One Cobble at a Time

Over the past week or more I’ve been experiencing an accumulation of guilt/negativity/self dislike. This accumulation peaked last night and this morning when it all spilled out in a conversation with Howard. The central theme of my rant was that I’m a bad person because I have this whole list of important things which simply aren’t getting done. Howard, wise man that he is, listened and hugged and nodded. Then when I’d wound down a little he asked: “So is this list written down?”

No. It isn’t. Bits of it are written in random places, but mostly I’ve been trying to task manage in my head. On a great day I can keep track of 10 or 20 objectives for the day in my head. But most days are just ordinary. On ordinary days I can keep track of 4-6 objectives, on bad days I can only track 1or 2 things. Everything below those top objectives completely falls out of my head until I have an external reminder. This means that important tasks get forgotten until they are critical or overdue. The key here is the external reminder. I need to write this stuff down so that I can check the list. In past times I have used a planner for this. Last year when money was so tight I decided not to buy more pages for it. It wasn’t a problem last year because the pace of life around here was much slower. I didn’t have as many variables to keep track of. That is not the case this Fall, and I have been slowly going crazy trying to keep all this stuff in my head.

Today Howard went and bought me pages for my old planner. I sat down and started all the repetitive writing necessary to set up a paper planner. I don’t like having to write “laundry” on every Tuesday and Friday page, but having the word there is an important trigger to make sure that it gets done. As I wrote I kept remembering small tasks that I want to have done. I wrote them all in a list. As the list got longer I felt calmer and calmer inside my head. All those tasks have been floating in the back of my brain yammering at me to do them. I couldn’t let them go or they would never get done. But once I write them, I can really let them go because I can always check the list to find out what they are.

Having a planner will not solve my problems. But it does let me sort them logically. For the first time in days, my head feels clear and I don’t feel paralyzed by the sheer weight of how many things need done.

Last night I had a minor panic attack. Alright, it wasn’t really a panic attack, not in the way that some people get them. I did not hyperventilate or get shaky. But I did realize that Cub Scout Pack meeting is coming this Wednesday. Pack meeting isn’t usually a big deal, but this one has a deadline. It is the Pack Meeting after Link’s 9th birthday. If he didn’t finish all his requirements for his wolf badge before this pack meeting, then he would officially be too old to ever get his wolf badge. I did not want that measurable failure looming in his brain for the rest of his childhood. What really bugs me is that I had the exact same panic moment the week before his birthday. Then I was told I had until the pack meeting after his birthday. I resolved to help him finish everything up with time to spare. Ha! I had the panic moment last week too when I realized that September was almost gone. I re-resolved to help Link get it all done. Again with the Ha! So today I cornered Link and we sat down to finish up the few last requirements.

It might look like I’m doing a good thing for my son by frantically rearranging my life to make sure that he doesn’t have to live with a measurable failure, but the truth is I cheated him. The point of cub scout requirements is not to fulfill the assignments and earn a badge. The real point is to provide hours of structured parental attention for the boy. Scrambling to tick off requirements is not at all comparable to taking a requirement and turning it into an enjoyable bonding experience. I’ve had a year to gradually work through all of these things. I wasted that year. I cheated my son out of hours of individual time that he desperately needs. Link is quiet and mellow. He does not get as much attention as his noisier siblings because he isn’t jumping up and down in front of my face. He needs the attention as much or more than they do, but he doesn’t get it. Cub scouts done right, could have provided that for him, but I dropped the ball. I’m out of time. Now all I can do is scramble to help him get his wolf badge and resolve to do better on the bear badge.

BUT today I did do one requirement right. He needed to play catch with someone for a requirement. We stood outside in the sunshine. Breezes wafted about pleasantly. Link threw wild throws at me which I tried to catch. I tossed the ball at him and he tried to catch. Link explained to me all the different ways he has been taught to throw a ball. Then he told about school today. He even went into detail about a multiplication story that his teacher told to them. Then he asked about my day and what I did while he was in school. Link was completely happy. He had my attention and was getting to play a fun game. I looked at his happy face and realized that my irritation at having to retrieve wild throws and my boredom with playing catch are a price I am willing to pay if it connects me to my son. He spends so much time living in worlds inside his own head. That is not a bad thing, I have worlds of my own, but I need to teach him enough that he is not afraid of the real world. He needs to be able to talk and relate and understand. I need to be able to understand him. He may think we are catching a ball, but I know we are catching a moment. During that moment his mind is alert and open for me to talk about things that may be difficult. During that moment he is really here rather than somewhere else. During that moment I can learn more about what he thinks. During that moment I can tell him what I think and why. I think I need to make space in our lives for more catching moments.

I wanted a fun mother/daughter movie for Kiki and I to watch together. I picked up Uptown Girls. Every preview I saw billed this as a happy little comedy. For a comedy it was on the bittersweet side. This would not have been a problem except that the little girl’s dad is in a vegetative coma. For Kiki the whole concept of “human vegetable” was completely new and it sucked all the fun right out of the movie. Also new concepts were the idea that things can be repossessed if we don’t pay our bills and obsessive/compulsive hypochondria.

Kiki now lists this movie as the saddest movie she has ever seen. We spent 90 minutes after the movie was over talking about all the issues and gently shifting Kiki into happy thoughts. On the upside I was able to point out to her how much luckier she is than anyone in the movie. They all had loads of money, but Kiki has so much family that the chances of her ever being left all alone in the world are just about zero. Kiki liked that thought. At one point she asked why anyone would ever make a movie so sad. I answered that some people have been through things that sad and they need this movie to see that they can survive sad things.

Remember, Uptown Girls is a comedy. The issues in it that rocked Kiki’s world were only passing plot points as far as the movie was concerned. I’m going to be more careful about movie choices for Kiki for awhile. Yes she does need to know about some of this awful stuff that is in the world, but I’d like her to have basic knowledge before she gets sideswiped by living it through fictional movie characters. I’m thinking Fried Green Tomatoes and Awakenings are out for a while here.

The kids did all their work. Every last scavenger list item was checked off. It took until 2 pm, but it was all done and the house has been salvaged from the mess. For their reward the kids unanimously chose going to Discovery Park. This is a park in Pleasant Grove that has really cool play structures, but we don’t go there often because the drive is about 15 minutes. Originally I said we could only have the park as a reward if the work was all done by 1 pm. They dawdled. 1 pm arrived and some of the work was still undone. I stated that the park was no longer an option. Kiki threw a fit. This was the absolute end of her life. She was never going to get to Discovery Park because obviously the whole universe hates her and would conspire to make sure she never had any fun. Ever.

The tantrum did not impress me. What changed my mind was the cheerful announcement at 1:10 from Link that he was all done could we go to the park now? Gleek and Patches joined forces with him. They all gave me bright eyed, anticipatory stares. I did a quick mental calculation and realized that if we left for the park at 2 pm, the kids could play for two hours and we could still be back in time for me to get to my 4:30 event. I informed them of this. Then I informed Kiki. The three younger kids descended upon Kiki’s full laundry basket and began a laundry folding assembly line. That basket of laundry had been the sticking point. Kiki had done lots of reading trying to pretend that the laundry would fold itself. This time she didn’t learn about the consequences of dawdling. Instead she got to learn how much her brothers and sister love her and how willing they are to help her if she would just stop locking them out.

The trip to the park was a good one. All the kids had fun. I’m calling the Scavenger Hunt a success. I don’t know how successful it will be in future weeks though. This week it was new and exciting, if I do it too often it will become routine. Hopefully we’ll keep the house in better shape this coming week and extreme measures won’t be necessary next Saturday.

Problem: The house is a wreck and the mess is driving me crazy

Problem: I cannot clean it up by myself while allowing kids to play because they out number me and can make messes faster than I can clean.

Problem: They made most of the mess, why should I be the maid?

Solution: Make the kids do the cleaning

Problem: Making kids do work is unpleasant. They complain, whine, and fail to work while I run around trying to make them work. I get increasingly frustrated and angry because I feel like I’m doing all the work anyway only with additional stress of feeling like they should be working.

Problem: I’m still fighting a sinus infection and thus I’m extra tired and cranky to begin with

Problem: Howard is not at home to back me up with his ultra voice

Problem: The kids don’t want to work, they don’t see any reward in it at all.

Solution: I created a scavenger hunt list for each of the kids. On it were the chores that they were expected to complete. The lists are scaled to the ages of the kids. Patches has the shortest list, Kiki has the longest. When all four lists are completed we will do something as a family for a reward. The kids get to vote on the reward. The person who finishes their work first gets the tiebreaker vote should there be a conflict over what the reward should be. I get veto power over the reward.

In theory this provides motivation for them to actually work. I don’t mind helping with chores. I hate having to get mean in order to motivate them to get their work done. We’ll see how it goes.

At bedtime Kiki asked “why is today such a celebration day?” She had good reasons for the question. On the way home from school we stopped by the store. All of the kids had allowance money, so they all got to buy something to bring home. Half of what Kiki brought home was treats to share. Patches also selected treats over a toy. Once at home all four of the kids curled up in front of a movie and shared the bounty. They were all happy together for hours without interruption. What a rare and beautiful thing that was.

It was greatly assisted by the fact that the doorbell completely failed to ring. Usually the afternoons are punctuated by the sound of the doorbell as neighborhood kids run in and out of the house. The number of children in my home will fluctuate between 0 and 11 on a few moments notice. Since afternoon is my low ebb of energy I sometimes have a hard time keeping up with it all. Today it was just my kids and they were all being nice to each other. This was heavenly since I’m fighting a sinus infection that is leaving me exhausted and unmotivated. The lack of motivation caused me to short circuit the bedtime battle by announcing that Gleek and Patches could have a sleep over on Gleek’s bed. The two of them curled up together as happy as a pair of puppies. Then they actually went to sleep. In fairness I told Kiki and Link that they could do the same thing, hence Kiki’s announcement.

Some family bonding has to be carefully planned and managed by me. Then there are days like today which are filled with serendipitous bonding. Of such wonderful weaves are families made. I wish I could always weave us together so strongly with so little work.

Today I walked into the school office to drop off some paperwork and I was instantly recognized by the principal as Gleek’s mother. He then noted which box the paperwork was going into and further identified me as Link’s mother. One month ago he had no clue who I was, now he has me securely linked to both of my kids who attend his school. I have mixed feelings about this. I am very grateful for the caring administrators at my kids’ school. They take time to know the kids by name and to help the ones who are struggling. I am a little embarrassed that my kids have done things which required focused administrator’s attention. I am glad that my kids feel like the adults at the school are friendly. I am relieved that the conversation could consist of statements about how much better Gleek is doing now.

We are now 4 weeks into the school year. I’m starting to feel in control of the schedule. It is a hectic schedule, but I’m not being completely swamped by it anymore. This is good because time is marching headlong toward the release of the next Schlock book and my preparations should be proceeding apace. Unfortunately they aren’t yet. I meant to have a store ready for beta testing by the end of this week. Now I’ll be lucky if I can make that happen by the middle of next week. I’m not sure why my personal schedule spiraled out of control just as the kids seem to be settling in. Perhaps one is a reaction to the other. During the first few weeks of school I had to give the kids 100% to make things work at all.

Now I just want to curl up with a movie or a book and pretend that my house is in order. It isn’t though. And every time I look around I see maintenance tasks which need done, but which I’d rather not do. Things like dishes and vacuuming. In fact my house has reached the state where I think longingly of scooping all the detritus into a box and throwing it away. This would create massive mutiny and rebellion in the children, but it would make the house cleaner.

I think the reason the house has gotten so bad is because neither I nor the kids have had mental room to make sure that chores actually got done. We’ve all been too busy adapting to school. Hopefully I can leverage this weekend and put chores back on the daily schedule of events. I just get so tired of making kids do things they don’t want to do.

Two years ago today: Kiki was 9, Link was 7, Gleek was 3, Patches was 1, we had just sunk money into having a bathroom finished, we had enough money in savings to pay three months of bills, cartooning had netted $-600 for the year, and Howard cleaned out his Novell office never to return. What an insane week that was. Most of the stress can’t be found in my LJ entries of the time. We couldn’t say things in public until after they were announced at Novell and afterward there didn’t seem to be much point. I did write one entry. That entry completely fails to capture how incredibly sure I was that quitting was the right choice. I was sure right up until two years ago today when Howard came home with the contents of his office. Then I was terrified. I remember lying on the couch thinking about the kids and the house and all of the bills to be paid. The weight of those responsibilities was almost a physical sensation.

For the next year we never had enough money in hand to cover more than three months of bills. Sometimes we knew where the next chunk of money would come from, sometimes we didn’t. Any time I stopped to rationally look at our financial situation I was paralyzed by the fear that we would lose our dream, that Howard would have to go get a day job to make ends meet. So we couldn’t stop. We had to just keep walking and trusting that the path would appear before our feet. At the end of that year, one year ago today, I wrote another entry. That entry is more reflective of my actual mind state at the time it was written. So we continued walking and hoping that somehow we’d find a way to make cartooning work without charity or windfalls.

The release of Schlock Mercenary: Under New Management changed everything. We were at the very end of our money. If the book didn’t sell well enough, Howard would have to get a day job which might have heralded the end of cartooning. The book did sell well. For the first time in over a year we could see how hard work would bring in enough money. Since the launch of the book we can see the pathway ahead, not just for a few months, but for several years. Life will undoubtedly throw a few curves in the road, but we no longer take slow and fearful steps. Now we can run. Today I pause in my headlong jog toward the future, to muse on what an amazing journey we took step by careful step.

My two years ago self would have loved a peek into the future to see now. She would have been comforted to know that it would all work out. But then she already believed that it would, most of the time. But if two years ago I had seen the future, I would not have learned the same lessons. I would not have grown in the same ways. And possibly we would not have ended up in the same place. I am very glad for the past two years. I would not change them, even though they were very hard at the time.

I’ve been doing lots of research into running an online store because we want a better ordering solution than a pile of paypal buttons. Happily I’ve found lots of possibilities and I’m currently testing them to see which fits us best. Also very happy was discovering that one of my teenage friends has her own online store. It’s called Just Another Sunset and it is full of fairy/fantasy things that I wish I could buy for Kiki and Gleek because they would love them. Maybe for Christmas after we’ve managed the launch of Schlock book II. In the meantime all of you can go take a look and see the pretty things.