I used to be the person who had her Halloween costume planned months in advance. This was true even after I was an adult and even after I became a parent. We have portraits hanging on our wall of the year our family went medieval. Howard and I smile in our garb while holding an adorable pair of dragons. There were cyberpunk years and more eclectic years as well. It was a tradition, part of who we were.
I look at the pictures and I am not that person anymore. I do not have the time and creative energy to spare for elaborate costuming. I sometimes miss being that person. I particularly miss it today when I sit to watch the school Halloween parade wearing my mundane clothes. I feel boring, uncreative. I miss it when Patch turns to me with his wide eyes and asks “Mom? What are you going to be for Halloween?” and I realize that he can’t imagine why anyone would choose not to dress up. It is hard to explain to a six year old that I barely found enough energy to help four kids scrape together costumes, finding further effort to create a costume for myself does not feel worth it.
I don’t regret the person that I am. I don’t hit October with ideas burning to be created because I’ve been using my creativity all year long. The enthusiasm that used to be spent on costume creation is instead spent on writing; and on book layout; and on figuring out where my kids needs and wants diverge; and on meeting all the needs and some of the wants. My creativity has been particularly tapped out this Fall. I feel like I spend all week flailing around trying to keep everything afloat. I look ahead to the weekend like a swimmer striving to reach a log where she can rest. Only when I grasp the log, it often twists in my grip and I am as likely to end up underneath it as on top of it.
So I will participate in Halloween to the extent necessary to make sure that I don’t spoil the enjoyment of my children. They need to have the fun holiday to which they have been looking forward. Some other year I will fully embrace the joy of Halloween again. I will make a glorious costume. I will have someplace exciting to wear it. I will find happiness in having energy to spare on the creation of a holiday that is all about imagination and possibilities. This year, I will wave at the parade and hand out candy.