Hugo Award photos

/ / 3 Comments

Richard Man was the photographer at the Hugo award ceremony. He has posted all of his photos online where you can see them. I highly recommend wandering through. I believe most of these photos were taken prior to the ceremony, but he also has a page full of ceremony photos. Finally I am able to post a picture of Howard and I dressed up for the Hugo awards.

Mr. Mann has placed a statement on his page regarding acceptable uses of his photos. You really should go take a look at his site. He has photos of the masquerade costumes as well.

Yes, Howard and I look exceedingly serious in all of the photos. We didn’t do that intentionally, nor did the photographer. We hustled into the party late, were told to get photos taken, but they were preparing to begin photographing nominees by category. We had less than a minute in front of the photographers camera, and only a glance at the digital images before we had to dash off to listen to announcements. It is also possible that we were a little stressed about the award ceremony to come. Next time we’ll remember to smile.

Hugo Award photos Read More »

Inspiration, radio signal, shadow, and Worldcon

/ / 3 Comments

Inspiration and spiritual guidance are like a radio signal. I can fine-tune myself so that I can hear them more clearly. I can adjust my location to get a louder signal. Many of the lessons at church are instructions on how to tune in to those signals and interpret them. I’ve grown to rely on spiritual guidance and connection. It is like a soft radio playing in the background of my day. Then when I experience moments of doubt, I can send a query “Am I on course?” and get a quick response “Yes. Keep going.” Some days I am making hourly or minutely queries. The communication keeps me grounded and I can find peace despite the chaos. I’ve had people express amazement at the quantity of stuff I manage on a daily basis. This is the reason I can. I am never alone and I regularly tap into resources of strength outside myself.

The casinos at Reno are in a spiritual radio shadow. I did not realize it when I first arrived. I only knew that I did not like them. I thought it was the noise, the lights, or the air of quiet desperation which rolled off of some of the gamblers. The absence of a noise is hard to notice, particularly if it is a quiet noise, even more particularly if I am distracted by dozens of new noises. So I did not notice at first. The convention was full of bright, wonderful, good things. Unfortunately I failed to give myself adequate breaks from these wonderful new things. I took care to make sure all of my people took breaks, but I neglected to take any myself. Usually when I do that, I get a message on the guidance circuit. “Slow down Sandra. Take a break.” But I was in radio shadow, a barrier between me and the signal. So I ran myself past my strength, then when I was beyond my capabilities I tried to tap into my spiritual resources. They were not there. I was left to my own strength and I was not strong enough. Fortunately I had surrounded myself with good people and they took care of me. Mostly what they did was make me go to bed. Sleep is restorative of many things.

Upon opening my email box the next morning, I found an email from a friend who does not usually email me. It said all the comforting responses that I’d been reaching for the night before. Signal was bounced off of my friend so that I could receive it while still in shadow. It helped me get through the last day of convention until I could get into my car and drive to a place where I had signal again. The experience was unpleasant in the middle, but is enlightening in retrospect. If I had been aware of the radio shadow, I could have taken steps to boost my reception. Most of those steps would also have provided me with the rest breaks in my days which would have helped prevent me from getting over-stressed in the first place. These are important things for me to know as I attend conventions in the future. Also, I’ll think twice before attending a five day event in a casino hotel again.

Today I went back to church for the first time since coming home from the convention. If a casino is in shadow, then church is like standing on a hill top in clear view of the transmitter. Light and strength poured into me. It washed over my memories of the convention, clearing away the remaining fatigue and worry so that the treasures from the event shine clear and clean. Going to WorldCon was the right thing for us to do, even though it put us in radio shadow for a time, even though it stressed us all, even though we had to drive all night to get the kids back home in time for school. I have a wealth of treasures from the convention which I could not otherwise have gained. The prize is worth the price, but this does not prevent me from planning ahead so that perhaps next time I can arrange to pay less.

Inspiration, radio signal, shadow, and Worldcon Read More »

Flying free

/

I pulled the van into the driveway and the children gathered their backpacks to climb out. It was Friday afternoon of the first week of the new school year.
“No homework. Go play.” I said. With those words I set them free and they flew. There are so few long evenings left for them to roam the lawns on adventures. I let them continue to play until full dark had fallen. The following morning we all slept late. It was a good reminder that the new schedule still allows for us to have unfocused time.

Flying free Read More »

Fun Friday

/ / 4 Comments

The school week began on Tuesday. Homework began on Tuesday afternoon. Gleek and Patch are in an accelerated learning program. It picks up immediately and moves at a brisk pace, expecting the kids to keep up. This, combined with the new school starting a full hour later than the schools of my older two kids, has dictated some adjustments to our family schedule. Gleek and Patch have two homework times each day. The first arrives just after breakfast when they are expected to study spelling/math facts/recitations. The second arrives after dinner when they have to complete daily assignments. If they don’t study in the morning, then they have to do it right after school instead of getting to run off and play. This is a far-cry different from the relaxed schedule I ran for them last year. Then my focus was on helping Kiki weather the emotional storm which was entering high school and surviving Algebra 2. This year Kiki’s academic schedule is very relaxed and it is time for the younger ones to stretch a bit.

So far the kids seem to be taking the shift in stride. Patch and Gleek have had complaints, but I don’t sense any true tension in them. They are engaged and happy in a way that they weren’t at their old school. I, on the other hand, am slogging through. I am the builder of the routine and holding life in this unfamiliar shape makes me tired. The endless small confrontations necessary to require homework and chores, exhaust me. It will get better. I know that it will. The things which are difficult now will become habit. I can already see how good the new structure is going to be for everyone in the family. It is just hard this week.

Good systems have rewards built in to them. So I decided that if my kids arrive at Friday morning with all their study work done, they get to have Friday morning off. I call it Fun Friday. If they want to play a game, I’ll make myself available to play with them. If they want to watch a show, play a computer game, or read a book; those will all be allowed. The only caveat is that they need to be ready to stop when the time comes to go to school. I think it is likely that there will be some weeks when Fun Friday feels harder to justify. There will be times with looming projects when logic dictates that the Friday morning hour be spent working. I’m going to do my best to make sure that Fun Friday is sacrosanct so long as they earn it by doing their regular work all week. I do such a poor job of carving out relaxation spaces for myself, I hope I can model something better for my kids. The truth is, I need fun Friday as much as they do. They are upstairs reading quietly and I do not have to stand guard while reading off the same spelling list that I’ve been dictating all week. Instead I am able to spool my thoughts out through my fingers, hopefully unwinding some tension in the process. So far this week, Friday is my favorite.

Fun Friday Read More »

The Line Between Normality and Abnormality is Wide and Murky

/ / 8 Comments

I have been pondering how to measure psychological normality. This may be a simple process to those who address such questions professionally, but I rather doubt it. The human mind is a complex thing and I suspect that there is not so much a line between normality and pathology as there is a large murky area which may be one or the other. When my daughter needs to take a small object to school so that she feels secure, this is normal. When she fills three quarters of her backpack with small objects and is insistent that she needs all of them, there is a larger emotional issue which needs to be addressed. For a long time I’ve had a functional definition for a disorder. Something becomes a disorder when it interferes with the things the person wants to accomplish. It is a good and solid definition, except for the fact that the human mind is wired to adapt and it will gradually change its perception of normality. Then I’m left wondering how we all came to consider as normal my daughter hauling seven pounds of erasers, small toys, pencils, pencil sharpeners, and trinkets to school. Once we identified the issue as a problem and found the root causes, my daughter was much happier and life was better. These days she skips off to school, her backpack empty of everything except school work.

Our own lives are always normal to us, except where they compare with recent history. My life feels normal to me, which is why I am bemused when someone tells me that reading my blog helps them feel like their life is more manageable, because they have less to handle than I do. I am then left to ponder, have I inched my way out into some abnormality without recognizing I have done so? If I have, why did I do it? Does it need fixed? Is my life structure a problem? On nights when I lay awake with my mind spinning and my heart racing I think that perhaps yes it is. On days when I get everything done and the sun is shining I think that perhaps it is not.

Standing in the middle of my life, it is hard to see past all my things to tell if the whole thing is running out of kilter or straight on course. An outside perspective is necessary. I rely heavily on prayer and inspiration for my outside perspectives. I get daily, sometimes hourly, feedback about whether to stay the course or shift things. I also depend upon several perceptive friends. I talk until my voice is hoarse and they see things which are invisible to me. I am extremely fortunate. Perceptive friends keep turning up in my life just when I most need them. They function in many of the ways that a good psychologist or therapist can function. Sometimes I get to be the perceptive friend for someone else. I always feel honored when this is the case. The truth is that we all need rescue sometime, often when we can’t even tell that we’re drowning.

The Line Between Normality and Abnormality is Wide and Murky Read More »

Scenes from the beginning of school

/

“Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.” I was checking handwritten names against the list provided by Gleek’s teacher. The first spelling list of the year required all the students to learn to spell each other’s names correctly. “Oh. This Alysa has a y, not an i.”
“I put a y!” Gleek said.
I turned the paper so she could see it. “On the page it has an i.”
“How did that happen?” Gleek’s whole body filled with tension and she clenched her fists. “I wrote a y! I wrote a y!”
“I’m sorry.” I said then elected to move on to the next name rather than fighting over that one. Several other mistakes were found until on the final name Gleek snatched the paper from my hand and crumpled it into a ball.
“Gleek, do you want to write all of the names three times or just the ones you missed?”
Gleek clenched the wadded paper tighter and glared at me.
“You need to practice these names.”
“I want to take the test again!” I could see in her face the fury at her mistakes the driving need she had to get this right.
“It’s okay to make mistakes, Gleek. They just show us where we need to practice. You don’t have to be perfect.”
Gleek threw the crumpled ball into the trash and collapsed her head onto her arms on the table. Her rigidity dissolved into noisy tears.
New school, new teacher, new peers, new expectations, adjusting to a new biorythmic schedule, and a case of swimmers ear; Gleek was entitled to her break down. I picked her up. I barely can these days, she is getting so big. We snuggled for a bit, put drops in her ears, and I had her tell me about her day. The spelling list could wait.

***

“Do you have any homework?” I asked.
“Nope.” Link answered cheerfully. He was holding his brand new 3DS. He’d been saving up his money all summer long, carefully calculating how long it would take. The combination of an unexpected windfall and a price drop meant it was delivered yesterday. Throughout the afternoon I would discover Link hovering near me with his 3DS in hand. He needed help connecting it to WiFi. He wanted it linked to our Netflix account. He had the money to buy a game, but needed a credit card to purchase points. Each request was reasonable, and each gave me pause. My son is venturing out into a world where he can choose his own entertainment and carry it with him. Each connection empowers him to make choices. It is always fearful for parents to contemplate the choices that their children might make. I watched Link’s bright face and could feel the cheerful innocence roll off him in waves. So I gave him rules and handed his device back.
“This is the best day ever!” Link announced as he put his headphones back into his ears.

***

“I don’t know what to write!” Patch moaned. He was faced with the task of writing three sentences describing his hopes for the new year. The problem being that he had no concrete hopes for the year to come. In general this is good, because when Patch plans he plans very specifically and then is quite upset if the world deviates from what he planned. In his new school he is still learning how things work. He has not gotten far enough along in the process to plan for much.
“You mentioned earlier that you wished for printed homework sheets instead of binder paper. You could write that.”
Patch shakes his head, all too aware that expressing such a hope for a teacher to read is tantamount to a summoning spell. He did like the look of Gleek’s homework more than his own, but quickly shifted into wishing for less homework in general.
In the end he wrote three sentences. “I hope for lots of reading time. I hope for lots of computer time. I hope to make new friends.” It was a good balance for him. These are expressions of wish, not plans. He is not obligated by them and therefore they apply no stress to him. This is good, because adapting to homework after dinner instead of play is a sufficient overturn to upset any kid.

***

Kiki brought home a boy after the first day of school. He is a familiar boy who was greeted with delight by all the rest of my children. On the second day of school, we intended for her to have a quieter afternoon. Instead we spent 45 minutes standing in line to get her Learner’s Driving Permit renewed. She now has six more months before acquiring a license will also require a written test.
“I think getting a job would be good for me.” She announced cheerfully as we drove toward the DMV. “It would be good experience and might help me get into college.”
The school counselors spoke of college today, and of ACT testing. Kiki was wrapping her head around the requirements and possibilities.
“I agree that a job would be a good experience. I think you need to be more settled into this school year before we’re ready to consider taking on anything else. Last year was pretty hard.”
“I know.” Kiki said with a toss of her hair. “But this year my classes are set up better. I get to push harder in art and I like art.”
“Well, then you need to finish off both your electronic high school class and your driver’s license before taking on anything new.”
Kiki sighed and rolled her eyes, but I could tell it was pro forma. She is as ready for a calmer year as I am for her to have one.

***

I am tired. The day was trauma free, but it was long and I’m still far from caught up on all the work things which fell behind during WorldCon. However the progress is good and tomorrow looks like it will have less child errands in it.

Scenes from the beginning of school Read More »

After WorldCon, The First Day of School

/ / 1 Comment

For what feels like the first time in three months I am alone in my house. I can feel the silence wrapping around me like a comfortable blanket. Even more I can feel the absence of imminent requests. As a mother and as a business manager I live my life on call. Then today I ushered my kids out the door and knew that (barring emergencies) they would not need me again for six hours. Howard slept and then headed out to a movie. He does not need anything from me today either. My computer is full of neediness. There are social media sites to catch up on, blogs to read, and emails to answer. Yet I am aware that this is mostly an artificial need. I choose to skip catching up on facebook and assume that I’ll be otherwise informed about things that are critically relevant to me. I barely skim twitter and google+. I haven’t yet touched my blog reader. The things in there are longer and require more focused energy.

The silence in my house reminds me that when school let out I was in the middle of finding a better balance between doing things for others and giving myself space to grow. I put that on hold and need to return to it. So I’m doing the same thing I did all week at WorldCon when I had more things clamoring for my attention than I could manage. I made a hand gesture to the observant and trustworthy sources of clamor. It was a single finger upraised, meaning “I see you. I’ll get to you. Let me finish this first.” The thoughts on life balance subside and settle in to wait patiently. I have accounting to do. In this case the accounting is not just money and inventory. I must account for the uses of my energy and Howard’s. These calculations are not easily weighed against each other, except by feel. How does a week full of sleepless nights rank against getting to see Steve Jackson and Monica Stephens every day? How does feeling ill on the night of the Hugos measure up to having David Brin stop by our booth to tell Howard he enjoys reading Schlock? And then there was the time that Larry Niven happened by and Howard was able to speak with him and gift him a book. The list of people I met for the first time is long. The list of stunningly beautiful, touching, dramatic moments is also long. I have to remember these things when I am so completely unable to be useful for business tasks today. The balance on WorldCon is overwhelmingly positive. I need to make records of this so that when I’m mired in pre-WorldCon stress next year I can check the balance sheet.

My children were delivered into my hands on Sunday, both tired and happy. We all made the trek home, traveling over night and into the morning. Then yesterday I walked with my youngest two through the halls of their new school. They bounced to their classrooms and spoke with their teachers. I did not bounce and any time I sat down I had to fight off sleep. Yet I was still able to feel that the place was good. I think that my children will do well there. I could see some of the small tensions in them relax. When they come home we will begin with establishing solid homework and bed times. I have hopes that after all my preparations for this fall to be difficult, it will not be. I might be more stressed about the whole thing if I had energy to spare. Instead I need to muster the brain cells to answer email.

After WorldCon, The First Day of School Read More »

Input Overload at WorldCon

/

I am not currently reading anything off of the internet. Unless the News is big enough to enter the convention chatter, I will not hear about it until the middle of next week. My regular round of blogs are stacking up and it will take me some time to get through the pile. I’m only checking email and Twitter, both from my phone. This is not unexpected. Conventions are so full of conversations and new experiences that the last thing I need to do is shove more thought-fodder into my brain. I’m already spending at least an hour each night laying awake in the darkness while my mind sorts and files the day. What I want to do upon falling in bed at 1 am is to drop immediately into a deep sleep. Unfortunately the nightly brain sort is fueled by caffeine. I’ve been consuming far more of it than usual to combat the sleep deprivation, which is a little ironic.

In previous years at WorldCon I’ve had quiet moments at the booth where I can do a quick sorting of thoughts. This year I know far more people. There are fewer down times. When I do have them, I often spend the talking with Sal and Caryn who are helping us run our booth and whom I see far too seldom. Part of me worries that the lack of processing time is going to cause me to lose track of thoughts and things which I would otherwise have written. I just have to trust that what I’m doing is accumulating a wealth of raw experiences from which I can pull later. This year I’ve not suffered from the out-of-place feelings which plagued me during the Montreal WorldCon. Although sometimes I am so far outside my normal context that a part of my brain stands up and says “What are you doing here? Is this really what you should be doing?” When I arrive at these thoughts I do a quick check to make sure that I’m not doing something which I’ll feel bad about later. (Not so far) Then I shuffle those thoughts out of sight as quickly as possible, because following that trail of thoughts leads to the part of my brain in which my parenting thoughts are stored. If I delve there I will end up actively missing my kids, which leads to tears.

Tonight is the night when I get to wear my dress and go to the Hugos. Yes I will have pictures later. Sal has an excellent camera. It may be a day or two until I have time to acquire them from Sal and put them up. We have a plan which lets us leave the booth before it closes, change, snatch a quick dinner, and then arrive at the pre-Hugo reception only a little bit late. I hope the plan goes smoothly because the lovely heels I’m wearing are not great for running.

Input Overload at WorldCon Read More »

Quick Friday Worldcon notes

/

I had two panels today. I was not an expert voice on either one, but I was able to contribute constructively. Both panels were graced with solid professionals who had no agendas other than giving good information. It was a pleasure both times. After the panels I had people come up to ask me various questions and I had reasonably useful information to provide.

One of the coolest moments from last night was when I got to introduce my friend Sal to Eric Flint. Sal loves Eric’s books. Eric quickly discovered that Sal is extremely expert in history and swordsmanship. They exchanged cards and agreed to talk further. Introducing people to other people is becoming really fun for me. I like to think about what facets about each person would appeal to the other and give them fodder for conversation. It is a technique I picked up from watching Mary Robinette Kowal.

Speaking of Mary, I got to witness her puppet show. It was delightful and full of highly memorable memorable moments. I need to do a full write up on it when I’m not moments away from heading out for dinner.

Quick Friday Worldcon notes Read More »

Notes from the first two days of WorldCon

/ / 1 Comment

When I’m working a booth, I have to be radiating energy. I need to be alert and watching for people who need help or have questions. I try to remember names and faces because in a five day show many of those people will come back to the booth. I also need to assess new people to figure out what flavor of patter will best engage them and be comfortable for them. Some people want to browse in peace. Others are brightened by having me talk to them and explain what they are looking at. I was not doing any of that yesterday morning. It puzzled me until I realized that lately I’ve been in a retreat and re-group emotional state. Running a booth is very much an outreach event. I poured a can of caffeinated soda over that realization and suddenly I was able to be fully involved in all the booth running.

It helped tremendously that so many familiar people are here. I love turning around and seeing someone I haven’t seen for months or years. Each day is full of a dozen little catching-up conversations. They are like little appetizers. Hopefully I can find some of those same people in the evening hours when I can sit down to really talk. I did exactly that last night. I found groups of good people and reveled in conversation. The night was capped off when Howard and I were among those who found John Scalzi’s forgotten laptop bag. We went on a quest to return it to him and succeeded. As a suitable reward for this effort, Scalzi bestowed upon us SFWA guest stickers. This means we have weekend long access to the SFWA suite which is full of lovely people and food containing nutrients rather than preservatives.

As is usual we ended up being a meeting place for friends and sometimes a bag repository. We planned for this, deliberately trying to create a space big enough to invite folks in to sit. Having our own little lounge space means that we have people to talk to when there is a sales lull. Sometimes it seems like WorldCon is made of talking. My head gets a little over full, then I step away from the booth for a bit and talk to no one. Or I pull out a notebook and scribble down thoughts. If I pin them to paper they won’t get away and I can stop trying to hold them in my poor overstimulated brain.

Today’s delightful moment which inspired a scribbled note was the moment when I introduced my friend Sal Sanfratello who is former military and a current weapons instructor in Michigan to my friend Larry Correia who has done much the same in Utah. Standing nearby was Ethan Skarsgardt who is current military. Within three minutes they’d covered the sad lack of concealed carry reciprocity in Nevada which meant none of them were armed. But then they all three flipped out their folding knives almost at the same time. The knives all looked the same to me, but they traded them around talking edges and manufacturers. I love it when I can introduce friends and have them instantly get along.

Next I’m headed into another convention evening. I’m not sure if this one will run as long as the other one did. I was up until 2 am last night, which is a wee bit late if I want to be effective the next day. Fortunately it seems to have energized me. I have had a marvelous day and expect to have an even better evening.

Oh, and yes the sales are going well. We’ve paid our expenses and have three days left.

Notes from the first two days of WorldCon Read More »