Day: February 6, 2006

During church last Sunday I had an epiphany. Like any good epiphany, it was not a single inspiring thought, but rather a mental shift which caused a cascade of new thougts and re-adjustments of old thoughts. The epiphany was this: if I am filling my mind and heart with gratitude for the things I have, then I do not have room for dissatisfaction or fear or any of the other feelings which make me unhappy. The thought itself isn’t brilliant. It is one of those “I should already know this” kinds of thoughts. But the application of this epiphany in my life shifts how I view everything. I’ve been resentful over the possible loss of cartooning when I should be feeling grateful that we got to do it at all.

When Howard quit Novell, we only figured he’d be able to cartoon for a few months before having to get another full time job. Circumstances have conspired to allow full-time cartooning to continue for 18 months so far. At first we were only grateful for each month we could continue. But now I’m greedy. I want it to last forever and I know that our savings are running out. The end of the savings felt like the end of cartooning, the end of everything. Currently cartooning pays about 1/3 of our family’s bills. I do not see how we can triple cartooning income in only 8 more months. Another two years, probably, but not in 8 months. Obviously this situation cannot continue. But so long as my head was full of fear and frustration I was unable to see anything but the looming deadline of “no more money.” It was getting very hard to pinch pennies cheerfully when attaining our goal of cartooning forever seemed futile. This feeling of futility hung over both Howard and I. We’ve lamented time and opportunities now gone. Howard’s work on the book is progressing, but isn’t done yet. Even our best case scenarios on book sales don’t solve the financial problems. I was picturing us running out of savings and Howard having to give up cartooning for a corporate job.

Today gratitude has banished fear. Most people never get the chance to live thier dreams. We’ve had our dream for 18 months now. That is a marvelous gift. Today I feel grateful that we’ve had the chance without feeling fearful that we won’t get to keep it. This clarity of mind and heart meant that when I did bookkeeping this morning I saw the finances differently. Suddenly I see that we don’t need a high paying, high stress corporate job. All we need is a way to bring in that other 2/3 of our monthly bills as we gradually continue to build the cartooning income. A part time job might do it. I’ve no idea what kind of a part time job, but I’m sure that somewhere out there is a job that would work. For the first time in more than a year I can visualize a financially sustainable future.

It seems I have yet another thing to be grateful for.