For the past week or two I have had worlds of trouble trying to put Link to bed. He’d get out of bed up to a dozen times each night for a myriad of reasons. He wanted to sell something on ebay. He was worried that his blankets would get ripped to pieces. He was hungry. He wanted an extra hug. He needed a drink. He couldn’t sleep. The list went on and on. I’ve been ascribing this new and annoying behavior to the general sleep disruption that all my kids are experiencing due to the summer schedule. We’ve all been staying up late and sleeping late. I’ve been responding to the behavior with increasing amounts of irritation and anger.
Until last night it did not occur to me that what I was seeing was displaced anxiety. Link’s first, best, sometimes only, friend is moving away tomorrow. Last night Link could no longer dodge the source of his disturbance. At 11 last night Link got out of bed and was in tears because he didn’t want his friend to leave. Howard and I comforted as best we could. In truth there wasn’t much we could say to make Link feel better. We have plans to stay in touch with this friend. The friend is only moving 90 minutes away. But we all know that the friendship will not be the same as it has been. We comforted as best we could and we all went to bed exhausted.
Then I dreamed. I dreamed that I was taking all my kids on a train trip. We got our tickets and needed to rush for the train. It was there ready to go, but I was not ready. I bustled to grab kids and toys and shoes. But I was not ready in time. The train pulled out before I got on. Only as it was moving away did I realize that Link had already gotten onto the train without the rest of us. I’d been aware that he climbed onto the train, but it hadn’t registered until the doors were all closed an the train was leaving. Then I woke up.
At first I tried to exorcise the tension of the dream by spinning response scenarios. I could grab a conductor and have them call the train driver. Some train official could meet Link at the next stop and get him off the train and keep him safe until I arrived. I could jump in my car a drive to the next station. I could call a friend or relative to meet him at the next station. None of these thoughts solved the tension I was feeling. That is because it wasn’t a lost child aniexty dream. It was a visual symbol of last night’s experience. Link has a frightening emotional journey to make and he’s been travelling alone because I was too busy/distracted to get on the train with him.
I really wish the cluebat had thwacked me a week ago.
i somehow stumbled onto your lj a while ago. i can confess to lurking because i seldom have time or brilliant insights to offer your superior parenting skills. in this situation though- i might be able to offer a thought or two. so i am unlurking, and finally saying hello 🙂
i have anxiety issues that i deal with as an offshoot of my many problems with sleeping. unsurprisingly, they are connected (sigh- it seems like little isn;t connected to sleep). being canadian, i can use our medical system to my advantage. which is good, because i react really badly to most meds. so, i can see a psychiatrist, and we can try to deal with alternative and other therapies. i lucked out and got a really cool lady who now as much a friend as a doctor. anyway- anxiety.
cognative behaviour therapy helps folks deal with anxiety in a good way. done right, it becomes a learned behaviour and helps kids deal with future anxiety in a more positive way. it might be of help for link.
basically it’s a question answer type thing. ask link to state and define the worst of his fears (i will never see x again). then go t hrough each individual fear and look at them closely. are they reasonable and rational? if yes, then address them and come up with solutions and possible ways to affect them. if not, then acknowledge that they are not and that they are coming from a state of anxiety that one can help oneself with. it works best if link can do most of the answers. it’s a learned behaviour, that helps teach good life coping skills. not sure if i have explained it well enough, so i will pose an imaginary conversation-
L-i can;t sleep.
S-why not? is something bothering you?
L-no. not that i know. i just can;t sleep
S-you sure? *asks about a few good things, then* how are you feeling about X moving away?
L-he won;t be my friend anymore. he’ll be too far away to be my friend.
S-no, he’ll still be your friend. how can he not be your friend? he’s not dying, just moving away.
L-but we won;t see each other any more.
S-never? i find that hard to believe. you won;t write, or phone or see each other ever again? given how close you both are i find it sad that both of you will be so upset that you do that.
i’m am hoping you catch t he drift of what i am trying to say. examining each fear that comes up and looking it in the eye is a life skill i wish i had learned at an earlier age.
i hope this post doesn;t come across as offensive or anything similar. i am truly in awe of your parenting and life skills.
i somehow stumbled onto your lj a while ago. i can confess to lurking because i seldom have time or brilliant insights to offer your superior parenting skills. in this situation though- i might be able to offer a thought or two. so i am unlurking, and finally saying hello 🙂
i have anxiety issues that i deal with as an offshoot of my many problems with sleeping. unsurprisingly, they are connected (sigh- it seems like little isn;t connected to sleep). being canadian, i can use our medical system to my advantage. which is good, because i react really badly to most meds. so, i can see a psychiatrist, and we can try to deal with alternative and other therapies. i lucked out and got a really cool lady who now as much a friend as a doctor. anyway- anxiety.
cognative behaviour therapy helps folks deal with anxiety in a good way. done right, it becomes a learned behaviour and helps kids deal with future anxiety in a more positive way. it might be of help for link.
basically it’s a question answer type thing. ask link to state and define the worst of his fears (i will never see x again). then go t hrough each individual fear and look at them closely. are they reasonable and rational? if yes, then address them and come up with solutions and possible ways to affect them. if not, then acknowledge that they are not and that they are coming from a state of anxiety that one can help oneself with. it works best if link can do most of the answers. it’s a learned behaviour, that helps teach good life coping skills. not sure if i have explained it well enough, so i will pose an imaginary conversation-
L-i can;t sleep.
S-why not? is something bothering you?
L-no. not that i know. i just can;t sleep
S-you sure? *asks about a few good things, then* how are you feeling about X moving away?
L-he won;t be my friend anymore. he’ll be too far away to be my friend.
S-no, he’ll still be your friend. how can he not be your friend? he’s not dying, just moving away.
L-but we won;t see each other any more.
S-never? i find that hard to believe. you won;t write, or phone or see each other ever again? given how close you both are i find it sad that both of you will be so upset that you do that.
i’m am hoping you catch t he drift of what i am trying to say. examining each fear that comes up and looking it in the eye is a life skill i wish i had learned at an earlier age.
i hope this post doesn;t come across as offensive or anything similar. i am truly in awe of your parenting and life skills.
I am not at all offended and what you’ve shared has great potential for usefulness.
I’m curious though what I should do if the child can’t or won’t answer. Both of my boys go nonverbal when they get upset.
I am not at all offended and what you’ve shared has great potential for usefulness.
I’m curious though what I should do if the child can’t or won’t answer. Both of my boys go nonverbal when they get upset.
My sister has a daughter who also goes nonverbal when she’s upset. My sister used to ask her to draw a picture of how she was feeling (the kid likes art), and that often helped her understand what was going on. Asking Link to tell you a bedtime story might help, too, especially if you often tell/read them stories, because then it’s a familiar thing to them. The stories will probably contain elements of what’s bothering them.
Or if telling a story is still too verbal, maybe Link acts out what he’s feeling with his playing or his toys. Or maybe his dreams could be useful to you, if you can get him to share them. You seem to be good at deciphering them.
Good luck with finding a nonverbal way to communicate! But your kids love and trust you, and that will help a lot.
My sister has a daughter who also goes nonverbal when she’s upset. My sister used to ask her to draw a picture of how she was feeling (the kid likes art), and that often helped her understand what was going on. Asking Link to tell you a bedtime story might help, too, especially if you often tell/read them stories, because then it’s a familiar thing to them. The stories will probably contain elements of what’s bothering them.
Or if telling a story is still too verbal, maybe Link acts out what he’s feeling with his playing or his toys. Or maybe his dreams could be useful to you, if you can get him to share them. You seem to be good at deciphering them.
Good luck with finding a nonverbal way to communicate! But your kids love and trust you, and that will help a lot.
hmmm… i will be seeing carla on friday. so i will ask her that. something i never thought of. my guess is that given they are kids and learning, perhaps guiding/giving the answers is okay at the start and then gradually letting them start to control the process once they start learning. i know that at the start, carla would do “both sides” to try to turn the light bulb on in my head. i dredging memories to recall that. it was many years ago, and before she brought up the subject of cognitive behaviour therapy. i’ll try to see what i can find out and get back to you.
hmmm… i will be seeing carla on friday. so i will ask her that. something i never thought of. my guess is that given they are kids and learning, perhaps guiding/giving the answers is okay at the start and then gradually letting them start to control the process once they start learning. i know that at the start, carla would do “both sides” to try to turn the light bulb on in my head. i dredging memories to recall that. it was many years ago, and before she brought up the subject of cognitive behaviour therapy. i’ll try to see what i can find out and get back to you.
Alex goes nonverbal on me when something’s bothering him, but if I watch his facial cues, I can tell whether the answer to an emotionally-weighted question is Yes or No.
Sometimes, if I proceed with the conversation as if he were actually verbalizing those answers, he’ll reach a point where he can open up and talk. It’s almost like I have to say the first two or three sentences for him, and then he can pick up the thread on his own.
Alex goes nonverbal on me when something’s bothering him, but if I watch his facial cues, I can tell whether the answer to an emotionally-weighted question is Yes or No.
Sometimes, if I proceed with the conversation as if he were actually verbalizing those answers, he’ll reach a point where he can open up and talk. It’s almost like I have to say the first two or three sentences for him, and then he can pick up the thread on his own.