Sandra Tayler

Taking the Train to the Writing for Charity conference

I got up before dawn to catch a train. This was not a thing I have ever done before, despite the fact that the commuter train has been here for years. Somehow I’d always defaulted to driving as more convenient. But today we only had one car, the other is still being repaired, and I had a conference 90 minutes away. When I realized that it was convenient to the commuter line, I decided to experiment with taking Front Runner.

It was quiet and chilly on the platform waiting for the train to arrive. I’d come twenty minutes early, so I had a while to sit and watch the sky lighten behind the mountains. A pair of ducks flew quacking through the sky. I breathed and felt peaceful. Driving was not peaceful like this. Driving is full of paying attention and making judgement calls. For this trip my only job was to wait. The train arrived and I boarded. I found a seat with a table and an outlet. My first thought as the train pulled away was how easy it had all been. Then I pulled out my laptop and began to work as landscape passed beside me.

Writing is a process of alternating typing and staring off into space to figure out what to type next. On the train there was something new to see every time I looked up. I got peeks into backyards and industrial compounds. The train follows a different route than the freeway, which meant seeing landmarks from a different perspective. We even traveled through a small canyon that I’d had no idea existed at the base of Point of the Mountain. The freeway is up on the benches while passing through there. The scenery outside my window alternated between beauty and junkyards, each interesting in its own way.

A person from the conference was shuttling people from the train stop, so in-town transport was simple. Then I was at the conference. Writing for Charity is a smaller event than many I attend, but I like it for that. All of the proceeds go to charity, which is also a lovely thing. Utah has an abundant supply of authors, so my schedule was not too busy. This left me with many pleasant hours to visit with people I knew and to become better acquainted with people who were only somewhat familiar. I even spent some time working.

It was nice to be at a conference where I was neither promoting nor selling anything. I had no table to run, no money to manage. I didn’t even bring copies of my books with me, which I probably should have done. There was a moment on my self publishing panel where being able to hold up one of my book covers would have been a useful example of how to get covers wrong and then hire a designer to get it right. But it was okay that I didn’t have it. Instead I had a dozen conversations, some short, some long. My mind pulls them out and considers them as I write this. They are each like a little treasure to be appreciated, a moment when I connected with someone else and they helped me or I helped them. Or sometimes we just laughed together, and that was good too.

The sun had begun to set when I sat on the platform to catch a train home. I wasn’t alone this time. A fellow conference attendee was also riding southward, though her exit was before mine. We talked together as we waited. I learned of her projects and, since she was an experienced commuter-by-train, I was able to ask her questions. I sat on the opposite side of the train for the trip home. There were more people out and about, and my mind began to wonder about the stories of the people I saw. What brought that disheveled man walking under and overpass? Why was there young man standing in the courtyard of an obviously abandoned building? Why were the buildings abandoned anyway? When had they been built? How long had they been slowly falling apart? The world is full of stories I’ll never be able to know. I didn’t need to know them, but it was pleasant to let my thoughts wander across them as the train carried me home.

My train friend and I had both lived in Utah for a very long time, so we talked about the quirks of what we saw. We speculated on the history of things and how they are shaped by local culture. She had written several historical non-fiction books and it was fascinating to hear about them. One thing did make me sad. Along the tracks where many lots which had obviously become dumping grounds for things that were no longer of use. It forced me to think how wasteful humans are, and how we need to do a better job of cleaning up after ourselves even when it takes extra effort and expense. Surely we can thing of something more useful to do with old cars than leave them parked in a field to rust.

It was dark when I exited the train. Howard was waiting for me, which might have been the best part of the day. On the short drive to our house, he told me about his day and I told him about mine. It was so good for me to get out of my house and see new things, think new thoughts, meet new people. I spend so much time contained by my usual locations and habits. Next week is Salt Lake Comic Con, where Howard and I will both participate. I may take the train to get there for at least some of the days.

The Pattern and Flow of Habits

Things slip into being normal without us quite realizing it. This is neutral, because both good and bad things can slip into place.

The other day I was discussing homework with Patch because he needs to hustle to bring some grades up before the end of the term on Friday. We talked about how he likes to take a break and relax right after school, but that this often leads to us getting distracted. Then we get to bedtime without the homework done. “We used to connect homework to dinner time, but we don’t really do dinner anymore.” He was so matter of fact as he said it. And I felt an echo of guilt for the family dinners we haven’t had in years. Instead we tend to congregate in the kitchen, each fixing our own single serving of food from the available groceries. We don’t often have all of us together, but it is frequent for two or three of us to be there chatting while we fix and then eat our food. If the point of family dinner is connection, well we’ve found some different formats for that. Yet I’m all too aware that there are social graces and cooking skills that would be better practiced with scheduled family dinners. And we could have homework time after dinner the way we used to do.

This morning Howard and I watched a movie as soon as the two youngest were out the door to school. It was a movie with more swearing in it than I’m comfortable showing to my kids. It also wasn’t likely to interest them since so much of the film had to do with banking rather than explosions. It used to be that we’d watch this sort of movie after the kids were in bed for the night. These days the kids go to bed at pretty much the same times that we do, though I’m currently working to change the habit for the youngest two into an earlier bedtime. In theory, now that the kids are older, I don’t need the off-duty down time as much as I used to do. After all, I’m not doing hands on care for them anymore. They manage their own things, their own dinners. Sort of. Except when they don’t and they flop next to me and want me to do things for them because the things are haaaard. Yes. Adulting is hard and I get why my teenagers want to flop and let me do it for them. Particularly the ones who aren’t actually adults yet. So I still end my days longing for some off duty time, and usually not getting it. Which is why Howard and I have moved some of our dates into the middle of work hours. I feel a little guilty about that, but Howard and I need some child-free time somewhere.

Howard sat with our cat in his lap, gently stroking her fur. “We need to make her a vet appointment for a check up.” I agreed. She seems perfectly healthy, but she is getting up there in years and we want to make sure that we’re doing what we can to keep her in good health. Somewhere in the years we slid from no pets, to having an outdoor cat, to having an indoor cat. We moved from not being willing to spend much on upkeep to being willing to pay significant sums to keep her in good health.

The patterns of our lives drift, carried by the currents of our choices. They changed when Link went to partially homeschooled. They changed again when he dropped out completely and studied for the GED instead. They changed when Gleek developed a passionate interest in rollerblading multiple times per week. They changed when Patch picked up cello and again when he put it down. They change every time Kiki comes home from college and every time she goes back. Sometimes I want to make a deliberate pattern change and it is like walking upstream against a strong current. I end up bedraggled and exhausted, not very far from where I started. Other times a change just falls into the flow of other things effortlessly. I’m working to recognize when changes aren’t worth fighting the current, when they are, and how to design a change so that it goes with the flow instead of against it.

For now, I need to put aside these thoughts and dive into the creative flow necessary for Planet Mercenary writing and editing.

Smashed

photo(1)
All the passengers are fine, my car is not.

My car will be fine again in about two weeks.

I am grateful for auto insurance and the relatively low deductible we have on collisions.

I’m really glad that the other car was barely scratched, so the young woman driving it doesn’t have to deal with repairs the way I do.

I’m also glad that the smash was the result of a ten second miscalculation rather than a stupid driving decision. It falls firmly into the category “these things happen” rather than being a regret.

I’m pleased that when I called to tell Howard I would be late I remembered to lead with “I’m fine, Patch is fine. I had a car accident.” That was putting the most critical information first.

I wish I’d done a better job of collecting and handing out information in the moment. We got the critical pieces, contact info, insurance, etc. But when my insurance company asked for make and model of the other car, the best I could say was “Something jeep-ish? It was blue.” Not a moment that made me feel intelligent. I was aware that I wasn’t thinking entirely clearly, and I tried to counteract it by going slow and talking through the steps. I’ve had a lot of hindsight thoughts since. Though interestingly they’re all about the aftermath and not about the accident itself.

Smash occurred Thursday night. I spent a significant portion of today arranging for repairs and settling my own emotions. I really didn’t want my car smashed. I’m sad every time I look at it. At first I was afraid that I’d totaled the car. I pictured myself having to shop for a new one, but having to buy one used because the insurance only covers replacement of current state, not new value. And my mind raced on to think about the fact that we’re still paying off the car and I didn’t know what sort of financial impact that would have on our year. And I spent quite a lot of emotion on not wanting a different car. I like this one.

But Howard looked at the car and pointed out that it looks awful, but really it is only the hood that is terrible. The engine is fine. The car still drives. The impact wasn’t even hard enough to deploy airbags, which feels strange considering the mess it made of my car’s hood. And looking at the picture I feel a bit sheepish about my anxiety. While the damage definitely has to be fixed, it is no where near as bad as my emotions claim it is.

I’m very tired today. Some of that is because I didn’t sleep well last night. Most of the not sleeping well was because my brain was rehearsing how things need to go from here and how I could do better next time. Emotional processing takes time.

I used Howard’s car for errands today. I was cautious in driving, but more aware of how normal driving feels than I was nervous. Though my brain keeps making up stories about me wrecking his car too. Which would be far worse, because his car has been with us for over a decade and has a name.
Maybe mine should get a name out of this. It certainly took good care of me, absorbing the damage so Patch and I were fine.

As you can probably tell, my thoughts are still a bit scattered. I’m hoping that a better night’s sleep tonight will help me reset.

Updates

The project push continues and I’m afraid it doesn’t leave much time for thoughtful posts. We’re hoping to send a book or two off to print by April 1st. The Planet Mercenary book is going to take longer, but getting the other two done would be a huge pressure off.

On the other hand, I’m enjoying the creative focus. I’m spending my hours making things. More than that, I’m able to see clearly that these projects simply wouldn’t happen without my effort. For a long time Schlock Mercenary was Howard’s thing and I assisted. Between me writing a bonus story for Force Multiplication and all the work I do on Planet Mercenary, I’ve finally managed to convince the self-effacing part of my brain that it is my thing as well. It is true that my other writing projects are currently shunted aside, but that isn’t me giving up my things to be a support to someone else. It is me putting aside that project so that I can create this one. They’re all my projects. It is nice to be able to see that.

Among the other things this week, I’ve gone outside and pulled last year’s detritus out of the front flower beds. I know that if I clear the beds now, I will have a prettier front garden for the rest of the summer and that is good for my soul. It is demoralizing if I feel gardening guilt every time I see the front of my house. It is also good for me to step away from the creative work and let my mind wander while my hands are busy.

Current status of all the things:
We’ve turned in the PM cards. The tuckbox to go with them will be turned in first thing tomorrow.

I’ve been pounding on the Vessels section of the PM book and outlining how the Game Chief section needs to go.

The bank keeps coming up with papers for us to go sign, but theoretically the refinance is done.

I just got our finished taxes back from the accountant, and while we do have to pay out money, it is a sum that I can comfortably cover. Looks like I mathed right when I was making estimated payments and spending down cash last December.

Tomorrow Link goes in to take his final two tests, after which he’ll be done with high school a full two and a half months earlier than his peers. Now we can figure out what comes next.

I’m back to having a homework meeting with Patch every afternoon right after school. This is not my favorite, but I think it is the best means for me to hold him accountable for the work he should be doing.

Kiki is home this week for spring break. It is lovely to have her here. Yesterday I helped her do her taxes and today we went and filed paperwork for her passport.

None of these things stop for each other. I just have to keep switching and make sure that I take time to rest in between.

Recipe for an Anxiety Breakdown

Preheat the oven to 375.
Put two weeks of project push into a large pot and let it simmer.
Add in a hundred or more emails reporting site problems, many of them different people reporting the same problem, all of which must be answered or otherwise managed. Most of them are nice people trying to be helpful, so make sure you answer kindly and with individual attention.
Sprinkle in a few emails from angry people who have taken a personal affront to the site changes.
Stir constantly to prevent scorching.

In a separate bowl put in a dollop of paperwork that you thought was finished, but isn’t, so now you need to run an extra errand.
Add a big glop of realization that you’ve been out of milk for two days and the kids have eaten all the frozen pizza so they start coming to you with food decision woes.
Slowly stir in 48 hours of focused parenting attention for a child who needs to be assisted to manage a heightened level of anxiety.
Contents of bowl will begin to thicken and be harder to mix, keep stirring anyway.
But don’t forget that pot on the stove. Keep stirring that too. You’ll just have to bounce back and forth between the two.

In a third container, pour six hours of driving, sandwiched between two necessary business meetings.
Crack in two doses of fast-food calories and diet soda with caffeine. Make sure it is more caffeine than you usually ingest because you need to be alert and focused for driving.
Set this aside where you can see it, and it is a little bit in your way, but you can work around it.
Are you still stirring the contents of the pot and the bowl? Don’t forget to stir.

On a cutting board chop two days worth of time into pieces so tiny that they’re barely usable for creative tasks. Toss them into the simmering pot where they vanish without a trace and without making a noticeable difference there.
Is your arm tired from stirring the stiffening stuff in the bowl? Switch arms, keep stirring.

Fold in an email from a teacher which makes you check your kid’s grades and realize that many of them have slipped because you haven’t been applying consequences and this kid will definitely avoid anything that looks like unpleasant work unless there is some immediate reward or a looming consequence.
Be angry at the kid for a bit, but you can’t talk to him about it right now because you can’t stop stirring.

Splash some guilt everywhere, pot, bowl, whatever that third container is, your hands, clothes, the counter, etc.

Realize that you’re running out of counter space and now you need to blend up some email responses to event surveys, queries about creative projects, customer support questions.
Also blend in the knowledge that there are packages to mail.
And prescriptions you need to pick up.

Realize that you’ve neglected stirring, but somehow you now need at least three arms.
Don’t pause to realize that perhaps you need help with this cooking project. Instead just move faster to cover everything.
Realize the oven is on. Is this project baking or cooking on the stove? You have no idea. It is just uncomfortably hot in the kitchen now.

Dump contents of all the containers, blenders, and whatever else you have laying around into the large pot. Contents will likely be lumpy, hard to stir, and the pot is almost overflowing.
Turn up the heat.
Stir faster.

Add a tiny little event of miscommunication which frustrates the child who has been anxious. This event will be the catalyst that causes the contents of the pot to foam up, bubble over, sizzle in the catch pan on the stove, spill onto the floor.

Now there is a huge mess everywhere and it is obviously all your fault. Flee to room and cry.

Fortunately you have the formerly anxious child who comes and curls up next to you, pats your head and says “It’s okay mom, it’s okay.” and radiates calm comfort.
And another child who brings you the weighted blanket, which may or may not help you calm down, but the kindness definitely does.
And a husband who cleans up the mess, makes cooked food appear and brings it to you while you sit in front of a movie with snuggly children on both sides.
And another kid who’d been caught in the blast radius of the miscommunication and who brings you a drink to help you re-hydrate.
Let it all settle via a late night movie.
Sleep.
Have a better day tomorrow.

The Week I Had

Last week was lovely, focused, hopeful. This week has been one of important intentions gone awry, fractured concentration, and far too many interruptions. Yesterday in particular was difficult because one of my kids amped up into an anxiety state on Wednesday afternoon and thus needed lots of interactive support all day on Thursday. This was not conducive to creative focus. Which means that I hit this morning with far less done than I wanted.

Add in the Schlock Mercenary site move, which was necessary because of aging architecture and behind-the-scenes support issues. Predictably, a site as complex and non-standard as the Schlock site doesn’t work entirely smoothly out of the gate. This was expected. As was the deluge of email from people who have excellent suggestions for fixes, provide useful technical details about problems, have feature requests, or object to changes that we’ve made. I’m not able to answer it all, though I’m reading it all and making sure relevant info is communicated. I simply don’t have time to explain all of the design and architecture decisions that went into the site our designer made. Also, sadly, experience has taught me that even if I did explain the decisions, all that would accomplish would be to arm people who want to convince me that the decisions were wrong and we should do it differently. Or put it back the way it was. I know change is hard, particularly if it lands in a place that has been a comfort zone. So mostly I listen and sympathize quietly to the people who email with their emotions about the new site design. Though sometimes I confess I’m too tired for much sympathy, particularly if the person is nasty about how they express their feelings.

Today I don’t get many work hours. I’m going to spend most of the day driving to fetch Kiki home for her spring break. I’m very much looking forward to having her here. I’ll get back just in time for our weekly Planet Mercenary meeting. Then my evening will be spent at a junior high concert. The rehearsal for this event was part of the whole anxiety meltdown yesterday. Which means I have some anxiety about how the concert will go. I’ve already done the scene where I sit in an audience and watch my child have an anxiety attack on stage mid-performance. I don’t really want a repeat.

There were good things this week. A pair of birthdays went smoothly. A kid passed a major test, only two more to go, and they are in his areas of competence. I got to visit with a friend and laugh with her through a Galavant marathon. When I checked my PO Box I discovered several kind letters that people had sent to me during the February Month of Letters. (Note to self: check the PO box more often.)

I intended this to be a week of creative focus. It turned out differently. Time for me to take a deep breath and move forward.

Hope in Contrast to Despair

I sorted my thoughts in church today, which is a thing I do most every week. This particular Sunday I had more than the usual quantity of thoughts to sort. I found myself making notes on my to do list and rambling thoughts into my paper journal. Many thoughts to sort is a normal consequence of the type of week I just had, one where I pushed myself hard to get things done. The week was full of twelve to fourteen hour work days, yet even as I was tired and brain fried, there was joy in the work. The vast majority of those hours were creative. I wrote words, I moved words, I built structure. There was a portion of my brain which marveled at what I can accomplish when I clear away distractions and dig into the work. This weekend had only a little work in it. I let my work brain rest, because I recognize that the pace I kept last week will burn me out over the long haul.

A week ago I had despair and anxiety. Today I find myself in a place of hope. The projects are still behind, but I can see how to readjust the deadlines, and I can see that we’ll be able to meet the new ones, if we can continue to focus on the work as I have this past week. Being able to focus is looking hopeful too, because many of the kid things have been settling out. Link had a triumph this past week that has him bouncing around the house happy. He’s been inviting friends over. He’s planning a future and taking control of it. Today I ran my finger over my Tomorrowland Pin and realized that somewhere in the past months we’ve moved out of a dark place and into a bright one. Patch still struggles sometimes, but the shape of his struggles is different. He’s taking more control and more responsibility. Kiki is on the final run to the end of her semester. Gleek has been more social and more physically active lately. She’s getting out of the house more than the rest of us.

Somewhere in all the work of the past week, and all the emotional work of the past months, I moved out of the shadow of anxiety and into a place where I can see a bright road ahead. The work is far from done, but in many ways the work is its own reward. This is a good thing.

Working

I’ve done 10-14 hour work days for the past three days. If I can do that for three days more, I’ll still be behind where I’d like to be, but I’ll be less behind than I was. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

Saying No

It is time for me to start saying no a lot. My calendar for the next few weeks has large blocks of daytime work hours. There are no morning or mid-day appointments to disrupt the flow of my work. Afternoons are littered with many places to be, but they’re all regular events: lessons, tutoring, therapy. My only responsibility is to deliver children to their thing and then bring them home again. While I wait, I can be working on anything that I brought with me. I’m going to need every minute of those work hours. Deadlines have begun to loom close instead of distant.

I hit despair last Friday. The projects I have in front of me —work, household, parenting— all seemed like tangled and impossible messes. The only thing I could clearly see was that my available hours were insufficient for the amount of work I had assigned myself. “How can I help?” a friend asked me. He saw the front edge of my despair and wanted to take some of the business load. I couldn’t answer him, not in that moment. One of my weaknesses is that when I am under stress I hold tighter to all my tasks, expecting myself to just work harder. The more stressed I am, the less I can see what I should delegate and who I should give it to. Fortunately I have friends and Howard who have a better perspective. They pointed out a few things to me. It started my mind thinking about how to spread out the work more evenly and which things I can let lie fallow while I concentrate on other things.

I still spent Friday evening very sad. I didn’t like being that sad, but the sadness functioned as a shield which held off the blinding terror which howled around the edges of my mind. If I was grieving everything as a failure, then I didn’t have to be panicked about how doomed all my efforts were. I spent the evening hiding from sad thoughts. Around 1am I got out of bed and began to do the dishes. I hadn’t been sleeping anyway, and dishes were a simple thing that I could see how to do. I was inevitably doomed to failure, but at least I wouldn’t fail in the midst of dirty dishes. Then I began to fold laundry. By 4am I’d put enough things in order that my mind would let me sleep. Fortunately it was Saturday so I slept late. Then I put in eight hours on work projects, one small task at a time. Panic showed up periodically, usually when I was contemplating the project as a whole. Any time anxiety threatened to overwhelm me, I just reminded myself that it was obvious that I would miss my deadline, so there was no point in panicking about it. Instead I would just keep doing tasks one after the other. Then when failure inevitably arrived, at least I would know that I had done everything I could.

On one level, I’m aware that I’ve performed some weird hack on my brain. Doing one task after another is how deadlines get met. There is a part of my brain that has done the math and thinks that piles of hard work might still allow us to meet our deadlines. I’m trying not to think about that too much, because believing success is possible means I have to panic, stress, and push to get things done. The anxiety of pushing will cause me to freeze up and avoid the work. This has been an (unfortunately) frequent pattern in the past few months. But if I think I’m doomed to miss the deadline, I can work steadily and calmly. Shh, don’t tell my anxiety that I’m tricking it.

I made some lists today. One is the list of regrets I have for time wasted in the past few months. Pinning those regrets to the page pulled them out of my head where they were spilling sadness on everything. Another is the list of things that I should hand off to other people. The third list is discrete tasks that I can be doing next. I will follow my lists bit by bit, day by day. In order to do that, I have to vigorously defend the spaces in my days. I have to not let other people put things on my lists. I have to say no to opportunities. I have to say no to social appointments. I have to say no to teachers who want slices of my time in service of my children’s education. All these things can have my attention again once the deadline has been met or been passed. Right now I have to dive deep, ignore the internet, let calls go to voicemail, and work on the task in front of me.

Perseverance and Adversity

Yesterday at church we had a lesson on adversity. The major theme of the lesson was that we need adversity in our lives because overcoming it makes us better people. I believe this is true. The most self absorbed and least empathetic people I’ve known are those who have never had a hard thing happen to them. The older I get, the fewer of those people I know. We all get knocked flat eventually, hence the need to address this fact in a spiritual context. People of faith have to reconcile belief in a loving, all-powerful God with the fact that life is terrifyingly unfair. The lesson kept returning to the message everything happens for a reason. Many of the women around me seemed to find that very comforting. I sat there and thought how I don’t believe that God deliberately smites people with problems to make them grow, but that I do think he allows natural processes and choices of others to bring pain. I’m sometimes angry with Him about that. I also thought of dear friends who I knew were hurting right that moment and how hurtful it would be if I were to say such a thing to them. In fact just the day before I’d given one friend this card which reads “Please let me be the first to punch the next person who tells you everything happens for a reason.” (You should check out all the empathy cards at that link. They are the cards that cover the cases which are not covered by all the other cards. Brilliant.)

The thing is that when people are hit with something breathtakingly hard, they have to grieve. Part of that is being angry, really angry, often angry at God if they believe in one. Those of us who are bystanders to that pain want to be able to fix it. We want our loved ones to be at peace emotionally even if the hard thing continues. We say we want it for them, and we do, but we also want it for ourselves because watching pain reminds us that someday pain will come for us. And we have little control over what it will be or when it arrives. So we try to take the person who is in pain and jump them ahead to acceptance. We want to give them an answer. But that doesn’t work. Particularly if they are in the part of grieving where they need to be angry.

I don’t think I understood the value of anger in adversity until I read Rachel Naomi Remen’s My Grandfather’s Blessings. The book is a hundred small stories from her experiences counseling the dying, the recovering, the doctors who help the dying, and all those in the blast radius of cancer cases. In one of the stories, Ms. Remen says she is always glad when she sees anger in a patient. Anger comes from a vital will to live, to demand that the world be different and better. Angry sufferers are more likely to fight and to recover. Anger bestows strength and forward momentum. The gifts of anger can obviously be used in destructive ways as well as constructive, but the vital energy of it is critical to surviving hard things. I’ve recommended Ms. Remen’s book before, I do it again here. It is worth reading.

After listening for a time to the church lesson, I raised my hand and expressed the thoughts in the prior two paragraphs. I added that when we are close to someone who is wounded, stricken, injured, our job is to mourn with them, be angry with them, and walk along in their journey toward acceptance whatever peace is right for them. We can’t give them our answers, they must find their own. I’m pleased that many of the women who were saying everything happens for a reason, nodded along to this as well.

This morning a friend (who is mid-chemo therapy) posted a link to an article about Death and The Prosperity Gospel. My church is not the only one where “everything happens for a reason” is the party line. The article does a fantastic job of taking a look at the harmfulness of assuming that blessings and prosperity are rewards for good behavior. That doctrine is comforting because it provides the illusion of control. If we are good, then our lives will be blessed. I even think there is some truth to that. Our choices definitely affect our outcomes. This is an important lesson for people to understand: choosing well makes life better. Yet we also have to acknowledge that life is hideously unfair. We do not start on even ground. We are bequeathed unfair loads of challenges, economic status, and family situation at birth. This is compounded by societal unfairness that smooths the path for some people and smashes others. Our choices can make our lives better, but prosperity is not an accurate measure of goodness.

The paragraph in that article which hit me most was this one about grieving:

One of the most endearing and saddest things about being sick is watching people’s attempts to make sense of your problem. My academic friends did what researchers do and Googled the hell out of it. When did you start noticing pain? What exactly were the symptoms, again? Is it hereditary? I can out-know my cancer using the Mayo Clinic website. Buried in all their concern is the unspoken question: Do I have any control?

I’ve actually seen this happen. Years ago I was present when a friend of mine informed people that he had five years to live. I watched him bear the brunt of their reactions, person after person. He ended up comforting his friends about his impending death. I think of that, and I think of the article about How Not to Say the Wrong Thing. It can be so hard when a friend gives you bad news to not try to make it better. It is hard to not attempt to exert control over the situation. Yet what sufferers need is for us to meet them where they are and just be with them in acknowledging that what they’re going through sucks.

I wish I had better answers than this, but I don’t and that is the point. I would dearly love to be able to fix it when Howard has a depressed day or when my son is so lonely and isolated that he lays in bed crying. Instead I just have to be willing to stay in the pain with them and remind them that the pain will subside, that there are choices we can make which may help, that they are loved by me and by God, both of whom hurt for their hurting. And that if they listen carefully, God will help them turn this experience into future strength and usefulness. If they need to be mad at God for not fixing it, I stay with them for that too. So does He. It doesn’t feel like enough, but over and again it is what is needed. Mourn with those who mourn. Comfort those who stand in need of comfort.