Month: September 2009

From the moment I send friends away so we could have dinner and homework, Link transformed into the walking manifestation of contrary.  From refusing to come for dinner until I scolded him at high volume, to making a whining screech when anyone dared speak to him, to shooting dirty looks at everyone, Link made Oscar the Grouch look like Mr. Rogers.  I got frustrated quickly, but I noticed that any angry response to his behavior only made things worse.  Link was looking for a fight.  I knew why.  He had a writing assignment and he was mad at the world about it.  He hates writing.  Unfortunately for him, this is the year that I have decided that he must practice writing.  He’s significantly below grade level and I’m convinced that this can be remedied if only we can force him to actually practice instead of avoid.  He was attempting to continue to avoid writing by making the experience so unpleasant that I would give up.  This was not a conscious effort on his part.  He was not aware that this was why he was being so awful.

The solution was for me to clear the room of all other people except me and Link.  He was trying to provoke reactions which would distract us all from the assignment.  I denied him those reactions.  I even told the other kids that this was what I was doing while Link was listening.  Then I remained calm and insistent while bringing him back on task.  I rewarded effort by providing drinks of milk or snacks.  I praised where I could and did not react to bad behaviors.  It took an exhausting 90 minutes, but the assignment got done.  (Amusingly the assignment was to write about school subjects he hated.)  Then Link stomped off to his room.

I turned my attentions to the other kids.  It was not long before Link was back.  He had calmed down and was very apologetic for all the trouble he had caused.  He felt really bad about it.  He even made a plan to make things up to everyone.  I think the right lessons were learned.  I just hope that the penitence can last long enough to get him established in the habit of writing without being completely upset about it.  But even if the penitence doesn’t last, my determination needs to.  This is what my son needs from me right now.  He needs me to make him do this thing he hates enough so that it gets easier for him.  Once it is easier, I think he will stop hating it so much.

I predict a string of exhausting homework times ahead.

An excerpt from an email I wrote this morning:
Most of what I write these days is blog entries about small stuff.  It took me a long while to really get the fact that life is mostly constructed of small stuff, that small stuff matters. Little happinesses can make all the difference in the world.  Little dreams are wonderful because they are attainable.  I can go a very long way merely by chasing little dream after little dream.  I don’t need to change the world.  I can just change me.  Me being different may have an effect on the world, or it may not, but it definitely gives me peace and happiness.

Last year I was lousy at making kids get their homework done because I was too insanely busy to do more than a token effort.  This year is offering me the opportunity to atone for that neglect.  The good news is that the heavier load is an indicator that my kids are being challenged academically this year.  Kiki is learning how to tone down her perfectionism and how to time manage for an array of assignments both small and large.  Link is going to be miserable while he is forced to practice both spelling and writing regularly.  Gleek is having her first experience with reports and regular homework.  Patch is thrilled to have homework at all, and wishes he had more of it, except on the days when he does not want to do any.  All of the above requires my active participation, sometimes simultaneously.

Mondays are going to continue to be hard because of the marathon organizational run from beginning dinner all the way until bedtime.  Most evenings will have something of a break between homework and bed.   I hope.  Or I shall be cranky.

I’m sure there are important insights to be made from all of this, but I’m too tired to give them coherence.  Three spelling lists, two spelling assignments, one reading book, one book report, one grammar paper, two maps, two math sheets, and one writing assignment are enough to fry my brain.

This has not been a weekend for thinking.  It has been a weekend full of reality-avoidance in the form of television on DVD.  But I’ve put all of the boxed sets away now and I think I’m ready to pick up all my things so I can work effectively during the next week.  It is interesting to note that in three separate church related meetings, four separate speakers spoke about the value of our time and the importance of using it wisely.  Only once was this theme the focus of the lesson, the rest of the time it was just mentioned in passing.  While the mentions passed, they jumped out at me and something in my brain said “this is for you.”  Obviously this weekend is not a good example of me listening and learning, but I intend to do better next week.

I think the avoidance was in part fueled by a conversation I had with a good friend on Friday.  It was one of those fascinating conversations where I dig around in my brain and discover that I’ve got stuff that needs sorted through and assimilated.  None of it is earth shattering or likely to cause epiphany.  Most of it was discovering small things that which send out ripples of stress into other things.  Finding the source of the ripples gives me some power over them which is good.  Or, it will be good once I start taking care of it all instead of watching fictional people make emotional messes. It is kind of like watching a train wreck so that I can figure out how to never ride that particular train.  (Side note:  Lessons learned from television this weekend:  Keeping secrets from friends and family is asking for pain.  Thinking about someone besides oneself is a really good idea when making decisions.  The phrase “I had no choice” is almost always a lie, usually a rationalization lie.  The sentence “You wouldn’t understand” is like a shield to prevent others from understanding because if they do understand you, that would make you vulnerable.  Vulnerability is scary, but ultimately the only way to develop closeness to another person.  End side note.)

This next week has no major scheduled events.  A routine week would be a good thing.  We need lots of those in the next two months so we can turn <i>Resident Mad Scientist</i> into a real book.  Also it would be nice to finish cleaning and organizing the house, which is much more likely to happen when life is routine.

Howard was gone this weekend.  Before I took him to the airport, he pointed to his ipod which he left in the docking station.   He explained that he’d set it to play his bedtime playlist and his morning playlist automatically.  That way I’d hear the music, be reminded to stay in something resembling a sane schedule, and remember that he loves me.  My sleeping schedule is always thrown off when Howard is gone.  I smiled and nodded at his explanation.  Then I didn’t think any more of it.  Until 11 pm when the music started playing, and I remembered I should head to bed and that Howard loves me.  It made me happy.

Some days are a wreck waiting to happen.

Link is having his first experience with real homework. He has a 20 picture autobiography and a country report both due tomorrow. He has two regular homework assignments as well. He is feeling a bit buried and overwhelmed. It isn’t too much work, we just didn’t get enough of the big projects done earlier. An hour or two of solid work will get the assignments done. The tricky part is cajoling Link into putting in the work instead of staring at the pile in despair.

Kiki is struggling this year. She has a moderate to heavy homework load. She’s getting up earlier than she has been accustomed to doing. She continues to struggle with insomnia. She too has some large assignments looming over her. She is at the beginning end of the assignments, but she really needs to not procrastinate. So today needs to be a heavy homework day for her. Only she’s of an age where she pushes back when I lean on her to get her work done, or when I suggest that she needs to apply some time management techniques.

Gleek and Patch are having a normal day, but normal includes frequent requests that I need to respond to or help with.

Howard is tired because his sleep rhythms have been all over the map lately. He also needs help packing for a seminar and is stressed about getting the presentations right.

I spent all day assembling two pallets of books. This involved much heavy lifting and two trips to the storage unit. I also had to put together some box sets to fill out the order to the distributor. I am physically exhausted, in need of a shower, and longing to lock myself someplace quiet and just zone out. Instead I have to help with all of the above. I still need to wrap and strap the two pallets of books. Also there are dishes to hand wash before bed.

We have not yet had a major argument, but it is probably a matter of time.

I guess I must have needed the extra sleep, but having two and a half hours vanish into a nap made the day feel really short.  This is particularly true because I did not emerge feeling rested.  Instead I felt fatigued because I’d had to fight my way free of the clinging tentacles of anxious dreams.  I think those dreams cameoed just about every worrisome thought that has floated through my brain in the last week.  In technicolor and full-sensory surround.  But they weren’t true nightmares, just tangles.

Tomorrow I get to haul books from our storage unit and assemble them into a pallet.  On Friday this pallet will get hauled away by a freight shipper and delivered to our distributor.  XDM books and The Tub of Happiness will be hitting game stores in mid-October.

Beyond this entry, none of the posts have comments because I did not import the comments from the original Livejournal posts.  All of the posts here are mirrored on sandratayler.livejournal.com.

I began revising an essay about how our perspective on the things we must do is the difference between a happy life and a miserable one. Instead I found myself writing four pages about my experiences with anxiety disorder during the Fall of 2007. I’m usually much better about staying on topic. Then I started to think about it. Those anxiety experiences began two years ago this month. The intervening years have been extremely busy. Now I have arrived in September, where the weather is similar to the anxious time, and I have time to contemplateand write. Not only that, but I am writing in similar ways to 2007. Last year I’d put writing down. Adding to the parallel, we are currently in a financially narrow spot, tight finances were a major component of the anxiety stress. Anniversaries and parallels are psychologically important even if we don’t recognize them consciously.

No wonder my brain burst and over flowed to spill my experiences on the page. I’m finally in an emotional and physical space where I am ready to process and accept what I went through. At the time it was all muddling-about with very little clarity about the experience. Writing about it is still not easy. I keep finding unexpected emotional triggers. I guess this mental clean up fits right in with all the household organization and clean up I’ve been doing. It is time to clear out the corners and get rid of old baggage.

There is no more certain way for me to acquire a quiet afternoon than for me to stick a sign on the TV saying “Chores First.” Like magic, the kids will scatter to go play at their friends’ houses rather than be stuck here where Mom might enforce that sign. So I had a quiet afternoon today. Unfortunately it was not a relaxing one. Every minute of the day was scheduled and most of it was focused on clearing the way for an early bedtime. This morning was incredibly cranky because all the kids were short on sleep. I don’t want to do that again. But moving bedtime earlier means snack has to move earlier and so do Family Home Evening, homework, dinner, fixing dinner, washing dishes so I can fix dinner, etc. It feels like I started preparing for bedtime at around 3 pm. Add into the mix the fact that all the kids had heavier than usual homework loads, and I am now very tired. This year is going to be homework heavy. Fortunately all of my kids are currently focused on being responsible about homework, so it is not an uphill battle. The nice thing about early bedtime is that it is now 9 pm. All the kids are abed and my bedtime is an hour from now. Tomorrow will be better, because the second day of a new schedule always is. Also, the kids will be less cranky because they will have gotten enough sleep.