Scattered thoughts
I usually open this journal with a fairly clear idea of what I want to write and how I want to write it. But this past week my head has been so jumbled with thoughts and experiences that I don’t seem to be able to sort properly.
I loved having my parents here. I loved the chance to see my kids through their eyes. I loved watching the relationships continue to flourish. I loved having someone else to tell stories at bedtime. My parents are so kind and thoughtful. They are constantly doing nice things for me, for my kids, for their friends, for total strangers. I’m a little in awe of that and I need to emulate it more.
Now my parents have gone home, but things aren’t quite normal. My sister-in-law came through town and traded one of her boys for Kiki. Now Link has a cousin his own age to play with and Kiki is having an away-from-home adventure with her same-age cousin. I’ve been a little startled at how much I miss Kiki. I expected to miss her, but I’m almost constantly watching situations and thinking “if Kiki were here, then…” The dynamics of family life are quite a bit different this week.
One of the things my mom said while she was here was “It’s not everyone who could handle Gleek the way you do.” She said it to compliment my parenting and to give me a boost on a day that had been a little rough. But now I find myself watching Gleek and wondering Is she really that hard to handle? I don’t want to think of her or anyone else to think of her as a problem child. She is a delight. She is full of life and energy and mischeviousness. Sometimes that directly clashes with how I want things done and she doesn’t yet have the mental capacity to comprehend why it is so important to negotiate verbally. Just yesterday she and I had and Incident. I really had to get in her face and be mad in order to make her understand why it is important for her to come home from the neighbor’s house when I tell her to rather than running away down the street giggling. I hate having to sit on the floor with a small, sad child and be stern for long enough to be sure that the message has sunken in. Unfortunately Gleek’s native spriteliness often means that instructions or scoldings bounce right off unless I do exactly that.
I know that Gleek requires managing. But don’t all kids? Right now all of mine do. And unfortunately I’m not being able to manage them all well because I’m too exhausted. Kiki needs more snuggling and loving, but she’s the oldest and I get so tired of being climbed on by my littler ones that the last thing I really want is to snuggle a great big 10 year old. But I need to be snuggling her because I’ve only got a couple of years left before she’ll stop seeking connection and start seeking independence. Link doesn’t like transitions and needs me to pay attention enough to smooth them out. Instead of walking up and announcing bedtime, he needs me to walk up, sit, talk to him about his game, help him bring it to a close, read him stories and tuck him into bed. Unfortunately by the time I reach bedtime I’m just ready to shove all the kids in their beds so I can have time off. I’m so busy managing other kids that quiet/mellow Link gets ignored until I need him to do something, then I demand and he stubbornly shouts “No!” and I’m in the middle of a fight I didn’t want or have energy for. Gleek is 4 and I’ve already talked about her. Patches is adorable and amazing. Every day he is saying new things and thinking new thoughts. He’s also just entered the “Do it self!” phaze, which means I suddenly have to negotiate for co-operation rather than just picking him up and going. The time necessary to get him dressed, diapered, or into his carseat has doubled or quadrupled depending on the day. It is adorable when Patches imitates Link’s scowl and shouted “No!” but it is also frustrating.
Right now it is 8:30 am. I’ve already been up for and hour and a half. I’ve already put in a load of peed-on laundry. I haven’t yet had to break up a fight. I fed the kids cheerios for breakfast which means they’ll be hungry again in an hour. Oh wait, there’s the screaming. sigh. Got to go.