I need to be hit with a cluebat
For the past week or two I have had worlds of trouble trying to put Link to bed. He’d get out of bed up to a dozen times each night for a myriad of reasons. He wanted to sell something on ebay. He was worried that his blankets would get ripped to pieces. He was hungry. He wanted an extra hug. He needed a drink. He couldn’t sleep. The list went on and on. I’ve been ascribing this new and annoying behavior to the general sleep disruption that all my kids are experiencing due to the summer schedule. We’ve all been staying up late and sleeping late. I’ve been responding to the behavior with increasing amounts of irritation and anger.
Until last night it did not occur to me that what I was seeing was displaced anxiety. Link’s first, best, sometimes only, friend is moving away tomorrow. Last night Link could no longer dodge the source of his disturbance. At 11 last night Link got out of bed and was in tears because he didn’t want his friend to leave. Howard and I comforted as best we could. In truth there wasn’t much we could say to make Link feel better. We have plans to stay in touch with this friend. The friend is only moving 90 minutes away. But we all know that the friendship will not be the same as it has been. We comforted as best we could and we all went to bed exhausted.
Then I dreamed. I dreamed that I was taking all my kids on a train trip. We got our tickets and needed to rush for the train. It was there ready to go, but I was not ready. I bustled to grab kids and toys and shoes. But I was not ready in time. The train pulled out before I got on. Only as it was moving away did I realize that Link had already gotten onto the train without the rest of us. I’d been aware that he climbed onto the train, but it hadn’t registered until the doors were all closed an the train was leaving. Then I woke up.
At first I tried to exorcise the tension of the dream by spinning response scenarios. I could grab a conductor and have them call the train driver. Some train official could meet Link at the next stop and get him off the train and keep him safe until I arrived. I could jump in my car a drive to the next station. I could call a friend or relative to meet him at the next station. None of these thoughts solved the tension I was feeling. That is because it wasn’t a lost child aniexty dream. It was a visual symbol of last night’s experience. Link has a frightening emotional journey to make and he’s been travelling alone because I was too busy/distracted to get on the train with him.
I really wish the cluebat had thwacked me a week ago.