Day: March 15, 2009

A few weeks ago, in preparation for an online interview, Howard invited his fans to ask him questions. One of the questions asked was more appropriate for me than for Howard. The question was “How does Sandra feel about all the attention you have been getting lately?” I presume the attention referred to was Howard’s front page appearance in our local paper and a couple of lecture invitations. The first thing I need to make clear is that Howard getting more public notice than me is not a new development in our marriage. He has always been more in the public eye. For most of our marriage I liked it that way. The real difference lately is not that Howard is getting more attention (although there is a bit more lately), but that I am somewhat visible instead of completely invisible. So how do I feel about being primarily noticeable as the support crew rather than on my own creative efforts? Am I ever jealous of Howard’s fame?

The short answer is that I am always happy for him. I love to see him succeed. I know how hard he works and I know that the attention he gets is not more than he deserves. When Howard is happy, I am happy. Additionally, I love Schlock Mercenary and anything that helps it grow makes me happy as well.

This answer is true, but it is not complete. It accounts for 95% of my reaction whenever Howard gets public acclaim. The remaining 5% is made up of much more selfish voices, whose responses are complex and layered. Yes this small percentage of me sometimes feels jealous. All human beings want to be recognized for their efforts. We all want praise and respect. It is very natural to want more for ourselves when we see an abundance being showered on someone else.

The occasional pang of jealousy is greatly reduced by the knowledge that without my help, Howard could not accomplish what he does. I am essential to his business, creative, and emotional processes. I know it. Howard knows it. And he expresses appreciation for it frequently. Therefore any success that Howard attains, is also my success. Howard is not shy about publicly giving me credit even if the public doesn’t pay much attention. I would probably feel much differently if Howard did not constantly praise and credit my efforts. He knows all that I do. I know all that I do. It is enough. This is the same emotional curve that many editors and creative support crew must ride. Private satisfaction rather than public acclaim carry the day.

Harder to manage emotionally is the comparison between my own creative efforts and Howard’s. I write stories, I write a blog, I’ve published a book, but none of these things have earned even a tiny fraction of the attention that Howard’s work earns on a daily basis. This is not for lack of trying on Howard’s part. He is very good about bringing my things to the attention of his fans, but he can not make them love what I do. I’ve had to accept that his audience is not my audience. My work does not get to piggyback on the swell of his success. Part of me grieves over this. It would be so much nicer if my efforts for Schlock Mercenary allowed me to skip some of the establishing steps for my own creative work. But careful reflection has made me glad that I can not piggyback. This way if my work ever does succeed I know it does so on its own merits rather than on Howard’s.

So then the question becomes am I ever jealous of the time I spend on Schlock Mercenary that I could be spending forwarding my own creative work? Of course I am. I’m also jealous of the time I have to spend doing dishes, playing with kids, eating, and sleeping. All of these things take their turn being what I desire most to do. They all are part of me and part of the things I love doing. If I could empty my life of these things, I could fill my days with writing. I could push forward a career as an author. Perhaps someday I will be able to push harder on the writing, but that is not what I need to focus on now. Emptying my life would probably empty my writing as well. Besides, I love the editorial work I do for the Schlock Mercenary books. It taps into and satisfies a piece of my creative psyche that is not touched by writing words alone. As we’re able to afford employees, I’ll probably hand off the shipping and office manager type work, but I suspect I’ll hold on to the editorial tasks.

One thing I do get jealous of is Howard’s convention attendance. Only “jealous” is not the right word. I don’t want to go instead of him. I want to go along with him. I want to meet the amazing people he gets to meet and share in the fun times. But this sadness does not drive a wedge between us because it is my choice. We could arrange for me to go much more often than I do, but I choose to stay home and provide stability for the kids. Knowing that it is my choice rather than some external denial makes staying home easier to bear. I also know that in the long term I will be able to go more often. Conventions will always be there, but the time for me to care for my young children is finite. I must care for them now, knowing that the future will have more public gatherings for me.

The most important thing to note is that the 5% of me that dissents about celebrating Howard’s success never sticks around for very long. I might feel it in passing for an hour or a day, but never longer than that. It comes in a flash and leaves just as quickly. On the few occasions it does not depart quickly, Howard and I have discussions where I air my feelings. Invariably Howard makes clear how important I am to him and how much he loves my creative work as well as me. And when I look into his eyes, I know he means what he says. Somehow compared with that, public acclaim seems a very unimportant thing indeed.