I began working on the first pass of the lay out for The Teraport Wars today. It is tedious and time consuming, but it is not frustrating or confusing. This makes me very happy. Two chapters down, fourteen more to go. After this pass I’ll begin putting in all the bonus materials into the white spaces.
I am fond of the phrase “Getting your ducks in a row.” It is something of a violent metaphor, because the implication is that you want the ducks lined up so that you can pull out a gun and shoot them all at once. It must reference shooting galleries, because no one who has been around real ducks would even try to make them line up for anything. I had two pet ducks during childhood, so I know this from sad experience. They were far more interested in quacking and eating bugs, than in participating as performers in a back yard circus.
The metaphor extols the virtues of advance preparation. There are some things in life for which advance preparation works really well. Shipping out Schlock books is one. I spend hours preparing so that we can mail 1500 books in two days. There are other times where “lining up the ducks” doesn’t work because the “ducks” keep moving. Putting kids to bed is like that. I can prepare snack and lay out pajamas and turn down the covers, but when I call the kids to come they have other ideas. While I tuck in one, another has wandered (or sneaked) out of bed to go play with toys, or for a drink, or to get a bandaid for an invisible wound.
The whole month of October was like trying to herd a pack of hyperactive ducks, some of which had the ability to teleport. I ran myself ragged trying to get those ducks to all stand in a line. It was futile. What I did not realize is that I should have been dispatching ducks as I caught them. A task that is completely done will not come unraveled while my back is turned for a moment. And some tasks, once done, change the shape of everything that comes after them. Rather like shooting the first duck in line and realizing that all the rest of the ducks were the wrong ones, so you must start over with the herding.
I was trying to impose organization. I wanted to see what all the next steps would be. I was going crazy trying to picture all the millions of possibilities down all the branching lines of the possibility tree. I need to not do that. I need to take care of the “duck” that is in front of me now and worry about catching the others later. I need to trust that I will be given the resources I need to manage each task as it comes to me. A little planning is wise. Obsessive fretting accomplishes nothing.
Fortunately November is not plagued by a hundred little ducks. It has only two giant ducks. It is still going to take a concerted effort to take these ducks down, but at least I’m not going to lose them.
I have been like a wheel with an off-center axle. The ride has been very bumpy and it is hard to keep moving. The effort has exhausted me. This past week several things happened to lighten the load I have to haul. More important, I identified why my axle was off center.
I have accumulated many friends who are writers. I can not say what their internal goals are for the writing that they do, but the visible goals relate to working hard and getting published. I have been so swept up in the energy and enthusiasm, that I lost track of my core goals for the things that I write. I write to express the thoughts in my head. I write in the hope that my words will be of help to other people. Publishing my writing would assist my goal, but it is not the goal. Traditional publication is not the only path to my goal. Lately I have been pushing my writing, trying to publish it quickly. I was caught up in the idea of having a book to show others, to demonstrate that I really am the kind of writer who can get published. I was focused on the wrong goal.
Something Howard said to me months ago, came back to me this week. The writing will always be there for me. When my life is busy, the writing will lay idle, but it will be there when I have time again. For me and my life writing must take up the spaces around the edges of other things. Some people can give writing a central importance in their lives. I was jealous of that. I wanted to do that. I tried to do it, but it was throwing me out of balance with myself. Making writing central is not right for me at this point in my life. I am a writer, but I am not a writer first. I must be whole. I cannot be whole if writing crowds out the other things that I am.
This fact about me may mean that I never publish a novel. I may never make money from my writing. This is all right, because I believe that if I am inspired in pursuing my writing, then others will be led to the things I write which they need. It has already happened. Every time it does, I am awed to be the means by which some one else is helped. I hope that someday I’ll get to write a novel that someone else needs to read. But I need to be patient until I find the right novel and the right time in my life. When the time is right, then writing a novel will roll smoothly because my axle will be properly centered.
All of these thoughts cascaded into place over several days until Thursday when I could finally see them all. Since Thursday, I have had peace of spirit; the calmness of knowing that I have finally identified what is right for me. Along with peace there has been happiness. I can see the joy in my life rather than the endless row of tasks which I must get done.
My goal for today was to relax and enjoy my life. I put away my “To do” list and did whatever I felt like doing. I did do some of the things that were on the list, but only because I felt like it.
I raked leaves so the kids could jump in them. I went to a fabric store and looked at costume dress patterns. I took the kids to Walmart to buy new leaf rakes. (ours had attacked trees so often that they had no prongs left.) I watched a DVD. I answered some email. I shipped a couple of orders. I made pancakes for dinner. And now I am blogging. I am calmer, happier, and more relaxed today than I have been for a very long time.
Yesterday a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. A Fed Ex package arrived from China with the five advance copies of Schlock Mercenary: The Tub of Happiness. I held the book in my hand and for the first time I had tangible evidence that we were going to be able to meet our obligation to thousands of people who have given us money. The books are beautiful. I could finally see for sure that they layout help I provided did not manage to ruin the book. This increases my confidence that I’ll be able to correctly lay out the next book. The rest of the books are already on their way here. We’re supposed to have them in hand by the end of this month. I feel so much better.
There is a difference between failing at something and being a failure. Many times in my life I’ve set a goal and not quite achieved it or missed it completely. Those things don’t make me feel like a failure. It is the accumulation of little misses that make me feel like I am myself a failure. Individually each of these things are so small, but they combine to overwhelm my generally positive outlook on myself. No one else will deride me for not accomplishing these little things, but these things are so small, so easy, that I feel stupid for not getting them done. If I can’t do the simple things, I begin to question my ability to accomplish bigger things. It is a backward way of thinking. I know this. I also know that the reason the little things don’t get done is because I do the big things first. But still I am constantly running into little things that I haven’t gotten done. It is hard for me to fight against that barrage of small negative messages.
The stupid little things which combine to make me feel like a failure: (Note: I am fully aware that the logic in most of these things is faulty. I am hoping by listing them out I will be able to see the faulty logic and stop being tripped by it.)
Anytime a person in my family has to rummage in the laundry room for clean clothes, I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve either failed to put clothes away or I’ve failed to make the kids put their clothes away, or I’ve failed to properly teach the kids to put clothes away without me having to remind them to do it.
Any time I come upstairs in the afternoon and realize that breakfast dishes are still on the table, I feel like I’ve failed. I’ve either failed to clean up or failed to teach kids to clean up after themselves.
Any time there are dishes on the counters or in the sink, I’ve failed for the same reasons as breakfast still on the table.
Any time I notice the lawn unmowed. (four weeks and counting.)
Any time I notice the weeds in my yard, or the unraked leaves.
Any time I notice the dirt and grunge which accumulates on the walls and banisters.
Any time my kids rooms get messy, because I should have taught them to clean up after themselves.
Any time any room gets cluttered, ditto.
Any time I realize that I’ve had an email sitting in my inbox for more than 24 hours without answering it.
Any time I have to yell to get the kids to do stuff.
Any time I don’t require homework or reading time.
Any time the kids are late to school.
This is not the end of the list, but I think you get the idea. Some people are pre-disposed to deny their responsibility for things gone wrong. I’m pre-disposed to assume that it is all my fault. Fortunately I am (usually) able to set aside my feelings and behave rationally. Fortunately I’m (usually) able to look at all of these things as household problems which I can help correct, but am not solely responsible for. But on the days I am tired, or discouraged, all these things overwhelm me and I feel like I’m failing at everything.
That is when Howard comes and gives me a hug and reminds me that the truly important things are getting done. He makes me feel better and I just go on doing the best I can with the time and energy that I have available.
The following things have been preventing me from writing. I figure that identifying them is the first step to either removing them or finding a way around them.
The fact that my laptop has become nigh useless. It had a battery that would not hold a charge, so I bought a new battery three weeks ago. The new battery no longer holds a charge. Apparently this laptop eats batteries. Additionally, the power plug only provides power to the laptop if it is positioned exactly correctly. If I jiggle the power cord even slightly, the laptop dies instantly causing me to lose whatever I am working on. I really can’t complain about the laptop. It is an ancient Thinkpad which was given to me for free. It worked well for me for almost 6 months. It even had wireless internet access. Before the laptop, I often wrote stories longhand and transcribed them later. Having it was so wonderful that I’m loath to do without a laptop, but I may be back to longhand for awhile.
My remaining computer is the one in my windowless basement office. It is the one I use for all the accounting, shipping, layout, and other business tasks. That psychological space is filled with business. I have a hard time writing there. Also the space is not ergonomic. I’m likely to have to fix that for business reasons. My right hand has begun to ache from improper positioning while mousing for extended periods of time. I’m going to have to spend a lot of time working in that space for the next couple of months. I need to fix this problem.
There hasn’t been space in my head for stories to form.
There hasn’t been time in my schedule where I can sit down and create a good mindset for writing.
When things get too cluttered, I reorganize. My life has been very cluttered of late and so on Sunday I spent some thought on how to reorganize my time. I decided that Tuesdays in particular need to be rearranged. Tuesday has been my accounting and laundry day for the past year or more. But this year Tuesday is also the day of kids’ art lessons and my writer’s group. This means that I spend all day Tuesday focused on getting things done and when it comes time for me to leave for writer’s group, the kids don’t want me to go because they haven’t had my attention all day long. So I tossed accounting out of the Tuesday schedule. I also decided that Tuesday needs to be free of non-time-critical business tasks. Tuesday is now my day to focus on family needs, housekeeping needs, and a little bit of writing.
The accounting still has to get done and I like to do it early in the week so that it doesn’t loom over the rest of the week. So Monday is now my accounting day. In theory that will help me wrap my head around exactly what work needs to be done during the week. Wednesday through Saturday aren’t so neatly organized. Into them fall all the remaining tasks which have to get done during the week. Sunday is set aside for family and reverence. The other thing I need to remember is the lovely daily schedule I’ve got posted right here next to my computer. It blocks out times of the day that are for business and times which are not. I’ve been completely ignoring it lately. This means I’ve been checking email “just for a minute” during times when I really need to be focused on making dinner or getting the kids into bed. I need to remember that the internet is much more fun if I take solid breaks from it.
This week is my first week on the rearranged schedule. Monday went well. Tuesday did not go as I expected. I kept it clear of business tasks, but the piles of energy to scour the house clean did not materialize. Instead I did some internal cleaning. I slept for a solid two hour block. That is important because this year’s schedule has me consistently shorting myself on sleep. My body needs 8 hours in each 24 to be off. I’ve been giving it about six. My health has suffered as a result. The rest of the day vanished as I cleared up some misunderstandings with a friend, and spent a lot of time staring at the walls letting loose thoughts wander through my head so I could see what they were. All those things that I packed away to think about later, got unpacked and I was able to figure out how I think and feel about some of it. This kind of contemplative time has also been seriously lacking in my life of late. So, even though the house didn’t get clean, I’m calling the new Tuesday schedule a success. I’m going to do Tuesday the same way next week.
Then last night as I was beginning to make plans for kicking myself into gear today, I realized that today is Halloween. This means I have piles of kid-events on my schedule that I’d forgotten about. I can’t dive into overdue business tasks, they have to wait for tomorrow. This means they’ve begun to loom in my brain. And naturally I stayed up way too late last night, thus canceling out the benefit from the nap yesterday. Sometimes I am not so smart.
For right now I need to run buy a bag of Cheetos to deliver to Link’s classroom for his party. Then I need to go to Gleeks class to watch the pumpkin celebration filled with becostumed first graders lisping their way through halloween songs. Later there will be a Halloween parade, Kiki’s first school dance, and trick-or-treating followed by putting sugar-hyper children to bed.
I have been thinking the last couple of days about the concept of a public persona. For most people the phrase “public persona” has a negative connotation. The implication is that a person with a public persona is a hypocrite. They are trying to seem to be one thing when they are really something else. This does not have to be the case. In fact if a person is going to become any kind of a public figure, then a public persona is a survival tool. The public persona protects the private person.
Sometimes the public persona really is a cover-up. When a person is convinced that their “real self” is not fit to be public, then the persona becomes a mask. Some people go so far as to keep the mask persona up at all times. That way leads to loneliness and depression because then the person can never be truly understood or loved. A healthy persona is not a mask. It does not cover up anything. Instead a healthy persona is an aspect of the person. A healthy person knows when the persona is necessary and when to drop it.
Howard very definitely has a public persona. When he is doing an appearance as the creator of Schlock Mercenary, he is “on.” He makes sure to react positively to everyone around him. He maintains high energy. He cracks jokes. He does everything in his power to make sure that the event runs smoothly and that everyone enjoys it. That is his persona. In private he is still the same person. He still is high energy. He still cracks jokes. He still wants to make things run smoothly, but he is also allowed to be tired or grumpy. Outside his persona he relaxes and is able to enjoy himself without feeling responsible to make sure that piles of other people are also enjoying themselves.
And there is the core of why he must have the persona. At a public appearance, Howard will be approached by people all day long. Each of those people want something from him. Sometimes all they want is a signature and 30 seconds of attention. Other times they want to corner him for an hour while they tell him this great idea for a game that would make piles of money if only Howard would donate 100 drawings for it. The public persona evaluates all of these people and figures out how to please the signature person while politely rejecting the idea of the game person without offense. The public persona does this so that the inner Howard does not have to feel the heartache of refusing someone else’s dream. The public persona can keep going long after the inner Howard is ready to curl into a ball and hide.
This is one of the reasons that many conventions have a green room. It is a place where all the guests of honor can go to relax the public personas for a bit. Because of Howard, I’ve met some of those guests of honor when they weren’t wearing their personas. Without exception the ones I’ve met were marvelous people. But for all of them I could almost see the moment that the persona aspect was put away; the moment that they could be themselves without having to be quite so careful.
The public persona is the face you put toward the world. We all have them. The question is whether we are consciously shaping ours to be our best selves and turning the persona into a useful tool, or are we allowing the persona to trap and dominate us. Personally I try to make my persona and my inner self as congruent as possible. But I will not discard the persona entirely. I need it to shield me for those times when I need to look PTA people in the eyes and tell them that I can not give any more time than I already have given.
*Note* I am still forming my thoughts on personas and their value. All opinions expressed in this post are subject to change upon receipt of further information.