Today Kiki was sitting nearby when Howard and I were discussing how our life has changed the last 8 months with some neighbors.
I said:
“We’re a lot happier. Much poorer, but lots happier.”
Kiki perked up and said:
“I haven’t even noticed that we’re poorer.”
Yay. I’ve done my job in providing for the kids well enough that they can’t even tell the difference.
I sometimes worry a little at how differently I treat Gleek and Patches than I treated Kiki and Link at the same ages. I know that they are different people and require different interactions from me, so I guess what really concerns me is that I might be reacting to thier behaviors rather than considering and carefully choosing to act in the ways that will best help them to grow and learn. I remember spending lots of time thinking and planning how to teach and nurture Link and Kiki. Now I seem to function mostly on instinct. Some of those instincts are good ones that I spent lots of effort to train into myself when Kiki and Link were young. Others are instincts that I took lots of effort to supress, but somehow failed to suppress into non-existence.
These days instead of spending lots of time nurturing and interacting, I spend significant amounts of time trying to occupy Gleek and Patches so that I can go and do my own things. There should be space in my life for both. I should be glad to spend time with my children. I should be involving them in my projects so they can learn how projects work. The my projects would become our projects. It would be so wonderful if I could always greet my children with a face which says “I’m glad of you!” rather than “You’re annoying me again!” I haven’t been doing that and I need to figure out how.