I read a lot of articles online, but when I read an excerpt from Lisa Damour’s Untangled, I knew I wanted to read the rest of the book. I approached it cautiously. I’ve picked up so many parenting / therapy / self-help books and been disappointed in them. Sometimes these books irritate me by assuming things about me or my child that do not apply. Other times they accurately describe my problem, but then try to prescribe fixes for me that simply would not work in my house. Most often they simply have little new information to offer. I end up skimming through pages and pages to find a single idea that I can apply in my life. So I checked Damour’s book out of the library expecting to skim and glean some useful information. By the end of chapter two, I’d ordered a copy for myself because I want to be able to re-read it and write notes in the margins.
Right in the introduction Damour stated that she did not seek to be prescriptive, she just wanted to describe the natural emotional / intellectual development of teenage girls and let readers come to their own conclusions or solutions. (The same development happens in boys, but it manifests a bit differently and Damour chose to focus on teen girls.) She does offer suggestions here and there, but they’re almost always a list of “some have found this works” or “you might want to try this.” I can tell you the exact paragraph where I fell in love with Damour as a writer / psychologist / mother. She was describing a study that has been done about the correlation between teens doing well socially and academically and them eating dinner with their parents more than three times per week. I already knew about that study. I’ve read it. I’ve felt guilty about it and resolved to do better at making family dinner happen. Then I’ve watched the efforts fade away so I felt guilty again. After describing the study, Damour says this in a parenthetical:
Here are some questions I’m hoping further research will address. Must the meal be hot? Must it last more than ten minutes to achieve its magical benefits? And how often can I freak out about table manners and still have a positive influence on my daughters? Obviously, important work waits to be done.
At that moment I knew that Damour gets it. She understands that every thing we do for our kids, for our work, for or ourselves comes at the expense of some other good thing we could be doing. Time, energy, and willpower are limited resources and we all have to make choices about how to spend them. After that parenthetical I was very willing to read more of what she had to say. She didn’t disappoint.
The other reason I was afraid to read the book was because of where I was emotionally. I was in the middle of a grief I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to get rid of. I was actively grieving the normal teenagerhoods that it seemed my kids would never be able to have because of their combinations of mental health and developmental issues. I was very afraid that this book would just make me cry because it would describe a teenage experience that was out of reach for my family. It did the opposite. This book shifted the way I think about my teens (the boys as well as the girl) and healed much of the grief I had been feeling.
Damour’s book describes specific developmental drives that happen in teenage brains. She talks about how those drives can manifest differently in different teens and different parent child relationships. Then at the end of each chapter she outlines some things to watch for which might indicate that your child has a problem which isn’t covered by “normal teenage development.” Reading Damour’s descriptions, I was finally able to see how much of my teen’s behaviors are actually normal rather than driven by their issues. It can be really hard to tell with teens because normal teenage behavior would be disordered behavior if done by an adult. Damour’s descriptions have finally provided me with the tool to sift through the things my teens do and say. Knowing which behaviors are normal means I am better able to sit back and let them learn through struggling instead of jumping to their rescue. I’m also able to look at which developmental drives are being interrupted or hampered by the mental health issues. I can see ways to help that I hadn’t seen before. All of this is subtle, but very significant.
I think Damour’s Untangled is going to be like Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, a book that I recommend over and over again to people who are struggling. It certainly feels like a personal paradigm shift, like when I first read the article about The Power and Peril of Praising Your Kids. That article changed how I parented forever. I’m still absorbing information from Damour’s book and letting it settle into my brain. Yet, I’ve already been less stressed and anxious. I’ve changed small decisions every single day based on what I’ve learned. Instead of jumping in with concern (thus communicating that the experience is not normal and is an emergency) I’ve been able to stay back and express confidence that my kid can handle it. And they have. And everyone was happier and more confident for it.
So if you have a teenager, are going to have a teenager, or know teenagers you want to understand better, I recommend Lisa Damour’s Untangled.
Dear Sandra,
I thought I’d just share my childhood experience with shared family dinners (although we called it “tea” because I’m from Britain). I’m the youngest of four siblings. We had “tea” together every day of the week, but it wasn’t some kind of special event with hot food and goodness knows what. It was a simple matter – we put plates, knives, butter, sliced cheese and ham, some jam etc. on the table, sat down and ate, self-service style (some would come on time nad helpe prepare, some would come late and join in as we said prayer and started together). We usually drank English-style tea, but that’s not essential. Sometimes Mum prepared a salad, sometimes we had semolina porridge, sometimes we finished off leftovers from lunch, sometimes we had cheese-and-tomatoes-on-toast, but those kind of things were perhaps 1-2 times per month. I don’t think the type of meal was important at all. What was important that we spent some ordinary time together and made normal conversation without watching films, playing games etc. – nothing to take our focus away.
When I was 17, I started playing World of Warcraft and later joined a raiding guild. We had raids every day from 8 PM, so I tried to make the family come to tea about 7, so I could manage both. We were used to having late teas (often around 8 PM), so it didn’t always work out, so I skipped tea sometimes after that – not because I din’t want to eat with my family, but because I wanted to be on the raid and late-comers missed out.
Another tradition we had was “story time” – after tea we would sit down and Dad would read a chapter of some book that we all agreed on. That was great! When we grew older, we started spending the evening each on his own more, which is understandable, so story time kind of peetered out, but it was a mainstay until I was about 17 (and started raiding in WoW). I have fond memories of it 🙂
So anyway, what I wanted to say is that the “family dinner” thing almost certainly doesn’t have to be a spectacular event – if it’s to be frequent, it can’t be anything “special” imho. It can be prepared very quickly by the whole family. But of course, our style might not be suitable for other families. Anyway, good luck and thanks for the ever-inspiring parenting thoughts 🙂
Adam
I am thrilled to have found your blog and enjoyed reading your review of untangled.
I feel such instant hope of finding relief from grief and guilt in parenting my teen daughter with mental and emotional issues. I have felt so lost, confused, terrified and alone as I have tried to help her – while trying to help myself. I am going to find it and read it.
I found you while trying to fill out my wish list for Gen Con Writers Symposium. I just googled your name and saw that you are “connected” to Howard Tayler and noted your 2009 award “Association of Mormon Letters”. A woman who writes essays on parenting and mental illness, is a writer themselves, and has seemingly obvious similarities to me in fantasy, sci-fi and religion and has teens – is someone who’s words I need to hear.
Thank you for sharing.
Hope it helps you as much as it helped me. Find me at GenCon and we can talk. Parenting teens with mental health stuff is so hard. Sharing experience and knowledge helps.