My late night night post about fear helped me realize that much of my fear about the kids was based in the fact that for 10 days I will not be there for them. I’ve selected some responsible adults to stand in my place, but it is not the same. This morning I took a quiet moment and spoke with Gleek. The timing was opportune. She had things she had been worrying about that she hadn’t been saying. She was worrying about death and the relatives that she will never get to meet. She cried over Howard’s parents and my grandfather. I held her close and told her what stories I could about these people. I also shared with her my beliefs about death and how life goes on afterward. This is a familiar conversation to me. There seems to be some brain development around the age seven and a half which opens up worlds of new comprehension. Kiki and Link both sat in my lap at similar ages and cried over similar things. Like Link, Gleek expressed a wish that she could stay a kid forever. She wants to always climb trees and grown ups don’t do that. She is beginning to comprehend that to be grown up is to change and the person she is now will be gone. I grieve with her. I like the person she is now. However I also understand that we can not be frozen in time. We are not like Peter Pan. The very fact that Gleek fears growing up, shows that she has already begun. I rejoice in her new understanding even while sympathizing with her fears.
The conversation moved onward to the fact that she is going to be away from me. We talked about exactly how this will happen, the stages of her trip. I talked about the fun she is going to have. Then I expressed concern that I would not be there for her when she was feeling sad. She curled up small in my lap. “I want you to be there mommy.” She paused a moment, then added. “But I can go to Grandma.” It was important for us to confront the problem and for Gleek to have a plan. Then she and I decided that it would help if I put together some packages of fun things that she could open when she feels sad. Gleek liked this idea and was ready for me to pack them up right now. Instead I fed her breakfast. Then when she skipped off to play with a friend, I went shopping at the dollar store.
For young children the dollar store is a glorious feast of shiny things that they can afford to buy. I filled my basket with little things. Most of them are either little games or activities that can be shared, or art supplies. I made sure to get some things for my niece as well, since she will be traveling with Gleek and Patch. I don’t want her to feel left out. I also hit Barnes & Noble and got each of them a new book. I brought the things home and began to wrap them. Things that are wrapped are much more exciting than things which are not. I used brown packing paper for the wrapping because I have an abundance of it. Whenever I see a brown paper package I think of the song “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music. It was apropos to this situation because the song is all about feeling better when you’re scared or sad. Since we’d watched the movie recently, I know the kids will remember the song. I grabbed string and tied up all the packages. Now when the kids feel sad, they can get out one of the brown paper packages tied up with strings. They can know that mom sent it just for them. Many of these packages may come home still wrapped. That’s okay too, because it means that the kids did not need them. The point is the package was there if they did need it.
It may be silly, but I already feel better.
To Gleek, mostly, but also to all the other kids out there…
You don’t have to “grow up” and “do grown-up things” all the time. There’s no law, written or otherwise, that grown-ups can’t ride a bike, climb trees, play in the sand on the beach, swim in a river, make mud-pies or all kinds of other stuff that kids do. The real fun is when you get, as an adult, to do those things with kids – I guess it’s extra-special if they’re YOUR kids, but it’s not essential. I don’t have any kids of my own, and I honestly doubt now that I ever will. But friends of mine have kids, and sometimes they visit, or I visit them, and we play on swings and roundabouts, have water-pistol fights, and other cool stuff.
OK, I do have to work and do other grown-up stuff some of the time. But that doesn’t stop me doing “kids” stuff (like playing games on the computer) when I have time – it’s a bit like how you have to do schoolwork in school; but you still get to have playtime and play games.
The best thing is that when you do grow up, in addition to all the kids games you can still play, there are grown-up games too.
So, don’t be afraid of growing up. Sure, life is never quite so simple as it was when you’re 7, but, if you ask me, the trick is not to grow up too far, and not to forget how to play kids games.
As a friend of mine put it: Grow up? I tried that when I was 19, I didn’t like it.
I love your reference to Peter Pan. There is a reason why Peter Pan is my favorite story, and there is a reason why I love the movie Hook. Personally, I feel that the two go together and complement each other incredibly well.
The message in Peter Pan that I have noticed is that you cannot stay a child forever. As the opening line states, “All children, except one, grow up.” In the end, Wendy realizes that she and her brothers cannot stay in Neverland any longer. They need to grow up. It is an opportunity to grow and develop, and to become something more than they already are, and it is not an opportunity to be missed. For some reason, I have always linked Neverland and the Garden of Eden in my mind. Both are wonderful places. However, if one simply remains there, the opportunity for development and growth is lost.
However, and this is what makes me happy, the story of Hook holds a complimentary message. The message in the movie seems to be that, although you grow up (as even Peter did, contrary to the first line of Barrie’s book), you should not leave your childhood, and that feeling of the fantastic, that wonder, behind. That was Peter’s dilemma, and that was the lesson he learned. In the end, of course, he did leave Neverland behind again; however, on his return to London, he kept the memory of Neverland, and there was the knowledge that it was always close. “You know that place between asleep and awake? That’s where I’ll always love you,” said Tinkerbell.
I have a friend who I recently picked up after a trip. I came straight from work, and she seemed somewhat distressed that I wear slacks and a button-down shirt to my job. I think she worries that I’m becoming too “grown-up.” I can honestly say that that’s not the case. Sure, I dress up nice for work, and I pay bills, and work in a corporate environment. However, I promise you, I never lose sight of that magical door that opens into my own personal Neverland. And something tells me that neither will Gleek. 🙂
Wow… that turned into a longer comment than I was expecting. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I have a fort to build under the kitchen table.
This blog post would make a very good essay, I think, with a little expansion. When you have time to think about such things, of course.
I agree. I still climb trees, much to my BF’s chagrin. *snicker* That’s mostly because I’m clumsy and tend to fall out of things. I also act silly a lot. Today I was trying to catch salmon fry in a puddle (our creek overflowed, then receded). I didn’t catch anything, but I got to see some water snails and some weird thing with a whippy tail that I need to post online and see if anyone can identify.
I need to make more space in my life for this kind of stuff. I still enjoy it, but I rarely take the time. This means that to Gleek adulthood is Mommy sitting in her office or cleaning the house. I need to make sure I have fun where the kids can see.
Both Peter Pan and Hook have great resonance for me as well. For me Peter Pan is primarily about being a kid. Growing up is that bit at the end. Interestingly as soon as Wendy grows up, the story is essentially over. I think this mirrors Gleek’s worries. She can sympathize with Wendy-the-child, but not with Wendy-the-grown-up. I, as an adult, can sympathize with both and so the story of Peter Pan gains added layers as my own experiences play into the story. Hook is more direct. It is about finding the child within. Hook is the one I need to be focusing on right now. I need to play where Gleek can see me so that she knows that growing up is not the end of play.
She’s right though. It is not the same. I still miss the days when I could pretend so thoroughly that the things I was pretending were as real as I was. What she can’t see is that there are vistas and possibilities open to adults that children can’t even comprehend yet. An adult has the power to pretend and work so hard that the dream becomes real for everyone.
Good suggestion. I’ll put it on my list. In fact some of the comments and my responses are already giving me ideas about how to expand. Thanks.
on the subject of death…
For some reason we end up talking about death a lot at our house. Our one cat, Harley, died in 2005 and we end up talking about him too.
Just be really glad that your daughter doesn’t come up with the idea that she has to die so she can play with the deceased kitty…and then she tries to hold her breath long enough to die so she can play with the deceased kitty because she can’t wait until she is old and dies a natural death to play with that dead kitty.
(we’ve tried to tell her that killing yourself is bad and you wouldn’t get to meet with that kitty if you kill yourself… you have to be patient and wait and be old and die a natural death in order to get to play with the kitty.)
whew. half funny, half scary.
I would cherish a nice conversation about beloved relatives who have passed on and about our comforting beliefs about death and life after death. that sounds nice.
“The very fact that Gleek fears growing up, shows that she has already begun.”
I love this statement. Very thought-provoking.
Also, maybe I’m a kid at heart, but if your little ones know there are gifts for them for when they are sad, will that encourage a few extra sad moments so they can open more gifts? 😉 I love the idea of gifts from you. I think little notes to open would be sweet, too.
I hope you have a WONDERFUL time on your trip. Your amazing preparations will help everything go smoothly while you are gone.
and, equally to the point, with them, like going on the bike ride the other day. Or even just playing in the yard, or climbing trees 🙂
Re: on the subject of death…
It is funny the twists kids put on the information we give them. Fortunately as your girl grows she’ll start to really comprehend why “going to see the kitty right now” is not a good idea.
We will have a wonderful time. The kids will have a wonderful time. I’m just getting all the fretting out of the way ahead of time. 🙂
We even have suitable trees in our back garden…