Uncategorized

I feel like I’ve been too busy to think for three days. We’ve started to pick up the pace heading into Comic con. Howard leaves in less than a week.

This week July 14-20:
Prep for comic con. (This is a huge comprised of a thousand small tasks)
Ship magnets (hopefully we’ll get the full order this week.)

Next week July 21-27:
Howard at Comic con
School shopping (won’t have time later)
Prep kids and house for absence
Prep Kiki for girl’s camp

July 28 – Aug 3
Post Comic Con accounting and unpacking
Pre World Con preparation and packing
Help kids pack
Hug kids lots because I’m going to miss them

Aug 4-11
Howard and I at Worldcon
Kids at grandma’s

Aug 12-17
Post Worldcon accounting
Unpacking
retrieving children

Aug 18
School starts

This weekend offered one of those moments where I realize exactly how much I’ve changed in the last decade. Howard’s brother and family made arrangements to come to my house for Saturday afternoon. This is happy since they’re visiting from Georgia and we don’t see them often. This represented an influx of two adults and five girls 8 and under. Add that to our household count and we were planning on 4 adults and 9 children. Howard’s other brother also wanted to come visit since brotherly togetherness is a good thing. He brought his two girls ages 5 and 2. (5 adults, 11 kids) Then on Friday night my brother called. He and his family were driving through on their way home. They wanted to stop by and spend the night. Without batting an eye, I told them it was fine. (Total people: 7 adults, 16 kids) I was fully prepared to feed and entertain everyone and wasn’t the least bit stressed over the influx. When did I become comfortable feeding and housing big crowds on short notice? I remember that kind of thing used to be stressful.

Perhaps the lack of stress is in part because I’m so glad to see everyone. My kids had a great time. The adults got to do some talking, but not as much as we would have liked. Cranky little girls pulled Howard’s brothers away to where they could put kids to bed. They left before dinner, so I didn’t have to feed everyone after all. (Only 4 adults, 9 kids fed) My brother’s family is extending their stay due to a vehicular breakdown, so I get to have company through Monday. I’m glad. I love talking with my sister-in-law and my kids love playing with their cousins. Even better, we may have hatched a plan that will provide child care for the kids while I’m at Worldcon. There are a few more consultations to make before everything is set, but it looks really good right now.

I got out of my shower this morning to see that the steam from the shower had made an unusual pattern on the mirror. It was two stick figures facing off in battle. Apparently Link has been doing some creative artwork on the mirror after his showers. It made me smile. The figures have faded now, but I know they’ll be back again and again until I get around to cleaning the mirror. Invisible testament to my son’s boundless imagination.

Today I got two emails from people who ordered Hold on to Your Horses. They were both delighted with the book and wrote to tell me about it. This makes me very happy. Also in the “happy things” column is sending off my two girls for a camping trip with their Dad. I’m so glad they get to go.

Howard has been incredibly stressed this week. Last night he was stressed to near incapacity. So many things were pressing on his mind that he couldn’t see how to get any of them done. He took a few minutes to write them all on a list. I’d been hovering nearby, hoping to be able to help. I peeked at the list. He’d written it in four columns. One column was the list of tasks. The other three were labeled “big,” “important,” and “now.” Each listed task got check marks in the other columns. It warmed my heart to see that the only task that was checked as big, important, to be done now, was “Daddy Daughter campout.”

Howard was still stressed this morning. When Howard is stressed, I am compelled to do something to make life easier for him. It is my nature to do things for people I love. I was prepared to take his list and arbitrarily knock items off of it so that he did not have to worry about them anymore. Part of me wanted to knock the Daddy Daughter campout off the list. It is a church arranged night at a campground. There are activities for kids, and breakfast is provided. It is a happy thing to do, Gleek is really looking forward to it. Kiki is less enthusiastic. I was less enthusiastic. There is so much work involved in prepping for a camping trip. Surely Howard and the girls could do some other activity instead and have it be just as good? Then I remembered Howard’s list. There is something about camping that is different than other bonding activities. It forces everyone to really unplug from regular life and pay attention to different things.

I realized that I could push for a cancellation of the campout, but Howard would feel guilty, I would feel guilty, and Gleek would feel sad. Not a good choice. Instead I turned around the other way and turned into campout facilitator. I made the girls help me get out the tent and taught them how to set it up. I inflated our air mattresses inside the tent to make sure they would both fit. I went and bought an adapter so that Howard can use electricity from the car to run the pump that inflates the mattresses. I bought all the food necessary to cook dinner at the campout. I bought batteries and checked flashlights. Tomorrow I’ll throw myself into food preparation and packing up the van so that they can go. I’m taking all the workish bits so that Howard and the girls can just jump in the car to leave and have fun. It will be good for them all and I think they will be glad they went.

I sat snuggled on the couch with Gleek and Patch on either side while Maria twirled on the screen singing about the hills. My eyes filled with tears as my ears filled with the familiar tunes. Some movies only get better with age. We watched the whole film together. Kiki and Link watched too. I saw the film anew through the eyes of my children. I watched Maria dance and play on the screen and realized that I’ve done far too little playing lately. I heard the nuns singing about the problems with Maria and I glanced over at Gleek, who is perfectly described by the song as well. I leaned over and whispered to the kids about Germany and Austria and what “Anschluss” meant. After the movie was over we all sat around and discussed what parts of the movie were true and which were made up. We talked about Hitler, and Nazis, and why they were bad. The next day Kiki watched the movie again on my mini player. She was drawn to the songs, wanting to learn them so that she could sing them. For me the songs tapped into a well of memory. I sang them over and over again during my childhood years. I sang them with my sisters in harmony. I sang them to our pet duck, who was a surprisingly attentive music audience. I sang them on swings and in parks. Now I want to sing them all again. I want to take all the kids on a picnic and run around laughing and singing. After some thought I realized it is not merely the music that draws me, it is the joy. Despite taking place in dark times, The Sound of Music is a joyful film. The joy is what I long to have, whether or not it is accompanied by singing. I can consciously create that joy by loving my life for the good in it no matter what other circumstances there may be.

The movie had to go back to Netflix. This is all right. I can rent it again sometime. The memories it brought back and the new memories made, I get to keep forever.

This Summer has been an odd mix of wonderful relaxation and too much to do. It is rather like swimming in a reservoir where there are pockets of hot and cold water. Today things are running hot. My head is full of a hundred things. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like a tiny fish in a publishing world that is populated by whales. Only this little fish has 1889 books stashed in her garage that she needs to sell. There are many possible pathways to take, but they all involve me getting out there in the deep water with those big fishes. It is scary.

More worrisome, is how much of my brain space is being taken up by book promotion. This is Summer. The kids are home. I should be planning outings with them, helping them keep reading, taking them to the library. Instead I have been throwing food in front of them and then dashing back to my office to get work done. I need to slow it down. I need to take more time for family things, but I am afraid to. I am afraid that if I don’t keep scrambling, the publishing will fail.

Ah. There is the problem. I am being driven by fear. It is not that I lack for time, it is that fear pushes business to invade the spaces that are for family. So what am I afraid of? Failure. I am afraid that I won’t be able to fulfill the commitments I made to Angela. I’m afraid that she will be disappointed about the performance of the project. I’m afraid that my project will languish and I will have to face the fact that it was a vanity project rather than something saleable. Are these fears realistic? Somewhat, but running is circles today is not going to prevent any of the fears from being realized. What will keep the fears from being true is if I put forth a steady consistent effort. If I can just keep going, keep blogging, keep promoting, then it will all work.

If I can banish the fear, have a little faith in myself and in the quality of the project, then I can stretch out and enjoy this summer while it is here. It will be gone all too soon. Then there will be Fall with its imposed schedules and demands. To paraphrase Ferris Bueller: My life seems to rush by me lately. I need to stop and look around more often. I don’t want to miss it.

My books arrived this morning. 40 boxes of books containing 50 books each. They arrived on two pallets. My first thought was how small the shipment looked compared to the 5 pallet, 5000 book shipments we get for Schlock books. I spent the rest of the afternoon packing orders. They’re all done and will go out in tomorrow’s mail. The task for tomorrow is for me to relocate the rest of the books so that Howard can park in the garage again. I also need to put in motion the marketing ideas which were waiting on me having books in hand.

For now I am tired.

Last Thursday morning Howard left for Inconjunction. Later that morning I got an email from our printer. The interior file for Teraport Wars was somehow corrupt and they were unable to open it. File management is Howard’s job. He is the one who does all the uploading and compressing. Howard was away at a convention with no access to the files. He could not help me. Moreover, Howard was being relaxed and happy after the completion of the book. I saw no reason to hand him stress that he had no way of resolving. I firmly suppressed the voices of panic in my head and set about learning how to compress and re-upload the necessary file. It took me two hours to figure out how to do it. Then the upload took 5 hours. It was all done just before quitting time on Thursday. My contact at the printer sent me a note thanking me for the upload, assuring me that she would check it Monday morning, and wishing me a great holiday weekend. This was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that the file had arrived and everything was fine now. I had done everything I could do, I just had to wait until Monday to see if I’d done it all correctly. I decided not to tell Howard about the file problem until I heard from my contact at the printer. Once I heard from her, I could tell him with relief that the problem was solved, or I could share the stress and we would tackle the problem together. Decision made, I put it all out of my mind and focused on enjoying the holiday.

That phrase “put it all out of my mind” is not quite accurate though. The fear and worry did not really leave. Instead it leaked. Sunday, I found myself on the phone with Howard fretting over finding someone to take care of our kids while we’re at Worldcon. Even while I was worrying over the phone, part of me wondered why this felt like a dire emergency when the convention is a month away. I also wondered why I was bothering Howard about it when he would be home soon and we could talk in person.

Then Howard was home. He was in serious decompress mode. I hang around and listen when Howard is in decompression. It is my best chance to hear stories about the convention and to take notes about business actions on which I’ll need to follow through. I’d found a semi-solution to the childcare issue, but Howard was too tired to really address it and so I put it aside.

This morning I finally made the connection and realized that I’d been so worried about childcare because of suppressed fear about the book. I really wanted to tell Howard about it all, but I still had not heard from my print contact. Around 10 am I emailed her a short query. 20 minutes later she responded. All was well. The file worked and the project was moving forward as expected. I immediately went to Howard and gushed relief at him. It was like a geyser of fear and worry spouted into the air and blew away on the breeze. It was only after the fear was gone that I could really see how huge it had been and how much it affected everything else. I was left feeling post-adrenaline shaky. Next I need to reassess all the thoughts and feelings I had about childcare over the weekend. All of my reasoning skills were skewed from the suppressed fear. I should be able to take a clearer look at things now.