Struggling
Struggle makes us stronger, but no one likes to struggle. We also do not like to see those we love struggle. This is true whether the struggle is physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. One of my hardest tasks as a parent is to stand aside while a child struggles with a problem that I could solve easily. But if I do the math assignment, the child will not learn Geometry. If I tie the shoes, then the child will not acquire necessary deftness in his fingers. If I buy the toy, the child will never have the chance to work hard and earn it. It is so hard, particularly when the child is in tears and truly miserable. The thing I have to remind myself is that if I remove the struggles, I also deprive my children of the opportunity for triumph. No prize is greater than the one you worked really hard to earn.
This same principle applies to conflict. To live is to have disagreements with other people. I don’t like that. I don’t much like conflict. Slowly though, I have learned that some conflicts are necessary. Shying away from the conflict does not create true peace. It just sends both participants around in circles until they come back to the same place. Sometimes the only way out is through. Often I discover that the passage through is far shorter and less miserable than I expected it to be. Of course the way you choose to navigate that passage through conflict can be the difference between a polite negotiation and all out warfare.
To put the two thoughts together: I spend a significant portion of time refereeing conflicts between my kids. The conflicts rarely come at convenient times and so I am greatly tempted to just end the conflict by decree. Often this is necessary because I have to end the conflict quickly to attend to other things. But sometimes I need to take time to guide my kids through a conflict resolution process. They don’t like it when I force them to explain themselves to each other, but they come away with a better understanding of conflict resolution. Hardest of all for me are the times when I need to step out completely and let the kids resolve conflict without interference. If I am present, I intervene. But there have been times when the older kids were babysitting the younger ones and conflict erupted. I come home to discover that the storm is over and that in the process of resolving the conflict without my help, the kids are closer than they were before.
Too much struggle can be destructive, but too little can stunt growth.