I recently posted a pair of comments in my sister’s livejournal that I’d like to have in my own for reference. Also I think some of you might find them useful/interesting.
My Potty Training Theory:
The first thing about potty training that many people don’t realize is that it
isn’t a single skill. Self toileting is a whole raft of skills that must each be mastered individually:
terminology- understanding the words to describe the experience.
being able to undress by yourself
being able to redress by yourself
how to sit on toilet/potty chair
recognizing the need to pee
witholding the pee until on the toilet
relaxing and letting the pee go
regognizing the need to poop
witholding the poop until on the
toilet
relaxing and letting the poop go
prioritizing potty above this
interesting toy
wiping
flushing
handwashing
There may be skills I’ve forgotten to list. The point is that expecting a child to master all of those skills at once is a bit much. To me, a child is not really fully potty trained until they are able to do all those things by themselves and I am completely uninvolved with their potty-process. Gleek is still working on some of these skills (mostly wiping, flushing, handwashing, and not needing company) and she is 4. Most kids will not fully master the whole list until around 5.
I’ve said that I’m not working on potty training with Patches, but I guess that isn’t true. Right now we’re working on terminology and on the concept that “big boys poop in the toilet.” Probably the next thing will be undressing, but I’m in no hurry. Potty training should be a learning adventure in which mommy and child are exploring and mastering skills together. If the toilet becomes a battlefield no one wins.
What has happened with 2 out of 3 kids so far is that I work on skills and then I decide it’s time and I make a big push toward skill mastery. The charts and underpants work for awhile, then it all falls apart and I get tired of cleaning carpets. At that point I put diapers back on and gave up. In both cases about 6 months later I glanced up and the child had decided to potty and wear underpants all by themselves. With my encouragement they never went back to diapers or pull ups again. So my plan for this time around is to teach and work on skills then let them go for a bit, then work for a bit then let it go. Two steps forward, one step back, we’ll get there eventually.
My discipline Theory:
There are two ways to stop an unwanted behavior.
The first is to remove the motivation that drives it. For me this is the prefered method, it usually stops the behavior almost instantly and the behavior stays stopped as long as the motivation is gone. Identifying the motivation can be tricky at times and unfortunately sometimes the motivating factor is irremovable. A parent can’t stop flinching when things are thrown at them and a child’s desire for amusment/attention is fulfilled by the flinching. Finding other sources for amusement/attention will definitely help this behavior.
The second method is to attach a consequence to the behavior. The consequence needs to be applied very consistently so that it ALWAYS follows the behavior and the child knows that it will. And the consequence needs to be significant to the CHILD. Knowing the motivation behind a behavior is important in choosing a consequence so that you don’t unintentionally reinforce behavior you want to disappear. If attention seeking behavior is given a consequence which requires lots of attention (like sitting on a chair), then you’ve reinforced the behavior rather than extinguishing it. Also the consequence needs to not punish mommy. If applying the consequence is too unpleasant for you, you’ll put up with the behavior rather than enforce the consequence.
Finding a balance is sometimes tricky. I found it a
particular challenge with Gleek because it was so hard to find a consequence
which actually mattered to her. I had to resort to spanking during her toddler
years because there was no other way to extinguish some of the dangerous
behaviors she was prone to. Fortunately now that she is older there are more
consequences that work for her and we’ve found better solutions.
All that rambling aside, it sounds to me like you actually have a really good action plan in place. You just need to stay consistent with it long enough for Alex to make connections in his head. Toddlers have poor impulse control and few reasoning skills, so much of their training has to be very pavlovian in nature.
This is good stuff, and, at least with the behavior stuff, applies to adults as well. As much as we like to think that we’re going around reasoning about things, immediate consequences to our actions is the most effective way for us to learn. I mean, how many of us speed? We know there could be consequences, but unless there’s a cop right there, most people speed at least a little. At least anecdotal evidence suggests that the case here in Ogden.
I don’t know if you’re read Don’t Shoot the Dog, but your post reminded me about it. 🙂
Potty Training
You probably won’t see this comment as that this post is from a year ago.
However, I read it with interest as that I have a daughter that is almost three, and we’re struggling with potty training. The frustrating this is that she can do every one of the things on the list. She’s gone as much as a week without an accident. Then boom in one day she will pee her pants 3 to 6 times. She will also poop her pants and once pooped on her bed.
I think to myself, she must be acting out for some reason, but there doesn’t appear to be a reason. When these things happen she’s had lots of attention and appears to be otherwise happy.
We are consistent about rewarding her when she uses the potty and in our punishment when she does not. The other day my wife gave up and put a diaper back on her. 20 minutes later we found she had removed the diaper on her own, put a pair of panties and then put her pants back on. We quite honestly did not notice that she had changed out of her diaper until she had wet herself again.
My opinion there is no reason that this young lady shouldn’t be using the toilet. My wife blames me. There was about a 3 month period when she was a year and a half old that she didn’t have a single accident at all. (Right before the new baby was born.) During this time I bragged about how wonderful, and smart my daughter was. My wife says it was my pride that brought this on. I’m sure she’s right. I’ve been humbled. Any ideas on how to make it stop?
In reality I’m sure the new sister was the reason she regressed. However, we continue to give her lots of love support and attention. One would think that after a year, we would be beyond this.
Anyway, any advice form an experienced mother would be appreciated.
Maybe we’re pushing her to hard and we should go at her pace. But I know she’s capable.
Anyway, I’m just spouting off. hope you have a nice day.
Potty Training
You probably won’t see this comment as that this post is from a year ago.
However, I read it with interest as that I have a daughter that is almost three, and we’re struggling with potty training. The frustrating this is that she can do every one of the things on the list. She’s gone as much as a week without an accident. Then boom in one day she will pee her pants 3 to 6 times. She will also poop her pants and once pooped on her bed.
I think to myself, she must be acting out for some reason, but there doesn’t appear to be a reason. When these things happen she’s had lots of attention and appears to be otherwise happy.
We are consistent about rewarding her when she uses the potty and in our punishment when she does not. The other day my wife gave up and put a diaper back on her. 20 minutes later we found she had removed the diaper on her own, put a pair of panties and then put her pants back on. We quite honestly did not notice that she had changed out of her diaper until she had wet herself again.
My opinion there is no reason that this young lady shouldn’t be using the toilet. My wife blames me. There was about a 3 month period when she was a year and a half old that she didn’t have a single accident at all. (Right before the new baby was born.) During this time I bragged about how wonderful, and smart my daughter was. My wife says it was my pride that brought this on. I’m sure she’s right. I’ve been humbled. Any ideas on how to make it stop?
In reality I’m sure the new sister was the reason she regressed. However, we continue to give her lots of love support and attention. One would think that after a year, we would be beyond this.
Anyway, any advice form an experienced mother would be appreciated.
Maybe we’re pushing her to hard and we should go at her pace. But I know she’s capable.
Anyway, I’m just spouting off. hope you have a nice day.
Re: Potty Training
Potty training is one of the most frustrating parenting tasks because the child has control of her body, not the parent. I read what you’ve described and it sounds like your daughter is essentially potty trained with occasional regressions. That is completely normal. All of my potty trained kids have done exactly what you described, going for days, weeks, months without accident and then regressing for awhile. Sometimes I can connect it to events, more often I can’t.
For me the solution is to disconnect my emotions from the potty process. I do that by setting up a system of rewards and consequences. I keep both pretty mild once the inital training is done. The reward will be a “good job!” and a stamp on the hand. The consequence will be that the child is required to clean up after herself. Do you feel like your daughter is deliberately wetting herself, or are they accidents? 9 times out of 10 the accidents are just that rather than defiance or acting out. I have had a child deliberately poop on the floor in an attempt to make me mad, that was a tough one. But even if the child is trying to be defiant, especially if the child is trying to be defiant, the consequences and rewards should stay the same. A defiant child is trying to get a big reaction, if you deny her the reaction she’ll stop using that method to defy and try something else. (aren’t kids fun.)
It’s hard to believe with a first child who is so much bigger than she used to be, but 3 is still very young and sanitary toileting is a big job for such a little person to get right 100% of the time.
Hopefully something in all that writing will be helpful to you. If nothing else, just hang in there.
Re: Potty Training
Potty training is one of the most frustrating parenting tasks because the child has control of her body, not the parent. I read what you’ve described and it sounds like your daughter is essentially potty trained with occasional regressions. That is completely normal. All of my potty trained kids have done exactly what you described, going for days, weeks, months without accident and then regressing for awhile. Sometimes I can connect it to events, more often I can’t.
For me the solution is to disconnect my emotions from the potty process. I do that by setting up a system of rewards and consequences. I keep both pretty mild once the inital training is done. The reward will be a “good job!” and a stamp on the hand. The consequence will be that the child is required to clean up after herself. Do you feel like your daughter is deliberately wetting herself, or are they accidents? 9 times out of 10 the accidents are just that rather than defiance or acting out. I have had a child deliberately poop on the floor in an attempt to make me mad, that was a tough one. But even if the child is trying to be defiant, especially if the child is trying to be defiant, the consequences and rewards should stay the same. A defiant child is trying to get a big reaction, if you deny her the reaction she’ll stop using that method to defy and try something else. (aren’t kids fun.)
It’s hard to believe with a first child who is so much bigger than she used to be, but 3 is still very young and sanitary toileting is a big job for such a little person to get right 100% of the time.
Hopefully something in all that writing will be helpful to you. If nothing else, just hang in there.