parenting

This morning Gleek and I had to discuss consequences. Gleek wanted a definition of the word. I found a way to describe it that I really like and will probably use again. It went like this:

Me: If you hold a rubber ball in your hand and you drop it, what happens?

Gleek: It bounces.

Me: Right. The fall and the bounce are the consequences. Once you choose to let go, you also get the fall and the bounce. Now what if you hold something fragile and glass in your hand and then you drop it?

Gleek: It smashes.

Me: Right. That is also a consequence. Sometimes consequences are things we want, like the ball bouncing. Sometimes consequences are things that we don’t want, like the broken glass. So we need to think ahead when we choose to make sure the the consequences are something that we want to live with.

Gleek loves swim lessons. She loves them so much that she practices and practices her skills. She has amassed a whole repertoire of water tricks, most of which she tries to display while her teacher is trying to explain something else. I have great sympathy for Gleek’s swim teacher. “Stay put and listen” is not something Gleek does well even in less enthralling circumstances than a noisy pool full of kids and splashing. By the end of 30 minutes the teacher is very ready to hand Gleek back to me. Unfortunately the hardest part of swim lessons is getting Gleek out of the water. She has an endless stream of “one more things.” Each one delays the moment of pool exit. I get to stand on the edge of the pool, fully dressed, coaxing and warning of consequences. The problem is that all the swim lessons are scheduled back to back. The teacher needs Gleek out of the pool quickly, so that the next class can be welcomed. Today Teacher solved this problem by lifting Gleek out of the pool and handing her directly to me. This tactic did not go over well with Gleek.

It is not fun to stand at the side of a pool, holding the arm of a sopping wet, screaming child, who is desperately trying to jump back into the water. This especially not fun with a full audience of other parents and children. One of the things that I’ve had to learn while parenting Gleek is that to manage her appropriately I have to ignore the fact that I have an audience. If I go softer on her in public because people are watching, then I am just guaranteeing a future public showdown because she will push limits until the showdown is necessary. This is not because she is deliberately trying to defy me, she is just so full of energy that any limits feel confining to her. But the limits are necessary to keep her safe and to make sure that her behaviors do not impinge on the safety or enjoyment of others. We all have to accept limits.

I scooped the dripping, screaming Gleek into my arms and began to carry her from the pool. She was screaming that she wanted to show her teacher just one more thing, please just let her show one more thing. Truth be told, if I’d let her back into the water, Gleek would have done the one more thing and gotten back out happy. Probably. She might have asked for another one more thing. And another. But the teacher was gone and the next classes were already in the water. The time for showing things to teacher was over. Gleek wiggled free and ran toward the water. I called to her that if she got back into the water I was going to have to cancel the rest of her swim lessons because she couldn’t obey the pool rules. She stopped. She could tell that I really meant it. She did not get back into the water, but she did not stop screaming either.

A big tantrum has momentum. Even if Gleek can see that the original point is lost, she is still filled with emotion and it has to go somewhere. It takes real skill for a person to head off such a huge emotional head of steam. Gleek is working on developing those skills. Sometimes she amazes me with the control she has over herself. Even today in the midst of shrieking tantrum, she exhibited control. She did not jump in the pool. She did hit me, but she totally pulled her punches. Gleek is small for a seven-year-old, but she’s all muscle. She could really wallop if she wanted to. But even though she was mad enough to really do some damage, she didn’t. I could barely feel the “hits.” When I carried her out, she struggled, but she did not go into a full-out panicked thrash. If she did that, I would not be able to carry her at all, she is too big and strong these days.

There may have been parents at the pool who were totally shocked at my child’s behavior. They may have seen her as completely out of control and me in dire need of a parenting coach. They’re wrong. Yes we had a huge scene at the pool today, but Gleek was not out of control. She and I were both working very hard to reign in some out-of-control emotions that she was feeling. She was already winding down as we left the building. Once in the car, she started crying for her blankies. That’s a sure sign that the storm is over. I assured her that we were going to them as soon as we could. She started to wind back up crying for her blankies RIGHT NOW. I pulled the car over to the side of the road. I told her I was stopping to give her blankies, but I didn’t have them in the car with me. I’d like to drive to go get them, but I couldn’t drive with screaming in the car. Then there was silence punctuated by some sniffles and a little bit of foot kicking to vent the last of the feelings.

At home we snuggled with the blankies and talked about the event. We talked about why it happened and how to make sure that it does not happen again. We also discussed what consequences should be applied today to make sure that we don’t have a scene at the pool again. Gleek suggested she have to run a mile. Instead I said that she can’t play with friends today. This makes the rest of the day unpleasant for us all, but this one unpleasant day will insure that Gleek is a perfect angel at swim lessons for the rest of the summer. One of Gleek’s strong points is that she remembers. Once we have had a big scene to define a limit, she will remember where that limit is and stay well inside it. Gleek does not like the tantrums either.

We finished with a bath for her and dry clothes for me. That gave us a fresh start on the rest of the day. It seems to have worked, because the day is going smoothly.

In response to my last post, some one posted a link to a New York magazine article on the Power and Peril of Praising kids. There is so much good information in that article that it is going to take me awhile to absorb it. It also helps me see why I worry about our local gifted programs with their emphasis on intelligence and results. Two paragraphs in particular rang true to me because I’ve seen Kiki think exactly this way:

Dweck had suspected that praise could backfire, but even she was surprised by the magnitude of the effect. “Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control,” she explains. “They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.”

In follow-up interviews, Dweck discovered that those who think that innate intelligence is the key to success begin to discount the importance of effort. I am smart, the kids’ reasoning goes; I don’t need to put out effort. Expending effort becomes stigmatized—it’s public proof that you can’t cut it on your natural gifts.

Anyway, I recommend that everyone go check out the article. I think I’m going to print the whole thing out and put it in my files just in case the online version eventually disappears

The Psychology Today website has an interesting article on why child prodigies tend not to achieve greatness as adults. There are several aspects of the prodigy experience that are examined, but the one that caught my eye is that perseverance is a better indicator for success than natural talent. This is something I have observed time and again among people I know. I’ve seen amazing gifts languish because the person who has them has never learned how to work hard. This is something I fear for my kids. They are so smart, school comes easily to them. They skip along, casually absorbing things that their peers have to struggle for. But when they hit something that they don’t absorb as naturally as breathing, they stop cold. Both German and Clarinet did this to Kiki. Now she is having to learn to work hard with no guarantee of success. It is hard for me to stand by and watch her struggle when I know I could end it, but I must do it. I must do the same for all my kids when they hit their personal roadblocks. The one who has the most advantage here is Link. He is just as smart as the others, but he has some academic weaknesses that he must struggle against. Because he struggles now and learns how to keep going, he is less likely to be stopped cold later.

It makes me think of a scripture found in The Book of Mormon:

Ether 12:27
“I give unto men weaknesses that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humbleth themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

Sometimes the things we consider our greatest weaknesses become our greatest strengths simply because we have to work so hard at them.

My kids have 5 things to do to get ready for bed. It is a short list and seems like it should be simple to accomplish on a nightly basis. The reality is more complicated than it seems.

Put on Pajamas
Theory: All the kids run put on their pajamas when asked. (3 minutes)
Reality: Kids ignore me when I say “pajama time!” until I get right next to them at high volume. (3-5 minutes) I chase them all upstairs. (1 minute) Then we discover that none of them have pajamas in their drawers. All the clean laundry is it baskets in the laundry room. I tell them all to stay put and gallop down stairs to grab pajamas. (1-3 minutes) I rummage through three separate laundry baskets to find pajamas. (2 minutes) I come back upstairs to discover that the kids are making flying leaps on and off my bed instead of waiting politely in their rooms. I make them stop and hand them pajamas. (1 minute) Then I make them stop again and bodily steer them out of my bedroom one by one. (2 minutes) Then Gleek declares that she doesn’t want the pajamas I grabbed, she wants other ones. I can either go find the other ones (2 minutes) or I can argue with her (5 minutes) I then go make the boys pick up their pajamas from off their bedroom floor and put them on their bodies. (3 minutes) Total time for pajamas: 15- 22 minutes

Pick Up Toys:
Theory: All the kids run and pick up 30 toys each with no complaints. (5 minutes)
Reality: Sometimes I skip this step completely because I don’t want to deal with it. (0 minutes) If I do enforce this one, the kids all run through the house trying to avoid picking up. (2 minutes) When I finally corner them, they protest how it is far too much work and Not Fair. (2 minutes) Then they either pick up toys very slowly as if each limb weighed a hundred pounds (10 minutes) or they create an elaborate game which involves getting out more toys to pick up the toys already on the floor (10 minutes) or they get distracted by the toys and play until reminded that they are supposed to be cleaning up. (10-20 minutes) Another optional behavior is for one child to stop working because someone else isn’t working and that is Not Fair. (5 minutes) total time for toy pick up: 0-29 minutes

Eat Snack:
Theory: All the kids sit politely at the table eating while I read aloud. (15 minutes)
Reality: The kids all bounce around in the kitchen, doing tricks on chairs, talking to each other, and generally ignoring my request that they pick a snack. (2-5 minutes) I pry a preference out of them and fix the snack while they continue to demonstrate brownian motion all over the kitchen. (2 minutes) I put the snacks on the table and at least one child protests that the snack has been done wrong. This leads to either a short argument after which the child eats the snack anyway (2 minutes) or a major tantrum complete with screaming. (10 minutes) The children then eat while I read, but frequently interrupt with random comments or requests for drinks. (5-10 minutes) Total time for snack: 11-32 minutes

Brush Teeth
Theory: All the kids run to the bathroom and brush their teeth. (2 minutes)
Reality: The kids all run to the bathroom, but can find their toothbrushes. (1 minute) I go to the bathroom and find the toothbrushes sitting right on the counter where they belong. (1 minute) Kids squabble over the toothpaste (1 minute) Kids squabble over space around the sink. (1 minute) Kids accidentally spill water all over themselves and the sink and the floor while simultaneously managing to get toothpaste on the ceiling. (1 minute) Kids rub the toothbrushes over their teeth, except Patches who always asks for help. (.5 minute) Total time for brushing teeth: 5.5 minutes

Go To Sleep
Theory: The kids hop into their beds and lay quietly until they fall asleep. (5 minutes)
Reality: Gleek and Patches need me to find their blankets. (1-2 minutes) Patches needs a drink of water (1 minute) Gleek needs to tell me “one more thing” (1 minute) Link objects that he didn’t get enough play time during the day, I counter that he has to go to bed anyway. Link then pouts and refuses to fall asleep (2-4 minutes) Gleek needs to tell me “one more thing” (1 minute) Patches climbs out of bed because he’s still hungry. I send him back. (2 minutes) Gleek needs to tell me “one more thing” I tell her to save all her things for morning. (1 minute) Patches gets out of bed because he’s really really hungry and also he’s scared “I just want to be with you mom.” (1 minute) Link and Gleek both object that it isn’t fair that Patches gets snuggles and they don’t. I stop the objection by sending Patches back to bed. (2 minutes) The kids finally settle a little and roll around in their beds occasionally singing or making space ship noises until they finally fall asleep. (5-20 minutes) Total time for going to sleep: 17-35 minutes

Total theoretical time for all bedtime things: 30 minutes
Total real time for all bedtime things: 38-123 minutes (over two hours.)

On good days I anticipate the needs and the kids cooperate. Those are the days when bedtime takes 30 minutes. Those days are rare. Usually I’m tired from busy day and the kids are over excited and wound up from their busy days. The result is the two hour long bedtime. I always plan a two hour window for bedtime. On really bad days bedtime can stretch to three hours. Those are also rare. I’ve tried abbreviating the bedtime routine, but the kids really depend on the routine for stability in their days.

And now it is past time for me to start putting the kids to bed.

After a day of accomplishing nothing much, I had finally gotten moving and was cleaning out the Linen closet. I’d just found left over “new baby” supplies from Patches’ birth 4 years ago, when Neighborchild came running in to tell me that Gleek had fallen off the roof of our playset. We have a big redwood playset.
That roof is at least 12 feet off the ground.
I ran.

Gleek is okay.
It was apparent that she was okay within 60 seconds of my arrival next to her. But I still needed to go through all the triage checks to be absolutely sure. There are children who will suffer broken bones with hardly a whimper. It would not surprise me if Gleek is one of these. I was starting all the “move this arm, move that arm” checks when Kiki felt impelled to scold Gleek for being on the roof. Gleek screeched at being scolded. Then Kiki felt that Gleek was not learning the right lesson from this experience and tried to elaborate. I did not have either girl’s attention. I attempted to continue to soothe Gleek and check her injuries, but it was difficult with Kiki declaring that Gleek was just bruised and Gleek screeching at every word that came out of Kiki’s mouth. I knew that all this scolding from Kiki was merely her fear finding an outlet. I tried to explain this to her and get her to stop interfering with what I needed to do. In fact I told Kiki in very clear terms to be quiet. But she stood there and I could tell that she was going to speak again. So I ordered her into the house. I knew it would hurt Kiki’s feelings, but I’d spent 5 minutes arguing with Kiki that I should have spent focused on Gleek.

With Kiki gone I was able to do all the limb checks. Nothing appears broken, although she’ll have some bruises. I was also able to get Gleek to tell me exactly how she fell. She described hitting the swing crossbar with her arm on the way down. This information prompted me to check her armpit where I found the largest of her injuries. She is thoroughly scraped there. She hadn’t even felt it hurting until we found it. She wanted to see the injury, so I brought her inside to a mirror. When she saw the scrape, the enormity of What Could Have Happened hit Gleek. Suddenly she understood that she really could have broken an arm or a leg or her head. Gleek burst into tears and needed more cuddling. I let her talk and snuggle as long as she needed, then settled her to watch Link play a video game.

I then went to talk to Kiki. First I apologized for sending her away. Then I explained to her that when someone is injured there is a process that they have to go through to assimilate what happened to them. During the first shock phase it is important to not confuse the patient with too many people talking. It is also very important to listen to everything because it gives you clues about what to check. Gleek needed to tell her story without interruption for me to know to check under her arm. I explained to Kiki that she was trying to force the realization of danger on Gleek before Gleek was ready to hear it. Later Gleek didn’t need the lecture at all because she made her own realizations. That was even better, because the things we realize for ourselves stick with us longer than things we have merely heard from others. In short I tried to explain how I was handling the crisis and how Kiki had been interfering with my crisis management. Kiki isn’t mad at me anymore. She nodded intently when I asked if she understood what I was trying to explain. I lay even odds that she’ll still interfere the next time Gleek has a crisis. Kiki feels a responsibility to help raise Gleek and I keep having to tell Kiki to back off and let me be the mom. That maternal instinct is a good thing. I just need to help Kiki channel it in ways that are constructive to the sister relationship rather than destructive.

Later tonight I expect Gleek to be achy and sore. She may also need extra hugs and loving at bedtime. Nightmares are a possibility. I’ll actually welcome all those things if they teach Gleek to be more cautious about climbing.
Today could have gone much worse.

This evening was not a smooth one and it is my fault. I gave all of my “A game” time to business tasks this week and none of it to my kids. This afternoon I was pretty burned out. I made dinner, but it was 90 minutes later than it should have been. This is potentially disastrous because my kids really need the friend-free, electronics-free space between dinner and bed. If I’m doing it right, they can get homework done and still have an hour or more to play quietly.

This evening was spent warding off incipient quarrels and tantrums. Unfortunately in the space of time I had, I could only head these things off by yelling louder. I prefer a much gentler touch. But I’ve succeeded in getting 3 out of 4 kids into bed. Link is staying up a little longer to get his play time. Kiki could be up too, but she’s suffering from a head cold and went to bed voluntarily. The fact that Gleek is suffering from the same cold is the source of most of the Kiki/Gleek conflicts. Neither of them has much tolerance for anything that isn’t exactly the way the want it right this second. As a side note I am truly impressed with both of my girls. Kiki had to be yelled into silence when she was continually sniping at the way Gleek was doing things, but then she nodded and understood when I took a moment to explain why I’d yelled rather than trying to handle it a different way. She could see what she was doing wrong, she was just too sick to stop herself in a moment of irritation. Gleek has been running all day despite being sick and she was seriously over stimulated. But when I shepherded her into her bed, she hugged me tight. It was very apparent that she was glad that I had headed off multiple tantrums, she doesn’t want to be out of control and is grateful when I prevent her from flying into a fury.

I also had a good moment with Link. He was in full-on stubborn mode complete with angry scowl over the fact that he had to do homework. This was in part caused because in all the other chaos he managed to leave the table and start a game after dinner. I generally keep him at the table until homework is done precisely because of this reaction. He’ll sit there fuming that I’ve pulled him away from his game for far longer than it would take for him to get his homework done. Once he lets go of his anger it is gone, but he can hang on tight for hours. This kind of a stand off is particularly difficult because Link is very sensitive to negative emotions pointed at him. If some one speaks to him with frustration, he feels yelled at and scolded no matter what the tone of voice is actually like. So in an inspired moment I looked at Link and said “Can I be on your team?” He looked at me confused and interested. I then made clear that I didn’t want to be working against him with me trying to get his homework done and him trying not to have to do it. He agreed that I could be on his team. I then said we needed to pick a goal for our team. I suggested making sure he had play time before bed as a goal. The only obstacle to our goal was one math sheet. It didn’t work completely, he was still mad about the homework, but the stand off was over. He began expressing his anger by writing as hard as he could rather than by refusing to pick up the pencil.

Hmm. Looking back I think my kids got about an hour of A game from me. But it was all “crisis management” rather than “ahead of the curve.” I think I’m going to have to do more of what I did last fall. I’m going to have to block out sections of time where I’m not allowed to do business things. I think I’m getting enough of a feel for the daily schedule that I can do this now. As for tomorrow, the Schlock book needs to take a back seat for a day so that I can get back ahead of the curve on the house and kid stuff.

The first week of school is now over. Gleek has had only one time-out and was not sent to the office at all. Kiki feels settled in Junior High and loves everything about it. Link came home early yesterday because he got something in his eye, but went back happily today. Patches is happy to have quiet hours without the other kids around, but is looking forward to preschool starting next week. I’m exhausted, but glad that it all went so well. We’re still not done adjusting, but it’s a good start.

On the night before the First Day of School, Gleek was happily assembling her “back to school” bag. This was a bag containing 3 or 4 items that Gleek can show and use to tell about herself. Gleek decided that one of the items was going to be her blankie. Upon hearing this Link’s eyes went wide and he spent the next 15 minutes trying to convey to Gleek that taking blankies to school isn’t a good idea. That in fact he doesn’t tell anyone that he still sleeps with blankies every night. I mentioned to Link that 1st grade is much different than 4th grade and the blankie went into the bag. I loved this incident because it showed to me that Link really is beginning to pick up some of those oh-so-necessary unwritten rules of social interaction. He’s very much in his own world much of the time and I’ve been worried that this would make him socially clueless. It gladdens my heart that he is not only picking up some of the social rules, but is also looking out for his sister to make sure that she doesn’t have an unpleasant experience.

I drove to pick up the kids from their first day at school. I elected to do so because I was not at all certain what state Gleek would be in at the end of the day. I didn’t want to haul a screaming/exhausted little girl while walking. It turns out that she came bursting from class filled with energy. The walk would have been fine. Oh well. I’ll walk today. As we headed for the car, the sprinklers came on. It was instantly apparent to me that new sprinklers had been installed and that they were improperly adjusted. “Sprinkler” is such a nice term, implying little drops of water falling gently to water plants. These were actually industrial strength gushers that bore more resemblance to the streams of water that issue from firehoses than to anything sprinkly. Imagine if you will 10 jets of water shooting out 50 feet each and a yard full of school children. Imagine further that these jets do not stay politely in the grassy areas, but also liberally spray the playground, walkways, and parking lot. There were shouts of glee from children and cries of dismay from parents. Half the kids ran for the water and were instantly soaked. The other half fled from the water. Gleek got wet, of course. Link and Patches fled. Our van got thoroughly drenched. I even got sideswiped once. Personally I was more amused than upset by the sprinklers. But I’m certain that there were parents who were angry. The school office has definitely informed the custodian so that the watering schedule can be adjusted. I suspect they were supposed to go off at 2:15 am instead of pm.

I took Kiki school shopping. It was a trip for just the two of us. It was a good time for me to get details about her first day. All evidence that I have indicates that she had a good time. She’s convinced that she is in a good school and she likes most of her teachers. There is one teacher who assigned homework on the first day. Kiki was outraged at this. It amused me greatly that Kiki’s homework was essentially the same assignment as Gleeks “Back to school bag.” Kiki has to select three things to take to school and use them to tell about herself. This was the horrible assignment which caused moaning and groaning. The shopping was fun. Naturally at every stop Kiki finagled me into buy more things than was my original intention. However Kiki will have to pay me back for some of the items. There are further items she’d like to buy, but which she’ll have to save up for first. Most of the extras were things like post-it notes and highlighter pens. I’m not sure why post-it notes were critically important, but I did buy her a little starter pad so she can see if she really uses them. The important thing is that when she walked out the door this morning she had a new shirt and her new binder and a new purse to accompany her on her adventures in junior high land.

It is very common for the left-at-home sibling to feel lonely and left out when the older ones are gone to school. Patches has expressed a desire to start preschool, but for the most part he seems to be relishing the quiet as much as Howard and I are. He plays happily by himself for hours on end. Around lunch time today I gathered him up and sat down to eat with him. We had a nice time just the two of us sitting and eating and talking. Then I read him a couple of stories. It is a pattern I think I want to keep. I have work things to do for much of the day, but I can devote some time to just Patches right around lunchtime. I do need to make sure that Patches gets enough interaction with other kids during the course of the day. Preschool starts next Tuesday and will provide some of that. I’ll still be watching and making play dates as necessary.