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Something So Small Shouldn’t Require Courage

Strange that the simple click of a button takes fifteen minutes to accomplish. I’d already gone through all the steps to select a flight, debating about convenience and cost, arguing with myself about whether I should go at all. It is a luxury to be able to go. I know this. The writing retreat will be fine without me. I am not needed there. In contrast I will be missed every single day at home. Yet, the kids are anticipating what I’ve arranged for them while I am gone. They’ll miss me, but they won’t be uncomfortable, neglected, or bereft. All the pieces were in place. All the players had agreed that this was the right action. Except some deep part of me wanted to abort, call the whole thing off, stay safe at home. Ah. The pause before clicking is not about logic, it is fear. I am afraid because the last retreat was difficult, because this one has unknowns, because my brain can fabricate worlds of what-if flavored regrets. If I let fear determine my actions my life will grow ever smaller. I will become smaller. I clicked.

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4 comments to Something So Small Shouldn’t Require Courage

  • Ketira

    Sandra – you’ve taken the first step in conquering the fear (no matter what fear it is) –you’ve admitted that you are afraid.

    Congratulations; you now have a weapon to use against the Fear! Now that you’ve admitted you’re afraid, are you going to let it take over your Life, or wrestle It down where you can conquer it? That choice is up to you, but remember:

    Fear is like a tiger in your bed called “Life”. If you let It, It will either take over your bed, or you can chase It out of your bed!

    And where did I find this tidbit of Wisdom? In fiction: Spock’s World by Diane Duane. {It’s really two books in one: a Star Trek (original series) episode, and a history of Spock’s House on Vulcan.} It’s part of Surak’s writings…. ;)

  • L.T. Elliot

    Congratulations on the click! It truly takes courage to take deeper steps. :D

  • Sandra, that is awesome that you clicked. I look forward to seeing what you become as you grow. Have fun!

  • Hannah

    I feel that way about plane tickets too. Not sure why, as the dread is unnamed, just pervasive. or Actually? Maybe it’s for all large purchases in general, especially ones in a format that daily living has not yet worn down with repetition. Must be something hooked to spending in general then.