling as the story was read. Several angels ran to parents for halo replacement. From the middle of the crowd a sheep made a ballistic arc to land on the floor and then had to be retrieved. I pulled out a notebook and began to take notes. It was either that or give in to a fit of giggles. I pondered whether the whole affair was a tad sacrilegious. I mean Joseph looked like a polygamist standing up there with three Marys.

Then the program reached a point where everyone was invited to sing. By the second measure of Silent Night both the audience and actors had stilled. Suppressed giggles from the audience subsided and even the sheep stopped flying through the air. I watched as the youngest Mary reached out and tenderly touched the head of her Baby Jesus doll. For just a moment it was perfect and beautiful.

Then the song ended and chaos renewed. But the sheep didn’t fly quite as hard or as fast. The audience was still smiling, but less inclined to giggle. Despite the amusement it was a very good pageant indeed. No one was excluded or shoved into a role they didn’t want. Everyone had a chance to huddle close and contemplate the religious center of the Christmas season. I looked again at Joseph, and his three Marys, and the babies stacked in the manger. It was all just as it should be.

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Pleasant Saturday

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I really want to take the title for this post and draw great big arrows pointing to it with exclamation marks. I can not remember the last time that Saturday was pleasant. I think it might have been sometime during the summer. Maybe. Mostly Saturdays have been chaotic and full of squabbling. By early afternoon I’m ready to flee from the house. Only I usually can’t because my house is full of neighbor children playing with my children.

But today was pleasant. Peaceful. I am trying to deconstruct where the difference lay so I can repeat the experience in future Saturdays. It wasn’t lack of neighbor children because those were here in abundance. Nor was it some edict from me about cleaning the house and banning video games. Our house is still cluttered and the sounds of repetitive game music abound. I can only find three things about today that are markedly different from other recent Saturdays.

1. Gleek was focused on playing nicely and being a good sister. This means that an accidental injury in the course of playing was met with sympathy and care rather than indignant protests that it was not her fault. Also she provoked no one and was accommodating to other people’s ideas.

2. I went to the gym. This got me out of the house and invigorated. I’ve exercised three times this week. I don’t think it is a coincidence that my mood has been better.

3. Kiki got herself out of bed. Then she proceeded to do her chores and get started on her homework without me commanding any of it.

All of these things are wonderful, but only #2 is in my control. So I’ll be getting myself to the gym more regularly and just cross my fingers that the kids will decide that being kind and responsible are more fun than the other options.

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Change works best inside out

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Gleek has been wrestling with many complicated emotions. Her inner turmoil leads her to run fast, play hard, and be a bit demanding of her playmates. This frequently leads to conflict with those playmates, which creates more inner turmoil. There are brief windows of time when she is ready to talk about her feelings and sort through them. Usually these times happen inconveniently, when we’re headed out the door to school, or when it is already past bedtime and I’m trying to get her to lay down, or when three other kids are all needing things from me at the same time. I try to listen as best I can while still addressing the other tasks at hand. Her inner turmoil is comprised of loneliness, a feeling that something is missing, sadness, and a desire to be more connected with people. The times she is picking to try to discuss them with me are conducive to adding to the feelings rather than resolving them.

This evening she sat me down and very sadly told me that she doesn’t feel like Kiki loves her and that she feels like our family is breaking apart, like we’re not a real family. My first internal reaction was a tired frustration. I spend an awful lot of time trying to build family togetherness and relationships. Here was my child telling me that my efforts had been fruitless for her. A split-second later the frustration was followed by the knowledge that I just need to listen to Gleek. She feels what she feels. She feels it regardless of the things I have done which I think should make her feel differently. So I listened. I asked questions. I tried to get the full picture of what she felt was wrong. As I did, I also tried to think how I should handle this.

The “how should I handle this” question is one that I’ve been asking a lot. I’ve been presented with so many “thises” to handle of late. Just in the past 24 hours I’ve had 2 major (multi-hour) and at least 10 minor (30 min or less) behavioral problems to address. Right now peaceful play is rare. When the kids are at home, I am constantly helping, negotiating, and disciplining. I know this time is temporary. The kids are just simultaneously in developmental stages when they are challenging everything around them. The stages will pass. Things will settle down. But I can’t help feeling like the challenging developmental stages are like watershed moments in a child’s life. It sets the course for what comes next. So I put pressure on myself to get it right, to make sure that the necessary lessons are learned; the lessons which will serve the kids well in the future.

Gleek’s tale of woe wound to a close. I didn’t have a solution for her, so I simply asked what she thought she should do about it. I’ll admit that the question was stalling for time. But the moment it was out of my mouth, I realized that it was the answer. I elaborated for Gleek, explaining that we have no power to change other people, we can only change ourselves. If Gleek wants her relationships to be different, then she needs to do something different. I don’t think she liked the answer at first, but she listed a couple of changes she could make. Then we got talking about Kiki. Gleek suddenly came alight. She realized that she could do Secret Santa things for Kiki. She could make little crafts and leave them as surprises. Gleek jumped up and began with a paper snowflake. Then I was finally able to maneuver her into bed.

The more I think about this solution, the more I feel like it is the right one. I could run myself completely ragged trying to create events so that Gleek would feel like our family was strong. I could nudge and coerce all the other kids into doing nice things for her. The result would be a still-lonely Gleek and a newly-resentful set of other kids. We already do plenty of things as a family. Our family is strong, if a bit chaotic at the moment. The change needs to be inside Gleek so that she can see it. The best way I can think of for Gleek to feel loved is to teach her to show her love by serving others. When she is focused on helping others feel happy, she will find that she is happy.

This is going to mean more work for me, but I’d rather spend the time helping Gleek do service, than spend the same amount of time breaking up squabbles. I hope it works.

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Hamburgers with Howard

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Howard came home from the grocery store with a pile of fixings. He was in the mood for a really good hamburger. I was drawn into the kitchen to keep him company while he cooked. The shipping could wait for an hour and the kids were all at school. This was a chance for Howard and I to visit. Also, the hamburgers needed two sets of hands. I cleared the counter while Howard prepped the grill and cooking surfaces. As I worked and talked with Howard I was reminded of another occasion when we cooked hamburgers together. It was the week he quit Novell.

Howard had spent the preceding month on a whirlwind set of business trips. He’d come home exhausted and with the knowledge that it was time for him to be done working in that corporate environment. I knew it was past time. I’d watched him stretch himself thinner and thinner trying to keep his product going by sheer force of will. The company kept asking him to accomplish more while simultaneously removing resources. It was killing him and I could see it. I was so glad when he prayed and realized it was time for him to leave. I’d been praying for years that the time would come.

Howard announced his intention to leave and it was astonishing how quickly it came to pass. Within two days everything was tied up and he was done. He had a hard time saying goodbye to his work friends. He had an even harder time packing up his office. Eleven years of commitment and emotional effort had gone into Novell. Howard was besieged by doubts and fears. I was not. I kept calmly assuring him that everything would be okay; that the decision was the right one. He came home on that last day and it was as if a weight had lifted from his shoulders. He was happy, but wrung out.

Then next day was when I felt fear. I was suddenly very aware of the bills I would have to pay and the complete lack of income to pay them. There is no severance for people who leave of their own volition. We had savings. It would last us about three months. I remember laying on the couch and feeling the house all around me as if it was a physical weight that I somehow had to carry. I was so scared. It was scary to sit down with the kids and explain to them how our income had changed and what that meant for them. I cried with them that we could no longer afford chicken nuggets. That day it was Howard’s turn to reassure me that everything would be okay.

On the third day Howard made hamburgers. We sat down at the table together. We sat there together at lunch and for the first time I felt joy in the decision to quit. It was a peaceful moment, a promise that the new life we were embarking upon would be better that the one we had just let go.

I thought of that five-years-ago lunch as I ate today’s hamburger. Howard and I sat together at the table and laughed over small things, taking time to enjoy a moment of peace before we both head back to work. The time since that long ago lunch has not been stress-free. There have been tears and terrors aplenty. But I was right. This life has been better. We have been happier, even during the times when we have to scramble to keep all the ends together.

And the burgers are really good.

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Building a Community

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I recently wrote a blog post in which I discussed the wonderful neighborhood community in which I live and how holiday celebrations enhance that community. There were several responses to the post, but one in particular struck me. The commenter expressed envy because she does not have a loving community and wishes that she did. Over the next weeks I kept thinking about that comment. I also spent time thinking about how communities are formed, how they thrive, how they can wither, and what can kill them. I combed through my experiences with communities of friends, Science Fiction convention attendees, writers, mothers, neighbors, church members, role playing gamers, Schlock fans, and youth leaders. My experiences with communities have taught me that communities and friendships are the result of nurturing and effort. Occasionally they spring into being effortlessly, but more often they are built and must be maintained. I fed all my observations into my analysis of the formation of community and I think that I have identified some conditions which can be used to nurture a community or even start one from scratch.

Communities are formed on commonalities. The commonality can be a location such as a town or neighborhood. It can be a school or church. It can be centered around a hobby or pursuit or aspiration. Whatever this hub for the community may be, it needs to be something that the community members care about. It needs to be part of their self identity. Getting people to emotionally invest in a community requires that they buy into the commonality and help form a shared identity

Communities thrive on proximity. The proximity can be either physical (as in a neighborhood) or virtual (as online) but the community members need to be able to bump into each other frequently. Lots of small contacts make people feel familiar much more quickly than widely spaced extended contacts. It is in the course of small contacts that people share the small details of their lives and which engage other people to respond, help, and care.

Communities require the cooperation of multiple people. One person can not create a community out of sheer force of will. If all the connections run to the community founder it is a contact chain, not a true community. Communities are like a mesh with connections running every direction. One person can do much to encourage the mesh to develop, but other people must also participate.

Community connections strengthen when members have multiple points of contact. This can be multiple settings or multiple conversational topics. All people are multi-faceted and they feel closer to people with whom they can share more than a single facet of who they are. This is a major reason why parties and celebrations can be so important to communities. The celebration takes the members outside their habitual spaces and encourages them to find atypical topics for conversation.

Communities based on acceptance and understanding have more durability. In theory a community can define itself by those it excludes, but exclusion introduces an element of fear. Community members must worry if they will one day also be excluded. Exclusion makes communities brittle and inclined to fracture. A community based on respect and acceptance allows the members to feel safe. People who feel safe are much more likely to emotionally invest in the community.

Communities have rules. The rules are important for defining how the community is to function. The rules may be very stringent or relaxed. They may be codified and set out clearly for all members to see. If rules are codified, communities flourish best if there is also a codified process for altering the rules as needed. Communities without codified rules have implied rules about how the members will treat one another.

Communities must police themselves. Sometimes a person enters a community and proceeds to behave in a way that creates contention or breaks rules. It may be open confrontation or it may be subversive and hidden. This person is the proverbial rotten apple which has the potential to spoil the whole barrel. In order to keep the community strong, this person must be managed. Ideally the person’s power to hurt the community is removed, while leaving open the option for the person to stay. Sometimes the contentious person must be evicted from the community in order to prevent further damage.

Communities prosper when the members work to build them. People are more emotionally invested where they have spent their effort. The fastest way to bond someone to a community is for them to feel needed in a community building job. Make work will not do it. The fastest way to become a part of a community is to volunteer. Spreading out the work among members also reduces the risk of members being overburdened or burned out.

Communities grow stronger when members are willing to take emotional risks. People can not feel connected when they are concerned with defending themselves from pain. When one community member is brave and opens up emotionally to share their life, other community members will respond in kind. Such opening up is always a risk, but when the risk is taken and responded to kindly, the community bonds strengthen. This risk does not have to be a huge baring of souls. It can be as simple as breaking the ice by introducing a topic of conversation.

Communities thrive when they don’t keep score. There is no problem with the community structure being built around a system that encourages people not to take advantage of others. But if the community spends too much energy make sure that the scales of cost and benefit are exactly even for each member, it introduces division and contention. Communities which encourage members to pay forward rather than back tend to be the longest lasting. Freeloaders should be addressed using the community policing policy.

Communities take time. They take time from each individual member who must spend it on community connections and events. They also take time to develop and grow. Occasionally communities form very quickly, but generally they grow slowly from few connections to many, from weak connections to strong. Trust in the community grows and traditions form. Over time the members begin to depend upon the community and turn to it in times of stress. Communities can also wane and die by the same passage of time. The growth or diminishment of a particular community is dependent upon the actions of its members.

Communities may or may not have a clear leader. Either way can work, but the presence of a community leader changes the internal dynamics of a community. If there is a leader, that person has great power over the community and a responsibility to act in ways that will help the community thrive.

Communities must allow for members to leave peacefully. People have only so much time and energy allotted to them. They must choose where best to spend it. Sometimes this means that people need to depart from communities. Other times conflict between members will precipitate a departure. If the departing member is let go peacefully, they are much more likely to return when the departure conditions have subsided. Additionally a peaceful departure process helps other members feel comfortable that they are not trapped in a place where only a major upheaval can get them out.

The list is not comprehensive and perhaps some of the points are arguable, but as a jumping off point for discussions about community I think this list serves well. It occurs to me that these same conditions can be applied to fostering a friendship with an individual. I’m interested in other people’s thoughts on community as well. What have you noticed that I haven’t listed here?

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My things in piles

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My facebook status this morning proclaimed that I had clawed my way through an enormous pile of email and was ready to tackle an enormous pile of shipping. The statement was accurate, but due to the short space requirements, incomplete. Also pending was a big pile of accounting, a big pile of laundry, and a big pile of dishes. Things do tend to stack up when I step outside my usual round of tasks for a holiday weekend.

Oddly this accumulation of things to do feels like an interesting challenge rather than a burdenous slog. My triumphant feeling about the email was repeated upon the completion of the shipping. That’s as far as I got before the kids got home and rearranged my priorities. The rest of today will be spend housekeeping and mommying. I just hope I can keep up this energetic streak so that I can tackle more piles tomorrow.

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Part of a larger picture

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There are some days where events fit together as part of a much larger picture.

The speaker in church talked much on personal revelation, that we each can receive inspiration to direct our actions and guide our lives. This is something I believe in strongly. I’ll admit that I was only giving the speaker half of my attention, as the rest of my attention was on Gleek’s artistic explorations into cross hatching. The kids require lots of encouragement to remain non-disruptive. But in the midst of showing Gleek the different effects that can be achieved by cross hatch density, I suddenly found myself listening with full attention. The speaker spoke of building life habits around seeking inspiration. This is something I’ve tried to do in my life. Because of it there have been times when I have felt clearly and strongly about things I needed to do or say. Lately it has all been a muddle. I haven’t felt strong or clear about anything. Mostly I’ve just been trusting that part of myself that says “do this next.” There hasn’t been time for quiet thoughts or big perspectives. What came to me while listening to the speaker is that the “do this next” voice can be every bit as inspired as the quiet, calm, perspective-driven decisions. I’ve trained myself to recognize and respond to that quiet inner voice. It makes sense that I would keep responding even when there isn’t much time for thought. I also realized that I miss having the larger perspective. If I want it back, I need to carve out some time for it to exist in. I resolved to do some quiet thinking during the rest of church while I was away from the kids.

Quiet thought during church was not to be. Instead I was asked to be a last minute substitute for the primary class that I used to teach. I agreed without a qualm. I love those kids and I know that they really need someone who understands the particular personalities involved. The class had gotten more challenging, not less. Later in the evening I spoke with my backyard neighbor who is their regular teacher. We got to compare notes and discuss the needs. The conversation was helpful in spinning ideas about how to help the kids in the class. It sparked ideas both in her and in me about things that could be done to further help. That conversation would not have happened without me being willing to drop my plan for quiet contemplation.

Directly after church our home teacher came to visit with us. Home teaching is one of the community building activities of our church. Men are paired up and assigned families to visit once per month. This builds friendships and also provides a conduit for information and help in times of need or crisis. We don’t often need much from our home teachers, so the visits tend to be a social visit with a lesson attached. The home teacher arrived and his lesson was tailored just for our family. He spoke about burdens and engaged all of the kids in the discussion. He touched on all the angles that Kiki needs when contemplating school. He gave Gleek direct attention and praise, which she needs. His lesson even let me share my story about the handful of meal and a little oil, that we can somehow give of ourselves and not turn up empty. It was a really good lesson that answered the needs of several family members. Only he had no idea of the needs he was answering. He had no idea how burdened I’ve felt of late, or how various things he said applied to the various situations of our family members.

So in one day I had an insight which has potential to make my life feel more peaceful. I was given the opportunity to answer a need. Then someone else unknowingly answered needs in our family. These are the times when I can sense the larger picture of which I am only a small piece. It has been a good sabbath.

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Patch’s spaceships

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I was watching Firefly with six year old Patch snuggled up next to me. He loves to watch the space ships. Some of the other stuff in the show was a little scary to him, so I paused the show to explain how it is all pretend. He turned wide eyes to me in disbelief and said “You mean space ships aren’t real?!”

It was like someone had taken away Christmas. I had to explain to him that we do have real space ships, but that they don’t look like the ones in movies. So we googled some pictures of the space shuttle and I told him about it. I told him what I knew about space shuttles and how they work. I told him how my dad dragged us kids out of bed at four in the morning so we could watch space shuttle launches on live television. I told him about watching the space shuttles land at much more convenient west coast hours. I told about the time that the space shuttle was transported via plane over our house and I watched it fly by. I remember what an amazing miracle it was to have a space ship that could be used more than once.

My stories convinced Patch that all was not lost in the space ship department. I wanted to give him more to be excited about, so I went to netflix to find documentaries about space. The documentaries arrived only to disappoint. They were nostalgic and historical. There were images of space ships, but most of the screen time was old guys talking. These documentaries did nothing to make my son excited about real space ships.

This makes me sad, because the fact that human beings travel into space is a miracle. It has become one of those routine miracles that few people pay any attention to. We entertain ourselves with fantastical visions of futures filled with flying cars and space ships when high above us people are orbiting beyond the reach of gravity. If we want our future to include amazingly cool space ships, we need to be making kids excited about space. I wondered at the lack of documentaries explaining to kids what space exploration has done and why it is cool. I wondered at the lack of a Carl Sagan or a Bill Nye or an Adam from the myth Mythbusters to make space science accessible to kids.

Lacking an exciting documentary, I took matters into my own hands. Today we had a family outing to the Hill Air Force Base Aerospace Museum. This museum is devoted primarily to airplanes rather than space ships, but it is worth the trip. We got to walk right up next to hundreds of historical aircraft. The one Kiki loved was the 1948 era plane of the kind used by the “candy bomber” who dropped packages of candy to children during the Berlin airlift. Gleek was creeped out by the mock up of the first atom bomb. It was truly creepy looking even before reading the plaque. Patch was delighted by the whole experience. He would have been happy to wander for hours just looking at the airplanes. But the true joy of the trip for him was the hands on exhibit where he got to climb into a bomber cockpit simulator and play with all the switches. If he’d grinned any wider, his face would have split.

I was once again amazed at the marvel of airplane engineering. I was a little saddened that so much of it is devoted to ever better ways to commit violence. I think that is why the portions devoted to space travel were my favorite. Space ships are all about making sure that no one gets killed. I mused on all of this as I sat waiting for the kids to be ready to leave the hands-on exhibit area. Then I noticed that in the waiting area there was a video playing. It was taking the viewer step by step through a space shuttle launch and doing so interestingly. I asked one of the docents and she told me that the video was The Big Space Shuttle. I have now added that to our Christmas list. It is more similar to How It’s Made than to Bill Nye The Science Guy, but it is much better than the documentaries I found before.

The outing was a success. Patch even acquired a little pewter airplane that he has been playing with all evening. He cornered me to tell me all about it, including the fact that the plane had a giant laser on its back which no one could see, but which could blow up anything.

I don’t know that any of my kids will become scientists or engineers. I don’t know that they will ever work in an industry related to space. But I do know that they will some day vote, and I want them to have some idea of the marvelous accomplishments which have come from the space program. It would be sad to have manned spaceflight come to an end merely because the voting public considers the miracle too routine to be worth funding.

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List of things for tomorrow

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Ship store orders: These have been stacking up in the last two days while I was eating turkey and then digesting it.

Answer email: Ditto

Wash children/clean house: It is time to vaccuum and clean up so that we can face the holidays in cleanliness

Take kids to Hill AFB Aerospace Museum: There’s a longer story involved here. I’ll tell it tomorrow when I can include scenes from the museum.

Pick up Link from BestFriend’s house: Conveniently near the Aerospace Museum

Make sure Kiki gets her homework done: Almost caught up. Almost.

Spend time with Gleek: She’s been feeling neglected lately with all the time I’ve been having to spend on homework for the oldest two.

Spend time with Patch: Ditto.

Put up Christmas tree: Not sure this will actually happen. It depends on how gung ho the kids are to get it done.

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