The past two years

Two years ago today: Kiki was 9, Link was 7, Gleek was 3, Patches was 1, we had just sunk money into having a bathroom finished, we had enough money in savings to pay three months of bills, cartooning had netted $-600 for the year, and Howard cleaned out his Novell office never to return. What an insane week that was. Most of the stress can’t be found in my LJ entries of the time. We couldn’t say things in public until after they were announced at Novell and afterward there didn’t seem to be much point. I did write one entry. That entry completely fails to capture how incredibly sure I was that quitting was the right choice. I was sure right up until two years ago today when Howard came home with the contents of his office. Then I was terrified. I remember lying on the couch thinking about the kids and the house and all of the bills to be paid. The weight of those responsibilities was almost a physical sensation.

For the next year we never had enough money in hand to cover more than three months of bills. Sometimes we knew where the next chunk of money would come from, sometimes we didn’t. Any time I stopped to rationally look at our financial situation I was paralyzed by the fear that we would lose our dream, that Howard would have to go get a day job to make ends meet. So we couldn’t stop. We had to just keep walking and trusting that the path would appear before our feet. At the end of that year, one year ago today, I wrote another entry. That entry is more reflective of my actual mind state at the time it was written. So we continued walking and hoping that somehow we’d find a way to make cartooning work without charity or windfalls.

The release of Schlock Mercenary: Under New Management changed everything. We were at the very end of our money. If the book didn’t sell well enough, Howard would have to get a day job which might have heralded the end of cartooning. The book did sell well. For the first time in over a year we could see how hard work would bring in enough money. Since the launch of the book we can see the pathway ahead, not just for a few months, but for several years. Life will undoubtedly throw a few curves in the road, but we no longer take slow and fearful steps. Now we can run. Today I pause in my headlong jog toward the future, to muse on what an amazing journey we took step by careful step.

My two years ago self would have loved a peek into the future to see now. She would have been comforted to know that it would all work out. But then she already believed that it would, most of the time. But if two years ago I had seen the future, I would not have learned the same lessons. I would not have grown in the same ways. And possibly we would not have ended up in the same place. I am very glad for the past two years. I would not change them, even though they were very hard at the time.

8 thoughts on “The past two years”

  1. Good for you. It’s almost like you were on a two year mission to survive and now you get to reap some of the blessings you earned during those two years… eh?

    I often feel that way about the first few years of marriage… would we have the relationship we have today if we hadn’t suffered, if I hadn’t been sick, if we hadn’t been poor?
    I am glad for all the lessons I’ve learned over the last 12 years of life.
    Now on to more lesson learning! 🙂

  2. Good for you. It’s almost like you were on a two year mission to survive and now you get to reap some of the blessings you earned during those two years… eh?

    I often feel that way about the first few years of marriage… would we have the relationship we have today if we hadn’t suffered, if I hadn’t been sick, if we hadn’t been poor?
    I am glad for all the lessons I’ve learned over the last 12 years of life.
    Now on to more lesson learning! 🙂

  3. But If two years ago I had seen the future, I would not have learned the same lessons. I would not have grown in the same ways. And possibly we would not have ended up in the same place. I am very glad for the past two years. I would not change them, even though they were very hard at the time.

    This has been an important part of my life philosophy lately. There are things in the past few years that have been difficult to go through, but I can’t question anything that led to the happiness I have now. And as hard as the last two years have been for you and your family, they have led to the present situation, and more security in cartooning keeping you afloat.

    And I know that you and Howard, and your success in making everything work, have been an inspiration to other cartoonists contemplating the same moves, and that’s something to be proud of too.

    Happy Full-Time Schlock Day!

  4. But If two years ago I had seen the future, I would not have learned the same lessons. I would not have grown in the same ways. And possibly we would not have ended up in the same place. I am very glad for the past two years. I would not change them, even though they were very hard at the time.

    This has been an important part of my life philosophy lately. There are things in the past few years that have been difficult to go through, but I can’t question anything that led to the happiness I have now. And as hard as the last two years have been for you and your family, they have led to the present situation, and more security in cartooning keeping you afloat.

    And I know that you and Howard, and your success in making everything work, have been an inspiration to other cartoonists contemplating the same moves, and that’s something to be proud of too.

    Happy Full-Time Schlock Day!

  5. We had a discussion about this in two of my classes yesterday. (Both taught by the same professor.) He had us close our eyes and imagine the happiest we had ever been. The best moment we could ever think of, be it mission, marriage, the scoring touchdown in a football game, or simply remembering being thrown into the air to be caught in the sure, steady hands of a loving father as a young child. Then, he asked us, “Now, if you were given the option of staying right there, forever, never moving beyond that point… would you take it? Or would you go forward? Knowing that there would be trials, suffering, and loss… that unspeakable things could possibly happen… would you still go forward?” I thought back to some harder times, like Middle School, which I can still claim as the worst period of my life. I would never go back, for all the world… but I would also never give those years up. They’re what make me… me! And a part of that growth is the uncertainty of what’s going to happen. You learn a lot about yourself when you look back on trials and how you handled them without knowing how they would turn out. 🙂

  6. We had a discussion about this in two of my classes yesterday. (Both taught by the same professor.) He had us close our eyes and imagine the happiest we had ever been. The best moment we could ever think of, be it mission, marriage, the scoring touchdown in a football game, or simply remembering being thrown into the air to be caught in the sure, steady hands of a loving father as a young child. Then, he asked us, “Now, if you were given the option of staying right there, forever, never moving beyond that point… would you take it? Or would you go forward? Knowing that there would be trials, suffering, and loss… that unspeakable things could possibly happen… would you still go forward?” I thought back to some harder times, like Middle School, which I can still claim as the worst period of my life. I would never go back, for all the world… but I would also never give those years up. They’re what make me… me! And a part of that growth is the uncertainty of what’s going to happen. You learn a lot about yourself when you look back on trials and how you handled them without knowing how they would turn out. 🙂

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