The day gone by

Today was one of those days where I wonder why Howard puts up with me. Then he reassures me that it really is no trouble, but I don’t believe him. You see, I’m aware that I get totally irrational sometimes. I turn into a ball of raw emotion and make mountains out of molehills. When I’m in the midst of one of these events I honestly believe the molehills are mountains. Then I’ll go crying to Howard and make a mess out of his day as well as mine. Fortunately Howard knows exactly how to hold on to me and listen to me and wait for my senses to return. They usually do within about 24 hours or so.

This morning was not good, by afternoon everything was better. I spent a large part of the afternoon curled up on the couch playing Pokemon Snap on our Wii. I used to play that game when Link was 4 and Kiki was 6. It was fun to play again with Patches and Gleek snuggled up to me just the way their older siblings used to do. It has been a long time since I’ve sat still to play a video game. Fortunately Pokemon Snap is a short enough game that I was able to complete it in about two hours.

Other highlights of the day:

Gleek lost the second of her top front teeth. Now she has a double-wide gap in her smiles. She is extremely pleased with this because now she has a lisp. It won’t last for long though. I can already see the adult teeth poking through. The tooth came out in the middle of our church meeting. This was very exciting and made sitting still very hard for the rest of the meeting.

Howard sat down and snuggled the kids so they could all watch the first episode of the new Doctor Who.

Kiki made lunch for everyone. She made quesadillas. Unfortunately she used the block of Parmesan cheese rather than mozzarella. The result was nasty and no on wanted to eat them, but I really appreciate Kiki’s intention to be helpful.

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Muse in the Pipes

Each year since I started this online journal in 2004, I’ve posted an original story in celebration of my birthday. I’ve been so busy this month that I worried I wouldn’t get one done, but I did. Prior years’ stories can be found on my website.

Muse in the Pipes
By Sandra Tayler

“Well ma’am, you’ve got a terpsichore.” The man stepped back out of Kayla’s shower. He stooped to put the scanning device back into his kit, giving Kayla a full view of the Ghandrachar’s Muses and Familiars logo on the back of his shirt. The label on the front declared his name to be Scott.

“A what? I thought it was a muse.” Kayla peered at the shower wall as if she could see through it to the creature hiding inside. This was absolutely the last time she’d buy something supernatural off of ebay.

Scott began rummaging in the side pocket of his kit. “A terpsichore is a kind of a muse. Now when you called, you said you’re a musician?”

“That’s right. I play cello.” Kayla gestured to her instrument leaning on its stand in the corner.

“Ah, then you should have an erato or an euterpe. Terpsichore is a muse of dance. No wonder she’s been so unhappy.” Scott pulled out a clipboard and handed it to Kayla. “Here is a standard removal contract. It states that you agree to pay our fee and that once the muse has entered our trap it becomes the property of Gandrachar’s. See you’ll need to inital that part before you sign.”

Kayla snorted. “You’re welcome to it. I just want the thing gone. It has done nothing but cause me grief since it arrived two months ago. I can not stand one more flooded shower or toilet. The downstairs neighbors are threatening to have me evicted.” She signed the form with relish and handed it back.

Scott slid the clipboard into his kit and then pulled out a mechanical flower the size of a large mixing bowl. The petals were closed at first, but as Kayla watched he rotated a little crank that caused them to swirl outward as if the flower were blooming. He set the device carefully in the bathroom doorway.

“Now ma’am I’m going to need your help with this. The terpsichore is obviously bonded to you, otherwise it would have left. Only you can draw it out to the trap.”

Kayla nodded. “What do you need me to do?”

“Dance.”

Kayla’s jaw dropped. “You must be joking.”

“No ma’am.” Scott walked across the small living space and shoved her table and chairs against the wall. He gave the couch similar treatment. Then he stood in the middle of the open space and reached out a hand to her.

Kayla crossed her arms tightly. “I don’t dance.” She never did. Not since high school when Lindsay Mason had made so clear to half the freshman class that Kayla could not dance.

Scott studied her a moment, then retrieved an ipod and a small set of speakers from his kit. He turned on a waltz. “Ma’am only your dance can draw her out. If you really want her gone, you must dance.”

Kayla sighed and glanced around her apartment. The blinds were shut. No one would see. She stepped forward and took Scott’s hand. He held it out and placed his other on the small of her back. Kayla set her other hand on Scott’s shoulder.

“Very good ma’am. Now with me. One, two, three. One, two, three.” Scott began to move, gently nudging Kayla’s feet with his when she stepped awry. It was awkward at first, but soon Kayla began to feel the rhythm of the music. She stepped more confidently. Scott used a gentle pressure against her back to pull her out of the single location she had been stomping in. The turn quickened Kayla’s breath and
she remembered a time long ago when she had watched a dance competition.

Kayla had been 7 years old. It was long before Lindsay Mason. She remembered being pressed in the crowd, but peeking through the forest of bodies she had seen glittering swirls of skirts and men in tuxedos drifting around the floor as if blown by the merest breeze. Now, despite the cramped space, she felt as if she were one of those glittering women. Scott twirled her again all the way out to the end of his arm and then back. Kayla pictured herself wearing one of those long skirts that wrapped around her legs. Seven year old Kayla had done the same and spent hours twirling around the house until the jeers of her older brother stilled her dancing feet.

Kayla’s feet were not still now. They skipped across the floor lightly as the music swelled. She smiled up at Scott’s calm face. He looked down and shadow of emotion crossed his. Had that been pity before he schooled his features into blandness? Kayla did not care, she let go of his hands for a pirouette of her own.

Halfway through the third rotation there was a loud CLICK and Kayla stumbled. She tripped over her own feet and her hip slammed into the couch on the way down. Bruised and dizzy she staggered back to her feet.

“What happened?” She asked.

“Your bond to the muse’s inspiration was severed when the trap closed. She belongs to Gandrachar’s now.” Scott walked over to the mechanical flower. Its petals were closed again, but a soft rosy glow flowed and shifted around the edges of the petals. He picked it up gently and began to place it in his kit.

“Wait!” Kayla’s hand reached toward the flower. She’d forgotten that she once loved to dance. She didn’t want to lose it now.

Scott picked up the kit and spoke softly as he walked toward the door. “Ma’am I have to take her away now. If you want her back, you’ll have to come talk with a placement consultant at Gandrachar’s.”

“Placement consultant?” Kayla trailed Scott across the apartment. He paused in the front doorway.

“Yes ma’am. With us you’ll pay a little bit more to get a muse, but we guarantee a good fit.” Scott tipped his head a little as he considered her. “A terpsichore might be right for you after all, but we’ll need to wait a few days for the effects of the inspiration to wear off before you can truly know what you want.” Scott gave her a nod and shut the door behind him.

Kayla turned back to her apartment. The empty space in the center beckoned her and she gave a little twirl. But her feet did not fly. It was not the same.

Kayla’s eyes fell on her cello. She walked to where it sat in the corner. Her fingers caressed its beloved curves. What would it be like if the muse was music instead of dance? Kayla smiled. She would be going to Gandrachar’s in a couple of days.

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My Oasis

When I began the new family schedule I had to re-think bedtime. Gleek and Patches were both having a terrible time staying in bed. They both were afraid of nightmares. To solve the problem I began tucking them into bed and then sitting in the hallway. There is one spot where they can both see me while lying down in bed. At first I spent lots of time asking them not to talk, telling them to lie back down, and fetching things for them. But they quickly settled into the routine. Now it is very common for both of them to be asleep within minutes of laying down in bed.

My first intention was to sit in the hall nightly until the bad dreams subsided. Then I was going to gradually wean them from that need so that I could go do other things. But I’ve discovered that I really enjoy sitting there with my laptop while my kids drift off to sleep. It is a quiet space at the end of a busy day. During that time I read forums, surf blogs, or just write. Lately I’ve found myself looking forward to my time sitting in the hallway. It is a nice change because prior to this I had to finish bedtime before I could have time for myself. Now I’ve blended the two in a way that works.

So here I sit, listening to the soft breathing of sleeping children. In moments like this I can remember how wonderful my life is and how blessed I am to have it. Tomorrow there will be things to do again, but for tonight all the things are done. Tonight I have a little space of time that is mine. I have a little oasis in which business and housework are not allowed. I love having this time.

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Keeping going

In our church the kids sing a song about pioneers which has a chorus about “we are marching, ever marching, marching onward, ever onward.” My life feels like that chorus right now.

Last October through December I was living a high energy, high stress lifestyle. I’ve deliberately stepped away from that. I’ve pared back my away-from-home commitments. However the at-home commitments have doubled or tripled. I’m giving the kids far more time and attention. I’m giving the house more attention. But the largest part is the increase in workload for the Schlock business. With the new merchandise I’ve been spending several hours per day preparing packages for shipping. Since we intend to continue adding merchandise at the rate of at least one new thing per month through July, I expect the shipping chores to increase rather than decrease. It isn’t high energy stress, but it is one thing after another stress. I don’t have to go fast constantly, but I do have to keep on track and keep going.

An additional time consumer is the book layouts that I’m supposed to be working on. I’d planned on getting them done early in the month. Instead I did seemingly endless piles of Tax Preparatory accounting. But the tax accounting is all done now. So today I opened up the layouts for Hold on to Your Horses and really dug into the changes I want to make. None of the individual changes is large, but I discovered that I wanted to make a lot of tweaks. I spent several hours on it this afternoon. It was supposed to be morning hours so that the afternoon could belong to the kids, but shipping and customer support slurped up the whole morning. I have another hour or so of work on it, then I can shoot a pdf off to the artist for approval.

I think I’m actually going to meet my goal of getting Hold on to Your Horses sent off for print by the end of this month. This is both exciting and terrifying. What if I make some horrible mistake in formatting the book, but no one sees it until we’ve shelled out the money and got the books in hand? What if no one buys the book? I ran the numbers and for me to break even, we need to sell 700 books. (It would be 400, but I feel strongly that the artist deserves to get paid for every copy that sells whether or not the project breaks even.) One part of my brain says that of course we’ll be able to sell 700 books. Howard sells that many of his books in the first 24 hours. But another part of me remembers all too clearly that 700 is an astronomically high number of sales for a self-published book. So I’m scared that this project of mine will cost our family money just when we’re trying to create a more stable financial situation.

As soon as I get the files sent off for print, I need to start putting together a website for the book. I need a place to point people when they ask about it. I’ll also need promotional materials like bookmarks. Oh, and of course there is the layout for the next Schlock book that needs to be done as well. So much to do. One thing after another.

Mostly I just move from task to task getting things done. But sometimes I pause and just feel tired. In that moment it all seems impossible. But then I pick up and start moving again. At the end of each day I’ve done a lot, but it is but a sliver compared to what I have yet to do. I would be discouraging except that I have this strong feeling that this burdensome schedule is only going to last for about 6-9 months. I can keep going that long.

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Gleek in School

This past week I’ve been checking in with my kids’ teachers. I’m not really concerned, I just want to have a feel for how life in the classroom is going for them. When I reached Gleek’s teacher I could tell that she wasn’t certain of the reason for my call and she really had nothing specific to say about problems in the classroom. This makes me very happy. It means that Gleek is not one of her problem kids. This is such a relief after last year when Gleek had such a hard time.

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Happy sales

Hurray Howard’s new posters are selling! This means that we don’t have to watch our money slowly dwindle while we struggle to get the next book ready to go. I am very happy about this. We have long needed to do things to make our income more steady. The downside is that I’m personally busier with all the shipping. I suspect that will continue to be true as we add more merchandise to the store. I’ll take busier if it gives me a chance to eliminate some debts and squirrel away savings.

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Stir Crazy

The kids did not have school today. I had a plan for us all to get out of the house so that we wouldn’t drive each other nuts. Then it snowed 8 inches this morning. I braved the snow twice. Once with Gleek to get breakfast donuts. Once with Link and Patches to the dollar store to buy birthday gifts for Gleek. Both times the roads were coated with snow and slippery. We all stayed in for the rest of the day. Unfortunately the trip to the dollar store also resulted in Link becoming the proud owner of a whoopie cushion and three cans of silly string. I’ll just let you picture three of my kids and two neighbor kids shrieking with glee as silly string goes everywhere. There was much clean up. There was much whining about said clean up. There was much grumbling from me when I had to do the post-cleanup clean up. We have 14 foot ceilings and I had to scrape stuff off of them. And then later we were all treated to Link putting on a “fart show.”

I have a nice house, but today it felt far too small.

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A conversation with a voice in my head

You’re giving up your dreams. You lost yourself before, you’re going to do it again.

No I’m not. Having a stable family and a well run home is every bit as much my dream as being a published author. It would be foolish of me to neglect the dream I have, to chase one that I may not be able to obtain. Besides, I have time later, when the kids are older, when this dream has changed, that I can chase other dreams.

You are trapped. You are burdened by hundreds of daily tasks which bore you. You are not free.

Is anyone really? I suppose it is theoretically possible to be free of obligations to others, but most of us are wrapped firmly in a web of interdependency. I stand at the center of a family. I am so wrapped with strings that I must be careful of my movements lest I warp the whole web. But this is MY web. The design is mine and it is beautiful. I do not want a hole in the middle of this beautiful weaving.

But what about that poem, Millie’s Mother’s Red Dress? You’re becoming that mother. The one whose children grow up to be louts because mother never did a single thing for herself. You have to make time for you.

I find it interesting that even taking time for myself becomes something that I do for the good of the children. Apparently not even “time for me” is really just mine. I do take time for myself, both for my sanity and for the benefit of the children. I have little slices of time many times daily. I will not be greedy and stomp my feet wishing for more. Instead I will be patient knowing that there will be the occasional day where I can have my fill. Too much time for myself leaves too many things which are important to me undone.

What about your gift? Your writing can not reach out and help others if you never write.

True. But despite my shift in focus, I haven’t exactly stopped writing. Mostly I’ve been writing blog entries, but that’s still words written. I’m submitting a story for publication tomorrow. I’ve got an outline for a story for next week. Biggest of all, I’m pressing forward with the publication of Hold on to Your Horses. By April I will have a book that I wrote in my hands. The writing isn’t exactly languishing now is it?

But you should…

No. We’re done now. I have better things to do than wallow and fret.

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I’m a panelist!

In four weeks BYU is hosting the annual Life The Universe and Everything Science Fiction and Fantasy symposium. This year I get to a panelist for two discussions. They wanted to put me down for three, but the third one was scheduled for the middle of dinner time on a school night and I had to give that one a miss.

So at 6pm on Friday February 15 I’ll be helping discuss Publishing Fiction on the Internet. Then at 7 pm I’ll be helping discuss Publishing with a Small Press. (Apparently the panel schedulers have decided that I’m a publishing expert. I’ll do my best to pretend they’re right.) I don’t have a specific location for these events other than “somewhere in the Wilkinson Center.” I do know however that it costs nothing to attend and LTUE is boasting both Orson Scott Card and Gail Carson Levine as guests this year. So it’ll be worthwhile to make the trip even if you don’t want to hear me ramble about publishing.

http://www.ltue.org/home.html

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