Disciplining a child when other adults are watching is harder than when the child and I are alone. With other adults around, part of my brain is worried what they think of my disciplinary tactics. This can be particularly true when the other adult is Howard. I worry what he thinks about my management of the little person who is also his child. Howard and I do a pretty good job of agreeing on acceptable disciplinary tactics, but those tactics have to shift and change at a moment’s notice in response to what the child does. We can not possibly discuss in advance all the possible disciplinary contingencies. Inevitably one of us uses a tactic that makes the other uncomfortable. One thing we have learned, is that interfering with the other parent mid-discipline makes a big mess. We only do that if we feel that the other is way out of line, and if at all possible we pull the other away from the kids to do so.
Yesterday Howard had to discipline Gleek. Part of that discipline was sending me away from the situation because I seem to serve as an emotional control security object for Gleek. She has been on the wild side this summer and we’re trying to help her learn how to bring herself back under control. When I’m near, she lets me do all the work of bringing her under control rather than doing it herself. Walking away was hard for me. I went outside so I couldn’t hear. It was hard for Howard to have to stay there with Gleek and require her to calm herself before I could come back. While I was outside I thought about the situation and realized how far Howard and I have come as parents. I trust Howard enough to walk away and let him deal with a screaming kicking girl. I trusted him to keep his cool. I trusted him to be as kind as he could be while still requiring better behavior. I did not always have such trust in Howard’s parenting skills. When Kiki was small, I hovered. This was unfortunate. It robbed both Howard and Kiki of the chance to do all the learning, and loving, and hurting, and forgiving that make relationships strong.
Howard and I are still learning how to be parents. Every time we think we’ve got it figured out, the kids change and we have to learn something new. We have many more conferences ahead that start with “was how I handled that okay with you?” I’m very glad we’ve come to a point where we trust each other enough to step back.
In my marriage we have step children and discipline issues. That can be a real struggle, but for the most part we agree on tactics so it works out. We talk out our disagreements where the children can’t hear.
Ona