In the Small Details

“How are you today?” She asked.
“Good.” I answered.
The exchange went by so quickly that I almost didn’t notice it. Except some part of my brain sat up and said “Did you just answer ‘good’ without thinking about it?” Yes I had. Which is strange because for months the casual “How are you?” greetings had been very fraught for me. Particularly if the greeting is uttered by someone with whom I have a relationship and to whom I owe truth. The other person really isn’t wanting to open up a big discussion about where I am emotionally. I knew that. And the grocery store or church hallways were not good places for me to open my heart and speak all my fears. Yet for a long time “fine” was a lie. I was not fine. I was struggling with all sorts of overwhelming emotions or I had my emotions clamped down so that they would not spill everywhere. Sometimes I said the lie. Other times I said “I’m here.” It was a tacit acknowledgement that sometimes just showing up is a triumph of sorts. Though usually the other person didn’t quite know what to make of my answer.

But today I answered “good” without thinking about it. And I was telling the truth. Sometimes it is the smallest of details where I can see how things are getting better.