Holidays

Building a Family Culture for a Happy Holiday Season

By / December 5, 2012 / 1 Comment

It is December 5th and we only have two wrapped Christmas gifts under our tree. They were deposited there by my sister who visited last weekend. Usually the tree starts to accumulate presents within a day or two of when it goes up. This year the tree has been lovely for more than a week and we can still see both the tree skirt and the stuffed nativity set. I kind of like letting the tree be a center piece without the distraction of packages. I like even more that none of the kids have commented on this. None of them are hovering hopefully to see if there are presents for them as has been the case in years past. In fact our house has a significant lack of the things-I-want vibe. Howard and I have had a couple of discussions about what to get the kids, but there aren’t any items we must get or be faced with disappointment. Some of this is because our kids are older, but I think some of it is the family culture we have gradually built around Christmas. I thought it might be useful to list out the things we consciously do to focus on the non-commercial aspects of the holiday season. I ended up with twelve list items which seams seasonally appropriate.

1. We keep it small. All of our Christmas decorations fit into four medium size boxes and one big Christmas tree bag. It is enough to make our front room lovely, but not for a dazzling show. If we want to spread the holiday through the house we light a scented candle and play music.

2. We don’t do Santa. This was really hard when the kids were little and everywhere we turned people expected them to believe in Santa. I was always afraid that my kids would talk Santa with other kids and then angry parents would confront me. However, without a belief in Santa, my kids never believed that their wildest dreams would just appear on Christmas morning. They understood that even Christmas has practical limitations because the providers of Christmas were a very human Mom and Dad. Christmas morning surprises supplied by parents were still magical.

3. We avoid exposing ourselves to advertising, particularly television commercials, as much as possible. Advertising creates a false reality which aims to make people believe their lives will be better if they buy something. This is rarely true.

4. If at all possible we avoid shopping in a hurry. Going to stores and looking for gifts can be an enjoyable part of the holiday season, but it is when we’re stressed and in a hurry that we blow our budget or buy items we regret later. We usually try to enter stores with a clear idea of what we’re looking for and why we need it.

5. When gift giving commences we sort the presents by who is giving them not by who gets to open them. We take turns and each gift is handed over by the giver. This practice really helped our young kids focus on the giving aspect of the season.

6. We remember that disappointment happens and it is not the end of the world. Christmas does not have to be perfect. The gifts do not have to bring ecstatic joy to be good gifts. In fact, we try to avoid frenzies of excitement because they are always followed by a let down. Half of our Christmas efforts involve slowing things, calming things, and pacing the season.

7. Many of our traditions and decorations are about lights in darkness. We light our tree, light our house, and burn an advent candle each evening. (Except when we forget and light it extra long the next day.) On Christmas eve we light all the candles of a nativity pyramid. Light in darkness makes us all more happy and peaceful.

8. We don’t travel during the holidays. These days staying home is critical because I’m in the midst of holiday shipping, but even before that we stayed at home. Connecting with extended relatives is lovely and important, and we do get together with the ones nearby, but any trip which requires a suitcase can find a different time of year. That way we can focus on the visit instead of holiday logistics.

9. Optional events are optional. This season is full of concerts, special events, displays, and limited time offers. No one person can take advantage of them all. We sample as the mood strikes and try to not feel obligated to do too much.

10. Traditions which add more stress than joy get culled from our holiday practices. The best traditions are the ones that happen of their own accord because someone loves them enough to spend the effort. We have a tree because we all care about it enough to haul the thing up from the basement and assemble it. This year we have outdoor lights after a long outdoor light hiatus, because this year I wanted them enough to put them up.

11. We know that holiday culture grows and changes. When the kids were younger, I had to spend a lot more effort creating the holiday, planning the gift choices, planning family traditions. We’ve reached a stage where we all create the holiday for each other in small ways. Ten years from now things will be different again.

12. We weave our religious beliefs into the holiday celebrations and preparations, but not every single thing has to be about Christ. We try to make themes of Christ the ever present background music of the holiday rather then always requiring it to be front and center. That way when we do bring it to the front, we’re able to focus and attend.

I’m aware of the irony that I try very hard to de-commercialize and simplify our family traditions, while simultaneously running a retail business for which we offer holiday sales and incentives. I can only hope that our books and merchandise are things which add joy to holidays rather than stress. Because I really do wish for everyone to have a December that is tailored to their ideas of what the holidays should be. That is the key really, finding what brings happiness and paring away the rest.

Decorating for Christmas

By / November 23, 2012

Last year I performed an experiment. Partly I did it because I was too stressed and busy to do anything else, but I also wanted to see what would happen. Instead of orchestrating the holiday decorating, I pulled out the boxes and waited to see whether the kids would put things up. I left the boxes out for a week and then whatever was still in a box didn’t get put out that year. It was informative to see which Christmas decorations really mattered and which were clutter. I culled out the clutter before putting all the decorations away. This year my approach is different. With company expected and a shipping coming up as soon as the calendars arrive, I do not want to live with a clutter of decoration boxes taking up space. It feels like today is my one day to spend on decorating for the holiday. After today I’ll be launched into all the tasks which people outside my house depend upon me to complete.

In the past several years there has been a source of holiday guilt. We have not put up outdoor lights. I simply have not had the energy and no one else devoted the time. I knew I was making that choice and felt fairly at peace with the lack of outdoor lights, but other members of my family felt the lack. This year I wanted lights outdoors. I wanted them both as a gift to my family, but also because I just wanted them. It meant I had to climb a ladder, which is something I liked doing at a younger age before my imagination was quite so full of scenarios where people fall off ladders. I braved the ladder. I altered the plan so that I did not have to climb through a tree which apparently hosts some hibernating wasps. I knew I had to do the outdoor lights first or I would be too tired to do them later. I will put up a Christmas tree in defiance of fatigue, I will not put up outdoor lights in the same condition. I know me.

The outdoor lighting began at 11 am. The tree assembly began at 1 pm. Lighting the tree began around 3 pm. It is now 5:30 and the decorating is essentially done. I know I’ve accomplished the most important piece, which is this:

Some of these books are so sappy they are annoying, some of them are wistful, some of them I love, some of them we still have because the kids love them even if I do not. I try to collect them carefully, because we don’t have any more room on the piano, but I can’t turn down a book which speaks to me. Somehow pulling out the holiday books makes the season real. Oddly, the other thing that does this is my Christmas tree skirt. It is red, white, and green crushed velvet. I only ever get a good look at it when I am putting it on or putting it away. The rest of the time it gets covered with gifts.

This year we have a small addition to our decorations. Max is a sock doll zombie who has been part of our Halloween for several years now. But this year he didn’t want to be put back in the box with the pumpkin stuff. Surely a little friendly zombie can be a Christmas decoration if he has the appropriate hat, right?

The house is decorated. In the process of decorating, both Howard and I accomplished a dozen small house maintenance tasks which have been waiting. Things feel renewed and ready. Tomorrow I have to get back to my regular work.

Thanksgiving

By / November 22, 2012

The elapsed time from when we gathered to pray over the food and when the first child asked to be excused from the table was about fifteen minutes. I momentarily considered denying the petition and requiring more family togetherness, trying to stretch out the Thanksgiving meal. Except I could see that two other children were also nearly done eating and I didn’t really see the point. Four hours of preparation, fifteen minutes of eating time. If the time spent eating is the focal point of the holiday, then I could easily feel frustrated or like the holiday was not all it should be. Except Thanksgiving is not just the part where everyone sits down and eats. Thanksgiving is the kids squabbling in the back yard because I sent three of them outside to bag leaves, but two of them are more interested in playing parachute with the garbage bags. It is the dance Howard and I do around each other as I’m preparing rolls and he’s making mashed potatoes. We trade off counter space, spatulas, and measuring utensils, taking turns at the sink. Then we flow easily into making stuffing and chicken preparation. Thanksgiving is me organizing the linen closet because it has been out of control for months and somehow neat stacks of linen make me feel ready to decorate for Christmas. Thanksgiving is requiring the kids to clean up their stuff so that the front room is ready to host our Christmas tree. Thanksgiving is bright sunlight and cool air which we draw through the kitchen with a fan because the oven has been on all morning. Thanksgiving is me sitting in the kitchen with the dirty plates and left overs while the voices of the kids playing games float from downstairs. The whole day is the holiday, not just the part where we eat food.

Part of me wants to photograph everything from the scattering of half full glasses on the table to the dirty dishes in the sink. Today my eyes find beauty in all all of it. These things tell me stories about family and togetherness. Unfortunately the photographs would just show dirty dishes in a chipped porcelain sink. I can not preserve Thanksgiving. I have to let it go so that we can move onward to what comes next. In this case the very next thing is kitchen clean up. Tomorrow we’ll haul Christmas out of storage and arrange it all over the house.

Bright Holidays in the Dark Season

By / November 17, 2012

It was dark when I came up the stairs at 5:30 pm. My office has no windows, so if I work in the afternoon, I don’t notice the fading daylight. I just emerge and discover the world to be already dark. It makes me understand why extra lights are such a feature of the holiday season. We’re trying to chase away the darkness with holiday cheer. Or maybe that is just me. This is the time of year when I light candles and watch the melting wax. Last year I even made some candles. We try not to break out the holiday music until after Thanksgiving, but that holiday is only five days from now. Somehow the march of days has carried me all the way to the end of November. We’ve entered the dark, housebound portion of the year. Part of me wants to jump forward to when there is more daylight. Part of me wants to slow down because time is slipping away quickly. Part of me wants to dash ahead to embrace the coming changes. Part of me wants to huddle right here where they haven’t happened yet.

I’ve begun to accumulate things which will be wrapped for Christmas. At this time of year I have to figure out how I’m going to manage (or not manage) the holiday. During the financially lean years of 2004-2006 I did all the planning and shopping. I carefully balanced everything and had it all done before Thanksgiving. Last year I was too stressed and busy to do much advance planning, and the holiday happened anyway. This year I appear to have some brain space to spare for holiday planning, but I think that perhaps I shouldn’t. Christmas needs to be a community project, not mine to arrange and manage. Also, the spaces I have in my schedule need to be filled with more writing, not more elaborate holiday preparations.

Halloween

By / October 31, 2012 / 4 Comments

The day had a plan. Most of my days do. It began with getting Kiki up early so that she could don her elf ears and make up. Fortunately I only had to poke her awake and then I went back to bed for another hour. The result was quite lovely.

In so many ways Kiki is coming into her own this year. Most of the costumes she’s had in the past few years have fit her awkwardly, identities which did not quite suit. She would come home from school eager to shed the costume and be normal again. This elf costume is different. She kept it on and volunteered to shepherd the younger kids for trick or treating. It suits her. She loved wearing it and plans to pull it out again for conventions and other costumish events in the future. I dropped her off at school that morning happy, and she still was happy at the end of the day.

The other three kids had more mixed experiences with their Halloween celebrations. Patch was Steve from Minecraft, who I’m assured is a very cool thing to be. I watched lots of Patch’s peers recognize him and praise Patch for the costume.

The trouble for Patch arrived during PE when the class was playing dodge ball. He got hit in the face with a ball, more specifically he took a direct hit to his left eye, at short range, and it happened so fast that the eye was unable to blink in time. The first I knew of the problem was when he called me from school. I went to the school and played 20 diagnostic questions with Patch, trying to figure out whether this was a case for taking it home or taking it to the doctor. There were enough concerning answers (but thankfully no alarming ones) that I decided a doctor was called for. Fortunately we snagged an appointment with the regular doctor rather than needing to go to the emergency room. I must say I was not impressed with the substitute teacher who seemed to think that Patch should just tough it out.

The diagnosis was a scratched cornea. The scratches were quite obvious once the doctor dripped florescent dye on the eye and shone a black light over it. I could see half a dozen little scrape marks. The florescent dye itself was interesting. I told Patch we were giving him a zombie eye for Halloween, which he thought sounded exciting. Of course he needed a picture.

So we have a creepy glowing eye of Patch for Halloween. Sadly, in normal light, it just looked as if we spilled something yellow on his eye. The photo is just blurry enough to obscure the scratches. We have ointment and reassurance that the scratches will heal up in a week or so.

Medical adventures with Patch chewed up the afternoon I was supposed to use helping Howard prep for convention departure tomorrow. Link and Gleek both came home from school grouchy. Gleek discovered that platform heels have some significant disadvantages when worn all day. She also spilled on her costume dress and was afraid it was ruined forever. We laundered it before trick or treating and all was well again. It became even better when Gleek realized that if she ditched the shoes, she could make the dress flow behind her as she ran. Link’s grouchiness settled out, but returned after a Halloween party which was part fun and part socially complicated. Sorting out the social complications required sitting down and talking for a bit.

There was pizza for dinner, purchased on the same run when I picked up Patch’s eye ointment. The kids vanished out to trick or treating and parties leaving me to answer the door. We had a reasonable number of visitors, but I definitely over stocked on the candy. It is probable that many kids skipped our house because the porch light is broken and we never got around to carving pumpkins. We never even got around to buying pumpkins. Deep inside me there is a small wistfulness at the lack of pumpkins, but mostly I am grateful that the kids never seemed to notice this lack or care about it. One less thing to do is a good today. In between answering the door I packed up artwork and ran loads of laundry.

Children arrived home with piles of candy. The run through the neighborhood made Gleek, Patch, and Kiki all happy. I was happy that Kiki went out with them, that she had a chance to be out trick or treating, because next year she is unlikely to be at home for Halloween. Also, I was glad to not trail after kids when I had so many things waiting to be done. Link came home from his party mostly happy, but needing to talk. Then the more that he talked, the more the difficult parts of the day emerged. Until I had to distract him with a video and warmed up pizza.

What with one thing and another it became 10 pm and half the kids were in bed. I finally had time to sit and think thoughts about the day. I like Halloween. This one felt a bit more chaotic than usual because it coincided with convention preparations. But it is always fun to see so many people taking time to put together and wear costumes. This expression of play is very good for communities. I like that the whole school day bends around the Halloween celebrations. I love seeing all the cleverness. Like the mother dressed as the Cat in the Hat with her pair of twins dressed as Thing 1 and Thing 2.

I like seeing familiar characters and much newer ones. I particularly liked this friendly little robot.

It is good to see the classics still being loved.

It was a chaotic day. One that was constantly rearranged. It had moments of frustration like the mason jar candle that is impossible to light without an extra long match. Moments of joy as when I photographed Gleek mid-run and Kiki the elf near a tree. Moments of amusement observing Kiki’s text conversation with a friend. It was a day where I spent eight hours on my feet running from one thing to the next. Yet it was a good one. And now, sleep.

Halloween Costume Negotiations

By / October 29, 2012

Gleek, having declared the costume she wore to the church carnival as “boring,” was in dire need of a dress appropriate to the goddess Artemis. I took her to the thrift store, expecting a repeat of what I experienced several years ago when Gleek suffered choice paralysis. Choosing one costume meant giving up all the others and that was very hard. This year she barely glanced at anything that didn’t meet her ideas of Artemis clothing. Most of my suggestions were wrong. We argued over a little faux fur dress “foxy lady“costume, not because it couldn’t be altered to be age appropriate, but because it cost $40. I could see why it appealed to her as a huntress dress, but $40 was a bit steep. In the end we found a goldish flowy dress (for $6) which makes Gleek feel like Artemis. We also brought home some high heeled wedge shoes trimmed with fur, because any huntress who chases after deer through a forest needs to do so while clomping and tottering on four inch heels. Obviously. The shoes came home with us on the understanding that they are only for play, not for church, school, or pretty much anywhere else, until she has gotten a bit older. I suspect they’ll lose their appeal before she’s old enough. Which is fine. Right now she’s toying with being more grown up, as many eleven year olds do. I can hear her clomping around upstairs feeling very grown up and ready to take on the world. And thus our costuming is complete. I hope.

Preparing for Valentine’s Day

By / February 13, 2012

My Valentines preparations went like this:

Answer the door and receive delivery of a valentine note for one of my children.
Realize that Valentine’s day is, in fact, tomorrow.
Remember that, unlike the rest of us who try to ignore it, for kids in grade school this holiday is Very Important.
Run to grocery store to buy candy in bulk.
Print pictures of Nintendo characters off of the internet.
Have kids cut out pictures and tape candy to the back.
Hope that this will not go down in memory as the worst Valentines day ever. I can never predict which unprepared moment will be the one that lives in infamy. I get away with lots, but I am reminded every year of the one time I cooked chicken for Thanksgiving instead of turkey.

Christmas Day 2011

By / December 25, 2011 / 2 Comments

1am on Christmas Day is too late to fix any of the Christmas planning errors I may have made during the preceding weeks. All those might-have-been trimmings and trappings circle in my brain instead of the visions of sugar plums which Clement Clark Moore assures me are what should be dancing about in there. Of course I have trouble visualizing sugar plums anyway, having never seen one. (Except that, of course, now I have, since I googled it the moment I finished typing that sentence. So now I know. I still don’t expect to be dreaming of them any time soon.)

The truth is that the best possible preparation I can make to ensure a happy Christmas day is to love and teach my children all year long. This means that whatever joys or disappointments arrive with the festivities, we’ve already got the tools and the sturdy relationships to manage. If the lack of a particular item on Christmas morning is truly traumatizing, then something far more fundamental is wrong. I know this. I believe this. I know my kids are fantastic people and that they are as much focused on the things they are giving as on the things they hope to receive. Everything is set up to be a lovely day. This does not stop me from slipping out of bed and sneaking a little bit of cash into each stocking. It is a small gesture which will bring joy tomorrow. It is worth doing even if the impulse behind it is my guilty conscience. As I said to Howard “How can it possibly be enough if I didn’t spend a month fretting over it?”

But it can. And it is. This is the secret of Christmas. It exists no matter how much time I spend creating it or trying to ignore it. This year our usual round of Christmas festivities was paused for an hour-long excursion to church. I love it when Christmas falls on Sunday for this very reason. However it does present a challenge for the youngest of my family. He did his mighty best to sit still and listen to songs about Jesus while his mind and heart were back home poking packages under the Christmas tree.

In the end my fretting was unnecessary. Each of us received pretty much exactly what the poem states:
Something you want
Something you need
Something to wear
Something to read
It is the recipe for a lovely Christmas day.

Process and Apologies

By / December 23, 2011

This is the postcard I send in packages when I’m having to re-send them. Sometimes I’m re-sending because the package somehow went on an extra-long trip to nowhere. Other times I’m re-sending because I’ve made a mistake while packing. I can’t hand deliver all packages. I don’t have a teraport. I’m human and will inevitably make stupid errors like forgetting to include an item or including the wrong item. I can’t be perfect, but I can apologize and try to make it better. It feels like I’ve been sending out too many of these postcards lately. I know that this is the natural result of me having sent out more packages. The error percentage has not increased. But I still have some notes for next year:

1. Get next year’s calendar released and shipped before Thanksgiving. This will reduce stress in December and increase the odds that calendars will not get lost in the holiday package traffic-jam that postal services become in December.

2. Budget my time so that I have space to be shipping packages daily from Dec 1st-20th. The remainder of the day will be completely consumed by family/parenting things. All other projects will fall by the wayside. Plan for this.

3. Breathe deep and try not to make any major business decisions in December, because the temptation to run away (screaming) from anything that looks like more work will be strong. You’ll feel differently in another month or so.

4. Remember that on the whole, Schlock fans are really nice people. They are not as frustrated with you as you fear that they are. The evidence for this is in all the responses you get to your apologetic emails.

So that is how business is going. Since shipping slowed down last Tuesday, I’m beginning to emerge from the “must get it done right now” haze. I’m starting to organize my house and my brain for January. Hopefully this will result in lovely blogging thoughts sometime soon. For now, I need to go sweep the kitchen floor.

Luminaries

By / December 19, 2011

They are just paper bags, but filled with light and placed outside on a cold dark night, they are beautiful. This is my small happy thing at the end of a long day.