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In movies, particularly kid’s movies, there is a triumphant scene in which the good guys win, the bad guys lose, and everything is set right. Sometimes there is a little bit more movie to tie off all the loose ends, and then the credits role. The story is satisfying and complete. Life is not like that. Oh, there are definitely triumphant moments. The moment when we win the race and hold the trophy high. That feels good. But life does not stop and roll credits. Instead there is the next morning when we roll out of bed with sore muscles, eye that trophy which represents a pinnacle of achievement, and wonder what comes next. Sometimes the next goal is obvious, sometimes it is not. But off we go to chase the next prize.

This morning I had a patch of weedy clay which is supposed to be a vegetable garden. I took a shovel and turned over all the earth. I then dumped fertilizer on and shoveled it in. This evening I led a parade of children, so that they could each help me put a plant into the ground. Each child carefully dug a hole in the now soft soil, placed a plant, and tucked it in with a layer of dirt. They stepped back, satisfied with their work. I stepped back too. It was a beautiful brown patch of dirt with little green sprouts of life sticking up in neat rows. I was tired, but it was done, a triumph. Only, it is not done. If I walk away from that garden calling it complete, it will die. Those weeds that I dug out are going to try to come back. Those plants that I put in are going to be thirsty. Life does that. Offers us little triumphs saying “Congratulations. Now get back to work.”

From this perspective, the triumphs can seem futile. Why should we strive, if the reward for a job well done is another job? The secret to happiness lies in loving the work. Sometimes we can choose to do the work that we love. Other times we must simply find things to love about the work that we must do. I did not love all the shoveling, but it was satisfying. There was measurable progress toward something that I do love, the planting. It was also good exercise, something I need more often. I am frequently grouchy about putting my kids to bed, but when I slow myself down, I can find pieces of it to love. I do not like doing dishes, but I love having a clean kitchen.

This evening I wiped the kitchen table in preparation for dinner. In the midst of wiping, I had a triumphant moment. I realized that for once I’d accomplished all the tasks of the day. The garden was ready, the laundry was running, dinner was cooked, the kids were playing. I had a momentary thought that I’ve gotten pretty good at this. I have learned to juggle all the tasks necessary to run a household, a family, and a home business simultaneously. I do not always succeed perfectly, but I am capable of far more today than I was five years ago. It was an invisible moment of triumph. No one noticed it but me. I have a lot of those. I take them where I can because I have just as many or more failures, some of which are very visible indeed. Either way life tells me the same thing. “Congratulations, (or condolences) Now get back to work.” And I do, because the work is good.

Romantic comedy movies are like chocolate. They aren’t very filling, a little bit makes me happy, a lot makes me feel sick. Romantic comedies rarely have much depth and they frequently depend upon the characters being stupid to maintain the tension of the plot. It really irritates mewhen the character I’m supposed to identify with consistently makes illogical or outright idiotic choices. But despite this common flaw, I still enjoy watching them every so often.

Last night I watched 27 Dresses starring Katherine Heigl. I found myself completely drawn in and immersed. Usually when a movie makes me cry I feel tricked or angry because I did not want to feel that. I shed tears during this movie, but I did not mind. After the movie was over, I tried to figure out why I was so drawn in to this particular comedy. In part it is because the viewpoint character, Jane, does not make illogical decisions. She does not lie or pretend to be something other than she is. She does not try to undermine other people. She does not try elaborate shenanigans to win the object of her affection. Some of those things are done by other people and they actually get rewarded appropriately for their ridiculousness.

But the reason for my immersion in the film goes deeper than a lack of annoying romantic comedy tropes. I know this because plenty of the tropes were there in full force. The key for why this movie kept me involved and keeps me thinking, is the main character. Jane is a woman who finds joy in helping others. She loves beauty, particularly in the form of weddings. She has dreams of what she wants for the future, (mostly to fall in love and have a beautiful wedding, not deep or ambitious, but what do you expect from a romantic comedy?) but she constantly and consistently puts her desires aside to answer the perceived needs of others. This resonates strongly with me because I do it all the time. I always balance my own needs against the needs I see around me. The lesson Jane learns in the movie is that sometimes always putting others first does everyone a disservice. She learns to step up and take charge of her own life rather than always just waiting for her dreams to happen to her. I cried for Jane as I watched other characters steal her dreams from her piece by piece while Jane stood and let them because she loved them too much to stop them. I was so glad when Jane finally started standing up for herself and telling people what she wanted, when she finally gave everyone else the chance to assist in her dreams.

After the movie was over, I found myself wondering: am I like Jane? I’m very good at taking charge. I always have plans that I’m working toward. But I constantly worry about the balance between meeting the needs of others and reaching for the things that I want. I know there have been times where I have given up something I wanted because I’d rather cause pain to myself than to someone I love. Parents do this all the time. It is necessary and noble. It is also frequently taken too far. There comes a time when a parent must stand up and say: this time my wants come first. That has to be done for the benefit of the child as well as the parent. And this applies to all loving relationships, not just parent/child. The trick is knowing when it is time to stop sacrificing. I’m not sure I always do. I know there are times where I do too much. I fold clothes for a child who should fold their own. I pick up homework left laying on the counter and put it into backpacks. I pick up a beloved toy rather than let it get stepped on and broken. These are small services that I do out of love, but they also prevent the recipient from feeling the consequences of not doing these things. If I prevent all these small consequences, how will my children ever learn to be responsible for themselves? Not only that, but the services are so small that the recipient will never even notice that they were done. I make it too easy for people to take me for granted. Being busier has solved much of this. I’ve had to learn to say: no I can’t. Do it for yourself.

I think I need to watch this movie again. I want to figure out how much of what I’ve been thinking about is really in the film and how much I read into it.

I became a gardener the Spring and Summer of 1999 while I was recovering from radiation therapy. The slow pace of gardening was perfect for me at that time. For the past nine years, gardening has been solely my pursuit. Howard likes the idea of growing food, but he’s too busy to make time for it. The kids have also liked having food and flowers growing, but they weren’t interested in doing any of the work. For whatever reason, this year is different. This past week as I’ve gone to do my outside hour, a child or two will show up at my side. They want to know what I’m doing and if they can help. So we sit together and talk a little. Whatever task I am doing it seems like I can find some way for a child to be helpful. I think perhaps the kids have recognized that unlike when I’m working in my office, when I am gardening, I am available. I’ll put down my weeds and push them on a swing. I’ll listen to what they have to say and give detailed answers to questions. I like being available to them this way. My hour of outside time is being good for us all. It creates a not-busy space in my day where my kids do not have to fight for my full attention. I’m not just growing plants, I’m growing relationships and minds.

It is the end of May and I still have not planted any vegetables. I have no intention of doing a big or elaborate vegetable garden this year. I haven’t the time to maintain it. Nor do I have the time to can or preserve a big harvest. I do like to pick fresh tomatoes from the garden, so I want to plant at least a few. Around 4 pm today I discovered myself in a mood to venture to the garden center. The kids were scattered and playing happily, so I pictured myself meandering through the plants solo. Upon informing Howard of my plan, both of my sons perked up, dropped what they were doing, and pleaded to be able to go along with me. Who am I to say no to two pairs of big blue puppy-dog eyes?

The boys loved the garden center and so did I. Hundreds of flowers were in full bloom, water features abounded, and there were lots of little walkways promising a hint of adventure to a young boy. The boys went adventuring while I browsed. It was quite relaxing because the boys always checked back in with me every few minutes. I never had the chance to wonder where they’d gone. As an extra bonus I bought a bag full of ladybugs for us to release in our yard. A bag of bugs in the fridge is always great fun.

The garden center is financially dangerous for me. I want to buy everything, even if I have no idea where I will plant it. In theory I was just buying tomatoes, but I came home with chives, basil, petunias, pansies, a columbine, and 7 packets of seeds. This demonstrates restraint on my part. I wanted so much more. But I reminded myself that I need to spend this summer clearing out beds and making them ready. This Fall I’ll plant them all so that they are really beautiful next year.

On the way home we stopped at the grocery store. This was the stop that the boys had really wanted to make. They each wanted a treat. Patch already had his picked out, Doritos in a blue bag. Link latched onto a jug of green punch. Both boys were really focused on being helpful. I would tell Link what to get. He would grab it and carefully arrange it in the cart. Patch wanted to push the cart. I did not trust him to steer, so I grabbed the front end of the cart. It was rather like managing an unruly horse. Patch pushed with all his might and if I needed the cart to stop, I had to use some real muscle power to make it happen. The helpfulness evaporated when we arrived back home. Both boys did a little unloading, but for the most part they were too focused on getting to eat their treats. Ah well. It was nice while it lasted.

Slumber parties are invariably chaotic. It is very exciting to have extra people in the house. It is even more exciting when they bring piles of candy with them. No one got to bed on time last night. The chaos this morning was much more subdued, but it still did not resemble normal. The last of Kiki’s friends just went home and I have declared an hour of quiet time. Gleek and Patches particularly need it even though they don’t want it. I don’t know that any of them will actually fall asleep and nap, but at least this way I am providing the space for them to do so. This hour of quiet time is something I’m going to have to do much more often as we head into summer. Otherwise we get cranky with everyone home all day long.

The invasion of the K’s completely nixed any chance of a normal bedtime tonight. (Kiki’s four friends all have names that begin with the same letter of the alphabet as her name. They think this is the coolest thing ever.) In fact I’ve spent most of the evening segregating Link, Gleek, and Patch away from the four K’s because Kiki wants to have her friends for herself. Naturally Link, Gleek, and Patch all want to be where these cool new visitors are, particularly since the visitors brought fistfuls of pixie stix. I managed the trick by letting Link play on my computer and giving Gleek and Patches a movie upstairs. Also I gave them lots of treats. There was no way I was going to be able to get the younger ones to bed on time. I didn’t even try. This means that at 9:30 an over-stimulated, over-sugared Gleek was ready to melt into a puddle of scream.

I lured Gleek and Patch into bed by saying that they could snuggle together in the same bed. They love this kind of ‘sleepover.’ It lasted about 3 minutes before they squabbled and I separated them for the night. Link also wanted to be where the party was, but didn’t argue too hard when I sent him to bed with his gameboy. I’ll deal with making him stop playing later. Of course the four K’s were filling the house with loud laughter and loudish music during this period. I’m glad they’re having fun, but I ache for quiet with no children in it.

During the middle of all the chaos, Howard called to give me an update on when he’d be home. Mid-call he had his phone shanghaied by Julie Wright who wanted to say hello to me. I love Julie. At cons we go out to lunch and have delightful conversations about all sorts of stuff. Howard also passed along greetings from other friends. It made me realize how much I wanted to be there at Conduit rather than in my kitchen full of teenagers and children. I want to be here too. I want Kiki to have her wonderful teenage girl sleep over. I guess I’m just a little sad I have choose between a once-per-year birthday or a once-per-year convention. Or maybe I’m sad that my meetings with these friends are so rare. I may have to change that. I should make some plans to get together with them all. I don’t want to have to wait until next year.

For now Gleek and Patch have dropped into exhausted slumber. Next I need to tackle Link and the four K’s.

Today is the first day of Conduit, a science fiction convention in Salt Lake City, and I am not there. I’m not going to be there at all. This is sad because this particular convention is like a family reunion. There are so many friends that I love to talk to and it is nice to have them gathered in one convenient location. But conventions always make me excited, and motivated, and ready to move fast. Right now what I really need is to slow down. I’ve been running fast for months on end. I’ve just recently felt like I’m finding more of a balance between family and business. I really need to not disrupt that, even if it means missing out on seeing my friends.

Instead of being at Conduit, I am hosting Kiki’s birthday slumber party. Shrieks of laughter are floating up the stairs from where four teenage girls are playing Cannibal Pygmies in the Jungle of Doom. Kiki has managed to collect an amazing group of friends who are all just as geeky as she is. Instead of going gaga over some boy band star, these girls go gaga over characters from video games and manga. Only they don’t bother with the gaga very much, they’re too busy teasing each other and laughing a lot. I am so grateful for these friends. For the first time in her life Kiki has a group of peers in which she really belongs. So I’m happy to host the event that lets these girls all hang out together.

Tomorrow morning I’ll be cooking lots of breakfast. I’m being very startled at the amount of food these girls are putting away tonight. They’re all in the midst of growth spurts and are ravenous. I knew Kiki was eating more and growing fast, but multiplying that by 4 was a little startling. Dinner leftovers were not a problem. This is probably a good thing because Kiki deliberately made the food as creepy as possible. Sickly green mashed potatoes with red spots anyone? It is all part of Kiki’s “creepy house” birthday theme. She made a treasure hunt, created a creepy songs playlist, and selected games all on this theme. Later they’ll play ghost in the graveyard outside and watch Corpse Bride. Kiki has planned it all. All I’m having to do is provide the location and the food… and curb some of the enthusiastic ideas. I nixed the idea of having burning candles. I know how creative teen girls can get when they’re provided with open flame.

After the crowd goes home, I’ll have some more merchandise shipping to do. Sunday will be a recovery day. And then I’ll be on into the multitude of events planned for the last week of school.

I suppose I could have crammed some Conduit attendance into that schedule, but honestly Kiki’s birthday has been maneuvered around business concerns for at least the last three or four years. It is about time for her birthday celebration to bump a business event. Howard did go up to Conduit this evening. Mostly he went because he had a commitment to do a podcast. Escaping from the invasion of teenage girls was just a secondary benefit. Howard will be at home tomorrow though. He needs to focus on getting the next book done rather than on a convention appearance.

I did not get my outdoor hour today. This is the fault of the weather, which was chilly and rainy. However, I did spend two hours out of my house at a luncheon with other neighborhood moms. I’m going to count that since it was still out. It was really nice to get to sit and talk. After the luncheon, I spent the afternoon folding and packaging shirts. The helper I’d lined up decided that her life was too stressful for her to commit to helping me, so I was doing the shipping alone. It wasn’t bad since the size of the job is so much smaller. Also I only have about half of the merchandise due to production delays. The rest of the merch will be arriving on Saturday and early next week. So Instead of one largish shipping day, I’m having three medium ones. (Note: “medium” is about 50 packages.) I’ve currently done all of the packing that I have the merch for. The next two days will be back to normal and then Saturday there will be further packing.

We’re already in production on our next merchandise. Pre-orders for that will probably be the first or second week of June. Late June or early July is when we’ll have pre-orders for Hold Horses. July and August are the big conventions, so that is the last of the new merchandise until after Howard’s next book.

Due to a storm rolling in, the evening felt later than it actually was. Thus it came to be 7:30 pm with three quarters of my kids in bed. The peace and quiet is joyous. Link and Gleek are reading and Patch has already fallen asleep. I’m almost done mommying for the day.

I have not been outside much for the last 9 months. This made sense in the middle of Winter when the temperatures were below freezing. But it has been months since we’ve had a below freezing day, and I still haven’t been getting outside. I’m not sure why. I love being outside. I love wandering through my yard in the spring. I’ll meander slowly noting which plants are blooming, which plants are getting ready to bloom, and which plants are beginning to sprout after their winter sleep. I’ve lived in this house for a decade. Most of the trees which shade the yard I planted with my own hands. All of the flowers and shrubs are ones that I chose. This is very much my place and seeing it come to life in the Spring heals my spirit. I am calmer and happier when I’ve spent time with my plants and dirt. I shed tears when I realized that this year’s daffodils bloomed and faded before I ever took the time to go enjoy them.

I’ve decided to fix this problem. I am assigning myself a daily hour of therapy. I must spend that hour outside. I can play with kids, or take a walk, or just lay on the grass to stare at clouds, but I must be outside. I suspect that most of the time the hour will be spent on garden tending projects. Wandering and looking at my plants makes me remember all the hopes and dreams I had for the various garden beds. Then my hands itch to work. Today I got started by clearing out a couple of neglected beds. I never realized how much I missed weeding. I love giving plants the space to flourish. I love the sense of accomplishment I feel when I’ve made a garden bed beautiful.

The heat of summer is near and so most of my outside hours will have to be early morning or late evening. For this year my focus will be on getting weeds under control. All of my beds have run wild. It is amazing to me how many of my flowers continue to survive despite being overtaken by grass and bindweed. I will spend the summer clearing the beds out and preparing them, then in the Fall I can plant new things so that my garden can be even more beautiful next year. The peace that gardening brings to my heart is beauty enough to last me for this year.