Tantrum Management

The following analysis is mostly for my own reference, but maybe someone else will find it useful/interesting.

Patches tantrums are very straightforward. They pretty much occur because he wants something that some one took away or that he isn’t allowed to have. He’s still small enough that I just pick him up and carry him elsewhere. Once we’re elsewhere, I provide a distraction and usually that ends the tantrum.

Gleek has spectacular tantrums. They usually occur when she has it in her head that things should be a certain way and then they aren’t. (Mommy should be here, I want fudge, That’s mine!) I can usually see the tantrum coming in Gleeks escalating levels of upset and sometimes I can head off the tantrum. My current favorite tactic is to say “Okay it’s my turn to be Gleek!” then I demand whatever it is that she wants and she has to be mommy and try to explain why I can’t have it. That tactic has been educational for both of us. I’ve learned that mostly she doesn’t listen to my explainations and just considers my decisions arbitrary. She’s learned that mommy DOES have vaild reasons for saying no. Sometimes I’m tired or Gleek is particularly headstrong and the tantrum can’t be dodged. Then we have kicking and screaming. I’ve learned that the tactic of holding the child until they calm down is NOT a good idea if the child is Gleek. She gets increasingly more upset and escalates quickly to deliberate punching, directed kicking, and biting. I just don’t think I’m strong enough to hold her without allowing injury to her or to myself. Truth is I haven’t found a tactic that I really like. I generally resort to shutting her into her room and telling her to come out when she has calmed down. Unfortunately she either doesn’t hear the instruction or completely disregards it, because to actually get her to stay in her room I have to stand by the door and hold it closed. She then kicks and pounds the door for awhile. Eventually she shifts from anger to fear that I’m really angry and that I’ve abandoned her. I think she is also frightened by her own out-of-control emotions. Once we reach that point I can go into the room and snuggle her into my lap and we can start discussing the incident. We talk and I appologize for any behavior of mine which might have been over-the-line (like yelling). I require appologies from her for the tantrum and any hurtful things she may have said (Like “I hate you mommy”). Usually long before I feel calm and resolved she hops off my lap and runs off to play as if the tantrum hadn’t happened at all. Then all is well until the next time.

Link doesn’t tantrum often and when he does he usually calms himself without intervention. He’s always been that way, even as a baby. On the rare occasions when he doesn’t calm himself, all I have to do is walk to him and talk to him calmly and he’s old enough to pay attention. It happened that way just this evening. I walked in and told him “You’re behaving like a toddler. A seven year old boy doesn’t need to wail at the top of his lungs to get what he wants. Please calm down” He answered “I can’t stop the tears.” my answer “I don’t expect you to. When we’re sad, we cry. We can’t control that. We don’t want to because being sad is natural.” I then clarified that wailing and tantruming are a different thing from sadness and crying. Wailing is trying to force everyone else to pay full attention to your sadness, generally because you want them to fix it. (This isn’t true for a younger child, for them sadness and wailing are inseparable.) Since Link was no longer wailing I gave him some sympathy for the cause of his sadness, then Link decided to have some quiet time in his room until his sadness passed. Five minutes later all was well.

Kiki’s tantrums tend to be long, involved, and emotionally exhausting for me. When Kiki is overwrought even the smallest problem is blown-up to a giant size and wrangled over. I’ve discovered that having an audience (me) actually exacerbates the situation. The more that I sit there being supportive and reasonable and helpful, the more she will yell and cry and be upset. The best solution is usually for me to leave her alone until she’s worked through the emotion. Then she is ready to talk and I can help her tackle whatever set off the tantrum in the first place. Most of the time I don’t even have to help. Once Kiki is calm she usually solves her problems by herself.

Sigh. I need to go help resolve a tantrum upstairs.