Uncategorized

Unpacking

By / January 6, 2006 / 10 Comments

I have a personal theory about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I believe the brain replays traumatic/adrenaline surged events in order to learn how not to do that again, whatever that may be. The fastest way for a person to end this kind of playback is to examine “that” and plan alternate courses of action to prevent it. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when a person feels powerless to affect the cause of the trauma. The playback is endless because no matter how many times the event is played back no pathway is found to prevent it from ever happening again. “Playback” may be as vivid as a full sensory flashback, or as mild as a feeling of fear or depression when similar circumstances are encountered. By this point in my post I’ve probably played merry hell with proper psychological terminology, I don’t much care. I’m trying to explain to myself what has been happening in my head for the past 7 years.

Seven years ago I underwent 7 weeks of radiation therapy to eradicate a tumor under my chin. It was a miserable experience. The tumor had been surgically removed, regrown, and removed again. It looked like the only way to prevent a cyclical repeat of regrowth and surgery was to radiate it until it was dead and I wasn’t. The therapy began at the end of January 1999 and ended in the middle of March. My mom had to come at stay with us for the last three weeks because I couldn’t keep things together. As soon as the therapy was over I shut the door on that part of my life. I was so desperate to be done with it and never go there again that I didn’t even want to think about it. I believe the proper psychological term for that is denial or maybe avoidance.

In the past 7 years I’ve always thought of radiation as something that was over. I’m done with that, so I don’t need to think about it. Only I’m not done with it. The experience was long enough and unpleasant enough that it set up a whole raft of associations in my brain that affect my moods and thinking. Howard tells me that every January/February he observes a noticable downtick in my moods. As soon as the holidays are over I start longing for spring because in 1999 spring coincided with the end of radiation therapy. I love crocus because they are a sign that the Bad Time is over. Last year I didn’t have a “downtick” during the winter. I remember thinking about it and feeling like I’d finally put behind me the last lingering emotional effects of the radiation therapy. I was wrong, this year all the associations are back with a vengence. Apparently I can’t just “put it behind me,” I need to face it and examine it. Not really something I want to do.

So I guess it is time for me to end the avoidance or denial or whatever you want to call it. I need to do some writing to take a clear look at what I went through and how I feel about it, because I packed the experience away so quickly I’m sure there are unresolved threads there. It’s been packed away for so many years that the memories are sure to be moth eaten and wrinkly, so anybody who was around me back then is welcome to add input or corrections as they see fit. This process will probably take several entries, I’ll try to put them behind cuts so that if anyone else wants to avoid this plunge into my worst winter, they can. To be honest I have very mixed feelings about putting this in livejournal at all. Part of me is afraid that it’ll look like I’m asking for pity or sympathy. This is the same part that is always reluctant to ask for help even when it is obviously needed. Also this is a very personal delving into my psyche and a life-altering experience, do I really want that hanging out in a public place? On the other hand I would love it if my experiences could be of some help to someone else. It would be nice to be able to feel like there was a point to this miserable experience. Also I’ll be able to sort my brain better if other people are around to comment and help me make connections that I’m missing. And there is also that whole avoidance thing. I’ve begun a couple of times to write about radiation, but without someone else involved I get about a half page done and quit. Livejournal is more like telling other people than like talking to myself.

So I’m going to take a middle approach. Everyone on my friend’s list will be able to read these entries because I already trust all of you to be kind and considerate. If any of you know someone who might be helped by anything I share, feel free to pass it on, or put them in touch with me, but do not post it in a public place. I may in the future decide to make all of this public information, but I’m not ready to do that yet. If you have thoughts for or against making this public, I’d be interested in hearing them, but I don’t promise to follow your advice. There will be more than one entry on this as I refine my thinking and sort my thoughts. I’m not sure how many entries this will come to, hopefully not too many. I don’t want anyone to get bored and I’d like to sort quickly. Of course that desire to “sort quickly” is a reflection of my desire to be done with it. Sigh. I definitely need to unpack this box.

January impending

By / January 4, 2006 / 3 Comments

Today was much better. I always forget that the first day of a new schedule is always exhausting and draining for me. I have to think and rethink every step of the day to make sure I get it right. By the second day I’ve internalized some of the steps and things are much smoother. I’m still tired, but this evening isn’t bleak the way that last night was.

January and February are the long dark teatime of the year. The space of time between Christmas and the first crocus blooming always seems to be a long slog. I don’t mind winter if it snows, but cold/gray/wet gets me down after awhile. Around here the first crocus blooms sometime in the second half of February. Having crocus bloom doesn’t make the weather any warmer, but it is a promise of good things to come. I love crocus. It is a sign of the end of dark times.

Of course right now it is the beginning of January and the long slog is still ahead of me. That is part of what had me stressed/depressed last night. It was bad enough managing conflict filled homework times in October/November/December, I couldn’t see how I’d manage it in January/February. The good news is that after the Christmas break kids seem to settle into their school routines. Everyone knows what to expect and they’re more content. I’m really really hoping for that. I saw a glimpse of it tonight.

This afternoon I caught myself looking out my back window and examining trees for signs of budding. More evidence that my longing for spring begins as soon as New Years is over. I never used to feel this way about winter until I had a very unpleasant one 7 years ago. Anniversaries matter even if we don’t consciously remember them. That one winter was sufficiently unpleasant that it has rippled negative associations through all the years that followed. Some winters are harder than others. I confess to anxiety about this one for the reasons I’ve already mentioned.

Foreshadowing is a fine literary technique. It doesn’t work as well in real life. Right now my brain is trying to foreshadow. It is throwing shadows foreward into the month ahead when perhaps no shadows need to be there at all. I can’t really hope for warm, so instead I’m going to hope for snow. Lots and lots of bright snow to enliven the winter days.

By / January 3, 2006 / 6 Comments

At 1 pm I was having a really good day. Not much since then is cause for joy. There was crankiness, overtiredness, tantrums, yelling, tears, and all that’s just from me. I am tired and burdened with vivid memories of how I failed my children today. They needed me to be more, better, different. I tried, I really did. I worked hard right up until I snapped, then I’d calm down and try again. Repeat cycle.

I need to find my happy thoughts. I’ve forgotten how to fly.

Perspectives

By / January 3, 2006

This morning I was so glad to send my kids back to school. After two weeks of vacation where we were all trapped indoors by rain, I was ready for them to go.

Now it is afternoon and they’re back home. Homework time is looming near and I’m suddenly remembering why only two weeks ago I was eagerly anticipating a break from school.

This has been a very rough school year so far. I’m hoping the second half gets easier than the first was.

Because you need to know.

By / January 2, 2006 / 1 Comment

Homemade yogurt is much yummier than store yogurt. (I googled for a recipe) As an added bonus, it is also cheaper. Blend up drained canned peaches and add them to the yogurt for creamy bliss.

New Year plans

By / January 2, 2006 / 2 Comments

It’s a new year and I’m newly inspired to do housekeeping and penny saving. Sometimes a small behavioral shift can save significant amounts of money over the course of a year. I just did my year end accounting and got to look at all the numbers for 2005. Some of them I’m proud of ($312 to clothe a family of six all year), some I’m not (did we really spend $11,000 on our vehicles?! Yipe!). I look at the numbers, take a big breath, and move on. At least now I know a little better where to focus my efforts to bring our expenses down. And they must come down if I want to make ends meet through the end of the year.

So, I’ve been cleaning house. How does cleaning save me money? If things are organized around here, then I know what my resources are and I can lay my hands on them quickly when I need them. I need to have working systems for laundry, food inventory, kitchen cleaning, and meal preparation. Fortunately I’ve already got each of these about half done, I just need to clean up the spaces and implement the other half. I’ve been practicing on it this weekend and feeling incredibly domestic. If I succeed in these goals I will have turned into a Domestic Goddess who cooks three healthy meals a day, keeps her kitchen spotless, always has her line-dried laundry done, and tracks her food storage religiously. “Domestic Goddess” is not something I ever really wanted to be. It has a negative connotation to it because it seems somehow “holier than thou.” On the other hand, being that person allows our family to run smoothly on a small income, so like it or not, Domestic Goddess here I come. I hope.

The Tightwad Gazette

By / December 30, 2005 / 10 Comments

I have a book recommendation for anyone who is unsatisfied with their financial situation. All too often people think that making more money is the solution to their financial problems, and sometimes it can be, but another solution is to spend less. Amy Dacyczyn’s The Complete Tightwad Gazette can help people accomplish the second. There are actually 3 Tightwad Gazette books, I mention the complete version because it contains all three books and because a very kind friend gave it to me for Christmas.

I first became aware of these books last year during the financial panic of Howard’s departure from Novell. (We knew it was the right decision, but from no angle did it look like a fiscally intelligent one.) A friend recommended I pick one up, and so I checked it out of the library. The book solidified for me many of the ways that I thought about money and spending. It also gave me many tips on specific things I could do to spend less. I would never have been able to pull off a $100 christmas if I hadn’t read Tightwad Gazette. I don’t follow all the tips that it espouses, and some of them seem a little bit extreme, but that’s alright because the attitude toward money and spending is far more important than any specific tip it gives. As Mrs. Dacyczyn says “The tightwad life is not only about spending less…it’s about spending in a way that reflects your values.” If you love dining out expensively, then this book can help you cut other corners to fund that love. If you crave video game consoles, then it can guide you into spending less on groceries. If you want to own a house, it can help you cut other corners to save for a downpayment. Howard and I are cutting corners and “making do” so that he can stay working at home for as long as possible, hopefully indefinitely.

These books are not just for the financially strapped. I wish I had read one 5 years ago. Had I done so, I would have squirreled money away even more diligently creating a larger nest egg and our current financial state would be much more comfortable. We spent money all the time for things that brought us little satisfaction. We had an income of $100,000 per year and spent most of it. Now we are discovering that we can live happily on $35,000 per year and I find myself wondering where the other $65,000 went. (Well a good chunk of it went into taxes, but you get the idea.)

At this point you’ve figured out that I’m a big fan of these books. You should check one out of your local library or use the amazon.com link on Howard’s site to buy one online. Some of the used copies at amazon are selling for only pennies because other people feel as strongly about these books as I do and they want to pass on the goodness to others who need it.

Howard the Hero

By / December 28, 2005 / 7 Comments

Yesterday afternoon, just after welcoming my neighbor’s toddler to be babysat for 2 hours, I had the alarming realization that what I thought was mild indigestion was actually something much worse. I was curl-up-on-the-couch sick. Howard had gone out to spend the afternoon at The Keep. I called him there. I wanted him to come home, but I also knew that he was getting work done and work being done is pretty important to our family. Howard’s husbandly senses were in good working order because he quickly determined that he was needed at home even though I tried not to outright say “Come home please.” I’m going to blame my illness for the unnecessary twistiness of that conversation.

Howard came home and sent me to bed. Usually I have a hard time turning off my Mommy Radar if I’m anywhere in the vicinity of my children. I was sick enough that it shut down of it’s own accord. In my lucid moments over the next few hours I listened to Howard manage upsets, fix dinner, hand the borrowed toddler back to his mom, and generally manage the children with no crises whatsoever. At bedtime he only needed minor instructions from me and handled all the rest of it himself. It all made me so happy that I wanted to cry. I was so happy because I was able to curl into a ball and ignore the world for 18 hours and know that my kids were still being well cared for. 14 months ago he could not have done it. Since he’s been working at home, Howard has learned the routines that I run and the kids have come to accept him as a caretaker. The fact that I could listen to minor conflicts without feeling like I needed to jump out of bed and mediate shows how I’ve come to trust him in that role.

But even more than that, what made me happy enough to cry was that the moment I really needed him Howard dropped everything and helped me. He’s done it before and I know he’ll do it again. I spend my days muddling along trying to keep everything running, but I know that when things fall apart Howard is there for me. It is a priceless gift that I can only repay by trying to be there for him in the same way.

Counting up

By / December 28, 2005 / 5 Comments

The dragons that I made for the kids have been getting lots of use. Link informed me that he has given his dragon his own middle name. Link further informed me that this meant we have 10 family members, 6 humans and 4 dragons. After a moment he adjusted this count up to 11, because he couldn’t leave out Kiki’s lone surviving science project mealworm. Kiki heard this count and declared we must also inculde the pet hamster who escaped about a month ago. Kiki is convinced that this hamster is happily living in our walls and is therefore still a member of our family. So I guess we’ve got 12 “people” living here. I’m just glad that half of them don’t require much in the way of food. My grocery budget would be shot.