Author name: Sandra Tayler

Hoping for an emptier week

/

In hindsight I can see that last week was hard. I was attempting to re-regulate the schedules and biorythms of four immature persons while simultaneously managing a work load that had heavy concentration requirements. A couple of the kids were also a little under the weather, which helped nothing. BUT the huge pile of beginning-of-the-year accounting is done. I completed the photo book that I intend as a gift at the end of the month. I even pulled together the layout for the Hugo reader pdf for the eligible Schlock book. (Longshoreman of the Apocalypse. Howard will be posting a link to it once he’s had a chance to approve what I created.) No wonder I burned out hard on Thursday and I’ve had something of an unfocused weekend.

I’m still seeking a good work/life balance. Since I am the one who assigns me the work, one would think it wouldn’t be so hard. Hopefully I’ll be more balanced this week.

Hoping for an emptier week Read More »

My travels this year

/

It seems strange to me, but I have an “appearance schedule.” Really it amounts to a list of stuff I’m going to get to do this year. Take a look at the list and if you’re near one of the events, feel free to stop by and say hello.

At the end of this month I am going to go visit my parents in the California Bay Area. This trip is primarily for my Grandmother’s 90th birthday, but also for mine and my daughter’s as well.

Feb 11-13 LTUE the Science Fiction symposium on BYU campus in Provo UT. This is an excellent venue for any aspiring writers as it is filled with presentations and panel discussions about the process of writing and getting published. Best of all, it is completely free. Both Howard and I will be presenting along with a host of other amazing professional creators. This one is well worth your time.

April 30 – May 2 Penguicon in Troy, Michigan. This is a geeky convention which combines science fiction, fantasy, and computer programming. I really want to come and the only reason I can’t state my attendance as certain is because I have not yet arranged with relatives to take the kids.

May 28 – 30 Conduit in Salt Lake City. I’ll be attending this event solo because Howard will be off at Balticon. It is a solid convention with an incredible pool of proffessionals who will be giving presentations. I’ll probably be on a panel or two, but I’m not sure yet when or what they will be.

June a family vacation.

August 5 – 8 GenCon Indianapolis. Howard and I intend to run a booth along with Tracy Hickman. It should be a crazy/busy time. I’ll have a pair of my kids along for the adventure. We’re all looking forward to it.

And that is probably more than enough for one year. Howard has further events in September and November, but I’ll be waving him off and staying home.

My travels this year Read More »

The naming of seals and other responsibilities

/

I am currently participating in the very serious business of naming a stuffed seal. It has to be a good name, but it can’t end in the long e sound because most of his other stuffed animals have names that end that way. (Yoshi, stripey, etc.)

This activity is very much in keeping with how the rest of today has been. I told my tired kids that they would have to muddle through school, mentioning responsibility and such. Then I went home and went back to bed. I am such a hypocrite. I did not even take a timer with me to wake me up so I could get some work done.

Almost four hours later I woke to the sound of the telephone, but was too lazy to answer it. I eventually rolled out of bed and came downstairs to discover that Howard had cleaned up the kitchen and brought me flowers from Sam’s club. There was a note. I just about cried. Then I opened the fridge to discover that he’d also bought me guacamole. There was a second note.

I never did get around to doing any of the work things I’d scheduled for myself. I answered no email, shipped no packages, did no page layout. Instead I watched David Tennant’s final performance as The Doctor. (Tennant was excellent, but the script was lacking. There were a couple of good character moments though.)

I did locate enough responsibility to retrieve the kids from school and to require Link to do his homework. I even microwaved some chicken nuggets for dinner. Although that was late.

Now we’re doing bedtime and my son is writing in his journal. He wants to write a story about this stuffed seal, but the old name (sealie) won’t do because of that pesky long e sound at the end. Ah. He tells me he’s got it. The seal is named Faster. Bedtime may progress.

Perhaps tomorrow I can locate my misplaced motivation and sense of responsibility.

The naming of seals and other responsibilities Read More »

No one meant for the evening to be hard, but it was anyway

/

This is the second day in a row I’ve ended up weary and tearful over my kids. I don’t know how to help them. I don’t even know if I should be helping them or if I should be standing back and letting experience be a stern teacher instead. The issues aren’t major ones, just homework and kid squabbles. I fear major issues since these small ones hammer me so hard.

This is as much a part of my parenting experience as the happy days which are full of fun stories. It is an important data point for all those considering parenting or in the midst of their own parenting. I know that I’m good at parenting, or so Howard tells me. Some days I even believe him. But other days I feel like a failure.

Then I comfort myself with the quote from Mary Radmacher:

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day which says “I will try again tomorrow.”

Edited to add: It is now thirty minutes later and things are much better. They always do get better, it is just hard to remember when in the midst of it all.

No one meant for the evening to be hard, but it was anyway Read More »

That anxious voice inside my head

/

An argument with a voice in my head after spending several hours working on book layout:

Time for a break.

But we’ve still got so much left to do. You’re on a roll. Why stop now?

I’m tired. I’m cold. My hands are feeling shaky. And all those rows of file names are starting to get tangled up in my head.


But this is important. It has to be done. The sooner it is done the sooner you can move on to the other stuff.

Yes. But it does not have to be completed today. I’m going to go take a bath.

The voice is quiet while I get up from the computer, have a bath, and then lay down to rest. Then it is back.

You have to pick up kids in an hour. What if you don’t wake up in time. You really should go back downstairs and get some more work done while they’re out of the house. Once they’re home you won’t be able to focus on work.

I have a timer set. It will beep and wake me up. All that other stuff is true, but the work can wait. The work is supposed to wait. I’m supposed to pay attention to the kids in the afternoon.

I then went to sleep, but the voice romped through my dreams making them feel restless. It plotted sneaking off to do work after picking up the kids, then it put that into my dreams. Defiantly, I kept sleeping until I heard the timer.

I really do have a lot to accomplish this month. All the things are important and I will feel much more relaxed when they are done. But pushing too hard and stressing myself only gets them done a little bit faster and it seriously impacts my enjoyment of life. I don’t need to run around in an anxiety driven panic. I just need to do some work every day until all the things are done.

That anxious voice inside my head Read More »

Trying to figure it out

/

Problem:
Gleek often reacts without thinking. Sadness and loneliness get expressed as contrariness and anger. As a result Gleek commonly discovers that she has just done a mildly bad thing and wishes she had not done it. This leads her to feel bad about herself.

Analysis:
Much of her impulsive bad choices are driven by tangled up feelings that she carries inside without sorting through. I need to give her tools for sorting through her feelings. In past years I’ve tried to make space to be her emotional sounding board, but what she really needs is something that does not depend upon me being available. She has lately shown an interest in journal writing.

Solution Attempt to address the issue: Each night before she reads in bed, I’m going to have her write a journal entry. She can write down all her feelings both positive and negative. Then when I come to tuck her in for the night, she can tell me about what she wrote.

Results so far: We’re two days in. The journal was filling up with angsty sadness. I was concerned that re-reading all the sadness would convince her that her life really is horrible, so I have added the requirement that each entry should have at least one happy thing in it. Her days really do have more happiness than sadness. I’m not sure whether the codicil is necessary. Writing the emotions down seems to allow her to let go of them. She is much calmer after writing a lament.

Additional plans: I need to enroll her in either dance or gymnastics. She needs to have something in her life on which she can focus surplus energy.

Trying to figure it out Read More »

A Running Start on the New Year

/

I made a list of the things I want to get done this month. It was enough stuff for two months. I looked at the list and felt a deep desire to get some of it done quickly, to knock it out in the first week of the month so that the rest of the month is more relaxed. The desire is familiar. Each week I bury Monday under a list of things that I want to have out of the way for the rest of the week. I looked at my list again and realized that I’ve kind of done the same thing for the year. January is full of things that I want out of the way. I want this year to be a calmer one. I want there to be space for quiet contemplation and family trips.

This front loading of my schedule is partially driven by fear. I don’t know what is going to come along and rearrange the calendar. Last year it was the XDM project. The year before that it was a health issue. Earlier than those were financial reverses, learning new skills, and conventions which could not be missed. Our schedule has not been predictable for a long time. I combat the fear by tracking upcoming events farther out in the future. I’m endlessly grateful when other people give me lengthy advance notice about events for which we’ll need to plan. I also try to get as much done as fast as I can because it theoretically makes more space.

Only it doesn’t really. Small businesses and families both provide an endless stream of time filling tasks. It is not possible for me to get it all done. I will never be done. I run myself ragged trying to create spaces and often as not the spaces are filled up before I get there. If I want this year to be calmer and more peaceful, I have to start now. Now is part of this year too. I need to begin as I intend to continue. I need to carve out spaces of time to feel peaceful and joyful. If I can do that in each individual day, then this year will be what I want it to be.

I still have my list. I still intend to get most of it done by the end of the month. But I will not treat this month like a mad dash toward completion. It will be a quick paced run with time to look up and around at the scenery.

A Running Start on the New Year Read More »

Putting Away Christmas

/

Some years I am so eager to be done with the holiday season that I take down the tree on boxing day. Those years I am in a hurry to reclaim my front room and normality from the clutter of tree, nativity, and seasonal books. Other years I want to savor the holiday feeling for a more extended period of time. This year the need to un-decorate sneaked up on me. It dawned on me slowly that today is New Year’s Day and that my front room is still full of Christmas. Some time before Monday morning I need my front room to not be full of Christmas anymore. I need to hit the ground running on Monday because the first of the year accounting is looming and I’ve got a list of business contacts to refresh.

Knowing the job needed to be done, I decided that the sooner it was done the better. So I rallied my reluctant forces and we began to un-decorate. In this case the forces were my kids. They are always enthusiastic about decorating and completely uninterested in putting things away. (This is also true with most of their toys, but that is a problem for a different day.) I started by requiring them each to remove 50 ornaments from the tree. Thus I discovered that we own approximately 150 ornaments. I’m not sure what I’ll do with this little factoid, but there it is. Mostly I was pleased to have all the ornaments transferred from tree to box in less than 10 minutes. The tree itself was carted downstairs and shoved into the giant duffel bag we use as storage.

At that point I released my minions from bondage and they fled back to their games. The rest was up to me. The tree is our big Christmas effort. Everything else fits into three boxes. This year I decided to organize and sort as I put things away. It is a small gift that I am giving to my next-December self. She will discover less chaos in the Christmas boxes, which is a good thing.

The boxes are all stowed. The various debris have been swept. The furniture is put back in the regular locations. My front room feels light and spacious. Over the next few weeks various Christmas items will surface from odd corners of the house and I will shove them into the tops of the Christmas boxes. We’re ready for what comes next.

Putting Away Christmas Read More »

Gifts of the Storm

/

I’ve been feeling lots of decade resonance lately. Things that happened 10 years ago are coming back in unexpected ways. We’ve been watching kid movies that were the 10-years-ago favorites. Howard met a man at the gym who was in the cardiac care unit at the same time he was ten years ago. I just finished an essay that discusses my radiation therapy in 1999 and the effects in my life since. Six months from now will be the 10 year anniversary of Schlock Mercenary. None of us intended to get all retrospective about our lives ten years ago. It happened anyway.

Do you see? asks the universe.
So I look at where we were then and I look at where we are now. Then I answer.
Yes I do.

I offer what I see as hope to anyone out there for whom 2009 was an awful year: 1999 was really hard for us. Some of what came after was also hard. Some of it has been amazingly good. But the amazingly good stuff was made possible by the hard stuff. So hang in there. Ride out your storm. Then see what you can make out of the gifts the storm brings to you.

Gifts of the Storm Read More »

Sometimes shoveling snow is a good thing

/

I was right about getting outside and active helping me feel better. Nature obliged the effort by dumping 6 inches of snow on my double wide driveway on a day when I’m expecting guests. I had to get out there and clear it or else they would not have a place to park. I also did not want a repeat of the last snow storm where we did not shovel and our driveway was an icy mess for almost two weeks. So I shoveled. And then I was tired so I napped.

After that I woke up and felt normal. I’m a bit stiff and sore, but I actually made some progress on my projects and on getting the house clean. This counts as a very good thing. The plan for tomorrow also includes getting outside, although I hope that it will take a form other than shoveling snow.

Sometimes shoveling snow is a good thing Read More »