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This morning’s attempt to clear out my inbox threw off the whole rest of the day. This was because one of the messages in my box was a notification about domain name renewal. There is a whole saga about our renewal of the schlockmercenary domain name. We’ve been wrestling with it for weeks now, but supposedly it was all fixed. Supposedly. I decided to double check. Not fixed. It is Saturday and customer support does not answer the phone.

The good news is that thanks to our marvelous web server guy, we’ve covered the gaps. Whether or not I can pummel sense into the domain company on Monday, Schlock fans will not have to go without their comic. I’ll be trumpeting information about this fix just as soon as it is all in place and has been tested. I really can not say enough nice things about our server guy. Every time we’ve called for any reason, he drops everything to help us. He even does this in situations like this one where part of the problem is that we didn’t take care of it sooner. (Although I’d have thought three weeks in advance was plenty of time to handle a domain renewal. Apparently not.)

So solution found. But it loomed all day. Because of the looming, I was unable to throw myself full bore into house cleaning the way that I had intended to do. The house is cleaner than it was, but not as clean as I’d intended. Sigh. Can I have Howard home now?

Back in the days when I was herding a toddler and a preschooler while toting a baby, I was frequently admonished that I should “enjoy it now because you’ll miss these days.” If I was feeling honest and if the person was someone I trusted, I would answer “I’m looking forward to missing these days.” It is now years later. I no longer have a baby or a toddler. In the fall I won’t even have a preschooler because Patch will have made the transition to kindergartener. Know what? I look back on those baby and toddler days, gleefully knowing that they are behind me. Do I miss them at all? There are things about them that I miss, but on the whole I’m glad to be here and not there. I am in a good place right now. I have three grade school kids and one blossoming teen. I think that these are the days I will miss when they are gone. Fortunately I’ve got a good 8-13 years left with kids at home. By the end of that, perhaps I will be all too happy to move into the next stage of my life. I’ve heard that being a grandma is a good gig when it comes to you. I’m not in a hurry to get there though. Here is really good.

My brain is full of thoughts. I intend to dump them here at random. Coherence is optional.

One week from tomorrow I’ll be handing kids off to my relatives. This would be stressing me more, except that I have so many things to do in the next week that I haven’t had time to let the thought sink in.

I’ve been so busy this past week that I’ve hardly had time to miss Howard, something I usually spend a lot of time doing when he is gone. Also it was four days after he left before I remembered that I’d intended to write little notes and stick them in his luggage for him to find while he was gone.

Kiki has girls camp starting next Tuesday. I’ve done nothing to prepare for this except glance at the packing list. I hope that I have everything on hand and last minute shopping won’t be necessary.

Today at the grocery store I finally spent $4 and bought the eco-friendly fabric grocery bags. So far I really like them. They are stronger and bigger than plastic bags. They’re easier to carry from the car to the house because the handles are much longer. They’re square, so food packs into them nicely. They were a little harder for the bagger because they have a tendency to flop over until they’re filled. I think I like them better than both paper and plastic bags. Now I have to see if I can actually remember to take them back with me to the store.

Patch came in from riding his bike with a flushed face. He sat next to me on the couch and said “mom?”
I looked at him and said “You need a drink of gatorade.”
Patch nodded.
I got up from the couch. As I was standing up I said “And you need a hug.”
Patch had been headed for the kitchen, but he spun in place and threw his arms wide. “Yeah!”
Someday he’ll be too little to hug me while I carry him to the kitchen, but today he was the perfect size for it.

Today I found a link to Cake Wrecks. It provided me more than an hour’s worth of delighted reading.

I got all the magnet orders into the mail and placed a re-order because we are now temporarily out of magnets. Howard has a pile with him at Comic Con, but any left over from there are slated to be carried to World con.

Howard is having a great time at Comic Con. This is a lovely contrast to last year when the event was nothing but stressful. I love having him call me and spill thoughts about who he talked to and how the booth is doing. It looks like we’re going to turn a profit on this venture. This is good. Howard is also having all kinds of potentially valuable conversations.

Kiki and Link just arrived home. When they walked in the door, I realized how much I’d missed them even though they were only gone for one night. Being away from the kids for Worldcon is going to be hard. It is also going to be fun. In fact my looming trip to World Con is so fraught with emotion that I found myself having trouble talking about it with neighbors the other night. In a small talk situation, it is hard to explain that I am nervous and excited and stressed all at the same time. It is going to be a wonderful vacation from my regular life. It is also going to be exhausting and emotionally wracking to be wearing my professional face all day for 5 days straight. I’m going to have a great time hanging out with Howard. I’m going to have moments where I just want to crawl in the van and go home so that I can see my kids. I will cry when on the phone with the kids. Gleek will call me in tears at least twice. Probably more like 5 or 10 times. Those phone calls will increase in frequency the longer we are separated. There will be times when I call the kids and none of them will be interested in talking to me because they’re too busy having fun. I will be sorry when World con is over. I will be glad to return to my normal life. There will be a hundred other thoughts and emotions, some of which I am expecting, others will ambush me.

Now that I have all the random thoughts pinned down by words, I may have space to plan dinner. After that I need to lead an assault on the mess that is our family room.

Today:
Awakened by a phone call reminding me that I’ve committed to taking Kiki and Link to visit their friend a 90 minute drive away.
Scrambled out of bed to make two kids pack for overnight. Also to arrange babysitting for Gleek and Patch since I don’t have enough passenger seats for all the kids in Howard’s VW.
Drove 90 minutes to friend’s house.
Drove 90 minutes back.
Retrieved cranky kids from neighbor.
Plunked cranky kids in front of videos because I know they’re over tired and it was the activity least likely to inspire sibling warfare.
Spent 5 hours packaging magnets for shipping. It is good to get this done. It would have been nicer to get this done last week, but the magnets did not arrive until yesterday. I’m still not done because I already need to place a re-order.
Let the kids run wild with the neighbor kids while a neighbor lit pioneer day fireworks.
Got kids into bed far later than they should have gone. Hopefully they’ll sleep in late tomorrow.

Usually I spend significant energy trying to get the kids to bed on time during the summer. This year I’ve just let it slide. Some nights they’re in bed by 9:30 others by 11:00. Now, after several 11:00 nights in a row, I’m really feeling a need to assert an earlier bedtime. I”m tired of the daytime crankiness. I’m really tired of the cranky-induced defiance. Both Gleek and Patch threw tantrums at my neighbor’s house today. I really need to stabilize life for them before I hand them off to relatives for a week.

This morning I intended to spend the day putting my house into order. There were things to be cleaned. This plan was derailed by 1600 magnets which finally reached completion. I paid for the magnets, brought them home, and then spent the middle of the day packaging them for shipping. Around 4 pm I crashed onto the couch with a book, ready for a short break. This action must have pinged the “mommy availability” sensors that my kids seem to have. Within minutes, Patch came into the room and snuggled into the space between me and the couch. Usually when a child comes to me, that child wants me to do something. This time all Patch wanted was to be close to me. I kissed the top of his head and remembered that I’d meant to give him a bath as part of the cleaning. He certainly needed one. But I was not ready to give up the snuggly moment yet.

I put my book down and tried to think what conversation I could have with my son. I counted days in my head and realized that in just over a week I’ll be handing him off to relatives while I go on a business trip. I’d been picturing that event as a safe two weeks away, but it is almost in my lap. So we talked a little bit about him going to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. He was more interested in talking beyond that to when he gets to go on a father/son campout with Link and Howard. So we talked about camping and tents. Then we circled back around to the trip to Grandma’s house.

Then Gleek showed up with a request and the moment was gone. From there we moved on to baths and the rest of the day.

One of the things I wanted to accomplish this week was clothes shopping. A space opened up this afternoon, so I left Kiki in charge of the other kids and took off to Savers. I spent a peaceful hour browsing through the racks and trying things on. In the end I found 4 pairs of pants, a shirt, and a sweater for about $30. I love Savers.

When I came home, I realized that what I really wanted to do was get outside and do something active. It has been far too long since I’ve done something enjoyable that requires muscle power. (Hauling boxes of books is exercise, but it ain’t fun.) Since I’d already ditched the kids once, this time I decided to take them along. I decided on a bike ride. A couple of months ago we bough Kiki a new bike. This meant that for the first time in more than a decade, we own a bike that is the right size for me. I asked her if I could borrow it. Gleek and Patch got out their bikes and we got ready to hit the road.

Kiki followed us out saying “I’ve got to see this.” It turns out that she thought the idea of mom on a bike was highly amusing. It was new territory for the other kids as well. They kept making encouraging statements to me about how bikes were fun and I should not worry. Amid a cloud of well intentioned advice, we set off. It was not a fast or exciting ride because I had to keep to a pace that Patch could maintain. His legs and wheels are smaller than mine. The return trip took three times as long as the trip out because we turned around when Patch started complaining of tired legs instead of anticipating tiredness and turning around sooner. We were all hot and sweaty by the time we arrived home, but a good time was had by all. I shall have to do it again, although I think I’ll try to pick a time of day when it is not 90 degrees outside.

This morning was filled with the last-minute bustle of preparing for Comic con. At 3 pm Howard hugged us all, climbed into the van and left. I watched him drive away. Then I walked into the house and stopped. Every time Howard leaves on a trip I go into this numb state where I’m just waiting for him to get back. I spend lots of time reading or watching movies because it makes the time pass more quickly. I’m usually able to shake it off after the first 24 hours, mostly. The rhythms of the days are broken. True, I enjoy watching girlie movies without feeling like I’m using time I should be spending with Howard, but then the movies are over and the house is empty of conversation. Unless I want to spend time listening to the antics of the Sim families that my kids have created. (We’re experiencing a Sims revival at our house this week.)

Tomorrow I need to get back into gear. There are things I need to get done before next week. “Waiting for Howard to get back” should not be among my top ten priorities.

This time last year, Howard and I looked at a calendar and realized exactly how many conventions he’d committed to attend. I knew then that the year would be crazy and full of new things. It was also about a year ago that I began to do layout work for the Schlock books. We are now nearing the end of that year of craziness. After Worldcon, Howard has no travel scheduled. At all. I can’t remember the last time there wasn’t a trip looming on the calendar ahead. I am looking forward to some routine. I’m looking forward to developing a family/work rhythm that isn’t thrown off by travel. I’m looking forward to cranking out the Schlock books and releasing them on a regular schedule. I’m looking forward to not having the last minute panic of “we’ve got to get this book out before we run out of money.” I’m looking forward to having enough space in my brain to keep in touch with the kids’ teachers.

The past 12 months have been all about stretching to do new things. I hope the next 12 months are about settling in.