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February 2016
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Hope in Contrast to Despair

I sorted my thoughts in church today, which is a thing I do most every week. This particular Sunday I had more than the usual quantity of thoughts to sort. I found myself making notes on my to do list and rambling thoughts into my paper journal. Many thoughts to sort is a normal consequence of the type of week I just had, one where I pushed myself hard to get things done. The week was full of twelve to fourteen hour work days, yet even as I was tired and brain fried, there was joy in the work. The vast majority of those hours were creative. I wrote words, I moved words, I built structure. There was a portion of my brain which marveled at what I can accomplish when I clear away distractions and dig into the work. This weekend had only a little work in it. I let my work brain rest, because I recognize that the pace I kept last week will burn me out over the long haul.

A week ago I had despair and anxiety. Today I find myself in a place of hope. The projects are still behind, but I can see how to readjust the deadlines, and I can see that we’ll be able to meet the new ones, if we can continue to focus on the work as I have this past week. Being able to focus is looking hopeful too, because many of the kid things have been settling out. Link had a triumph this past week that has him bouncing around the house happy. He’s been inviting friends over. He’s planning a future and taking control of it. Today I ran my finger over my Tomorrowland Pin and realized that somewhere in the past months we’ve moved out of a dark place and into a bright one. Patch still struggles sometimes, but the shape of his struggles is different. He’s taking more control and more responsibility. Kiki is on the final run to the end of her semester. Gleek has been more social and more physically active lately. She’s getting out of the house more than the rest of us.

Somewhere in all the work of the past week, and all the emotional work of the past months, I moved out of the shadow of anxiety and into a place where I can see a bright road ahead. The work is far from done, but in many ways the work is its own reward. This is a good thing.

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